I have been lurking for awhile and felt it was time to introduce myself.
My name is Tamaki I'm in my early 40's and married. I was born male and I'm quite sure that my brain isn't but I've created quite the male persona to hide that fact.
I learned that something wasn't quite right with me at an early age and there was one incident that was pivotal in creating a male persona. When I was 4 or 5 I got into an argument with my mother and decided to run away from home. My mother was always the strict enforcer of gender roles. After leaving the house it quickly dawned on me that I had no place to go, no way to get food and no way to earn money. After spending an hour at a nearby friends house I went back home to scared and angry parents. The experience taught me that conforming to my mother's ideas about gender was a life or death choice for me.
Once I entered grade school I scrambled for ways to fit in and wasn't really successful but it was good enough for people to leave me alone. I would try my sister's clothes in secret and never did get caught but with a big busy family I was rarely alone. It wasn't until college that I was able to cross dress again. All that time wondering what it would be like to be female, wanting to be female and just suffering in silence. I found a career almost 20 years ago, worked my way up from the bottom and have become quite successful. It's a typical male dominated, macho industry and I've had to perfect my male persona as best I can. My male persona has become good enough that I start to believe it's who I am except that I'm miserable and hate myself as a man.
I'm grateful a place like this exists. It's really exciting to find a place where people's experiences are similar but their opinions can be very different and they feel free to express them without being berated. It's also cool to see not only people from all over the world but some very close to home.
