I know that's a loaded question, but hear me out.

Someone posted a message in another section of the forums about what we've had to give up to be our identified gender.  The conversation sort of floated around a few hobbies but then someone mentioned that they had nothing to loose.   That made me think a bit.

Throughout my life, I've had SEVERAL opportunities to come out to my family and friends, but didn't.

Let's see there's:

• That time when I was 14 and my mom came home from work to find remnants of the makeup I was experimenting with on my face.  My parents had just gotten divorced and while she was 'yelling' at me, she told me she would take me back to this therapist I had to go to after the divorce.  I hated causing stress on my mom and disliked the therapist so I suppressed everything and apologized.
• That time my dad caught me wearing a long shirt as if it were a nightgown when I was 16.  I actually came out to my dad, when he reacted awkwardly, but he has poor memory and I never brought it up again.
• That time when I was 22 and I told my girlfriend about me and she was actually OK with it.  Why didn't I just go on and come out to everyone else?
• That time when I was 24 and that girlfriend, who had accepted me a few years earlier, cheated on me with 2 other guys in my own house which was the final straw to send me into a mental breakdown.   After much soul searching I finally kicked her out and finally accepted everything about who I am and that it wasn't "going to go away".
• That time when I was 25 and I moved 3000 miles from my home state to one of the most liberal states I can think of and nobody new anything about me.
• That time when I was 32 that I decided to live as a woman outside of work as a woman except at work.   Because I was afraid of loosing my job.

Look at that.   All of those opportunities in my life that I could have had started my life and live it as the person I had been in denial over. 

Why did I not come out?  Why would I put up with looking in the mirror and hating the image looking back at me for over 20 years?

My therapist asked me last week why I decided to come out now, after I had accepted my Gender Identity over 10 years ago.   And I had to think about the answer for a second.   It finally hit me, though.

It's because I was trying to be accommodating to other people.  I was afraid of breaking the comfort zone of the people around me and causing them to lash out against me.  I was SO worried about what other people would think of me and their perception of who I am as a person that I simply never thought about being who I felt I should be.   I was afraid to accept myself as a human being who needs to find something to love about herself because nobody around me would love me. 

I was wrong.   

I'm fairly certain that my life would have gone fairly similarly if I had accepted myself as a teen and went to that therapist.  The main difference is I would be happier and likely have a group of friends and family who know me as the person I've always known myself to be.  Yes, there would be people who didn't understand or want to know me, but that's the way it is anyway.   I would find someone else that could fill that hole.   

So, here's what I'd like to put on the table for all of you who are out there tormenting yourself about trying to accept who you are and what you want to do with your life.

Just go and do it.   Accept yourself.   The longer you wait, the more you will have to "adjust"  when you DO decide to live as yourself.  Why give up hobbies that you love just because it might be associated with your CISGender?   If your current circle of friends can't accept you, you can find another circle who will!

Don't do what I did and WASTE more than half your life denying who you are inside!

I should have come out as soon as I was out of my grandmothers home at 11. I had known prior to that but my granny was way way conservative.
I should have came out at 13 when my father confronted me with the fact that female clothing had been discovered in my room. I just clamed up and said nothing.
I should have come out as soon as I was on my own at 17.
I should have come out as soon as I got out of the army at 19.
I should have come out at 21 as soon as I got out of prison the first time.
I did come out at 22 to a pschiatrist who told me I was mentaly ill and a deviant. He sugested I stop cross dressing and some other crap.
I should have come out at 30 when I had the first serious return of GID since I left the shrinks office.
When my father died when I was in my mid 30's.....

I waited until 41. I knew for a fact at 9 I was trans and at 16 I knew for a fact I would transition some day. I waited and put it off for 32 years. The fact that I didnt come out sooner is only made more bitter and harsh on me with the fact that my entire family has accepted me as Cynthia....Yeah that is a serious kick in the teeth when I think on it.

20 plus years ago I was in transition.  I had told my employer, and told my parents.  I lost my job because I came out.  And I would not be able to stay at my parents house, unless I did not transition.

So I went back in the closet and even got a job driving 18 wheeler.  I stayed in the male mode till 2008.  Both my folks were gone and my employer, this time, was very supportive.

I only wish I had the guts to stay in transition so long ago.  But I have learned that transition is not for the faint of heart.  Now there is not enough money inthe world to have me go back.

Yes. I regret it every day.

I should have come out when my parents found out I was singing tenor in middle school choir and asked me why.
I should have come out when my dad asked why I wanted to play baseball instead of softball.
I should have come out when my dad asked why I stopped playing soccer in high school.
I should have come out when my mom asked why I'd taken all the Ace bandages.
I should have come out when my mom asked why I was wearing men's shoes two sizes too big.
I should have come out when I moved out of my parents' house and started college.
I should have come out when I meant to come out to my best friend after he told me he was gay, instead of panicking and lying and telling him I was bi.
I should have come out when my first boyfriend came out as gay.
I should have come out when my third boyfriend came out as gay.
I should have come out when I got out of the military.

So much "should have"...why now? I don't know.

I should've come out when my roommates at the army put together some money to buy some sex mags and I refused to give them my share. They asked me angrily, "Why? Are you gay?" and I replied with a calm "No.". I didn't lie... Actually I did just the right thing, as coming out to them would've been the equal of a suicide attempt in there Surprisingly, over time, they accepted me simply as a strange person and never again brought up that topic. And when we got discharged from the army, we even spent together a fine 24 hours before we finally went our separate ways. Never would've thought something like that could happen with them. Some people are better than we might think.

Apart from this, I can't think of anything special, except a few of the usual "getting caught by parents under strage circumstances" cases

Regret? All the time, man, all the time

g

Sure, of course.  I feel the way like many of us here on Susan's. I knew in grade school that I was different, but I didn't have the proper frame of reference to understand. It wasn't until high school that I knew I was actively suppressing my need to live as female. I was one of those born before the internet age, when information became readily available. We didn't have forums to join together for mutual support, like Susan's.

I have two children, and will be a grandmother this year. I love my children dearly, and could never imagine replacing them with another life unlived. However, having lived so long in the wrong gender has caused difficulties with my family members refuse to accept me for who I am.

People seem to have a hard time with accepting those of us who stayed in the closet for so long. The irony is that we were doing it to protect them.

So for those young people thinking of putting off living a genuine gendered life- don't. Take a stand, stay strong and be true to yourself. Medical care and mental health counseling is available in many parts of the Western world for those seeking assistance.

Yup and it might have saved me thirty years of pain and upset.    I now have the very difficult task of telling my friends and family and I believe that would have been far far easier if I hadn't waited twenty odd years.    I have lead a secret second life for so long, I simply do not know how to tell those closest to me.   I know I will have to and I know they will be extremely upset.    I wish I had got that out of the way years ago.

A few years ago, when I was just figuring out I was trans would have been that time. My mother will occasionally scold me for not telling her then. True, I may have started treatment earlier, not ended up with girly hips, maybe a couple inches taller. But I doubt it since I was quite confused myself at that point. Guess I'm glad to have come out when I did since I am much happier because of it and will be able to enjoy my youth as a male. My depression got pretty bad, and no doubt I'd still be in that miserable state if I did nothing about it.

I should have too on many of the same occasions.

           The only reason I never came oout was because I was trying to be what I thought my family (and society) expected me to be.  I was always trying to please my mother and father. Maybe that is why I failed at most everything I have tried to do.  - I am who I am and what I am. 

Yup, I regret not telling my wife 32 years ago before I married her.  But I do NOT regret the 3 kids we raised - they're amazing.

I spent my entire adulthood puting off transition so I could father a child. Turns out I was sterile. Yes that stings big time.

If you are young and reading these posts notice how all us late in life transitioners knew young and wish we would have done something earlier. Do not do what we have and wait half a life time or longer. The dysphoria only gets worse with age. Fix it while you are young.

The lady makes a valid point.

Unfortunately I've never had any opportunities to come out to my family. I played the part of my birth gender well in front of my parents and I never once got caught deviating from that persona despite how often I did. I know that not one single time would have offered me any good opportunity to come out since my family is extremely conservative, but I still somewhat regret not ever being caught. I've basically armed my parents with an arsenal of reasons why I'm not really trans. If I tried to come out now they'd never believe me about the secret life I'd lived while under their roof. Lucky for me my family is extremely unobservant and also have a pretty strong denial of anything that doesn't match their world view so they never seem to notice the obvious changes from the hormones. But I'd still much rather be accepted by them.

Valerie, you're making some good points there

But what in fact makes people feel safe is another question. Waiting for that feeling of being safe was the cause of many TSs transitioning only later in their lives, when they had the existence to actually back up such a thing, alone. I don't know if that's still the case today, but a few years ago there the average age of people going under ffs/srs operations was around 35-40. But nowdays there are more younger people are doing this, probably because they have better education (internet!) and they know they can have the state's and their parents' support. And this effectively makes them feel safer, to go through such a huge change with the help of others, rather than going it through all alone, like many of us did or do.

So I'm just saying, I still regret not coming out sooner. But maybe I should regret not being born later


g

Do I regret not telling people and starting transition sooner? Yes, yes, yes and yes.

I can relate so much with the things you said. Yet, if I had started this in the 80's there was less knowledge of this stuff and even fewer resources. I don't know how my life would be now if I had started then. Would my family be as accepting? Would wherever I worked be as accepting? Would I be in a very bad situation with little support?

If I had transitioned when a teenager my life might possibly be worse right now then it is. I still wish I had started in my mid-late 20's though. But, I can't change the past so I look to the future.

From the first moment that I began playing in my mums wardrobe (secretly) I had a overwhelming feeling that what I was doing was wrong and that if my two older brothers found out then it would be the end of the world. That is how I felt and how I felt about it all for so long.
Even once I was old enough to live out of home I still hid it from everyone, well this was the first time I had access to the internet but I didn't know enough about computers to delete my search history and my house mate would make subtle jokes with his friend to me about it as it was his computer I borrowed.
Right up until I finally did accept it everyone I knew just thought I was gay (I dated females only go figure), even though I didn't act gay, talk about anything gay or anything they were just stupid.
I got really depressed and because of this I lost my job and it felt like the end of the world. My then gf knew everything and she was moving out so my world really was falling apart.
It got to the point where I wanted to kill myself instead of admitting the truth.. I felt I'd rather die than be me. Of course my gf found out and contacted my mum who told me to come around after I'd calmed down enough to drive. So at 27 I told my mum everything and it just snowballed from there. I lost all my friends except one and only one brother refuses to see me, which has been more than fine with me. Fresh starts feel fresh!
My old friends were losers and incredibly small minded and it was for the best that I stopped associating with them.. the one friend that stayed was someone I met after high school who is incredibly open minded and well perfect, if only I could have him all to myself (but that's another story).
My parents asked about a year ago "why didn't you say something earlier?". Which is easy to say in hindsight. I guess all I can think is "fear". Fear of the unknown, fear of what may happen... expecting the worst. I was so scared it took staring at death to make me snap out of it, it doesn't have to be that way. Just the knowledge of knowing who you really are and not letting anyone tell you otherwise. I wish I had that strength when I was 18, 22 or younger. I felt a change when I was 25... I knew I was a stronger person, I felt brave enough to go to better shops and buy nicer things for myself, but the fear was still there with another two years to wait. Even those two years I regret.

given how my mother has been becoming progressively less tolerant of me as I change further I don't think it would have made a difference she would have done nothing anyway and fed me the same bullcrap she's giving me now ¬.¬

When I was a kid I distinctly remember dressing up and her seeing me and scathingly asking "oh so what you think your a girl now?" If I'd said yes she'd only get angry I have little doubt.

Short Answer: Oh God Yes..

Long Answer: When I was younger I didn't come out because, whilst I knew something wasn't right, I wasn't sure quite what it was.. Then as I got older and worked it all out I didn't do it because I didn't want my family and friends to think I was any stranger than they already did..

I really should have known - how many 13yo guys go and and buy themselves a dress? Or are envious of the development of the girls around them? In a recent chat with my mum I asked her what she would have done if I had come out at 13.. Her reply caused me to cry - I would have gotten you all the help you needed. And as she becomes more comfortable with my change, I think she's liking the idea of having a daughter better than she liked having a son..

Thank you all for the replies.   It makes me feel less dumb knowing other have done the same ...
Muffin:  you and I have a lot of parallel experiences.   I couldn't accept myself at all on the 20's.  I had a girlfriend who knew and accepted me sorta but she couldn't accept me completely.  I had never known the difference between identity and expression.   I knew I felt female all my life but couldnt figure out how to express that part of me.

i eventually had a breakdown and hit rock bottom.   It was then that I started exploring who I really am.   it wasn't until the last  few years that resouces have been available for transgendered folks that didn't make us out to be sex objects.