Transsexuality, ,I hate this, I hate it more than anything else in the world! I want to become a woman, but I don't want to transition and all the hardships that come along with it; being a freak, loser, poor, and rejected. My family, society, and myself scares the hell out of me because I don't want to be a failure or a reject and that's no offense to any of you but that's my own issue and I been battling this for two years now. I say this, and I say that, and it's all because my being tells me that it is wrong. Even being homosexual is wrong, and I know it's okay in reality but I don't want to be it.

I love it when people treat me femininely, for reasons I do not know but I guess it just happens.  Like when this guy came rushing to me to help pick up a box of onions, or when a guy tells me that my skin is soft and hairless (the latter is straight so don't know why he told me that). And then a guy glances at me when I walk by, gay guys usually, but still guys. It just happens, a lot actually, but that's not the point.

Since June 2010, I been  on spironalactone (which I discuss all the time online if I could), and it's a wonderful thing but it doesn't make you a real woman it just feels like an initial step that I could go back if I desire. Surgeries, estrogen, and other methods are really permanent and says to the world, "you're transitioning".

I am certain that I could pass quite easily if I wanted to transition. I am not depressed right now though, but I feel dead inside... with momentary of happiness when  events above happened. I want to be loved more than anything else.

What's the TRUE test of finding if you have to do this or not??!! I want a once and for all solution in finding if I am truly transsexual. I feel like I am, and that scares me though, and I know I am not really that strong like you women are. All of you are super human strong, and I feel like a psychologically messed up person who should go to an asylum compare to you all.

I'm not aware of any test that will give you the answer you seek. Although it seems to me you know the answer, but it seems that you have a fear of transitioning. This is not unusual, I'd suggest talking to a therapist..

Some people whom have Gender Dysphoria do not transition, they can manage to live within their birth gender role and can life a happy life. Not everyone will transition. It takes an iron will to actually transition, and those of us whom do transition are generally much happier.

I personally think that I myself have earned the right to be called and referred to as female. After how I spent my life before transitioning, and not to mention the obvious hurdles during transition.
I have effectively disowned my Grand Mother, and have lost some friends, as well as a job, and a whole lot of heart ache. But it has been worth it!

If you are struggling with coming to terms with your condition, then seek some counselling.

Dear Megan,
None of us are super strong. Most of have fought every day with similar thoughts. You are as strong as any of us, you just haven't accepted that as yet.

Are you seeing a therapist? I presume you are to be on AA, but availability varies from country to country. I'm in Australia and can only obtain medications with a medical script.

You should talk through these issues with your therapist.

For some of your questions, like how to know if you are TG?
I have absolutely no doubt that no one wants to be TG. My gender is female I have a male body,the two conflict. I want to be one our the other. But my brain tells me I am female so I want the body to match the brain.

I remember explaining to my family. "Do you honestly think I'm doing this for fun? That I'm doing this to upset you? Do you honestly think I'm doing this so that people can ridicule me? Do you honestly think I'm doing this for any reason except that I have to to be me." I then went on, "How would you feel if you found that your gender and your body didn't match?"  "What would you do?"

We have to ask ourselves the same questions. We of all people have to be totally honest with ourselves.  It takes time but we have to think through our emotions and were we want to be in life. What can we live with, what can't we.  Some people are content cross dressing either often or on occasion. Some are homosexual and want to have and are very happy with same gender relationships.  Some of us are labelled as TG, we are physically the wrong gender.  In my logic, and I don't expect or want people to agree with me (I simply don't care). I am not homosexual, I am heterosexual, because I like guys; I'm female, a heterosexual relationship is defined as opposite genders desiring each other.

What I present as physically, at the moment is just what I present as. What are humans? If a person is born without arms, legs, whatever are they human?  If a person is born without any intellectual capacity are they human? Damn right they are and their needs and care have to be provided for.  I was born with a healthy but wrong body. I need understanding and care.


How does this answer your questions?  There is nothing wrong with you and your thoughts. You need to think about what is important to you. Gender dismorphia does not go away. It cannot be 'cured' because it is not a disease.

There is a particularly stupid song going around at the moment. It starts of  "I wish I was born a billionaire so badly...".
Why? All the reasons are selfish. I wish people like you and me and the many people I love and support at Susan's (including the  Queen Bee ) were born into happiness and love and normality. We weren't.  So we have to follow through with what we have.


Sorry if I have been negative, or didn't cast the magic wand.

We have to deal with what we have been dealt

Hugs

Cindy

Quote from: Megan

Since June 2010, I been  on spironalactone
/quote]
You love it when you get taken as feminine if not female but as for a test, well there isn't one this side of the brain research labs - unless you do what lots of us have done and suck it and see.  Find the time and the money and the nerve to go get the skirt the top the shoes the makeup the wig and find a club where there are changing facilities and go be a woman for an evening a day a weekend and if you love it and never think of being male for that whole time but if having to go back to being male makes you upset then you may need to transition.
But as you've found from Susan's the decision to transition will bring along an awful lot of changes in all aspects of your self and your life.
Some people say that therapists have helped them decide but personally I've only found therapists to agree with what I have decided is my way forward - mone of them said, wait, slow down, don't follow that route.

But think for a moment: what is to stop you buying the fem stuff and spending an evening this week in a surport group with a few hours in a nice pub or club being a woman?

Megan, I do understand you. However, transitioning is a step that can't be avoided if you truly believe you are not born with the gender of your mind (brain).


I want to be a girl that I am, but the whole process to what I'm looking for is somewhat very exaggerated, expensive, and difficult than what most would even think of going through. I've asked a lot about surgeries and such in these forums, though I'm young and very passable as a girl even in my fake gender-neutral boy mode. I also have the least amount of T-poisoning in any male in my family. Being labeled a transgender is one of my worst fears, next to aging. Wouldn't it be nice to transform just like that, almost supernaturally? Become purely genetic, natal female for MTFs? or male for FTMs? We know there exists nothing magical like that, so we turn to medical science, which really is still at its infancy. Just imagine how many diseases are out there, and just how many do we really have a cure for?


I hate being a transsexual too, but its a necessary step if I do want to claim the body that I should of had. It is a necessary trial to filter out those just want to be female for fun or just to be cute. In my case I probably would have been born with a female body too, but it probably just changed because I was split in to two before I was born. I do love my other half and she loves me too. We're two of a single shell, trying to break free for years now. Getting the body to match the brain is probably the only thing that can break these chains that bind this silly shell. I know I'm talking metaphorically, or rather it's something else? 


Anyway enough about me, if there is a test it is to ask yourself:

• Do I feel female? Really, in hearts of your hearts? Did you enjoy the life as a male even for a moment?

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• Do you rather live female or not live at all?

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• Is your behavior already female? do you have to relearn it?

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• Get a brain scan (not sure what the name of that scan was), get your family or friends to do it too. Compare if a certain region in the hypothalamus is consistent with your female peers. I'm still searching for the exact name of the region. Maybe the size of the hypothalamus alone will do.

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• Somewhat repressed but have XXY chromosomal build? (great for convincing family, but that could complicate things by itself)

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• Do you have childbearing hips? Maybe not, but I've read somewhat In my research that the brain does play a part in a body's development too. Its somewhere in my list of 343 bookmarks related to my MTF research (I'll post it if I manage to find it) >.<

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• Get a barrage of therapists to work on you, do all of them say the same thing? Then great, get ready for a painful but rewarding transition.

That's the list I'd follow. If the therapists manage to tear me apart and find out what I really am meant to be, and if it does match my mind. Then I wouldn't hesitate, even if I die in the process. Quite sad, I know. But if anyone feels this as strongly as I do I'm sure they could relate to this. Most likely though I wouldn't go overboard as HRT and SRS alone might do wonders for me without considering FFS. Transitioning is not for those who are weak minded. You really need the will power to go through it. Its not about getting a quick sex change, then wondering did it fail? instead its all about planning this through from all angles and perspective.


I also think about it in another way, we never will be able to give birth to a child. However, transitioning is a process in which you carry yourself to give birth to a you that should have been. Just like a newborn, the hardship, the pain and all will be worth it - if it is indeed supposed to happen.

Trust me I know how you feel.
Let me tell you how I got over the hump your in.

Thought experiment, Megan I have a magic medallion it detects a female "soul" in magic circles however in us scientific circles it can detect minute functional differences in the electrical movement of a female brain but not a male's brain. It will tell you decisively whether you are a transsexual/intersex or not.

I approach you and reach out to put the medallion over your neck and... Lets say the magic medallion says no your not a transsexual.
The question to you is what dose it mean to you? Is there a particular answer you sought more over another? Why dose it matter when no matter what I tell you your feelings in your heart won't change and if you say no when your not you will just come around to the same feelings again. because you might well have to face this kind of denial from people.

I can tell you  If you are trans your feelings will *always* persist regardless of whatever test tells you otherwise and you know it too.

As for hating begin a transsexual Ditto, All the damn time I know I am but I hate it I'm resigned to the path of transition. Least 40 pages of my weeks bookmarks are me typing into google "I hate begin a transsexual." "I don't want to be transgender." "Can I stop begin a ->-bleeped-<-?" I don't want to be different, Laughed at, Hated, the center of attention, or be a victim. but it's inevitable the pain and suffering of me not walking this path is unacceptable. I wish there was a pill to make me a normal man or woman gimmie but there isn't.

For me, the "true test" will be getting a diagnosis of GID from CAMH.  Other than that, I'm "sure" I am a MTF, because I've been experiencing these feelings since age 10 or so, except when I've managed to bury my self so deep even I didn't know who I was.  I definitely can't go back to that.  My biggest fear at this point is somehow not getting the diagnosis - THEN what?  Can't see how that would happen, tho, but I guess fear has its own way of looking at things...

Quote from: lilacwoman on September 05, 2010, 04:40:10 AM
Find the time and the money and the nerve to go get the skirt the top the shoes the makeup the wig and find a club where there are changing facilities and go be a woman for an evening a day a weekend and if you love it and never think of being male for that whole time but if having to go back to being male makes you upset then you may need to transition.

This is SUCH good advice.  I recently had my first girls' night out - I went to the home of a new friend who is just waiting on SRS but otherwise fully transitioned, and spent an evening as Myself, and I learned a LOT in just a couple of hours.  This was the first time I was "dressed" outside my own home, and in the presence of anyone else.  And for a couple of hours, I was happy, relaxed, feminine, and it felt WONDERFUL!  My avatar picture was taken that evening - look at my smile!  I don't smile like that, EVER, as my guy self.  And when the time came to change back and go home, the feeling of letdown was heavy.  As I came down the stairs, my new friends said "So, how do you feel now?" and I said "I was a lot better a few minutes ago..."  They knew exactly what I meant.

we all a women. but stuck in man body....

Quote from: Megan on September 05, 2010, 03:19:37 AM
Transsexuality, ,I hate this, I hate it more than anything else in the world! I want to become a woman, but I don't want to transition and all the hardships that come along with it; being a freak, loser, poor, and rejected. My family, society, and myself scares the hell out of me because I don't want to be a failure or a reject and that's no offense to any of you but that's my own issue and I been battling this for two years now. I say this, and I say that, and it's all because my being tells me that it is wrong. Even being homosexual is wrong, and I know it's okay in reality but I don't want to be it.

If your family and society would accept you 100% (no matter if you were gay, and/or transgender), how would that change things for you? Would you transition right away? Would acceptance/understanding of how you feel be enough? Something else?

Quote from: Megan on September 05, 2010, 03:19:37 AM
I love it when people treat me femininely, for reasons I do not know but I guess it just happens.  Like when this guy came rushing to me to help pick up a box of onions, or when a guy tells me that my skin is soft and hairless (the latter is straight so don't know why he told me that). And then a guy glances at me when I walk by, gay guys usually, but still guys. It just happens, a lot actually, but that's not the point.

I want to be loved more than anything else.

If you could be in a relationship where you were loved and treated in a very feminine way without having to transition, would you still wish to transition?

Quote from: Megan on September 05, 2010, 03:19:37 AM
What's the TRUE test of finding if you have to do this or not??!! I want a once and for all solution in finding if I am truly transsexual. I feel like I am, and that scares me though, and I know I am not really that strong like you women are. All of you are super human strong, and I feel like a psychologically messed up person who should go to an asylum compare to you all.

A single, definitive, absolute, and infallible test to determine GID? What a novel idea. Sounds great. It would make things easier, or would it. Supposed someone who knew since day one they had GID, but failed such a test, how would that go? Who would administer such a test? What sort of parameters would there be? What would be tested: DNA, Chromosomal ID, Social Behavior, Gender Identity? What would the passing score be? Not so simple.

Honestly, there simply is no way to determine one true self with the use of such a clinical tool, like a test. Even most therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists, rely more on the patient to determine whether or not GID exists. They are more like the guides on your journey than anything else. This is really the sort of thing you have to determine for yourself, and then use the proper medical professionals for guidance and assistance.

Only you can answer your own questions for yourself. All I can say absolutely is that it can be a tough road to travel and it gets expensive quickly. Definitely not something to be taken lightly or without a lot of forethought and self-reflection.

Dear Megan,

Okay, so who am I to give out advice, but here's my two cents.

I think there exists a pretty good test for what you want to know. You mentioned you're already on spiro - well, if possible, add some E to the mix and continue for at least 6 months. Slowly increase the dosages until you reach the amounts needed for your body weight. This usually comes around the 3 month mark. During this period there'll be some days of doubt, that you shouldn't do this at all - don't stop. Your body will be getting stuff it never got during its lifetime and therefore it'll confuse your body and your mind as well. Give it some time, don't rush.

I've been suffering from GID from around age 7-8. I tried to not pay attention to these feelings, like most of us, and spent the following 25 years growing up and finding the right girl for me. I didn't succeed in either field so I started therapy. It might happen that I just stop someday if I find out that it's not for me. I've never been really sure about anything, and that includes this as well. I know what my true gender is but like you, I've never been sure that I really wanted to resolve this inner conflict. After all, life is hard, either with this, or without this. Yes, you might get some enlarged nipples during this time but that's usually not much and if you're bothered, you can get rid of them by surgery.

I know this sounds too much for a "simple test" but the results are easily measureable. Just count how many times you smile during a day before E, and count the average smiles after you've been on E for a few months. If there's a big difference -let's say, at least two or three times- then I think you're there... Simple, isn't it? Numbers will save us all! (Trust me, I'm a mathematician )

(FYI, I'm currently around the two times mark but I expect it to increase )

g

Like Jenn and others said above there is no magically accurate tests that give you 100% proof of transsexualism but a few out there to tell you if you have Gender Identity Disorder, which you already know you do.

I wrote a post very similar to yours when I first started feeling I had to deal with my gender issues as I was going to a bad place with drugs to escape having to live as a guy. I never hit rock bottom but got to the point where I was like, I can be unhappy but deal with it on drugs for the rest of my life and burn out and never have a real relationship, or transition, live a great life that I've always wanted and risk *possibly* losing friends/family.

It was a no brainer .

Therapy relies greatly on your input and the therapists guidance in helping you come to terms with what those feelings are separate from the prejudice of society and then working towards getting you to accept these feelings so you dont have an intense dysphoria.

When I opened up and said "If my family died tomorrow, I would transition immediately" (as morbid as that sounds), it really did sought of click to me that this was for real and wasn't going away and pretty much I know my parents want me to live a for-filling life & happy life. Whether they hate me for being Trans or not - I know im doing what they really would want if they didn't have prejudice.

Whether you transition or not there is no shame in seeing a therapist, just make sure its one with a background in gender issues and be honest I gurantee after your first session you'll feel a great wave of relief.

To live in a society that gives many hardships in its treatment of people with GID, the only insane thing is not seeking help. This website is a great start

Quote from: ggina on September 05, 2010, 11:42:15 AM
Just count how many times you smile during a day before E, and count the average smiles after you've been on E for a few months. If there's a big difference -let's say, at least two or three times- then I think you're there...

Simple, isn't it?

I like this.  Simple but profound.

When people tell me "you are so strong and so brave to do this" all I can say is "I am not, I don't have a choice, I am doing what I have to do." I think it's that feeling which tells you that you don't need to think about it, you simply are doing what you're meant/supposed to do.

QuoteI know this sounds too much for a "simple test" but the results are easily measureable. Just count how many times you smile during a day before E, and count the average smiles after you've been on E for a few months. If there's a big difference -let's say, at least two or three times- then I think you're there... Simple, isn't it? Numbers will save us all! (Trust me, I'm a mathematician  )

I love it!
Ggina your briliant.
(I would guess my smile ratio would be at 10/1.) 

There are brain sex tests...

Which clinicians could put you through Megan, but in my case it only underlined what I already instinctively knew/felt...anyways...

Hormone therapy for me was the primary tool for finding my way out of the fog...

Pre HRT I suffered immensely with depression, but never went down the serotonin route.....and the darkness increased as I aged, and the more I denied my inner female feelings, the worse it got.

But once my Psychiatrist put me legitimately on those magic  pills I never looked back after 6 months or so...I never, ever got a bad dose of debilitating depression again... and haven't to date some 22 year+ later....

Though I'm reeling a tad being off em at the mo and yes our lot is a difficult one.... so you have to develop a thick-skin to get trough it all, and there are often many set-backs for all of us along the way....but the victories and joys when you do get them are truly revelatory......bitter-sweet maybe...

But would I have it any other way Megan....?

No way kiddo....the hardship is in fact that which has forged me for the better....and I'm immensely grateful for that....

@ Colleen good to see you smilin darling....and for the days you can't be fully femme hold it inside and savour it.....yer time will eventually come...

Quote from: JasminB on September 05, 2010, 11:45:32 AMWhen I opened up and said "If my family died tomorrow, I would transition immediately" (as morbid as that sounds), it really did sought of click to me that this was for real and wasn't going away...

I did something very similar... I woke up around 4:00 am one day, when I was still in the "wondering/questioning" stage, and the thought came to my head: "If I could choose anything at all, and my happiness was the only consideration, what would I choose?"  The answer came without effort:  "I would choose to transition."  No if's, and's or buts.  That was the day I accepted who I am,  once and for all...

@Cruella:  Thanks, dear, that means a lot coming from you.

Quote from: Megan on September 05, 2010, 03:19:37 AM
...
Since June 2010, I been  on spironalactone (which I discuss all the time online if I could), and it's a wonderful thing but it doesn't make you a real woman it just feels like an initial step that I could go back if I desire. Surgeries, estrogen, and other methods are really permanent and says to the world, "you're transitioning".
...

What's the TRUE test of finding if you have to do this or not??!! I want a once and for all solution in finding if I am truly transsexual. I feel like I am, and that scares me though, and I know I am not really that strong like you women are. All of you are super human strong, and I feel like a psychologically messed up person who should go to an asylum compare to you all.

Megan:

Everyone has given you some very good responses to your question.  Unfortunately, as has already been stated, there is to TEST.  No real definitive objective medical test that will say beyond all shadow of a doubt that you are trans.  Yes there are brain scans that have shown some interesting evidence that the brains of transsexuals do show some tendency to that of the opposite gender.  But it has not been used as a clinical tool for diagnosis.

What it comes down to is that you are trans because you say you are.  It's as simple as that.  An acceptance that your mind and body are in conflict.  Working with a therapist or a counselor will assist you in confirming your feelings according to medical guidelines, but the statement comes from you.

I would not wish this condition on my worst enemy, this is a terrible thing to have to deal with.  But we do.  And you can too.  You are stronger than you know.  You can deal with this.  And you will have to deal with this.  There are a number of options as others have stated, from complete suppression to complete transition.  Whatever path you choose is up to you and then dealing with the consequences of  your decision.

All of us here have had the very same feelings you have had.  You are not alone.  You are among friends, brothers and sisters who understand.  You must walk the path by yourself, but you are not alone.

One additional thing I would mention if you do not know it already, spironolactone suppresses the production of testosterone and sperm and reduces the libido.  But the effects can be permanent if you continue its use for longer than eight or nine months even if you stop taking it.  You will chemically castrate yourself.  So there is some point where you cannot ever go back, so keep that in mind.

-Sandy