I have no whgere else to vent this stuff, so ill bring it out here. I am the type of person that analyzes everything all the time. Being this way has definitely helped me through the years, specifically through self improvement. I realized that one of the ways I deal with my fears and nervousness associated with going places and being around people i dont know is to find flaws in those people around me. Now I NEVER speak these thoughts and I realize that the only reason I do it is to get over certain fears I have. ANd I think that that is wrong.... You see, I have realized that I expect negativity from EVERYONE, so i think that i kind of pump myself up mentally by doind that. I guess what I am trying to say, is that I dont want to be that way. ANd I dont think that just trying to stop these thoughts from entering  my head is the solution. I hope that there is some part of myself that I need to explore, I just dont know what....MAke sense? I also notice that when I look good I feel good, and when I look like crap, I feel like crap.....

I want to tell you one thing that I am aware of, something I NEVER let others see if I can help it and I certainly dont admit it; I am so scared of life, the neighborhood i live in. People have told me that I am stuck up, full of myself and think that I am better than others, not true. Quite the contrary. I am just so afraid.  I think that it comes from the fact that i grew up in a small town in Idaho, and this is the big city-Los Angeles and its soooooo different. I dont know if I was able to clearly articulate my thoughts, but I am glad that I at least owned it........

Wow just when you get somewhat comfortable in life and think you got the hang of it, EVERYTHING changes and makes you really wonder..

Good night all   

At the risk of being regarded as another interfering old bag, it sounds like you are fairly normal actually.  Most people have a fair number of fears, phobias and neuroses following them around, and from what I have heard LA is a place where there are a lot of the population have them floating around. 

I have found that a smile and a hello are all that are needed in a lot of cases to change the way I feel about someone.   Maybe just be a typical happy small-town girl having a good time in the big smoke, is the way to go.

Hugs sis, Sandra.

Quote from: superkitty036 on October 03, 2010, 05:47:29 AM
I have no whgere else to vent this stuff, so ill bring it out here. I am the type of person that analyzes everything all the time. Being this way has definitely helped me through the years, specifically through self improvement. I realized that one of the ways I deal with my fears and nervousness associated with going places and being around people i dont know is to find flaws in those people around me. Now I NEVER speak these thoughts and I realize that the only reason I do it is to get over certain fears I have. ANd I think that that is wrong.... You see, I have realized that I expect negativity from EVERYONE, so i think that i kind of pump myself up mentally by doind that. I guess what I am trying to say, is that I dont want to be that way. ANd I dont think that just trying to stop these thoughts from entering  my head is the solution. I hope that there is some part of myself that I need to explore, I just dont know what....MAke sense? I also notice that when I look good I feel good, and when I look like crap, I feel like crap.....

I want to tell you one thing that I am aware of, something I NEVER let others see if I can help it and I certainly dont admit it; I am so scared of life, the neighborhood i live in. People have told me that I am stuck up, full of myself and think that I am better than others, not true. Quite the contrary. I am just so afraid.  I think that it comes from the fact that i grew up in a small town in Idaho, and this is the big city-Los Angeles and its soooooo different. I dont know if I was able to clearly articulate my thoughts, but I am glad that I at least owned it........

Wow just when you get somewhat comfortable in life and think you got the hang of it, EVERYTHING changes and makes you really wonder..

Good night all   

Hi there, I feel for you. I read many, many years ago that 95% of the things we worry about don't really exist. I was the biggest worrier and self critic around. During my transition I was determined to ditch those thought's and begin this new life of mine. The problem with our thought's is that they have followed us and made us what we are today. They play in our heads the same tune over and over again. The old thought's about ourselves accumulated from past experiences, often the bad ones, are then simulated onto the present and the our thought's remain the same.

Now I can't give counselling here but only my experience, I gradually changed the thought processes of the past, if you like, a bit like listening to a new CD instead of an old scratched one. Ditching the negative thought patterns and embracing the positive one's. Ask yourself of that thought, "is it true?" it may be, but can you change, "is it true?" no, then ditch it, etc, etc.

Now I am still my own worst critic, particularly about my face, believe it or not. I still have a way to go but I have learned to change what I think of myself for my own good and no one elses.

I don't know if I am making sense here but I hope so.

Stardust   

I've lived in LA and other big cities; now I live in a small town.  Here, I can nod or say hello to almost everyone I meet.  In a big city you can't do that – there are just too many people.

Where do you carry your defenses?  Where are the force shields?  If you carry them on the outside, it is very difficult to get to know anyone.  If you can carry them farther inside, then perhaps the outer layer can get hurt but not you, inside.  What I'm trying to say is be a little more open.  You don't have to open up completely, but let people see a little more of you and perhaps they will show you a little more of them and you will like each other.

In my experience, most people are nice.  People will often respond to your expectations, so if you think they are scum, they will be scum – at least to you.  If you think they are probably nice, perhaps they will open up a little and be nice at least to you. 

Be a little friendly.  Say something nice to the clerk at the store or someone you see regularly on the street.  Maybe just comment on the weather.  Sometimes flowers bloom in the cracks in the walls. 

- Kate

I don't know if this helps or not.  I also expect negativity from everyone. Grew up in a relatively small town, knew everyone.  I live in a big city now.  I require alcohol to get me into a new group which tends not to give a good impression.  Or else I am a wallflower until a very, very long period of acclimation.  I believe it stems from being trans in a fundamentalist Baptist environment (Florida), prior social rejections over ->-bleeped-<-, as well as a long suppressed memory of a violent sexual attack when I was 13 causing Post Traumatic Stress that had never been dealt with.  I was diagnosed with SAD, social anxiety disorder, and GAD, General Anxiety Disorder. .  I have suffered mild agoraphobia which is when you can get out of bed, just not out the door to the outside.  All tend to be caused by long term, self imposed limits on social interactions and over analysing everything These are actually pretty common for us. Untreated it can turn into depression.  From your missive I get a sense that it is more than just that "BIG CITY" lost feeling, but something deeper.  Tell if I'm reading it wrong.  What I have isn't just a "buck up trooper" kind of thing, it took antidepressants and therapy to get out of it.  I am still not very positive about people.  Sort of an "I'm OK, your SOSO" kind of a thing.  You never let go of your emotions, so no one can see the real you.  Others perceive it as being stuck up.  If this is you, shrinks can help and give you direction.  Sorry if this seems a bit jumbled-or am I just over analyzing it again?

 Superkitty   

       I feel the same as you. I live part time in Los Angeles and part time in a small town in Oregon. When I am in LA , I would feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up. My smile turn to a glare. I would get all hunched over when I walk down the street. I came across as rude or down right  mean. Like you I just felt scared and nervous to be there. I've been working on it though. I really try to smile especially to those people that make me nervous.  I am surprised how well it works. 

     Living in a small town has it's own set of problems, as well. My wife and I had a bit of trouble two weeks ago on the street in Oregon with some small town homophobes.

     It seems as though we all have these demons we must deal with. No matter where we are. I was glad to see the post and all the nice responces, because I have the same problem to deal with at times. I especially found Kate's response very encouraging. (thanks Kate)

   Big Hugs, Erocse

Quote from: erocse on October 03, 2010, 08:35:59 PM
Superkitty   

I really try to smile especially to those people that make me nervous.  I am surprised how well it works. 

In general I would have to agree with you about using the power of a beautiful smile.  But I live in Westlake MacArthur park area and if you know anything about this area you KNOW it is crawling with bangers, especially on the side streets and it is area like that that I personally feel as if a smile would definitely be taken as disrespect and the situation could get ugly. I love all people, i really do, but in my neighborhood, I am like one of the only whites, and i dont speak spanish, so I cant communicate even if I wanted.....this makes me feel caged. I am a very outgoing person, butcant be where I live

  Your right sometimes you just can't do anything about it. I was near your area a couple days ago. I noticed a lady at the bus stop. She really looked down on her luck. As I passed her , she looked at me so I thought I would try my best to give her my best smile. She in turn gave a glare and started cussing at me. Saying stuff like What he F___ are you staring at Bi___?

     Some people? And you live right in the middle of it. I feel for you.
  Hugs, Erocse

Quote from: erocse on October 03, 2010, 09:24:07 PM


     Some people? And you live right in the middle of it. I feel for you.
  Hugs, Erocse

Yeah its nbot the best, but what I try to do is remain thankful that I do have a place of my own to live. I try to not complain when I remember that there are others who have it worse than I..

But I thank you. I really do. And it is not going to last forever

   I feel for you.  I know what you are going through for the most part.  I have been running scared all my life.  Always sccared what my family would say.  Scared what the friends and co workers would think.  Always expecting something to go wrong.  Expecting negative commentsfrom most people.  A lot of times I did get negative comments.  But I have turned myself into a paranoid, angst ridden, scared person.  I have been working with a therapist and I can see myself improving some, but, still have a long ways to go. 

Then, again- It is hard to fly with the eagles when one works with a bunch of turkeys. 

Superkitty, take care of yourself first.  Years ago in Phoenix I had a friend who was from inner-city Cleveland.  He said he had the hardest time living in Phoenix because people would smile to each other.  Where he was from, a smile was a challenge, so he was always on edge.  It sounds like that's the kind of place you live, too.  In that case, it is much harder to connect, but there will be people like you there, too.  All I can say is to try not to internalize others' anger and anguish.

Good luck.  Keep yourself safe.

- Kate