I was curious if any of you ladies have gone through this. When I first figured out I was trans I would dress in secret, now I dress with my wife. Both times after a while I get discouraged about how I look and just stop dressing, stop acting girly, etc. I still wish I had a female.body but i stop acting on it. It's almost like i revert to being in the closet. Then after a short ill dress again for a while and repeat.

I am hoping therapy will help but that won't start for at least another month.

I would say yes.   I most certainly have gone through this in the past.   Only I would get discouraged and purge (throw everything away) out of frustration.   Then I'd have to start over again.

That's, by the way, is crazy expensive ... don't do it!

I think it's a sign of the struggle we have with our identity, not knowing where we fit into the world.   Eventually I managed to learn to accept my femininity and stopped purging my stuff, but up until about 2 years ago, after I started living as a woman everywhere but work, I stopped feeling this way all together.

I still get frustrated with the way clothes fit me and the way my body looks, but I no longer have any thoughts of trying to be masculine to compensate for that frustration.

Yes I have done the purge a couple of times.  The last time was about 20-25 years ago.  I lived and work as a male all that time.  But GID has a way of coming back and kicking your butt hard.

Now I am 2 years full time, 1 year about post-orchie, and 29 months HRT.  This time I am not going to purge.  I did that when I went full time, with all the male clothes I had.

I dressed occasionally as a teenager (mom's clothes), but never got up the nerve to get my own.  I even had my own apartment for a while when I was 20, but even then it never crossed my mind - I think I was thinking I was gay at that point.  Then I got married at 23, and after a bit of struggle (including a suicide attempt) I just went into flat-out denial.  So now, having come out to my wife last June, I'm at the point where I live to dress, and dress to live.  However, I can't yet dress in front of my wife - it would freak her out.  She doesn't even know my name.  So I dress at therapy, and at the support group, or when I'm visiting with friends, so my opportunities are rather limited at the moment.  Next week I start a once-a-week workshop, and I will then get to dress every week, and I'll be out in public (in a nearby large city) then also.  And each time I have to change back, my need to dress grows.  Some days it's all I can do to get through the day, the dysphoria is so bad.  No, I don't see getting discouraged or wanting to stop dressing, even for a while.  I think I'm going to need to go full time before too many more months go by.

Thanks for the replies ladies. I'm relieved to see this issomewhat of a normal dilemma. I do agree, I do feel odd about who I am and my.place in this world. I never have fit in with any circle. More like one super friendship with fleeting friends. I wish my therapy would start sooner but I have to wait for orientation to finish paperwork and hope a therapist accepts my case. I. was was kinda surprised they would offer tg therapy.

Here's to them hurrying up. lol.

Quote from: JessicaG on October 04, 2010, 06:00:08 PM... but I have to wait for orientation to finish paperwork and hope a therapist accepts my case. I. was was kinda surprised they would offer tg therapy.

Why surprised?  And who's "they"?  Just curious...

I went through this cycle, too.  I think I would get discouraged because bottom line I wanted to be a woman rather than just play at being one.

I think therapy will help you.  This whole gender thing is complicated, or it was for me until I finally got it sorted out.

- Kate

I went through these cycles for several years... Not the dressing with my (X)wife part, but the dressing in secret then giving up on it only to do it again later

I'd get up a collection of stuff I liked to dress in, get discouraged or something else would happen and I'd throw it all out

I would always miss some of the stuff I threw out and after awhile I'd gather up another collection of stuff

Well I'm tired of that silly game and plan on keeping a good percent of the stuff I have now

Of coarse I'll clear out and upgrade parts of my wardrobe as necessary

Colleen: They is the Cherokee Nation. They are my only form of health care.

Oh, sorry - I think I knew that... I'll try to remember next time.

Pft....don't be sorry. Lol. I ask people things a million times and at work lose my tools several times a day.

One small thing that I could read as hopeful, tho:  Last evening my wife saw a colorful beaded bracelet on the kitchen counter, and asked me "Whose is that?"  Now, we have two sons and a daughter, and if it isn't my wife's, chances are it's going to be our daughter's.  I don't know for sure if she wondered if it could be mine, or if she might have thought it could be one of our sons' girlfriends' - probably the latter, I guess.  Still, it was kind of an interesting moment.  Of course, she'd have to know if it was MINE, it wouldn't be laying out on the counter, lol...

It's sort of the unfortunate nature of the dysphoria. Not that the dysphoria has any good qualities. But the way I feel, and the way I look do not match up. Who I am on the outside doesn't match who I am inside. And it sort of hurts at times. And it will shoot me down, and I'll end up feeling completely non-girly. But rather than get disheartened, I am making huuuge strides to fix the problems. I'll save that discussion for another thread.

Luckily I also have some good friends who can help cheer me up.

Quote from: K8 on October 04, 2010, 06:58:48 PM
I went through this cycle, too.  I think I would get discouraged because bottom line I wanted to be a woman rather than just play at being one.

I think therapy will help you.  This whole gender thing is complicated, or it was for me until I finally got it sorted out.

- Kate

Yes, I agree.  With me, dressing consisted of using accessories and rarely clothing.  I had lots of accessories ... purged them ... bought more ... purged them ... bought more.  I understand that these buy-and-purge cycles are a telltale sign of being trans.  At least, that's what I've often read.  Like Kate, I wanted to BE female and not act the part. 

As I write this, I'm breaking in a brand new pair of cute-as-heck Canyon River Blues Boca clogs, and I love 'em!   

I went out in public fully en femme for the first time this past Sunday, am now 10+ months on hormone replacement therapy and am now buying, AND KEEPING, my female wardrobe.  Gonna need it.  Will I purge?  Yep!   The guy stuff!

For me, at this moment in time, cross-dressing is my conduit to myself.  I've spent most of my life firmly repressing myself, so for now, I don't know any other way to access those areas.  Dressing is my "key to the kingdom".  I'm sure as time goes on and I get more experience, and particularly as I learn more about just WHO Colleen is, I'll be able to integrate more of both sides of myself and be able to be Colleen no matter how I'm dressed, but for now, dressing is all!

Quote from: Colleen Ireland on October 07, 2010, 06:29:13 AM
For me, at this moment in time, cross-dressing is my conduit to myself.  I've spent most of my life firmly repressing myself, so for now, I don't know any other way to access those areas.  Dressing is my "key to the kingdom".  I'm sure as time goes on and I get more experience, and particularly as I learn more about just WHO Colleen is, I'll be able to integrate more of both sides of myself and be able to be Colleen no matter how I'm dressed, but for now, dressing is all!

I think that we need to dress (and perhaps overact sometimes) to express that part of ourselves that we repressed for so many years.  It is so liberating to be able to let that girl out finally.  As we get used to being free, we gradually settle down into some kind of balance, living as ourselves with parts of our old selves integrated into the new.  But it's a long process.  Just be gentle with yourself as you ride the roller-coaster of escape into the promised land.

- Kate