QuoteWhat's the TRUE test of finding if you have to do this or not??!! I want a once and for all solution in finding if I am truly transsexual. I feel like I am, and that scares me though, and I know I am not really that strong like you women are. All of you are super human strong, and I feel like a psychologically messed up person who should go to an asylum compare to you all.

You have just completed the TRUE test! You are here describing how you feel and nagging thoughts of femininity, regret, denial, feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Hon, your classic book text TG. Solution to such a complex scenario is as complex so, sorry hon but long road ahead! "I FEEL LIKE I AM" you told this to us and yet you are telling this to your self but don't want to believe it. "I FEEL", this is truth not reasoned or acquired but within your core being, a gut feeling of truth undeniable, yet your thinking mind faces turmoil, all those negative aspects of being one, what will they say, what will they do. Well, they do not live your life you do, do your self a favor and embrace this feeling and you will see that overwhelming joy will fill your soul and if so this is YOU.
"All of you are super human strong", yes we are as well as you are. This strength comes from being who we are, overcoming our own selves, our own demons, society, family, depression. Throughout our lives we experience sorrow of many, but yet we overcome, we deny our selves freedom, but yet we overcome, for those fortunate ones who survive, we blossom, for those who don't, they no longer have to struggle in this life. Babe, you shall overcome, with this family of lovely, talented and smart ladies you will blossom. My love to you hon and good luck! 

Quote from: cynthialee on September 05, 2010, 12:38:16 PM
(I would guess my smile ratio would be at 10/1.) 

10:1? That's huge! Guess you're smiling all day long then

g

Well strictly speaking as originally intended in the Benjamin treatment protocols the period of time between initial "temporary" (ie reversible) transition and the surgery which makes that permanent IS the test.

During the period of the RLE Benjamin expected his subjects to be closely monitored to make sure that they were indeed better adjusted and more stable than they had been prior to transition.

At the end of that period the clinicians and patient would have to concur before SRS could be provided. That was the intent. Unfortunately it assumes many things which are not necessarily true, for example the fact that the patients immediate circle would accept and cooperate with the transition. The problem is that in reality oft times they don't and therefore the test fails, not because the patient is at fault, but because the real world puts them under intolerable stress.

So the bottom line, as everyone has said is that in this aspect of life if you are looking for a black and white yes/no answer there simply isn't one.

In my opinion schools do children no service by teaching them to expect only a right and a wrong answer. The real world simply is NOT like that. More often than not there are only several partly right answers and several partly wrong ones and the difficulty is not to choose between right and wrong, but to choose between some in between state which is neither fully right nor fully wrong.

Or put another way life's a bitch! because in the real world, as opposed to fairy-dairy land there often just ain't no such thing as absolutely right.

So many of us repress our true selves because we fear the consequences.  Family, friends and society in general tell us we have a problem, that we are flawed and if we ignore them and fail to conform to "normal" gender roles there will be a steep price to pay.

That pressure begins at a very early age so it's no wonder we are so deeply affected by it.  Denial becomes our tool for survival. 

"I'm not TS!" 

And we live as long as we can reciting that mantra.  And it takes a toll on us.  For some the toll is life, for others it's severe emotional distress and so on. 

But the ones who seem to come out the least damaged are the ones who don't care what others think of them.  They know who they are because they don't go outside for the answer, they know it is within.

When that time had come for me, the time when the toll from living in denial was so great I hoped I would die early, I knew I had to do something.  But I wanted to be sure.  So I created my own test.

Imagine yourself completely isolated from everyone and everything you know today.  No one can hurt you.  No one is there to tell you what to do.  No one is pressuring you or threatening you.  Take who you are today and what would you do?  Would you transition?  Or would you continue is this seemingly tortured life?

My first time out of the house as Katherine - I didn't know how to be Kate yet - was a GLBT dance.  I was terribly nervous but went and had a good time - not great but fun.  The "test" was the next morning when I had to dress in drab again.  It was so hard to put male clothes back on.  I knew then that at least living openly as CD was in my future.

I was afraid to admit to myself that I was TS.  I was afraid I would be ridiculed or beaten or killed.  I was afraid I would be a freak.  But it got to the point where I had to at least try.  I was not brave when I started, but transition taught me courage.

Some people have bad experiences with therapy, but for me it was invaluable.  Also invaluable were supportive friends.  Get all the help you can.  Transition should come with the disclaimer you see on TV: Don't try this at home.

Good luck, Megan.  I think most (if not all) of us have been where you are.

- Kate

There is a test for that.  It's called the Real Life Test.  Live full time as female for a year or more.

I remember back in the 1960's and 70's when I struggled with the same questions. The costs were HUGE! It meant loosing everything - friends, family, the life one knew - and starting all over again alone. Early on nobody knew anything about TS - you were delusional for thinking such things - and SRS wasn't even available until the early 70's. I had been assessed by the whole psychiatry department of a major hospital and they were no !@#$@ help -- they said I was "well adjusted" and could live as either.

I learned, in time, that being TS is like being in a burning room. Sooner or later it gets SO hot where you are that you HAVE to jump! The unknown becomes the only viable alternative.

There is no rush, there is no "test" except life itself. If you are TS, there will come a time when you have to jump and only you will know when that time is. If making the jump is right for you, your new life will be a remarkable and wondrous experience. If you rush and make decisions you are not sure about, it could be disaster.

Here's possibly a related but different question, and I'd be particularly interested in answers from anyone who's in or has gone through the CAMH program:

I just sent in my intake package, which included my life story.  One of the things I wrote about was having sexual fantasies in which I am the woman in the fantasy, which describes pretty much all of my fantasies in this regard, and also extends to when I'm looking at or reading erotica.  Since sending that in, I've been doing some reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence's Trans Women's Resources website, where she describes Dr. Blanchard's theories on  ->-bleeped-<-.  Now I'm wondering... how worried should I be that when assessment time comes, I might be diagnosed with  ->-bleeped-<- instead of GID?  Or is the fact that I'm worried about it a bad sign in itself?  Or am I worried about possibly nothing?  Anyone?

Quote from: Northern Jane on September 06, 2010, 07:10:24 AM
There is no rush, there is no "test" except life itself. If you are TS, there will come a time when you have to jump and only you will know when that time is. If making the jump is right for you, your new life will be a remarkable and wondrous experience. If you rush and make decisions you are not sure about, it could be disaster.

This is so very true. The test for me was that I'd reached the point where carrying on as I was was just not an option...transitioning is for me the path of least resistance, despite how difficult and fraught with hardships I know it to be. Strangely though, all the fears about transitioning I had back when I was pretending to be me have largely turned out to be unfounded, after years of thinking that I'd be a freak and no one would accept me I was surprised at first at how positive everyones reactions were, but have no got to the point where having a negative reaction would actually be surprising. So don't worry about what other people might think, just be true to yourself and you will be fine.

Quote from: Northern Jane on September 06, 2010, 07:10:24 AM
Being TS is like being in a burning room. Sooner or later it gets SO hot where you are that you HAVE to jump! The unknown becomes the only viable alternative.

There is no rush, there is no "test" except life itself. If you are TS, there will come a time when you have to jump and only you will know when that time is. If making the jump is right for you, your new life will be a remarkable and wondrous experience. If you rush and make decisions you are not sure about, it could be disaster.

This.

Quote from: Helena on September 06, 2010, 08:56:27 AM
The test for me was that I'd reached the point where carrying on as I was was just not an option...transitioning is for me the path of least resistance, despite how difficult and fraught with hardships I know it to be. Strangely though, all the fears about transitioning I had back when I was pretending to be me have largely turned out to be unfounded, after years of thinking that I'd be a freak and no one would accept me I was surprised at first at how positive everyones reactions were, but have no got to the point where having a negative reaction would actually be surprising.

And this was my experience, too.

(I'm not ignoring you, Colleen.  I didn't go through that kind of evaluation so I don't have an answer to your question.)

- Kate

I waited until that transition or die moment. Not a path I recomend at all.

I've lost everybody I considered a friend in recent years as I became more and more antisocial. I've never had too many to begin with but I now have absolutely no friends, no pals, nobody. So when the friend count went down to zero I decided to "jump". Because it became clear that I have no place in society in a form like that. If someone important had remained I might have not decided to do this but now I have nothing to lose. But I see this as a sign: I had to come to this state after 25 years of GID, the ground zero, so now I can build something up from there. And that's what's happening now

g

I too waited until there was only one option to stay alive so I jumped.

@ Colleen...

Nope I have not direct experience of the CAMH program, but am aware it's for peeps with addiction histories seeking help...

Drinking to make dysphoria go away was a vehicle I used for a wee while...but fortunately I was sensible enough to get a grip of it before it turned ugly....but it made me realise that my personal problem was not going to be 'liquidated' away....probably 18 months or so before I caved in and finally got professional psychosexual help.

But not sure how this relates to a team at a GID centre....unless one was addicted to cross-dressing?

From how I understand it...  ->-bleeped-<- is more to do with the fantasy of being female as a key trigger for male individuals to get sexual release and hence gratification.... and in a sense nothing else would work for them.

As in the straightforward typical no frills heterosexual male female hook-up, would no longer be a functional option for them....

Where as primary female identity in TG's is more a thing of inner self, rather than overtly tied up in genitals and all that's sexual....which is why the 2 year real life test pre-op is key.....(this is not a play time thang)....and while engaged in it...you would not normally be highly sexually charged throughout....

Which maybe someone with  ->-bleeped-<- would be?

However I doubt few of us, have never used female fantasy as a way to get off, pre transition...

It's another catch-22 dilemma perhaps?

I had a dear friend once whom trained for two years or more to be a counsellor for RELATE..... and on his last interview (he was male) before being let loose on the clientele.... he was bluntly asked if he ever thought he might be attracted to a woman, he was counselling with marriage difficulties, and might act a certain way because of this?

His answer, which was brutally honest, was 'Yes he might!'

He was instantly dismissed and binned out from the service....

Sadly collusion with the gate-keepers is a must to some degree, in all walks of life...

Thanks, Cruella.  My concern is over being mis-diagnosed.  My understanding is that  ->-bleeped-<- is indicated if a person gets aroused primarily by the thought of being female, whereas that does not describe my experience, but I guess I'm worried my life story examples might be misinterpreted.  I will also admit that I'm a bit of a worry-wart, and in particular in this situation, because I spent so many years in denial, I guess I'm afraid of being misunderstood.  I don't know... it seems lame when I type it out.  Maybe I'm just worrying unduly - at any rate, I can't do much other than submit myself to the process and see what comes out, so I might as well stop worrying, eh?  Thanks...

Doing what we have to do Colleen is always at some points frightening.... and highly stressful..... no different in fact to much of everyday life in fact...

But where there's a will there's a way....

And as many of my relatives and my surname place me in the heart of County Wicklow....

I'm a firm believer in the luck of the Irish!

So hold onto that.....

you do know that ->-bleeped-<- (autogynophelia) is pretty much a hated and discredited theory right?

Quote from: cynthialee on September 06, 2010, 08:51:56 PM
you do know that ->-bleeped-<- (autogynophelia) is pretty much a hated and discredited theory right?

Discredited perhaps for its implications, but there are many who identify with it in full or in part.  The theory isn't perfect, but it certainly touches on an element of GID that is otherwise taboo to discuss yet widely experienced.  Oh, and before this turns into an ->-bleeped-<- hate/denial thread, I wasn't stating that YOU (you as in the person who is reading this post) experience any element of ->-bleeped-<-, just merely stating it exists.

To the OP, perhaps the true test of being TS is not what you are looking for, but the true test of whether you would be happy with transition.  GID is easy to test for, it has criteria right now, criteria that is known because it has been documented in the DSM IV and later will be updated in the DSM V.  A diagnosis of GID does not necessitate a specific form a treatment however - so in the end, if you wish to know if transition is right for you, you must test it - and get some help along the way (a confident mental health professional is advised).  The effects of estrogen, while permanent are not drastic in the early stages and can be easily hidden except in very rare cases, but you don't need estrogen to live full time or even part time.  In the end, you must experience it - it cannot be described.  Once you do, you will have a better idea of the pros and cons and can make a decision if it is something you will be successful with and will bring more happiness into your life.

Quote from: cynthialeeyou do know that ->-bleeped-<- (autogynophelia) is pretty much a hated and discredited theory right?

Quote from: interalia on September 06, 2010, 09:00:11 PM
Discredited perhaps for its implications, but there are many who identify with it in full or in part.  The theory isn't perfect, but it certainly touches on an of GID that is otherwise taboo to discuss yet widely experienced.  Oh, and before this turns into an ->-bleeped-<- hate/denial thread, I wasn't stating that YOU (you as in the person who is reading this post) experience any element of ->-bleeped-<-, just merely stating it exists.

My concern mainly is that whereas ->-bleeped-<- is hated and discredited (at least within the trans community) that perhaps it might be just my luck to get a psych who believes it, and interprets my case in that light.  I'm aware that subtle distinctions can be made in one direction or the other.  But as I said, the process will move forward, and I can't do much about it, so I guess I should just see what happens...

Quote from: Colleen Ireland on September 05, 2010, 06:38:05 AM
For me, the "true test" will be getting a diagnosis of GID from CAMH. 

The perverts and closet homos who run CAMH may ask you to go turn up in male mode and go into a small room with mirrors and dress as a woman.  There are cameras behind the mirrors and any sign that you get a thrill from dressing will have them labelling you AUTOGYNE. Resist this by tirning up in something female and putting some lipstick on as soon as you get into the building and say clothes aren't important anyway.
In fact it merely shows these pervs have lots of buried issues of their own.