This is kind of a rant, sorry if it's a bit dull.

Earlier I was talking to my mom about finding a new job. She was telling me I should work in an office but if I ever wanted to work in one I would need to "learn to wear blouses" and other "office attire" (a.k.a. skirts). I started getting angry 'cause I knew this was just an excuse to harass me about my clothing. Anyway, that stupid little comment sparked an argument and I told her to just let me be and stop criticizing the way I am. She responded with the usual "Oh, I don't mean to make you feel bad. You're so sensitive!"

I know it seems like nothing, but it really frustrates me when she says that. Every time I try to sit down and talk to her about things she does that I don't like, she just dismisses it and says I'm "being too sensitive". For example, if I'm having bad dysphoria and feeling really anxious about going out she just gets angry at me. When I try to explain why I'm feeling so anxious, she just thinks I'm being shy and too sensitive.

I'm not out to her yet, mostly because I know she wont be understanding. I feel that when I do she'll just throw that sensitive crap at me as an excuse to use the wrong pronoun, and she definitely wont understand my dysphoria either. I can see it now:
me: "Mom, please don't call me she."
her: 'Oh, don't be so sensitive! It's just a word!'.

I'm actually not that sensitive, for the most part I'm pretty passive to the point where some people have said I'm too cold. I just don't like being hassled so much, and I run out of patience.  I need a break from all the nagging, but she makes me feel like I'm being too thin-skinned.  I hate that she uses the sensitive thing to completely disregard what I say.

I dunno, what do you think? Am I being too much, should I just stop caring? Anyone else dealing with friends/relatives who have this attitude?

I feel your pain.  My mom was the same way about my jeans before I came out to her.  I would always refuse the jeans from the women's section because of offending glitter/sequins/cut/etc. and she would get annoyed and say it didn't matter because "nobody can see the sequins on the back pockets anyway because you wear such long shirts!" or some such nonsense like that. 

QuoteFor example, if I'm having bad dysphoria and feeling really anxious about going out she just gets angry at me. When I try to explain why I'm feeling so anxious, she just thinks I'm being shy and too sensitive.

Same here.  I've got major social anxiety and she's always kinda brushed it off as something I needed to "get over," like I was doing it for attention or something.  Really frustrating, especially after I've been reduced to tears at the thought of entering a store by myself or using the telephone...

My sister is like this. Unfortunately I haven't found a way to deal with it. She winds me up and pushes my buttons and then refuses to talk to me because I have an "attitude problem" ... nothing I say has any merit, because it's just me and my bad attitude talking, not real sense, apparently. If you say nothing, obviously their behaviour isn't going to change and they thing everything is hunky dory.....but confronting it just ends up with it being dismissed. Sorry I have no insight

Quote from: Farm Boy on October 01, 2010, 03:01:01 AM
I've got major social anxiety and she's always kinda brushed it off as something I needed to "get over," like I was doing it for attention or something.  Really frustrating, especially after I've been reduced to tears at the thought of entering a store by myself or using the telephone...

I totally know how that feels, I also have social anxiety; not too severe, but enough to make me avoid things most people don't care about. I also hate using phones, I literally have to write down what I need to say and then strike up the nerve to call. I'll usually dial the number, hear the phone ring twice then hang up. And do that a couple times till I get the guts to stay on the line long enough for the person to answer.

Quote from: Jeatyn on October 01, 2010, 03:01:45 AM
If you say nothing, obviously their behaviour isn't going to change and they thing everything is hunky dory.....but confronting it just ends up with it being dismissed. Sorry I have no insight

Nah, it's okay, good to know you get what I mean. There's no winning, it's lose-lose.

Quote from: fries on October 01, 2010, 03:16:18 AM
I literally have to write down what I need to say and then strike up the nerve to call. I'll usually dial the number, hear the phone ring twice then hang up. And do that a couple times till I get the guts to stay on the line long enough for the person to answer.

I do that too!  I don't actually write it out, but I go over my mental script in my head until it's perfect.  I don't really know what to suggest to make things better, but I can sympathize.  And I don't think you're overreacting, either.  All I can tell you is that since I've begun the very early stages of transition (haircut, binder) I've begun to feel a little better about going out in public.  I'd still prefer not to go out, but when I have to it's been less bad. 

Just wanted to give a big "ditto" on the social anxiety and telephone thing.

Quote from: Jeatyn on October 01, 2010, 03:30:38 AM
Just wanted to give a big "ditto" on the social anxiety and telephone thing.

In my naive way I always imagined that phone phobia would be an exclusively MtF thing. As one the lucky few MtF's whose voice never fully broke I have gotten used to making phone calls for my partner because she often gets telephone sired and I don't...

I realise now that pre-T (and maybe in some cases post T) you guys probably face the opposite issue, which if you are already feeling socially phobic must make things even more difficult.

People who say "You're so sensitive!" know they're being insensitive arseholes.  Just sayin'.


Jay

I agree that the "you're too sensitive" is just a way to brush things off, and it doesn't feel right hearing it when it's the last thing you might be feeling. Maybe you can tell her that the phrase bothers you, but then she could come up with something worse. : /

You're not being sensitive.
You're making sense. That's like passing off all dysphoria as sensitivity...when it's not. It's real. It exists. Your mom needs to come to terms with that. How, I have no suggestions. Just know you're not the one in the wrong.

I've got the social anxiety and phone phobia thing too.  Man, I hate using telephones.

Oh, about the clothes...you could say, "Mom, you're being too sensitive, they're just clothes."   

If it's an office job, you can wear a nice pair of pants.  I worked at an office job under the Dean at my last college and I wore pants and a nice top (nothing too clingy).  Skirts generally aren't a requirement, but "business attire" is so you could just go and get a suit that is neither masculine or feminine but looks good.

I have social anxiety, but it's gotten better since I've been going to a psychologist and psychiatrist--though my social anxiety stems from being picked on because of my disability.

I like jmaxley's idea about the clothes comment, haha. I hate using phones and most social situations due to anxiety so I'll echo you all on these things.

My parents are also buttholes about clothes. :/ They'll be like, "why can't you do something nice and just wear this dress?" I have gotten yelled at before because I wanted to buy some shirts from the men's section, too. I have been told "I hate the way you dress" so many times. My mom ambushes me with makeup... It does get annoying but whenever I confront them it gets worse. Mom will say things like, "Yeah, because the whole world hates you, right?" Stuff that's just outta line, in my opinion.

Sorry I have no solution to really give you, but I totally know what you're feeling. :/ Sometimes it's easy to ignore. It's not your fault. Your mother is the one who is being ridiculous.

Ditto on the social anxiety.

And I've had the (massive, enormous, crippling) phone phobia from approx. age 14, but the reason why never actually struck me until recently.

I agree, you aren't being too sensitive. Before and even after I told my mom she made comments like that but truthfully you know your right and she isn't, I know it isn't much but just keeping that in mind helped me a little.

I also have crazy phone anxiety, my ex used to have to make ALL the calls even just when ordering pizza but I don't know for sure if it's because I get ma'amed (which I always do) or if it's just annoyance at being on the phone in general. As for fancy clothes to an office job, they are right, most women these days don't even wear skirts or dresses for office work.

For office clothes, a nice pair of khakis and a button-down shirt, and loafers would probably suffice.  Pretty unisex too, so the parental units shouldn't be able to say too much bad about it (though I'm sure mine could come up with something, my mom's always complained about the way I dress too  )

Thanks everyone for replying.  I feel a lot better knowing I'm not overreacting. I may not be able to change my mom's attitude but at least there's a ton of cool people on here who understand my frustration.

Also thanks for the clothing suggestions, I was kind of worried about that but I've got some ideas now.

Quote from: jmaxley on October 01, 2010, 01:12:34 PM
Oh, about the clothes...you could say, "Mom, you're being too sensitive, they're just clothes."   

Haha, I'm totally going to say that the next time she says something.

I don't think you're being too sensitive, and your mother sounds INsensitive and somewhat manipulative.

But let me just explore this a little. You say you aren't out to her yet, so I'm wondering how she is supposed to even get a chance to understand. On the other hand, you say that you've tried to explain why you have anxiety about leaving the house, but she doesn't listen...does that mean you've tried to come out to her? Or have you tried to uh, skirt the issue (sorry, couldn't resist) and put things into a non-trans context? If the latter, your reasons for anxiety could come across as trivial and silly because she doesn't have the trans context she needs. Then again, it sounds like she wouldn't listen no matter what, but I have no way of knowing.

I'm probably the last person in the world who would feel sympathetic toward anyone's mother, but I have to wonder if your not being out puts you BOTH in a double bind. I completely understand that you have reasons for not coming out to her, but does the landscape shift a little when you try to see it from her perspective? Or am I just cutting her way too much slack here?

Anyway, I like the idea of throwing the "I didn't mean to make you feel bad, but you're too sensitive" back in her face. If you don't mind coming across as a little obnoxious, and if you don't think the repercussions will be a problem, give that a try. I wonder what she would say if you responded with, "Gee, you think I'm too sensitive, and yet you keep saying things that are obviously hurtful. From this I conclude that either you take a long time to learn the obvious, or you go out of your way to hurt others. Which is it?"

Doubtless she would back and fill, and try to put it all on you. People will tell you that someone else can't make you feel bad without your permission, but I think it's a bit more complicated than that. When people figure out what buttons to push, and when they enjoy pushing those buttons, there's something seriously wrong with THEM. But if you can find a way to not care what others say--that is, take away the buttons--you'll probably be happier in the long run. Easier said than done--there can be a steep learning curve for this. Like, years. Which does you no good now (I didn't have that skill at your age--far from it). But keep working at it for the future.

It looks like you live with your mother. If so, I hope you can find a terrific job (no skirts or dresses) that enables you to move out so you can live your life on your own terms. That ought to dull her fangs a little.

Quote from: Arch on October 02, 2010, 01:43:56 PM
But let me just explore this a little. You say you aren't out to her yet, so I'm wondering how she is supposed to even get a chance to understand. On the other hand, you say that you've tried to explain why you have anxiety about leaving the house, but she doesn't listen...does that mean you've tried to come out to her? Or have you tried to uh, skirt the issue (sorry, couldn't resist) and put things into a non-trans context? If the latter, your reasons for anxiety could come across as trivial and silly because she doesn't have the trans context she needs. Then again, it sounds like she wouldn't listen no matter what, but I have no way of knowing.

I'm probably the last person in the world who would feel sympathetic toward anyone's mother, but I have to wonder if your not being out puts you BOTH in a double bind. I completely understand that you have reasons for not coming out to her, but does the landscape shift a little when you try to see it from her perspective? Or am I just cutting her way too much slack here?

Anyway, I like the idea of throwing the "I didn't mean to make you feel bad, but you're too sensitive" back in her face. If you don't mind coming across as a little obnoxious, and if you don't think the repercussions will be a problem, give that a try. I wonder what she would say if you responded with, "Gee, you think I'm too sensitive, and yet you keep saying things that are obviously hurtful. From this I conclude that either you take a long time to learn the obvious, or you go out of your way to hurt others. Which is it?"

Doubtless she would back and fill, and try to put it all on you. People will tell you that someone else can't make you feel bad without your permission, but I think it's a bit more complicated than that. When people figure out what buttons to push, and when they enjoy pushing those buttons, there's something seriously wrong with THEM. But if you can find a way to not care what others say--that is, take away the buttons--you'll probably be happier in the long run. Easier said than done--there can be a steep learning curve for this. Like, years. Which does you no good now (I didn't have that skill at your age--far from it). But keep working at it for the future.

It looks like you live with your mother. If so, I hope you can find a terrific job (no skirts or dresses) that enables you to move out so you can live your life on your own terms. That ought to dull her fangs a little.

I have tried to come out to her a couple times, but she usually cuts me off before I get the chance to really say it. I have a feeling she probably knows but doesn't want to accept it. The problem is I came out to her 5 years ago as a lesbian when I was still confused about myself. So every time I try to talk to her about trans stuff she says things like "Why do people need to change their bodies? They can just stay gay. There are women that get their breasts removed because of cancer, why would someone do that if they're healthy?"

I really regret telling her I'm gay because she doesn't understand that gender and sexual orientation are separate things. She thinks I want to get surgery to be straight, but that's not the reason at all. I tried explaining the whole male in a female's body thing but she just scoffs.

I guess if I try seeing it through her eyes, she probably thinks nagging me will 'fix' me or discourage me from being too masculine. She might not realize how much it gets to me, and thinks she's trying to 'help' me. But, I've asked her to stop and she continues nonetheless so it feels like she just does it for kicks.

I'm definitely going to try to throw the "You're so sensitive" back at her the next time I get the chance; it might throw her off and make her stop. Otherwise I'll just "take away the buttons" like you said, and if I can find a job that pays well enough for me to live on my own and go to college I'm definitely moving out.