Right, the situation is that I may well be forced to come out soon... It's not my idea and it isn't really anyone's fault either.

I got a long distance telephone call yesterday morning from Hong Kong that my grandma, who is nearly a centenarian, has passed away and because of this, me and my mother will have to make an emergency trip there very soon to sort out the funeral as per Chinese tradition.

Whilst no one really cares how you look in the UK, it's a different story in Hong Kong. Due to the temperature and social norms, guys with long hair are virtually non-existent and those that do are stereotyped as gangsters. My hair is currently longish but unstyled... I must admit that it doesn't look too good at the moment but I was hoping to grow it for a few more months before I get it sorted to the style I want. When I go there, I will no doubt be flooded with the same question left, right and centre "why aren't you cutting your hair" by not only my relatives but village members as well since my grandma is well known amongst the village, so me, as the grandson, will likely be the centre of conversations.

Whilst I am just thinking of how to come out to a few of my closest friends, this whole event has popped up out of nowhere. It seems like that when I get to HK, I will either have to cut my hair back to "male" length, or to come out that I am actually a girl inside. If I go with the latter, I am likely to be asking for trouble for two reasons... Firstly, although LGBT is more tolerated it still remains a very awkward subject and transsexuals are even less understood. Secondly since I am the only surviving male decendant on my grandma's side, I am supposed to take lead of the funeral... It is supposed to be the son's job, but since my father has passed away too, I am to assume his position, even though I don't know my grandma very well.

It seems like that I am in a very sticky situation. Any suggestions as to what I should do?

Since you will only be in Hong Kong for a little while (right?), I don't see the problem of just being yourself - longish hair and presenting male for now.

- Kate

Well... seeing as this is more tradition than anything, you could simply say that you don't WANT to cut your hair. Not "yet" atleast. If your mom asks why, simply say you want a style that involves long parts and that your hair isnt the right length yet. That's how I justified my hair being gone >w> ... *FTM* ... It's a matter of what YOU feel is right honestly. Maybe tell your mom that you don't feel comfortable with short hair anymore?


<3 Alun

i don't see how this will force you to come out

Obviously I'm not familiar with the culture but it seems to me that the whole "long hair = gang" thing would be much more a local stereotype than a universal truth of all Chinese males. Seems to me the simple answer is just to explain that many respectable Chinese males in the U.S. (or wherever it is you usually live) wear their hair long.

OMG, please!!! Don't cut your hair!!!! 

  I feel for you.... i was in a similar situation. I went full time in May, my grandmother passed in June when no one but ultra close family knew about the change.
  I decided that my Grandma's funeral should in no way be about me. To show up presenting as anything other than who everyone expected me to be would have been disrespectful... period. My Mom would have had to explain to shocked relatives at a time when she was most vulnerable.

  Even if you were ready to come out, now would not be the time. Pull your hair back in a ponytail and say as little as possible for now. Pass it off as American influence on your style if people ask and steer the focus back to tending to your family at this difficult time. Early on in transition is when we're most vulnerable to what others think about us.... we proceed so cautiously and watch for reactions even when walking down the street. Handle reactions when/if they happen but don't assume that everyone is going to freak because of your hair. Just say you're like  Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom (male celebrities that wear their hair long)... They'll probably just go on about silly Americans and their hairstyles  :-)

Could you simply say something about things being different in the UK and you need to fit in there because that's where you live.

You might also wear a hat, with your hair tucked inside to emphasise the effect.

Bit decetful, I know. But it may reduce some of the negative feelings.

if your body and face hasn't changed to really female and you can pass as male with no makeup and hair pulled back into a mini ponytail I'd say be pragmatic about this matter and accept it will be just a one-off visit to the place and be the man to do the necessaries for everyone's sake.
On the other hand are there other relatives over in Hong Kong who you might have to see there in the future or who might come here?  If so it might be worth going as female and rely on all the people being quite used to transsexuality from telly films.

I have to say that when I was first out of the closet and not very convincing I went to my local Chinese takeaway and immediately got read so when the guy went into the kitchen and told them about me I had to put up with a parade of staff looking round the doorway to laugh at me.  If they had all been howling and waving razor sharp cleavers I'd have been really worried.

This post may upset those who get upset over my stereotyping generalisations.

It is your hair and it is your choice.  Never cut it till you want to get it cut.  Tell all those how would force the issue, to just bugger off.

I'd have to agree with Jessica.   Now is probably not the time to come out.   Funerals are a time of reflection and morning of the person that has passed away, not reflecting the Transgendered person who came to the funeral.   I'm not sure about the cultural differences, but I'd recommend that you be there to fill the role you are expected and comfort those that need to be comforted.   

I was in a similar situation a few years back.  My Grandmother was on her deathbed with stomach cancer.   I had transitioned part time (I still work as a male, but elsewhere I live as a woman) and my hair was in a sort of Bob-Type Cut that was long enough for me to tie back at work.  I flew the 3000 miles to visit and comfort my grandmother in the hospital (as my family was going crazy and not being much help) and one morning in the hall of the hospital, my mom asked my why I always grew my hair long.

My mom is a sharp cookie.   I'm about 90 - 95% positive she knows exactly why my hair is always long, but she was trying to open a conversation on the topic.   I decided that it wasn't the time to talk to her about my transition and told her "This isn't really a time you should be focusing on my hair, you have enough to worry about with Granny."

She dropped it and everyone went on acting crazy.   My grandmother was so much more peaceful when I was around to comfort her, so I'm glad I went to be there for her and my family.

Apologies for got replying any sooner as I don't have internet access all the time.

Thanks for the response everybody. I know this is the worst possible time to come out and is not that I am prepared to anyways. I was just worried about what to do when being questioned about my hair as I am not a terribly good thinker of what to say when being cornered. I am still a full male, out to no one, and have not done anything to myself at all, apart from growing my hair.

My mother lived there last year and I went back last year to visit her, the first thing she greeted me at the airport was not "hello, how are you?" but instead, "why didn't you cut your hair, I almost didn't even recognise you!". Because of she was constantly moaning about it and siding with the relatives about it, I had to give in to the fight less than 72 hours after I landed and dragged to the hair salon. It wasn't a pleasant experience at all and I really wished I didn't go abroad.

Although my mother is talking less about the length of my hair now, she still make comments on it from time to time, but when we get to Hong Kong with relatives to side on, I fear things are going to make a U-turn and history might replay itself.

Quote from: lilacwoman on September 12, 2010, 06:56:01 AM
I have to say that when I was first out of the closet and not very convincing I went to my local Chinese takeaway and immediately got read so when the guy went into the kitchen and told them about me I had to put up with a parade of staff looking round the doorway to laugh at me.

Ouch, I am sorry to hear that, that must have been horrible. If I were you, I would take my business elsewhere.

You could claim you are doing it as a political protest against something your rel's feel strongly about. Fight fire with fire.

Quote from: justmeinoz on September 13, 2010, 08:13:46 AM
You could claim you are doing it as a political protest against something your rel's feel strongly about. Fight fire with fire.

lol! Probably isn't such a good idea 

Hey Kairy,
I hope is not too late,  look i lived in hk many years as well im not Chinese but i can understand the pressure your family there will put on you,
this is very easy and very complicated at the same time, you choose which way you want to take, i suggest the easy one for now as you are not prepared nor mentallized for the news.

Just stick to a fashion ->-bleeped-<- of the long hair and never mind no need of explanations of any kind, you are you and others have their secrets perhaps one of your cousins is a closed CD or a Lesbian etc, not meaning that is wrong of course, i mean they hold secrets why you have to be weak and say what you dont want to say now, please think it twice and remember the Chinese traditional family will stick on their believes and superstitions for as long as they can, possibly your mom is going to support you but you wont have face to save neither your mom, so be careful and think it twice, save face first and prepare for another day to say it keeping it on. is enough with the lost of your family they are not mentally prepared with a news like that for now.

Hi Kairi,

I no this may not help but just don't worry. Many, many Chinese guys now have long hair (that is not meant as an insult to you BTW). I would have your hair in a guy pony tail, ie low on the neck and not perky on the top of the head as we prefer. IF any one asks just say. Oh I'm fitting in with the USA styles.  I want  to be accepted in the place I live.  But it's a funeral, no one really cares about anyone else. If anyone, including your Mum, tries to coerce you into a hair cut, just say No.
Kairi, it is your life, no matter what traditions there are. We have to grow and develop. Learning to say, No; is something you are going to have to be learn and be able to do.

Hugs doll and good luck.
Keep positive, and keep your dreams and aspirations alive.

Cindy

The easiest way would be to get it cut to an acceptable length. After all hair regrows.





uote author=Kairi link=topic=83808.msg592752#msg592752 date=1284383318]
Apologies for got replying any sooner as I don't have internet access all the time.

Thanks for the response everybody. I know this is the worst possible time to come out and is not that I am prepared to anyways. I was just worried about what to do when being questioned about my hair as I am not a terribly good thinker of what to say when being cornered. I am still a full male, out to no one, and have not done anything to myself at all, apart from growing my hair.

My mother lived there last year and I went back last year to visit her, the first thing she greeted me at the airport was not "hello, how are you?" but instead, "why didn't you cut your hair, I almost didn't even recognise you!". Because of she was constantly moaning about it and siding with the relatives about it, I had to give in to the fight less than 72 hours after I landed and dragged to the hair salon. It wasn't a pleasant experience at all and I really wished I didn't go abroad.

Although my mother is talking less about the length of my hair now, she still make comments on it from time to time, but when we get to Hong Kong with relatives to side on, I fear things are going to make a U-turn and history might replay itself.

Ouch, I am sorry to hear that, that must have been horrible. If I were you, I would take my business elsewhere.
[/quote]

@morpho
Nah it's not too late, I am still at home for the time being.

Yes you are so right about Chinese families and the pressure they put on their kids. Chinese families tends to like ego battles and very often compare you with their friend's child whether it's how well you are doing in school, how tidy your room is or indeed how you present yourself. I really don't want to say anything at all to any families, my mother especially, when I have not seen a counsellor. I highly doubt my mother will support me as she one of those people who still seemingly live in the 1950's and thinks in a very conservative way. Couple this with the Chinese believes, telling her or anyone in my family that I want to be a girl is going to be, quite frankly, asking for a disaster to happen. I recall a time about 8-9 years ago, she threatened to disown me when I just said I wanted my ear pierced  . If that was the scale of things stirred up when I mentioned I want an earring, I can't/don't even imagine what will happen!

@CindyJames
No offense taken at all Incidentally, my friends have also suggested tying my hair back, but my hair varies in length at the front and tying it makes me look worse. I think I look better off not tying it.