I'm feeling detached. Not feeling much of anything, but I don't like it.

I used to prefer living this way, in a sort of shutdown mode. I screened out most feeling, especially "negative" feeling, but I was still able to function minimally in society. Then I became more and more of a hermit and started turning off pretty much all of my feelings. Became a full-on zombie. The walking dead, right out of George Romero, except I hated shopping malls.

Nowadays, most of my old coping mechanisms are gone, and I feel just about everything because I can't shut it out anymore. I never knew what I was missing...the joy of feeling every little fear and apprehension, and no way to turn it off. But every once in a while, I get overwhelmed and go into what I call zombie mode. Don't feel much of anything. It scares me, in a weirdly detached sort of way. You know what I mean? And afterward, then I'm really scared. I worry that the next time, I might not come out of it. It's not really comfortable anymore, it's dysfunctional and frightening.

The more I defrost emotionally, the more it bothers me that I still do this and can't seem to control it. Do you ever do that, start to shut everything off and turtle up emotionally? If so, what the heck do you do? Just sit it out and wait for it to pass?

When things get to be too much, I do one of two things. Both involve going outside and getting fresh air.

One, I go for a walk. Walk around your block, apartment complex, or something and just breathe. It gives you exercise and it is a slight stress reliever. Shut out any thoughts of what's bothering you and just take in life.

My second thing, and probably the most effective, is to find a quiet, beautiful spot in your area and sit there and reflect on what's bothering you. If you need to cry, make sure it's a secluded area so you aren't making others uncomfortable, or drawing attention that you may not want. If you're spiritual, look up at the sky and ask questions. I've found many answers come to me and it helps me find my center extremely well. I recommend this to everybody who is going through a rough patch in their life, and many times they have thanked me for it

If it's raining, the rain will pass. I mean that both literally and metaphorically. Good luck hon

Yeah, I guess I "turtle up emotionally" a lot of the time.  But, for better or worse, I actually prefer being kind of shut down emotionally.  I'd rather just not have to deal with many emotions.

I get uncomfortable when I do experience strong emotions.  I worry that the emotions will cause me to act different than I normally would, or make irrational decisions.  So I try to stay in and avoid people as much as possible when I'm in any kind of emotional state of mind.  I let it out by writing and playing music, and also use exercise to feel better.  Once I'm no longer feeling any emotions, I'll go out and get back to life as I know it.

I appreciate feeling strong emotions on occasion because it helps me to understand other people when they're being emotional.  But I guess that what other people might call shut down mode is normal for me.  Maybe I'm just not a very emotional person.  I don't know.

I've been down that road a many of times. If I find myself going into that mode I generaly find myself some alone time and meditate. Meditation helps relieve stress as well. Whenever I am done meditating I pretty much feel refreshed and at peace. Or if there is no chance for me to meditate I pop in a good cd and let the music carry me away in its songs and at times this for me induces a light trance state but still effective for me. Hang in there.

Arch, did you break into my head to write this?  I've been doing the same thing all summer, and I hate myself for it.  I've only been getting away from home for work and exercise, something I've just started this summer to keep the dysphoria at bay.  Meanwhile, I feel like I've lost contact with people and with myself by just going through the motions of life without any socialization.  I feel very isolated and unwelcome around people I used to hang out with, even when there's no reason to feel that way.  Every day so far this week, I've gone out and spent some time with other people.  For me, reconnecting with friends is a good way to re-integrate with the living and remember how to "do" emotion normally again.  Maybe it will work for you, too?

I've felt this. The difference is, I never sought it out or enjoyed it. It's just happened by accident, and when it happens my emotions still exist. I can see them influence my thoughts and actions. I just can't feel them. And that's utterly terrifying, not that I'd know in the moment .

Scary thing is, when I'm in that state, I can't even recall how emotion feels. I can't remember ever having felt any. And, suddenly, my thoughts and actions bend in the direction of panic, even though I can't feel it.

Quote from: Arch on September 01, 2010, 07:36:45 PMThe more I defrost emotionally, the more it bothers me that I still do this and can't seem to control it. Do you ever do that, start to shut everything off and turtle up emotionally? If so, what the heck do you do? Just sit it out and wait for it to pass?

I wish I could emotionally shut down, I find myself in the opposite situation, stressed all the time with now way to stop it. I like the idea of fresh air and exercise, but that's not possible in my situation.

Quote from: Hurtfulsplash on September 02, 2010, 10:14:52 PM
I wish I could emotionally shut down, I find myself in the opposite situation, stressed all the time with now way to stop it.

That's how I usually am these days, stressed every day and barely managing. But I have actual good days now when I feel everything but still feel okay and not completely overwhelmed. They're happening more and more.

That, I am not used to. Actually feeling good.

I tried taking a walk the other day, I did some writing, I did the laundry and the dishes, and I left a long and rambling message for my therapist (he doesn't mind that I do that). Nothing really helped. There was an event at the center, but I couldn't motivate myself to go. I felt too weird and distant to call someone. I was starting to wonder how long this one was going to last.

It mostly lifted on its own today, fairly quickly. I'm glad it was short-lived. But I need to be ready next time. I can't always just wait it out. At least, I don't want to. I want control over this. I would like to think that I can learn to function normally without medication.

Then again, maybe I'm just being naive.

Gah, happened again today. I went all emo last night about my father, and I woke up zombified today. After struggling with it all day, I'm finally starting to come out of it--and it's bedtime. We're in the last week of summer school, and I still have essays to grade that I simply MUST finish for tomorrow morning. Plus prep for the final exam review. It's going to be a long night, and I'm still not all there emotionally.

I couldn't focus today to save my life. I'm learning how to work when I'm upset or angry or scared--if I expend enough effort, I can get control and put my emotions aside for long enough to meet my obligations, or I can indulge myself a little and then stop for long enough to work. But I can't work at all when I'm zoned out. It's like there isn't even a person in there.

Well, I'm partly back now, so that's good. But I wish I could just flip a switch and be normal for short bursts when I need to get work done.