Ive been post op long enough now.When im on a date and reveal my past, they leave.Its not only about having a relationship,but I want to experience sexual intercourse as a woman.Im seriously thinking about not revealing myself on just a couple future dates.Am I a bad person if I do this? ???Has anyone else done this?

Why would you be a bad person?

If you were HIV positive or afflicted with some ghastly STD....then sure not telling peeps would be morally questionable...

I've never told any man I've had sexual relationships about my past.... as I believe this in none of their business...

As it happened years ago..... and I was post transition when I started back into relationships again...

I also learnt damn fast that telling people about my 'special' journey was uber-dumb.... I lost a key job, and had another vocational work experience totally ruined because of it....

And this was from a senior level (woman) bitching behind my back....

Nope stealth for me has proved the best policy.... and I don't regret it a bit, do not sleep badly at nights.....

Or feel any guilt whatsoever...

However while on a transition obviously one doesn't have that choice....

Cruella, thank you for that.That makes me feel so much better.My only problem is that I live in a small state here in Greece.Approximately 2,000 residents.Im afraid somehow, word would get around.Once on the greek tv  news, I"ve seen a story about a transgendered person getting beat up, because they hid it from their date.Ive decided to give it a shot next time anyway.Keeping my fingers crossed.

I've heard of pre-ops getting beat up on a date when they presented as a woman and during sex their partner encounters their junk down below, but I don't see how a post-op would have any problem, especially if the person is going out with you on a date.

This does raise the question, if you get into a serious relationship, do you ever tell, and if so, when?

It is my personal opinion that when you date someone you only get access to the present, and anything you choose to share about the past you share as a bonus, you aren't required to by my code of ethics.

For example an STD is a present condition, therefore ethically requires to be told as it effects the present. Being married 12 years ago is a past condition and has no bearing on the present therefore it isn't required to be shared.

I don't think anyone has a right to your past except you, if your post op and your transition is in the past, then I don't see where you are under any obligation to share your past. I don't personally think that lying about it is right, but simply not talking about it is your right.

If you want to talk about your transition and what it taught you etc, then perhaps you should. Remember that even if only 1 in a million people stayed after hearing it, that still leaves you with 6,000 people in this world who would stay (and the odds are way better than that I am sure). And remember once the cat is out of the bag, it never fully goes back in again, especially in a rural community.

I've been post op for a number of years now and in my own personal experience I've found that honesty has been the best policy for me, and it has been successful.

I've had many men leave/walk away once I revealed my past to them and for me that was good as I didn't want a person who didn't love me for who I am regardless of my past.  There was one person who Found out about after we had intercourse and he was quite upset that I hadn't been honest with him and he too walked away.  I didn't feel too good after that episode so I went back to telling guys about myself before intimate relations started.

It took a couple of years of false starts and let downs, but I finally found Mr Right.  He accepts me for who I am and loves me unconditionally, as I do him.  We have a wonderful life together, a life without the fear of him ever finding out because he already knows.  Yes i could have hidden my past but i wouldn't  have felt right and there would always be that nagging fear in the back of my mind that one day he would discover my secret and that could be devestating.  We are getting married next spring.

Relationship have to be based on honesty and if you can't be honest with each other how can it be called a relationship.  Having said that... If you are just looking for sex then what the heck, go for it and hope that they don't find out after the fact.

Steph

This is a personal choice.  It depends on your level of comfort with yourself and if not telling will create problems with you later.  One guy came here because his GF divulged her birth gender.  He had a problem at first but, as of the last time I read his thread, seems to be much more comfortable and possibly completely okay with that knowledge.

I see two sides of the coin:
1) We are who we are because of what's between our ears, not because of what was between our legs at birth.  If you identify as female, then why should you not enjoy the same life experiences of any other female?  What is wrong with having a relationship with someone who only sees you as female?  Is it your fault the way you were born?  Since society has a twisted view of transgender people, why should you attach that label to yourself if you see yourself as a woman?  Why should you "pay the price" of being part of a socially taboo group?

2) Honesty.  Fear of violence.  Being with someone who would walk out on you if you divulged.  And other things associated with not being "completely honest and up front".  That can play on one's mind.  So, do you give up being seen as totally female for the sake of honesty?  Or is that kind of honesty being dishonest to your gender?

I personally feel if one is completely passable and does not want to divulge their medical condition, they should do so without feeling guilty and without anyone telling them they are wrong.  If you are not passable or there's reasonable probability your past will be divulged (family, friends, work) then your choices are limited. 

No matter what, this is a very personal choice and one should weigh all the factors before making it.  But none of us should carry the baggage of an uneducated and prejudiced society into our own lives, especially when it causes negative feelings about oneself.  We are who we are, not how society tries to define us.

 Don't tell Julie about my past! lol She'll want me to start doing all the guy stuff around the house! 

Since you want some fun, what should you tell them anything?

If you want a permanent relationship then you will have to.

But in your position, I'd be saying only what I wanted them to know. Guys have been lying to girls for years. I'm pretty sure of this because there can't be that many doctors, astronaughts, explorers,..... out there.

So many diffrent opinions here, wow.I thank everyone just the same.Though im leaning towards hiding it from now on, and see where that leads me.God knows ive been honest years now, and it has gotten me nowhere as far as relationships go and everything else.

I guess I would say you are under no obligation to tell a guy about your past, but for your own safety it's probably best to be upfront and honest.

Quote from: Angela on August 27, 2010, 05:43:43 AM
Ive been post op long enough now.When im on a date and reveal my past, they leave.Its not only about having a relationship,but I want to experience sexual intercourse as a woman.Im seriously thinking about not revealing myself on just a couple future dates.Am I a bad person if I do this? ???Has anyone else done this?

If sex is the only thing you want then there is no reason to tell them, but if you are looking for someone who will love you forever, then at some point you have to tell them or you dont really love them.  A person that truly loves the other person puts the other person's needs in front of their own, if he is doing that but you dont tell him for fear of losing him, you are protecting yourself not him. 

I had recently got involved with someone, 2 months into the relationship it became serious (and i am pre-op btw), since i cared about him i made the decision to tell him knowing full well i could lose him.  He did not know i was TS and assumed he had been dating a cis woman.  In that time he had fallen in love with me, he said he didnt care and he loved me.  Later, i asked him if he really saw me as a woman which he stated only this "I dont see you as A woman, I see you as MY woman."  We are now engaged and will be married within 2 years.

The ones that leave, might not be the ones worth keeping, the ones that stay outshine all the guys that ever leave, for they are the ones that truly love you, for you.

Hi Izumi,I agree that at some point they have to know if im going to have any meaningful relationship.I mean no offense to you , but I think it actually helped you that you waited 2 months to tell him.What if you told him on the first day you met him? I regret having told on all my first dates.Thats going to change now.You look amazing by the way.

Quote from: Angela on August 27, 2010, 04:10:15 PM
Hi Izumi,I agree that at some point they have to know if im going to have any meaningful relationship.I mean no offense to you , but I think it actually helped you that you waited 2 months to tell him.What if you told him on the first day you met him? I regret having told on all my first dates.Thats going to change now.You look amazing by the way.

Well yeah there is no reason to tell him the first few dates.  I mean you might not click anyway.  You date to find the person you want to be with the rest of your life, I had a filter process that seemed to be able to find good men, here is how it went:

What I told on what date:
First date
Oh, by the way, just so you know, I dont believe in sex before marriage (say this even if you dont mean it, losers interested in only sacking you jump ship instantly)

Second date
There is something else i have to tell you, I have a condition which makes it impossible to have children, are you alright with that? (boom second bomb, if they dont mind adoption woot, if they want their own family this is their chance to leave)

Everything past that i just date them normally and see what they are like, if they reach a point where the relationship is so good that we think we are made for each other, then that is when i tell them usually like this:

Everything is going really well dont you think, do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with me?  (if no, hes not into you, end it)
Check his response, if it seems off, then give it more time, if he is adamantly in love with you then you drop the last bomb and say your TS.  They will go into their minds and cycle through their whole time with you.... and eventually make a decision, whatever it is treat it calmly, if they say they are sorry and cant, then just nod, say you understand, get up, thank him for being nice to you, and say your goodbyes, but if they accept it you got a good guy ^_^b.

I know a lot of TS dating sites say tell them ahead of time, but thats BS women keep secrets until they trust the person enough to let them know.  Also, people break up more times then come together in dating.  Here is my point, when i was younger i didnt know about TS, if i dated a woman for 4 months and loved her then she dropped the bomb on me i would actually think... well she seems like a normal woman to me.... and i would make an effort to really understand what it all meant about myself and her, especially if i was in love with her.  However, if someone told me right away, not having taken the time to know the person, i would have instantly said... CYA!

Izumi, thank you for the great advice.Im actually going to try that first step second step method you mentioned, If I find someone that clicks.

Idk what their problem is! You're gorgeous! Keep your head up and you'll find someone!

Thanks andthenwekiss !Their problem is Im upfront on the first date about my past.Thats going to change  from now on.I wont reveal till a few months in.Hopefull that will make a diffrence.

I have been around on this side of the fence since 1974 and I still don't know the right answer to that question.

When I was young and new to this life, I felt it was irrelevant - I had a medical condition and I had been cured - total non-issue. I was pretty wild (it WAS the 70's after all) and had a lot of 1 and 2 night relationships - it was great!

In 1976 I married and I didn't tell my husband but some damned reporter managed to dig up some info and it was in the newspaper  - NOT good. My husband and I had just split but he was livid!

I dated again for awhile and when it started getting serious, I was going to tell him. Things moved faster than I expected and we ended up being intimate before I told him. He was great, very understanding and sympathetic! We were together 12 years before I called it off.

I have dated again, more recently, and tried the honesty bit - 90% of the guys run screaming into the night and 10% say "I'll call you." and never do.

I don't think there is a right answer but I am one of those people who believes that if it looks serious, you DO need to be honest. If it's a fling, it's your choice but in a small area, that could be risky.

Good luck!

My own experience was that I could not be deceitful.  I could not bring myself to be physically intimate with someone without telling them first.  But that's a personal choice, and maybe you won't have that problem. 

I also found that it did not help to wait and get to know them first before spilling the beans.  I was threatened with violence by people I had been dating for weeks.

After 4 years post op, I finally resorted to putting an ad in the paper and on the internet that was up front and honest, and that screened out anyone who would be turned off by it.  The majority of respondents were just looking for a fling, but I found my spouse that way.  I could tell on the first date that he was different from the others.  We've been together ten years now.

Dear Angela,

It feels wrong for me to write this as I am very new to this. But in my limited experience it is perfectly understandable that you don't want to disclose yourself in fear of rejection.
I don't think it is a good idea to disclose yourself on the first few dates because you have the risk that your date only sees the stereotype instead of the actual you. It also attracts people who want to date you only because you are ts. Let him get to know you first, let him know your personality so he can make a sane decision. But eventually there is a point at which you must disclose yourself, preferrably before sexual intercourse. To me honesty is very important in a relationship, because I don't see how people can truly love each other when they don't trust each other enough with their deepest secrets. Would you feel you are truly loved if you fear rejection if he knew your past?

Personally I would feel very hurt and mistrusted if I would discover my partner's past instead of her coming out to me. This mistrust would be a serious setback in a relationship and can even cause it to end.

So in the end, my advice is not to disclose yourself upfront but give him the chance to know you better. You can experience a lot of negative experiences but please keep hope. I am sure there are plenty men out there who are able to look past the negative stereotype. The major drawback is that people might get violent. I just can't understand those people.