I have never really posted anything on any sites before. not that I didn't want to. I just haven't broke out of my shell yet. Though I have been following the posts for a couple years now, I feel like I already know some of you . You ladies and gents are truly wonderful and inspiring. I can't tell you how many times I have read your posts and have been encouraged. Thank you.
Anyways this is me.....
I was the middle child in a large family. I had two older brothers a younger brother and a baby sister. Coming from a large, close knit family, me being the middle child. I never really knew who I was or who I should be. School was the worst. I didn't fit in there at all. I just didn't feel comfortable with myself and my sexuality. I passed it off as just "childish feelings". But I guess that's how most of us felt. It was a downward spiral culminating on my eighteenth birthday. Very tragic but I won't go into details. The good news is there was nowhere to go but up. So I put all my childish feelings away and went into "guy mode". My family had been "on again , off again" religious so I decided to give religion a shot. I have always been an extreme type of person. On or off , up or down. No in between with me. One month before my nineteenth birthday and after a month and a half engagement, I was married. I was also on my way to becoming an ordained minister.
Almost ten years would pass, two kids, houses, work work work, etc. I thought I was doing everything right. I thought I had left my childhood behind me, but those pesky "childish feelings" I had about my sexuality kept on coming up. I remember trying to come up with a speech that I would give on our tenth anniversary celebration. I thought about how wonderful of a wife I had married. I was so glad she expressed an interest in me, she was always taking the lead in our relationship, lord knows I would have never had the courage. It was then I decided to talk to her about my past and the feeling that I have about my sexuality. It took me quite awhile to come up with the nerve. I finally did one night. I sat her down , told her I needed to talk to her about something very important. She could see how hard a time I had to get the words out of my mouth. I barely got through the first couple of sentences , when she stopped me. She wouldn't let me finish. She had to tell me something first. After she said what she had to. I realized our marriage far from perfect.(I won't go into detail) but It was just about over. Anyways I picked up what was left of my pride. Put all my childish feelings away and went into "guy mode".Again. We managed to salvage our marriage, have another child, work work work, etc. But those pesky feeling came back again. But this time they returned much more quickly and with a vengeance. I would have to talk to my wife.
Through all this I did learn a thing or two. I needed to stand up for myself, (no one will do it for you). I need to like the person that I am, and if the people around me do not like who I am then I need to surround myself with people who do. I had another talk with my wife, actual it was several discussions over the course of many months. I found it very hard to be honest with my wife as well as myself at times. It went well (I think) . Although she thinks I'm crazy. She can't figure out why someone like myself would chose to give up so much. She said to me " Why would you do something like this? Your at the top of your game. You have the respect and admiration of everyone around you. Your a good looking guy , your young and your fit". Never the less I started to plan my escape. It wasn't going to be easy. I would need quit my businesses ( It's a family business lots of relatives involved) , I need to put a little distance between me and my family, Mother, father , brothers. ( we are very close, they depend on me for everything). I need to find a new town to live in. ( preferably one that rains a lot so I could ware thick clothes) And lastly I need to wait til my children are grown. I know what you must be thinking, "you think I am crazy" . I know this list of thing I must do seems impossible. Maybe too impossible to accomplish but we all have to do what we feel is right for ourselves.
Well , Now comes the good news ! I am fortyseven now. I been married to the same wonderful wife for twentyeight years. I am retired. I now live in a small town on the Oregon coast (it rains a lot). I have been on HRT for almost one year . ( progressing nicely).
Life Can't Get Any Better !!! I get along with my wife better then we ever have. I get along with my daughters better then ever. I just love my life!! I'm looking forward to this weekend I will be attending a small LGBT festival with my wife and youngest daughter.
I have overheard my daughters talking to my wife at times. They say things like "whats up with dad, he's like, happy all the time?" My wife used to get mad at me because I never smiled especially for pictures. Now I smile all the time, and I love getting my picture taken.
