Saturday, September 25, 2010
Internalized Transphobia

Posted by Renee at 7:06 PM

http://transsexualferox.blogspot.com/2010/09/internalized-transphobia.html

I'm usually loathe to offer commentary on other peoples' blogs, but sometimes things come along that I just have to talk about. And, of course, comment moderation is enabled there so it's impossible to have a frank conversation (edited: actually my comment made it through, so that was a totally bad presumption on my art). So as not to embarrass the individual unduly, I won't be linking to her blog.

The post in question describes an encounter between a trans friend and the blog's author, a closeted trans woman. This "friend" is not much of a friend at all it seems, and in fact, only contacted our author to ask about a favor, which would involve coming by her place of work. That the author told this person "no" doesn't seem like a big deal to me...if the only time you call is to ask someone to "give you a deal" on some work you need done, you don't deserve to have someone do something nice for you.

I'm well aware of this aspect within myself  I will be honest although because I'm aware of it I don't allow it to get too out of control and I don't vocalize it because it would show me to be a dreadful person.

I've mentioned this elsewhere I HATE begin a transsexual I'm only this way because I had no other option. And I'm only this way because it's the only catharsis I can get to begin and feeling a natal female.

when I see unpassable transwoman I do I experience a genuine phobic reaction along with a degrading sense of pity It's frightening I'm scared of looking at them and seeing parts of myself reflected outwards that part of myself that feels that I'm not a woman I'm just a sick delirious man playing dress up in public assailing those around me demanding that others accept my delirious dream state.

The pity reaction I feel isn't right either, it's a degrading projection because if I see an unpassable transwoman who is perfectly happy with the way they are and won't goto drastic ends to "correct themselves" or isn't moving towards those ends as fast as they physically can I almost cannot comprehend them and These two things combined internally I have to resist the urge to reject there identity and say "were different creatures, Your just a man." it's when I feel that I realize that I'm doing and the implications for androgynous scarcely passable me, I might be criticized for overvaluing 'passing' but given what I mentioned above a desire to pass is as deep in me and visceral as the aversion to pain.
I don't live in a transsexual world I live in the cissexual world and for such a long time I never knew of others and I still want to be a seamless part of that as that is my past and (hopefully) future. And not be visibly aberrant in it amongst my life.

Even still I feel extreme guilt about my feelings and when i'm at my worst I do tell myself "I don't deserve happiness I ought to be the massively unpassable one" cuz of it. I don't know how I'm supposed to not feel like this.

I am just as guilt when I see a transwoman who does not pass.  I almost want to say"Girl what are you thinking?".  They don't  pass really well and in some cases they look like a male in a dress.

But looking at them and thinking these thoughts, are we really think them about ourselves?  Maybe that is why we seek out validation from others.  We just can't trust our own vision because we see faults in others.  Is it transphobia?  Or is it just that we can't trust our own sight when looking at ourselves.

But instead of looking at that person as not passing, maybe we show look at their eyes and see the happiness there.  And once we see that they are happy with themselves we can begin to see them as that same happy person.  And maybe we can begin to see ourselves as being as happy.

We complain a lot about how others treat us, react to us and condemn us.  We say shame on you.  Judge not less ye be judge.  But maybe we should take another look at the bible.

Quote from: Matthew 7:3 INVWhy do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

Quote from: Roman 2:1 INVYou, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

Maybe we need to get our own personal  house in order before we condemn another.

Just a thought.

OK -- I am trans, but if another trans is a simple pain in the ass nincompoop can't I think of them that way without being "Transphobic". "I don't dislike Glorietta Whothehecker (totally fictitious name I hope)  because of her transness, its her stuckup attitude and I'm a better _______ than thou demeanor that I don't like!" 

As a "child of the 60's" and (highly priviledged class) White ASP Male at the time, I was mugged with guilt trips every time I said I did not care for someone who was non-white, non-male.  It was annoying as hell to have the guilt shoved at me when I was honestly thinking they were a simple numbskull of the generic homo sapiens variety and not a black, mexican, asian, or woman numbskull.  My favorite moments were when one of the alleged "victim" group members would come and secretly agree with me that certain people in those groups were jerks no matter how you cut it. 

Moral of this rant===  Is there one?