Hi.  It seems all I ever do is complain to you nice patient people.  Thanks for listening yet again.  I'll try to keep this one short.

We had my partner's parents over this weekend to celebrate my son, Kevin's birthday.  The way they are handling my transition seems to be to completely ignore it.  They still call me 'she', 'my female name and refer to me as 'mom' to my kids.  Which is confusing to them because they have been calling me by name male name pretty regularly. 

Plus it's a shock to me when I hear my female name or female pronouns.  Because I almost never hear any of that from anyone else.  When the first got here I saw my partner's father looking at me worriedly but not a word has been said.  I asked my partner to speak to them about it and he did.  However what he said to amounted to 'why don't you humour Her so we don't ruin Kevin's birthday.'  He doesn't want to cause a scene and thinks I should be okay with that. 

So now they are compensating by not referring to me as anything.  They will talk politely to me without using any name at all.  Doing everything they can to avoid it.  In fact during dinner my father-in-law stood up and walked over to get the potatoes that were near me.  Instead of asking me to pass them.  It makes me want to kick them out of the house and then go somewhere and cry. 

This all because my partner doesn't want his parents to know that he is a cross dresser.  That we relate to each other in that way.  He just wants them to believe he's staying with me out of the goodness of his heart.  It's such a false martyr complex and it drives me crazy as well as hurts me quite a bit. 

Tell your man that the way his parents treat you and that fact that he's not doing much to stop it pisses you off - or tell him to grow some balls - OR, next time his parents are there, you can say something.

Thanks Devyn.  Actually they are still here.  In the other room as I type this.  I'm thinking about saying something but I'm not sure what.  Something needs to be said however because clearly having the elephant in the room is not working out so well.

I can not believe that he has the audacity to be closeted cross dresser and not stand up for you in your own house.
He personaly knows to some degree the the issues we go through.

Like already stated he should make a stand before you do!

Cynthialee, have I ever told you that I love you?  I do you know.  You are always right there whenever I need a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.

Concerning my partner being a cross dresser, he goes on and on about being a private person.  How he doesn't feel it's his parent's or anyone else's business what he does in private.  Well it's not my job to out him.  Just the thing is with him being so secretive it means that he's less likely to stand up for me.  On account it might make him to seem to sympathetic and raise their suspicions or some such thing.  They all ready have no idea what to think. 

Still I can't get completely angry at him because outside of his parents he is doing better.  He's referring to me with my male name normally.  Just I suppose one's parents is the hardest obstacle to overcome. 

Squirrel your marriage is in trouble but I suppose you don't need a person on a forum to tell you that.

At the risk of offending you and I'm genuinely sorry if this does cause you any pain but your husband is a coward, a bad partner, unsupportive and a bit of a tosser. When people get married their loyalty shifts from their parents to their spouse. In his case he's just swapped hiding behind his mothers skirts to hiding behind ones he wears himself.

The difference between you and him is that you already have balls, surgery or no damn surgery!

You are in a cruddy position because you have your kids to think about so it isn't as easy as just telling your inlaws to get lost or refusing to speak to them because they are so bad mannered and ignorant.

If you ever wondered where your husband gets it from, look no further than his father.

I really do hope that as you become more masculine on T they might begin to treat you with the respect you deserve.

If your husband decides to borrow your balls and be a man about this anytime soon then I reserve the right to fully retract anything I just said about him 

To my point of view there are two issues. Your partner need to stand up for him/her self and tell the parents that they have to respect the relationship your family has. Explain what that relationship is clearly and distinctly.  If he/she doesn't wish to discuss there own GID at the moment fine.

You may wish to tell the parents the rules of the house. That your son is comfortable with you as a male and that referring to you in any other way is demeaning both to your son and to you.  That you understand their possible embarrassment and that they may have personal issues with acceptance of TG people.  However it is your house and your relationship.  If they are uncomfortable visiting their grand child, how are they going to manage in the future. You may wish to sugar coat it with  a comment such as partner and I love each other and we have mutual acceptance of each other.


However you also will need to talk to your partner that the relationship requires mutual support and love. If cross dressing is going to be part of the relationship, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. However, it has to be accepted by your partner that there nothing to be ashamed of and that your relationship is either of a cross dressing male with a gender ID male or as a trans gendered female who lives with a TG male. None of these are wrong, shameful or even rare. You both love your son, and he requires his parents.

I would be careful not to threaten your partner with exposing the full relationship. However I would suggest allowing and encouraging more and more exposure to their feminine side.

Without being forward I suggest you encourage the cross dressing in a very supportive way, and gradually in a slightly dominant way.  I think this could be a very loving and caring relationship. It just needs to be coaxed along. That your partner is accepting of your gender and that they wish to explore CD and are being 'wimpy' to their parents, suggests to me that they could be quite happy being coaxed towards the female side of the relationship.

I also think you would enjoy it also.

Best wishes and I hope it all works out

Hugs to you, your partner and to your son

Cindy

Thank you for your advice Cindy and John. 

It is so frustrating with him.  Sometimes I don't know why I am even bothering with this relationship.  Of course there are the kids but shouldn't there be something more.  Then we have some great moment where we really connect.  I don't know sometimes I wonder if we would be better off as friends. 

As I've said before I just want someone who wants me to be who I am.  Who will support and take joy in my transition same as I would support them in whatever struggles they might face.

My partner just wants to keep me as feminine as possible.  He puts down every step I take and he refuses to help me pay for clothing or anything else that might aid me.  He keeps talking about someone slightly androgynous such as Ellen Paige as a role model.  She is adorable and all that but much to girly for who I know I am.  I feel like a real man wouldn't take this sort of ->-bleeped-<- from him but it just leads to arguments and him being up all night and blaming it on me for bringing stress into his life. 

I just don't know.  I want to walk so bad but I want my kids to be happy.  That's the sticking point. 

Squirrel, I am so sorry to hear that all this ->-bleeped-<-e is going on.  It sounds to be a very complex situation.  It also sounds as though it could go either way.  Agreeing with Cindy, the best case scenario is that you effectively become your partner's therapist and help him express himself and lose his shame at his cross-dressing.  The result could be a relationship that is closer and more full of mutual understanding than most couples experience.  The worst case scenario is that he continues to reject himself and so you.  You remain at loggerheads, he continues to be passively agressive (the money thing, the position he has given himself of martyr and blaming YOU for the stress caused by his inability to adapt) and both feeling betrayed and misunderstood.

It must be indescribably difficult for a partner to accept their SO transitioning.  I would like to think that I would stand by mine if he chose to, but who knows?  I love him as a man.  Could I adjust my sexual orientation to love him as a woman, or would I constantly hanker over what he used to look like?  My partner believes that he could not remain as a sexual partner if I transitioned.  And, because it would break my heart to lose him and tear up the family, I am not looking at medical treatment for the foreseeable future.  But, the thing is, your partner is staying with you but kvetching about what you are doing.  He needs to make his mind up.  Get out or grow up.

But, as you say, the bottom line is the happiness of the kids.  And they can't be happy if you and he are obviously not.  A calm home with a single parent is better than one where the parents are constantly battling.

I really feel for you and wish you all the fortitude you will need to sort this out.

Your partner can stand up for you loudly and clearly without needing to out himself as a cross-dresser. 

He can just say "Female Name" is now Paul, and he'd prefer male pronouns.  Thanks."  Simple, no explanations needed.

I had a hurtful partner, so I feel for you.  Mine would use something deeply personal I'd shared with him in private as a joke/insult when his family came over.  Asswipe.  And that was well before transition.  I can only imagine if I tried to transition while still with him.

When his family leaves, I'd call him out on his behavior. Don't take this (or the money thing).  Do NOT feel guilty.


Jay

Quote from: Squirrel698 on September 05, 2010, 08:39:55 PMSo now they are compensating by not referring to me as anything.

I'm getting this at work. I still use my first name since it's unisex so that's no problem, but I noticed some of them don't use pronouns as much. I think it's because they're concerned I'd get offended if wrong pronouns are used. I would be offended but not blow up on them. I realize it will (unfortunately) take time to break the habit and I just remind them.

Truth be told I'd prefer no pronouns to female pronouns. I'm hoping eventually everyone will catch on and it will be commonplace. Maybe some people don't use pronouns at first because it's the first step in their mind to remove the thought of using female pronouns? A step at a time I guess.

[quote author=Squirrel698

My partner just wants to keep me as feminine as possible.  He puts down every step I take and he refuses to help me pay for clothing or anything else that might aid me.  He keeps talking about someone slightly androgynous such as Ellen Paige as a role model.  She is adorable and all that but much to girly for who I know I am.  I feel like a real man wouldn't take this sort of ->-bleeped-<- from him but it just leads to arguments and him being up all night and blaming it on me for bringing stress into his life. 

I just don't know.  I want to walk so bad but I want my kids to be happy.  That's the sticking point.
[/quote]
think ahead for everyone's sake.
do the kids know of his crossdressing?  how do you explain it and what sort of role model is he?
is his insistence on you remaining as femme as posible his defence against feeling homosexual?  Lots of CDs are bi as an evening in a CD club will show. 
I can't imagine you're going to be together for the long haul.
Right now you need to let both sets of parents know that you are transitioning and your names is Male.
Get them on the phone and tell them that your male name has to be used. Thwen tell your guy to make sure to call them and tell them too.