I was hanging out with my friend who I thought understood my FTM situation. But when I hung out with him he kept calling me a girl, and saying "if I had boobs, I would use them to my advantage to get guys" and I told him "my boobs repulse me, you dont understand, imagine if you were the same person, same personality, but had boobs and a vag, and I told him, I wouldnt care if I never had another person love me ever again, I just want to be the way I should be."

and he was talking about how girls had smaller bladders or something (I was buying soda)

and I told him "dude, you really need to stop calling me a girl, I am not one"

and just, I thought I was thorugh with this sh**, I thought I was past all of these people giving me s**t about this. I just want to be stelth, but I CANT cause I look like a girl! a gross girl.   I have been feeling really crappy lately, having really bad dysphoria, and I have been cutting, like if i look in the mirror too much before a shower, I just feel nauseated, i want to vomit at the site of my body.

I am tired of people, I just dont want to be around anyone, except for my accepting friends, because every time i get called she, it not only makes me angry, it makes me confused, becuase I just cant believe someone would call me that.

also
I was playing football with a 'special' person.  he called me she I called out to him "im a guy" and he says "no you arent, im not falling for that one, if you are a guy catch this football" (i suck at football)

guys, Im just really down, having terrible dick dysphoria, bad chest dysphoria, face dysphoria, hips, voice, everything.


edited for language

I don't think you look like a girl! You look like a guy to me, and a pretty cute one too.

Quote from: Elijah on September 07, 2010, 10:23:47 PM
I am tired of people, I just dont want to be around anyone, except for my accepting friends, because every time i get called she, it not only makes me angry, it makes me confused, becuase I just cant believe someone would call me that.

I know what you mean. I have a friend who isn't out to much of anyone, and he lives as a female and might never transition. But he's such a boy. The trouble is, when you're not on hormones and you maybe have noticeable chesticles, there's a fine line between boy and boyish. If I had just met my friend and didn't know he was trans, I'd probably be wondering; but since there aren't that many transsexuals in the world, I would be inclined to think that he's probably just very butch. She's butch, I mean. Except I can't see him that way. Every once in a while I have one of those "oh, yeah" moments and realize that his voice is high and his chest is...well, wow, there's stuff there. Talk about a jolt.

Some people of average or higher intelligence will refuse to accept you even when you clarify your status. I don't blame you for not wanting to be around them. Spend as much time as you can around folks who know you and get you. But don't hold it against the "special needs" guy--unless you're willing to spend the time and effort to really explain yourself, and run the risk that he'll never get it.

It gets better. Promise.

P.S. Let the bathroom mirror fog up. Seriously. It's what I do, whenever I can. When it doesn't fog up properly, I just try not to look. I dry myself off really fast and put on a robe right away. I wish I didn't have such a danged big mirror, but it sure helps when I inject.

Some people are just ignorant and will say anything to get a reaction outta you. It's really sad, but all you can really do is shrug it off and try to surround yourself with more positive and understanding people. :/ Arch pretty much said it all. I'm also sure it doesn't help when these annoying people have a stereotypical outlook on what a male should be like.

Quote from: KimberlyJean on September 07, 2010, 10:25:10 PM
I don't think you look like a girl! You look like a guy to me, and a pretty cute one too.

Echo.

Stay strong, Elijah.

I agree with everyone else Elijah.
There's always going to be some ppl you can't get through to, those who are stubborn and ignorant. Some ppl just like to make others feel like crud and you don't need that in your life. Tell him if he doesn't stop disrespecting you then he's gotta git. Haha.

Keep your head up man..I feel the same way, I have days where I look in the mirror and just see female and I hate it. My voice is so high, I have curves, my chest isn't male..it really gets to me..I want to also be stealth, but I can't right now..it'll get better, hang in there.

Man, that sucks. I know what you mean, in that period before I came out to everyone I would just avoid leaving the house. My parents called me by the correct name and the trans group people and that was basically it. It made me so frustrated and angry, sometimes I just wanted to hit someone but of course I never did since I am not violent.

Actually, even now, people who I can't tell or haven't for whatever reason I just avoid. I don't talk to them or see them or anything because it's just not worth it to me. I am so sick of being called by the old name and pronouns.

Quote from: Elijah on September 07, 2010, 10:23:47 PMguys, Im just really down, having terrible dick dysphoria, bad chest dysphoria, face dysphoria, hips, voice, everything.

I know how you feel, but you'll find a way to feel better about it sometime. Not really comforting but it's all we've really got for a number of things.

Hey, from what I've seen of you you look like a guy. And not a bad looking guy either, if I may say so.

It's a tough situation. It used to really just tear me down to be around people who thought I was a girl. I've never actually been a girl a day in my life. I've acted the part, but that's about it. Unlike a lot of you guys I never chose to transition, but that doesn't change who I am. There's good days and bad days for everyone, not just trans folks. It took me a long time to find an equilibrium between mind and body. Sometimes it sways but what never really wavers is how I see myself in my mind. If I'm in a situation where I have to act, then I cling to what's in my mind. Sometimes I make up a whole alternate scenario where the person/people I'm dealing with are dealing with me in a gender appropriate way. A lot of people are never going to "get it". I stopped trying to make those people get it. It was a waste of my time and effort. 99% of the people in my life don't get, understand, or want to see what I actually am. For me, it's just not worth the effort though. I've gotten past the misuse of pronouns, the occasional "ma'am" while shopping. I've found that more often than not if I'm just myself people will respond to that. Most guys do just treat me like one of the guys. I don't know what else to chalk it up to other than attitude or something? Unless I'm really acting, most women also treat me like a guy. I guess it doesn't matter what I look like anymore, even though I prefer to look more male. I don't know if any of this can be related to your situation but I just know I've felt that way before and I found my own ways to get through it. I have confidence that you can find your way through it too.

The truth is, it's totally and completely impossible for a cis-person to "understand" the situation we are in, how we feel, and all that.
It's a situation you have to experience to have even the slightest grasp on it.
Heck, we can't fully understand each other even!

All you can do is calmly continuing to correct people, reminding them that calling you by the wrong pronouns is f-ing humiliating at best, and hope they learn to stop doing that, but if they don't, you might just have to tell 'em "I know you don't get it, and I don't blame you, it's complicated. But I've asked you for a long while to respect who I am and if you're unable to do so, I just can't be around you any more because it's doing me more harm than good." and walk away.

People are idiots, you and me included.
We think we know more than we do. We think we understand more than we do. We think we're funny when we're not. We think a lot of things, and we're all wrong at least once every day.
If people refuse to learn however, it's just not worth trying to teach 'em.

It'll take time and patience, but you'll get to where people "can't" call you a she because it just doesn't jive with what they see and hear.

'till then, you might just have to make some tough choices about the company you keep.

I still have people (who started out being supportive) saying 'she' to me, then they correct themselves and make it worse, especially if they're talking to someone who doesn't know me as trans, or get defensive about it saying it's hard to remember.

I find I spend less and less time with them and I've gone from being someone in the centre of a crowd to being a bit of a loner. I'd rather have no company than be belittled because it's too much effort for them to think.

It's just sheer laziness and thoughtlessness from people, no way in hell would they 'forget' someone had been widowed and keep asking a woman how her husband was weeks or even months after his death then just say, 'oh sorry, I forgot, it's so difficult to remember when I'm used to you being part of a couple.'

Elijah, the special guy isn't programmed to bull->-bleeped-<- in order to spare feelings the way the rest of us often do. Until you pass completely to him you might consider asking him to call you 'he' because you're undercover as a guy. If you engage his imagination he could be one of your biggest supporters but if you ask him to accept you as male when he doesn't read you that way it's causing him unfair suffering.

I don't want to be judgmental... I know how you feel. But whatever you do, don't cut. It honestly isn't worth it. I've got scars that say I was a cutter. If you nick an artery, you're a goner. It's a simple as that.

As a parent I am asking you to please not hurt yourself as well. 

I think you look like a teenage guy too, so all I can say is be around people who will help keep you 'up, rather than those who drag you down.  Because of who you are you are so much cooler than the other kids, even if some of them don't appreciate it.  I can remember High School and how up themselves so may of the kids actually were.
Hang in there, it will get better.

All the best, Sandra.

Quote from: Elijah

guys, Im just really down, having terrible dick dysphoria, bad chest dysphoria, face dysphoria, hips, voice, everything. :(
size=8pt]edited for language[/size]

Hi Elijah,
I'm sorry to hear how you feel but if it's any consolation: even though I'm several years down the RLE path and generally have no trouble passing just this morning I was in town waiting for bus home when a woman glanced at me and did the double take then let her friend know that I had been read.
Nothing we can do about it except ignore the bad times and find people who will accept us.  Cutting won't help at all so stop ding it and go for a run or brisk walk to get some feel-good running through you system.  Good luck.

Elijah,

I agree with what people are saying about you being a good looking young man.  I know, believe me I know as well as anyone else here how much being seen as something other then yourself can hurt. 

Please don't cut yourself.  It will get you nowhere but scars on your healthy body.  A body that hold who you are even if it is less than ideal right now.  Give it time and it will show the man that you are.

 

When you go from an in crowd who calls you he, to another group that doesn't, it's such a jolt to hear that "she." I went through this, of course. When my partner did it, that was the worst. Sometimes I would think I was better off when everyone called me "she." Now I know that I wasn't.

That terrible androgynous phase just had to be gotten through, and it was a way to the real me. I knew that the murky, miry path was probably the only way for me to achieve clarity and an undisputed identity. Think of it as one of the less savory obstacles in a quest that cannot be won by lance or sword. It's a test of inner strength, endurance, focus. These people call you one thing, but you know you're something else--and you can only complete the quest if you remain steadfast and keep your eyes on your transition goals and the day when nobody would ever even THINK of you as female, no freaking way. That kind of certainty will come to other people. It will.

It's best to surround yourself with folks who get it, and treat the others as part of the passive but necessary landscape of your quest. Gaze at them as you pass, and keep on going. You know who you are, and you have friends who know who you are. A BOY.

Elijah try and keep your spirits up- i know its hard and i too have the scars to prove it. According to my psychiatrist i come over as totally male and yet i still get clocked as female and she'd and her'ed which really brings me down. But we cant always change peoples concepts of us. We can try but we dont always suceed. So then we have to decide whether to exclude those people who constantly bring us down from our group or whether to smile sweetly and die a bit more inside.
But you will get where u need to be one day hopefully a lot sooner than i have. Keep at it Elijah cos your worth all the good things that will happen to you

My friends and my family know I'm trans but they will call me "she" and my mom will use girly nicknames and the worse part is, this girl who doesn't even like me calls me "he" lol. They think that I don't care for them to call me she because I have girl parts, and I'm like well that would be like calling a bio male "she" but they still don't get it.

Quote from: kentrie1994 on September 25, 2010, 01:59:38 AM
My friends and my family know I'm trans but they will call me "she" and my mom will use girly nicknames and the worse part is, this girl who doesn't even like me calls me "he" lol. They think that I don't care for them to call me she because I have girl parts, and I'm like well that would be like calling a bio male "she" but they still don't get it.

This is why I don't see a point in coming out to my old friends/everybody from my past &my family.

Elijah, I second all of the above!  Just hang in there.  You'll get through this and be a nice, strong and caring person (not that you aren't already). =)