I'm just at the point where I'm going to see if my doctor will check my hormones to see if they, including testosterone, are even within the normal *female* level.  I don't want my family doctor to think anything...well, that might make him want to send me to a therapist, right now.

I want the lowered voice, the change in fat distribution to fit my (rather thick for my height) bone structure, no periods, and junk growth.

I don't want facial hair.  Maybe the fact that none of my male relatives have ever grown a beard has something to do with why I've never seen having to shave as anything other than a major hassle, and then there's the fact that I'm more male-leaning androgyne than true FTM and beards are a clear sign of definitely-male.

I also want to keep all my head hair, and I'm worried about losing that on any dose of hormones at all, since I've had hair thinning caused by birth control shots and pills that never got back to normal.

Not so worried about the horniness or aggression - when I was on Depo-Provera I got incredibly horny for a while (a week? 2?  3?) after each shot, and when I tried triphasic birth control pills I finally learned why PMS has such a scary reputation - I turned into one incredibly moody, er, cow.  Went off those right quick, but I know how to tell that it's just the drug talking and I'm not losing my mind.

I don't expect that I'd turn straight, as in liking girls, but I could probably deal with it if I did.  I mean, they are decent to look at, I've just never really desired a relationship with one, but I don't think I'd stop liking guys.  I think other people would probably have difficulty figuring out what was "straight" and what was "gay" for me anyways.  So "bi" is easier than explaining how a born-female mostly-androgyne-but-more-male-than-female thinks that liking guys makes them gay.  (on second thought, maybe I shouldn't be so scared of getting sent off to a therapist...if there exists any that I wouldn't just confuse the hell out of.)

I fear changing and not changing.
I fear not liking how I turn out.
I fear I will turn into my father.
I fear being someone else.
But my biggest fear of all is turning into something that my SO cannot be comfortable with. She has a past that I cannot change and I fear that though she is still attracted to men, it won't be enough to continue to make her feel safe.
I fear giving this all up.
I fear living a lie.
I fear losing my SO.
I fear my fears.

Quote from: Hazard "AJ" on September 16, 2010, 05:23:21 PM
I dunno why i scared for.. But i like being a loving caring person and like to talk about my fillings as it makes it easyer, i would like that fact that it might make me stick up for myself. But i ave 6 nephews and a niace (sorry if spelled wrong) and 2 of my nephews im very close to epeserley the youngest whos 2..i love that boy like his my own. i smile every time i see him.. I hope that that wont change after T... Im just scared of alot of things.. Im scared of what people will think i scare that i will change in someways that im a jackass a lose some of my family ect ect... I couldnt think of my world without my sisters kids. and her youngest means everythink to me. Like i said im prob being stuped... But i am also scared of outside changes. I want a deep voice and faceal hair and mans figger Now but what if i dont 5/10 years down the line. then thats it i will never be the person i am today. I want to make sure in 100% on this. Like i said to a friend its like anythink. A cake might look gd but sometimes when u tast it its not what u expected. (U get me) I dunno i fill like a man and i like to be nown as a man. ect ect. and i used to cry about my body all the time. but now not really altho i have to wear a binder everytime i leave the house. when i see my chest it dont really bother me...u now..i dunno maybe i should go to my doc again for pro help..

When I wrote "almost or completely losing your "it's small and cute, I want to cuddle it" instincts", I meant stuffed animals, babies you don't know on the streets. Not kids or pets who you already know and have developed a relationship to. For these, you might express less "oooh, it's cute!" than before, but you may still want to take them into your arms and cuddle them.

I wrote somewhat unclearly. There was no difference in the level of my social transition from before T and one year on T.

If testosterone affects you the same way as me, you will still be able to talk about your feelings, but in less words, and for a less long time. When it comes to talking about my feelings, on testosterone, my special feelings vocabulary seems to have shrunken to that of a 5-year-old kid. I tell them in one or two sentences and then get out of words and cannot talk more without repeating myself. Less metaphors come to my mind which I can translate into words. But I can still use non-verbal skills to transmit the feelings: gesture, mimics etc.

Quote from: Vince on September 17, 2010, 02:36:35 AM
I'm on T, but I'm still scared.  A lot of my fears are... vain, but here they are:

In terms of appearance:
- Balding is my biggest fear.  But I'll cross that bridge when/if I get to it.

My biggest fear as well. Apart from a very hairy back. Yes, and hair started growing on my back. Ewww...

Quote from: Vince on September 17, 2010, 02:36:35 AM
- Being extremely - and I mean extremely - hairy.  I want facial hair and body hair, but I don't want to be a bear.  I don't think many men want to be bears because a lot of them remove some of their body hair... Chest hair, ass hair, etc.  It's just not pleasing.

Hair or no hair is just a question of fashion. Not more than that. Though I hate pubic hair on balls and pussies, as it tends to be nasty for oral sex, when it gets stuck between teeth or gets on your tongue...

The 60ies and 70ies were the decade of the hairy guys in Hollywood movies, such as Sean Connery (There's more extreme examples than him, but I don't recall their names). These were also the decades where women did not shave their pubic hair, as body hair was - ya know? sexy:


Sean Connery



At the moment, it's more the rather hairless type which is in fashin (Leonardo Di Caprio):



Let's add though, that the latter example is more the Hollywood ideal for a young man and the former for a middle-aged one (I personally think that both look hot). I don't know which way you swing (or will swing once on testosterone for a while). Most women honestly don't care much how hairy a guy is, though hair on your back is often not considered sexy. Now about the guys, some don't care, some want you hairy, some don't want much hair on you, so to sum it up, it does not matter.

Quote from: Vince on September 17, 2010, 02:36:35 AM
- Being too "small" forever.  And I don't mean downstairs, in this instance.  My hands are tiny.  My head is rather small.  I just feel like a little kid, and looking down at my tiny hands and tiny feet really freaks me out.  I don't want to be perceived as a little kid.

You cannot change the size of your head or hands. But they will look different cause of fat redistribution, muscle upbuild and getting hair. You won't be perceived as a little kid (unless you have a very rare physical disorder causing your body not to respond on testosterone). However, once through with male puberty, you may probably be considered 7 or 8 years younger than you are. And if you already look much younger than you are - as a female - that is - add both effects. You will rather be perceived as a little kid if you stay off t and still pass for male, as female bodies can pass for males pre-puberty if at all in society. Testosterone will just make you "grow up" then in terms of what society sees in you. You might also perceive your body as "growing up" after a long childhood slumber.

Quote from: Vince on September 17, 2010, 02:36:35 AM
- My face becoming extremely unflatteringly "caveman-esque" (although no one in my family looks this way, so it's crazy and unfounded...) or not masculine enough...

First of all, caveman-esque faces can be sexy or at least interesting depending on the individual and the observer's personal taste. So there's nothing wrong with them. Hell, I'd love to get... okay this gets off-topic and pornographic here. So I'll stop right now and get back on topic.

Then, I don't know your age, but your basic bone structure is built during your teenage years, how squary your jawline is, much of the bulgyness of your eyebrows, nose shape, shape of your skull etc... ask the trans women here they can tell you this in heart-breaking detail. Once adult, from testosterone you may get slightly bulging eyebrows and a somewhat thicker jawbone (not square, just thick) etc. But unless you go on testosterone at the start of puberty, there's almost no chance your face will end up looking like Schwarzenegger's in Conan (before his "FFS" or how you call it). You can see his body got run over by testo during puberty cause of his facial bone structure, and he probably has "caveman-face genetics" as well. Sorry I did not find any other "caveman"-like actor and we all know that Schwarzenegger probably got a surplus of hormones during his bodybuilding career. Plus he had a diet and exercise routine resulting in a low percentage of fat in his body, which makes his facial characteristics even more masculine:



You'll rather look like one of the guys in Lynn Conway's gallery of "successful transmen" (source: http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TSsuccesses/TransMen.html):


Now I only chose examples from European-looking people as I'm from Europe and it's easier for me to judge photos of whites people concerning testo effect. I suck at estimating cis people from other races/ethnicities concerning trans matters/passing/testo effects/average amount of body hair. Plus the body hair on dark-skinned people is less obvious on photos. So these examples might not be very good clues for your case if you're, e. g. Asian or African-American, but the basic effect of testosterone can be seen here very well.

Quote from: Vince on September 17, 2010, 02:36:35 AMAs for psychological/social stuff... I'm afraid of what this will mean for my relationships, but I know it's better than not transitioning.  Transitioning is a scary thing for me, but it's by far the better alternative... I wouldn't be able to comfortably be in a relationship at all without physical transition.  I'm afraid that I will never be happy with my body, which is very possible.  Now that I've started T, I am thinking about my body all the time and I can hardly live with the genital dysphoria I'm getting.  Without having a real, functioning penis, I will always be unhappy...  So going into this is just choosing the lesser of two evils.

Concerning work-arounds: Have you tried out strap-ons yet? Or fisting? Or the really kinky stuff which goes beyond, say, genital contact etc.? Or the more hippie-tantra-like "I'll massage your whole body for hours but not your genitals until you come" stuff (sorry, I don't know well what tantra sex really really is about but I know that it tends to step out of the usual sex scheme at least as much as BDSM so I just assume here.). Or play around with food and licking up your partner when they're covered in whatever but mustard? Or getting mental orgasms (paraplegics know how to do that, many other people as well, and it's one of the most intense orgasms one can get)? Etc.

Sexuality is a very vast field. Extremely vast. There's dozens of work-arounds for trans people there, but how many of them if any at all work for you I cannot say. Just explore. Mind you, one of my best workarounds is the "autogymnephilia" one. I imagine being a guy who imagines he is female. It's screwed up as hell, but somehow it works and that's what counts. If Blanchard were not so biased, he might find this verrrryyyyy interesting. I'm sure he would dismiss it though, as "females don't have fetishes"  :Dand FTMs are females in his eyes  .

And as cruel as it sounds, many people are not happy with their body. It's just that ... at least in principle the body matches their gender and does not have so many weird parts and parts missing. Some of the trans guys I talked to yet have also said that the penis dysphoria diminishes once the rest of the body matches better, for others it worsened.

Might sound cruel to say it here. But to be completely honest, in the mind of many people, we FTMs end up with a circus freak-like body, no matter what surgeries we perform or not once we're on testosterone. And we don't know how people will treat you for this in 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 years, e. g. in old-age homes. Could you deal with this?