chrissty
hi just remember what happened to me when i started Hrt i couldnt stop it as much as i tried i couldnt even throw make-up out of damn car. i believe there is a threshhold that once crossed becomes a fast slide down the rabbit hole. i got fried and lost my marriage because of not being able to curtail it an allow the family a chance to adapt in spite of your warnings to me to tread softly. i think its not a matter that some people have a stronger will power i think its just that you have a higher resistance threshold then say someone else does but eventually you hit that threshold and it all comes crashing down at once and before you know it your half transitioned
jessica

Chrissty-I too relate to evolving but I am taking hormones again so change is inevitable and welcomed. You spoke of being in the  'doldrums' wherein you can think straight. I really didn't get to a point to where I could think properly until I was able to use Estrogen and see how it calmed me down-What A Difference! It is when my levels of Testosterone:Estrogen start to go up again that I have problems. Now my wife knows this and the knowledge seems to be helping her to adjust to the idea of my using E.

The rest of my family-well this is another story. I have no immediate plans to let them know anything about it. If they want to know me they will need to come to my home and get to know me. I have a younger sister who recently has taken a renewed interest in spending time with me and our other siblings. I have not come right out and told her the truth but have given her little hints and bits of information that she might be able to eventually put together and come up with the correct answer. One night she commented about the size of my nips and how easily they can be seen. And I have noticed that her gaze will sometimes linger on my chest like she is wondering about it-hmmm. Based upon how she acts toward me now I might consider telling her if she asks me. I am closer to her than any other member of my family.

I admire you Chrissty for having the discipline to not use E even though you would love to and looking at how this will effect your spouse and family first-That's Great. If only everyone could use this type of consideration for others the world would be a much better place.

Jesse-I am sorry that you lost your marriage thru this process. Chrissty and I (and others here) are struggling with this now and hopefully we can keep our relationships strong. Yes I agree- Chrissty is a very strong person and I am most thankful for her (& your) friendship.

Bye for now,
Randi

hi randi the marriage loss is ok with me if it couldnt survive this then what else might have happened that it wouldnt have survived ? life throws curve balls at all of us and doging them is one option hitting a home run is anouther? my concern for both of you is simply and echo of what chrissty tried to tell me almost a year ago. change that happens to fast can get out of control. The only person that can decide at what pace to proceed is yourselfs. I think chrissty is nearing her threshold for change and im just concerned that she will go over it before shes ready and i dont want to see her hurt. you either for that matter. As for me i had to go over because i was past it before i even joined susans. when your crying in your car because you cant throw out makeup because it is a backwards step its time to finish it. which is what im doing. i feel that Chrissty and yourselfs are seaking the perfect time to finish but im not sure if their is such a thing their is just the time when what has been can no longer be and what must be will be
jessica

Hi Randi, Chrissty and Jesse
I have decided to face it and headed to the non op threads.  I would like to thank you all for this thread has been of great help.
I guess i am in a similar situation but my SO is maybe more accepting.  But if we follow the path we are on together then full transition will not happen.  I am ok with that right now and other things in my life are more important then the GI, which we are dealing with together.
Anyway, thanks again, it helps to know that others have been in similar situations.

Hugs
Shelly

Hi Shelly,

I am glad our situations and how we deal with them could be of help to someone else. My wife has good 'moments' then it's back to her being shall we say 'difficult' to be in the same room with. I don't blame her for the way she feels-she has every right to want what she wants too. It doesn't make for smooth sailing in the relationship. On the other side of that coin-well, here I am. I am taking HRT so I can be stable mentally-without it I am a basket case and can't concentrate. I wonder sometimes how far I will get to go with it hence my posting in the non op section. I remain hopeful that I can transition openly someday but for now I will carry on as I have. You are correct that some things are more important than what we want to do at any given moment-if we can still maintain a measure of control over our impulses to act. With this I have good days and bad ones too.

PM me if you want to talk privately.

Later,
Randi

shelly you have to do whats right for you whatever path you chose i hope it brings you some measure of peace
jessica

I know I will ruffle some feathers with this post but here goes anyway. When I first came here I was a mess mentally-with no direction that showed a positive pathway to follow. I have learned much by reading the posts of others and am grateful for this. I also hoped to find some friends and for a while I thought I had. I have found that friends here are more difficult to find than in the general populations anywhere. Out of all the people who responded to my posts there are only three who now do so with any regularity and this hurts. I am most grateful to these who do respond and hope to stay in touch in the future. I have reached a point in my life where I am not so needy as i was before and am stable most of the time. If I don't think about my own problems so much they do not get me down to where I need help just to cope.

I am not going to be here as much as I have previously so I can reassess my role in society and life in general. I would transition if things were different but at the present I cannot and do not see having the amount of money necessary or privacy at my disposal. We have to eat, pay for a place to live and all the expense that goes with that. Reality dictates what I do next and I have to break things down in order to find what is real and just a dream.

Goodbye for now,
randi

Hello Randi,

I am new to the forum, but I saw your latest post and thought that I would at least let you know that I read it and am sorry to see you go.   I don't know you and just a little about your situation from what I read of your posts.  I was married for sixteen years to a woman who could not see all of me and our marriage could not stand the strain.  It is a most difficult situation and I feel your pain a bit.

I wish you health and happiness where ever life takes you!  I hope you find the support you need to be happy and fulfilled. 

Quote from: Randi on June 08, 2010, 10:33:12 AM
I am not going to be here as much as I have previously so I can reassess my role in society and life in general. I would transition if things were different but at the present I cannot and do not see having the amount of money necessary or privacy at my disposal. We have to eat, pay for a place to live and all the expense that goes with that. Reality dictates what I do next and I have to break things down in order to find what is real and just a dream.

Goodbye for now,
randi

Hi Randi,

Yeh....tell me about it...but then if we don't openly burn the ones we love,  we so often seem to be seen as fakers...

Oh for the ability to come out and not worry about the future of those who depend on us...I just can't do it, and neither can you...

We both know that our fate is just as sealed as any other girl here, but we have dependants (and the same goes for the others without partners who are looking after their mothers and family) ....and as long as we can fight this, we will... to give them the future we promised, as long as we are able...

Just because we are not actively transitioning does not mean we are not part of the community, or making a difference... 

There are days for me too, when coming to Susan's hurts a lot more than it helps...but that's just the way it is, and we get used to staying away for a while when we cannot take the stories of progress from others, or welcome the one liner comments on our lack of "progress".

No we are still real people that matter and we have to do what we can to survive, I just hope my being away unexpectedly for a while, has not made matters worse for you Randi...

*Hugz*

Chrissty   

QuoteOut of all the people who responded to my posts there are only three who now do so with any regularity and this hurts.

Hi Randi

I do hope you take care of yourself and wish all the best for you. I hope that you do come back from time to time and share what is going on with you.

I am sorry I do not respond more to you and to many others here. I read with great intrerst about your lifes and relate so much. I usually feel like I have nothing to offer by responding really as I am so messed up in my own head and in my own life around mostly the same issues.

I have apprecitated your posts very much.

I hope that you take care of yourself and wish you the best.

Quote from: Randi on June 08, 2010, 10:33:12 AM
Out of all the people who responded to my posts there are only three who now do so with any regularity and this hurts.

I'm sorry for what you are going thru randi. But there are a lot more people reading your threads than you think. Maybe some have nothing to respond with (?), but we are still here.

I hope the best for you, sister 

I am not anywhere near as far along the transition path as a lot of people  here seem to be, due to battling with my own demons, and perpetual poverty too, but have taken heart from what I have read here.
Hope things work out for you, and you can enjoy each day as it comes.

QuoteI'm sorry for what you are going thru randi. But there are a lot more people reading your threads than you think. Maybe some have nothing to respond with (?), but we are still here.

I'll momentarily step out of the shadows to second this. Your posts and others like it in the Non-Op section have been like little lights flickering dimly in the fog that surrounds me. The fog is still there, but it's just a little easier to see where I'm going because of posts like yours. I'm just not in a spot personally right now where I feel I have much to offer in the way of replies to threads I read here. Kinda selfish, I know. But one day I will pay the Universe back for all I have taken. Best of luck to you, and thanks for the light.

Ella

Thanks everybody-it's good to know I'm not completely alone to deal with this. I'm ok but still have moments when I struggle-doesn't everybody?

Hi everybody, It has been about three months since I came here-seems like forever. Apparently some did not take my post well-for those in that group I humbly apologize. It has never been my intention to cause anyone pain or confusion-I live with enough of that on my own. At the advice of a good friend I stopped taking my meds for a while in order to slow down my chest growth for my wife's benefit. I have done that and am having the hot flashes that I knew would come. I also am struggling with dysphoria which has been very strong lately. So I am going to resume a reduced regimine of meds and exercise for my own stability. My relationship with my wife is still somewhat strained but is much better than it was-honesty really is the best policy I think. I am glad I told her what I am going thru-I should have done it much sooner. She is ok as long as she doesn't see me while dressed in clothes of my choosing-they are always female and I still resent having to wear male clothing. For now however, it is a unavoidable necessity.

I hope you all will be able to bear with me as I continue to sort thru this mess I call My Life. Thanks for all the wishes of comfort and support-I truly need and appreciate each one.
Randi

Congratulations for making another, what?, almost 4 months.  It's kind of like AA, one day at a time.  I have a wife who supports me totally and know the joy of having someone there for you.  I have a good job.  I have made a decision to not transition to maintain these.  Some do extremely well with transition and maintain everything.  Most do not.  For me, I can express myself enough to take the edge off while maintaining a social position.  Sometimes it is hard.  I read the posts of some who lost everything and feel sorry for an inequitable society.  That makes me work harder to just take what I can get and let the Devil take the hindmost!  I was also on anti-d's and found that they got me through tough times, but maybe I felt a little underwater.  Well, I'm prattling-on now, good luck on your mission.

Thanks Cindy! I do exist from one day to the next and at times my life is still an emotional roller coaster. I too have a good job and support at home even if it is moslty on her terms. If I were to divorce right now I would be destitute financially and I just can't do this. We came close to it a month and a half ago but are waiting to see how things go. There is much to loose for both of us were we to go thru with it and there are a few here at Susan's who have lost everything-so sad. I take one small step after another and try to be careful about what I do next so I don't end up alone and penniless-which is a very real possibility.
Randi

Quote from: Randi on September 29, 2010, 08:12:06 AM
Thanks Cindy! I do exist from one day to the next and at times my life is still an emotional roller coaster. I too have a good job and support at home even if it is moslty on her terms. If I were to divorce right now I would be destitute financially and I just can't do this. We came close to it a month and a half ago but are waiting to see how things go. There is much to loose for both of us were we to go thru with it and there are a few here at Susan's who have lost everything-so sad. I take one small step after another and try to be careful about what I do next so I don't end up alone and penniless-which is a very real possibility.
Randi

Hi Randi, the biggest problem with this condition is that we end up "surviving" one day at a time, but slowly loose sight of who we are, eventually loosing all hope of a "future". As you have shown the strength to stop "E", at least for now, then I suggest that you may try to take the opportunity to see if there are any other ways to gain a little more control over what controls you life.



Chrissty

     One thing I never do is to lose sight of who I am.  If Randi's dysphoria is coming back strongly, then neither is she!  Ah, the gift that keeps giving.  It seems that Randi is finding her way, adding back enough meds to satisfy her, while maintaining the status quo.  Everyone has their own limits.  It is easy for me, I have carte blanche around the house, wear what I want, take my prescription hormones, do girl chores, have a great relationship with my wife, and still work in very butch environment making decent money.  Being poor, I have been there, and I can tell you that, that will destroy your concept of self.  Whenever I have been poor, on the ropes, or wondering about the future, I go butch.  I find that posture and personae works best for getting ahead, and out of trouble.  My feminine side functions best when it is cushioned by the money under my mattress, and kind loving person sleeping next to me.  I hope Randi take the time to work it out.
     By the way Randi, do you do housework?  Find ways to pleasure you wife, other than standard guy stuff?  I massage her feet, give her pedicures, do housework etc.  Some women hate that, mine loves it and didn't mind the electrolysis bills, shrink bills, hormone bills, CLOTHING bills etc.  What I'm getting at is that I try to make sure that it isn't all about me, it has it's upside for her too.

I have waited for a while to reply to your post Cindy-I can see that you have been there. I have strived to be a person who does not let external factors control me or what I do. Having said that, my wife and our struggles have placed a great strain on me mentally hence the struggles. Yes I help with daily chores but pay more attention to property maintenence chores and things my wife can't do as I have always done. She doesn't want me doing her nails or watching her get ready to go out. She knows I am studying how to do it and it makes her insecure so I just don't go there anymore. She won't consider anything but taking my female clothes and giving them away if she finds them even knowing she can wear some of them. You're right-it is not all about me but I sincerely thank you for your concern.
Chrissty-what would I do without you as my friend! Thank you so much for your suggestions and posts.
Randi