Even though I'm still pre-everything, I posted my picture with my profile, against some of my more fearful and paranoid instincts. Why?

The short answer is I'm getting less and less comfortable with hiding. I'm out to probably 25 people at this point (family and trusted friends), and I'm dropping more and more hints about myself on facebook, twitter, and even my NFL blog (I came right out and said I wanted to be a girl on my football blog last November and no one really seemed to notice). I don't have a full-time job right now, so I'm not really concerned about losing a job if my employer found out I was trans... I even picked the most femme-looking pic I could find.. clean shaven, flattering, showing off my soft features and eyes.

I don't want to be 100% out yet, but if this information leaked, I'm no longer at a point where I'd freak out. The only reason I don't come out on facebook, for example, is that I don't want to deal with all the questions I'll get from everyone before I've even started HRT. I plan to come out to the world when I start living full time as a woman.

But you guys... you can see me. I'm Johnnie Peel. I'm a transwoman. Hello! (and do you think I'd be a cute girl with an assist from HRT? ha ha)

Quote from: mtfbuckeye on August 26, 2010, 10:57:33 AM
Even though I'm still pre-everything, I posted my picture with my profile, against some of my more fearful and paranoid instincts. Why?

The short answer is I'm getting less and less comfortable with hiding. I'm out to probably 25 people at this point (family and trusted friends), and I'm dropping more and more hints about myself on facebook, twitter, and even my NFL blog (I came right out and said I wanted to be a girl on my football blog last November and no one really seemed to notice). I don't have a full-time job right now, so I'm not really concerned about losing a job if my employer found out I was trans... I even picked the most femme-looking pic I could find.. clean shaven, flattering, showing off my soft features and eyes.

I don't want to be 100% out yet, but if this information leaked, I'm no longer at a point where I'd freak out. The only reason I don't come out on facebook, for example, is that I don't want to deal with all the questions I'll get from everyone before I've even started HRT. I plan to come out to the world when I start living full time as a woman.

But you guys... you can see me. I'm Johnnie Peel. I'm a transwoman. Hello! (and do you think I'd be a cute girl with an assist from HRT? ha ha)

Well i think we all want to come out, it lightens the burden we carry a little.  You want people to know because then you can start the process but not start it alone.  I guess.. Maybe.. Thats how it was for me.

Well, you sure have a better starting point then i did when i transitioned, and i turned out pretty good.  Your younger so you should turn out just fine.  Ugh... what i used to look like...

Maybe it is a mental slip?  As Izumi said it lightens the load a little.  You are getting ready for the big coming out.

And that comes down to even posting your name.

Anything that goes to the net is there forever.  So now you have that little bit of shoring to help you.

Janet,
You are probably right. I'm at a point where if anyone straight-up asked me: "I saw this thing online that said you were trans. Is it true?" I wouldn't deny it.

Izumi,
If I end up half as pretty as you, I'll be VERY pleased

I think everybody needs to go this step at some time. So it was not surprising to read what you wrote. At some point you just think "Yeah, so, read this, world. So what?" and just wait what happens. At some point there is no turning back, not because you can't , but because you just don't want to, now that you've found yourself.
I'm not out to the most important person in my life either, and have no idea how to manage that, but if it came out... then this is the way I am, what am I to do about it?

What about this NFL-thing of yours, where you playing football, or ist thsi something else? And how did your friends and family take it?

Kev,
I write a blog about the Seattle Seahawks... Life long fan, but only actually played football for two years in high school (then quit to write for the school paper... DORK!).

Family and friends have been supportive to varying degrees, from "I support you," but then quickly backing away and out of my life, all the way to a handful of female friends who I've become WAY closer to since I came out to them. My wife's level of support varies almost daily, which is stressful.

Sometimes, we are "reckless" with our information because we don't want to hide it anymore, and so we sort-of sabotage ourselves without intention, without even being aware of it.
You're way ahead just knowing that you're being reckless.

As long as I'm being "reckless," here's a pic of me in my newest prized possession: A bright green John Carlson Seahawks jersey!

Yeah, I know.. looking pretty butch there... but I was also wearing panties under my shorts

As far as I can see from your pics, your facial structure will help you a lot.

I know how you feel. I am pre-everything and I am out only to a few people (I am not out to some very important people in my life as well). But, I just can't be ashamed of who I am anymore, reckless or not. For me, putting my pic on here was a huge confidence builder.

I always get the feeling that we are our own worst critics but, after putting my pictures on here, and especially after looking at some before and afters of others, I finally have faith in myself that I can be myself at some point, where in the beginning it all just seemed like too tall a task to ever take on.

I also think that at least part of me wants to get caught, I told myself I was going to do things slowly as to avoid knee-jerk reactions that could be rather damaging, but there is a part of me that wants to do everything yesterday, regardless of consequences. That does seem to be a bit reckless to me, but no one ever said how you feel wouldn't be.

Though, I do have to wonder, if anyone in my life found out would they even be surprised? I have really long hair,  wear makeup,  have a pink wallet, walk like a girl, have painted fingernails, and so on. I suppose most of my friends think I am gay and in denial, having them stumble across this site and seeing me be totally honest would really clear up some confusion...but, I am not sure how ready I am for that. If I knew I was ready to talk about it like that, I would tell them myself.

Thanks Fencesitter! That's always nice to hear. Sometimes I doubt my future ability to pass, so those sorts of compliments are like Manna from heaven to me. Here's another pic of myself I took yesterday:


Go Seahawks!

Quote from: mtfbuckeye on August 27, 2010, 10:47:49 AM
Thanks Fencesitter! That's always nice to hear. Sometimes I doubt my future ability to pass, so those sorts of compliments are like Manna from heaven to me. Here's another pic of myself I took yesterday:


Go Seahawks!

I am not a professional but I think you would make a very good looking woman (once you get that hair on your face removed)! Seriously, I think you will be just fine.

Your bone structure seems to work well. I see no bulgy eyebrows, protrudent square jaw etc., and your nose shape works well both ways. (Which also means you have a cute face for a guy, by the way.) You don't seem to have excessively large shoulders either. I don't know about the bone structure of your ankles and wrists and the size of your hands and feet from the pics though, and I don't know your height, nor your voice, nor your body language and general behavior. But from I can see on the pics, passing will work well in your case over time. A picture from the front, not half profile, might be useful to get a better clue about your jawline though. You even have a good chance to end up looking good for a girl if you go for transition, not just to "pass". Coming back on topic, this may also help other people have better acceptance for your transition over time (but not right away).

And on these pics, you have "girly eyes", not the "guy stare"... almost like a male body being possessed by a female spirit or something like that. I mean I knew a couple of transgendered people even long before transition, and there was often something very special about the look from their eyes. This will also help you pass.

Oh, but I don't like your new T-shirt. I don't like grass-green T-shirts.

Um... wow. Thank you Dana and Fencesitter.. you both just made my day.

To answer some of the things FS wondered about: I have very small hands, so I'm not worried about that in terms of passing. I'm barely 5'7", so that would seem to work to my advantage too. I have been told that my voice is pretty andro, and that I could get by with little or no changes to it (not that it's overly feminine, but it's not deep either... I've even been told I already have some feminine inflections and tendencies in my speech).

It's funny. I feel like I do just enough to "pass" as a guy. I'm not overly macho or aggressive. I can be loud and boisterous, but that tends to come off as me being fun or dorky, not "manly." I swear a lot, but frankly so do a lot of girls. I often have to catch myself before I do something that doesn't match my "boy mode" presentation, like interacting with small children when I'm not with my own children, or complimenting a woman on her hair, clothing, or accessories.

I've heard the thing about my eyes before, and that I don't act like a normal guy in pictures... but it's always nice to hear again. Often, when I say I'm trans without being specific, people assume I am a transman. I take that as a HUGE compliment, because it usually means they saw some feminine quality in me even as I present as male.

I always get asked about my facial hair. It's still there for a few reasons: A) I'm not ready financially for lazer (since my hair is dark, that seems to be the way to go from what I've heard) B) I feel like I'm giving my face a beating when I shave it semi-daily. I feel like I should preserve it, if that makes a lick of sense. C) For now, I am living in the world presenting as male. Consensus seems to be that as a guy, I am more attractive with a beard. While I don't want to be a man, if I have to be one for now, I prefer to be attractive D) The beard gives me a slight sense of security against my irrational (but growing) fear that, particularly when I'm around men, that "THEY KNOW!"

My other concern is my weight. I'm about 250 pounds right now. As a guy, I carry it well. Women don't seem grossed out by my body (at least that I am aware of); but I am a bit concerned about being this weight going into transition. I don't mind the idea of being a bigger gal AT ALL, but 250 pounds might be a bit much. When I finally get to go see an endo, I'm curious what they will say about my weight in regards to HRT, etc.

Thanks again, everyone... here's another pic of me with my daughter (whom I adore and can't stand thinking about being apart from... one reason why I'm somewhat tiptoeing into transition)

Congrats for your daughter, she looks absolutely adorable.

Your size might well work for you, and your voice too if what you tell me is reliable.

Let me give you another reason for your facial hair right now - it just looks sexy, even if it does not represent you. I also get the point of you not wanting to ruin your skin from shaving it too often.

"For now, I am living in the world presenting as male. Consensus seems to be that as a guy, I am more attractive with a beard. While I don't want to be a man, if I have to be one for now, I prefer to be attractive"

I can fully understand that. As long as I did not choose to present as male, I had long hair tied black and ran around in gothic style, which is hot as hell and some of the outfits turned me on a lot. Transvestitic fetishism anyone? Here you go - FTM with transvestitic fetishism, dressing as a girl to turn him on, doing fetish things in bed with nylons etc. - might be too much for the medics and psychiatrists to stomach haha. And I did not tell this any of my gatekeepers as it's too queer for them to expect them to understand it.

This meant I walked around with long black hair, a black silk dress, nylons or fish-net stockings plus black combat boots. That. was. sexy. It was drag, but sexy drag and it made me very horny. Better not be the preferred gender but at least look hot as hell in what you're wearing. That was what I thought then. Plus it was at least an advantage for all the disadvantages I got from having to live as a female. Though I risked being beaten up as a ->-bleeped-<- sometimes as people assumed I was a guy in drag, from the way I walked etc. Ouch.

I'm not saying you wear your beard for fetishistic reasons, just that I can understand you wanting to look good.

Just gotta say,
You have the cutest smile.

FS,
I totally get where you are coming from. I've even known a couple FTM trans men who really enjoyed doing femme drag (once they had crossed that mental Rubicon where they were secure enough in their masculinity to explore those options). There's no one right way of transitioning, or to be a man or a woman. It wasn't that long ago that us trans women were expected to live full time in our target gender before we were even given access to hormones (Scary!). I know that I am thankful that these days it's totally acceptable for me to start HRT and hair removal while still living in "boy mode." I don't know if I could muster the courage to go out there and live full time as a woman with no help from hormones, and with a heavy beard shadow 2 hours after I shave.

One thing that is weird is when I end up in situations where a girl is flirting with me. I am a flirt, so I tend to reciprocate, but in the back of my mind I am thinking "she likes how I look, how I am, now. Probably about a 90% chance she wouldn't be flirting if she knew I planned to totally shed this male presentation." I always REALLY like positive attention, but as I get closer to taking the leap into transition, it gets more bittersweet. Make any sense?

Miniar,
Aw really? Thank you (smiles your direction)... hopefully cute boy smile = cute female smile. My teeth aren't bad, but not perfect either... I'm a bit self-conscious about them. 

FS,
I've also gotten to a point where I am more quick to come out to friends, simply because my relationships with people who don't know I am trans seem increasingly hollow and empty. I've found that most of my female friends have been AWESOME about this. Guy friends? Not so much. They tend to say the right things about being supportive, then sort of drift away. Sadly, a couple of my gay male friends have been the least supportive. That kinda sucks, huh?

Since I'm on sort a roll here... another pic of myself from earlier today... What do you think?

Quote from: mtfbuckeye on August 27, 2010, 04:03:31 PM
FS,
I totally get where you are coming from. I've even known a couple FTM trans men who really enjoyed doing femme drag (once they had crossed that mental Rubicon where they were secure enough in their masculinity to explore those options).

Nice to know that I'm not alone there. You already found my new thread about that particular topic. Great.

Quote from: mtfbuckeye on August 27, 2010, 04:03:31 PM
One thing that is weird is when I end up in situations where a girl is flirting with me. I am a flirt, so I tend to reciprocate, but in the back of my mind I am thinking "she likes how I look, how I am, now. Probably about a 90% chance she wouldn't be flirting if she knew I planned to totally shed this male presentation." I always REALLY like positive attention, but as I get closer to taking the leap into transition, it gets more bittersweet. Make any sense?

Yeah, makes a lot of sense. One of the people I dated before transition was a bi guy and I was like - yahoo!!!! As I knew that him being interested in me was not necessarily 100% related to my body being in female shape. Come to think about it, I suppose it was the mixture of male mind/soul/behavior etc. and female body which he found very attractive in me, he even told me that a couple of times. But that went both ways, as I'm a bi too and he was genderqueer to say the least.  Non-bi people I dated before transition were just frustrating whenever I thought about what you are saying right now. They can only appreciate you before or after transition, so to say, and often don't want to see who's behind the facade before transition.

And for your pics - a front pic would help much better to get a clue about your jawline.