I mean, of course I'm not biologically male, but I certainly am male. I've tried telling her before, but she brushes it off and says I'm too girly and that she can't see it (which hurts because she is friends with an open transguy and supports him and has no problem with him and doesn't question or doubt him.)

Anyway, today we went to the mall and we were in a store and she was checking out the t-shirts while I was just standing around. I told her that I couldn't find anything I liked and then I found the guy clothes and started looking through the shirts and such - which I really happened to like, but didn't have enough money for (trying to save up; easier said than done since I love shopping.)

She saw me looking at through the guy clothes with interest and said, "(insert female name here), you're not a guy."

It stung. Bad. I told my other best friend about this, who knows I'm trans, and she said that this girl just doesn't understand. After she said that to me in the store though, I became really depressed. I had finally managed to get through a day where my gender didn't overwhelm me to the point of cutting myself and then she had to go and say that.

The clothes I'm wearing now are mostly guy clothes and I was feeling really good about myself and everything was going great. And then she had to point out that I'm not biologically a guy and my day sucked. Just got home. It doesn't bother me so much anymore since I was able to tell my other best friend about it, but it still kind of stings when I think about it.

I'm starting to dislike my best friend more and more. Ever since we stopped hanging out and then tried to rekindle our friendship...she's nicer and more kind now, however, she still doesn't believe me when I tell her something - like I'm bisexual or transsexual. Our friendship just isn't the same. It really bothers me that she doesn't seem to believe me when I tell her. I'm not saying I expect her to jump on board and support me, but if she could do that once she finally believed me about my bisexuality, why can't she do that about my transsexuality?

When I came out to her as bisexual and she finally believed me (took two or four times to convince her), she became really happy for me and wanted to throw me a coming out party.

Anyway, this is going to become a rant or something if I continue - and my relationship with my best friend has relatively nothing to do with FtM transsexuals besides the fact that I am one and she won't believe me. So I'm going to stop now.

Yeah when I was younger and went shopping with my mum, she'd always drag me to the women's underwear area and tried to get me to buy stuff for up top  . But one day I just couldn't take it and made a HUGE scene all "IF YOU ASK ME TO GET ONE OF THESE AGAIN, I'M NEVER COMING SHOPPING WITH YOU....EVER  " (angry face included). And after that, she's never bugged me about it.

I like shopping at skater stores and guys and girls clothes tend to be quite similar....girls who walk in there aren't your typical girly girl. So I was looking in the guys' section....minding my own business. And a store employee comes up to me all "the girls' section is over there *points to girl-section*". I was just all  seriously? But whatever I left there without buying anything so joke's on them  . But UGH I usually pass so well  .

Dear Devyn,

I don't know how long you've been telling your friend that you're trans. If it took her some time to believe you that you're bi, might take even longer for her to believe you're trans, especially if you're not the prototypical macho guy.

Must have hurt a lot however the day shopping with her. Have you told her how much it upset you?

I'd respond with sarcasm and/or other snide stuff.

Something like..

".. and you're no girl!"
or
".. not that you'd know one if you saw one!"

Or something to that effect...

And if they don't learn, with constant reminding and prodding, then I'd simply tell 'em.
"You know what, I just can't socialize with you anymore. You're disrespectful, ignorant, and a bad friend."
And walk away.

I couldn't be friends with somebody who blatantly disregarded every important thing I told them. You're going to have to have a serious talk with her, especially considering she already understands and supports a different trans guy, it's not like her disrespect is born out of ignorance of trans issues in general.

From what you've said, it sounds like she is just winding you up.

How you deal with it is a matter for you.

I ve got a fairly close friend who i thought had it all sorted in her head abt me. Today she saw me and the friend that was with her said 'who's that guy?" to which she replied - thats not a guy. When she told me about this conversation she thought i'd be really pleased that someone had thought i was a guy. Now i pass to strangers most of the time anyway but her comments just prove that some people just dont get it at all, even the people who are supposed to be friends

Quote from: Devyn on September 23, 2010, 08:48:44 PMI've tried telling her before, but she brushes it off and says I'm too girly and that she can't see it (which hurts because she is friends with an open transguy and supports him and has no problem with him and doesn't question or doubt him.)

That sounds like someone who either doesn't understand, or isn't really a friend.  Even if she can't understand it, she should at least listen to you and respect your choice of pronouns.  And being too girly is a terrible argument.  There are plenty of feminine men out there, just like there are plenty of masculine women.  Your personality and your interests don't define your gender. 

Maybe try having a serious conversation with her, where she sits and listens without interrupting?  If she just doesn't understand that's one thing, but refusing to try is another.

That sucks man.  I had a hard time when a good friend of mine, who's brother is a trans man, basically said the same sort of stuff to me.  It was really really upsetting. Sometimes it's worse if they already know a trans man they consider successful, because they'll always compare them to you. I've had a lot of that, because despite looking quite masculine now, I used to dress somewhat like a sexy librarian for a few years in my twenties.  I considered that a complete performance, but people who don't really know me consider it the real me.  People will always try to act like they know you better than you know yourself, and it's just dirt you have to brush off your shoulders.  I'd heard that people were surprised I was transitioning and assumed my best mate, who is a kinda butch girl must be as well - like she was a way more likely candidate to be ftm, which she thinks is totally ridiculous. She's a girl.  Sure, she dresses and looks kinda dudely sometimes, but it doesn't make her male.  I hate those kinds of assumptions.

Believe in yourself.  If she doesn't stop treating you like that, I would stay away.  It's not how a best friend should be, and I have had a lot of toxic "best friends" so I know what it's like.

Uh, you don't need friends like that in your life.

Nuff said.