I am feeling well today, but I was horrible yesterday. Anyway, I don't have anything to ask with this post, I just feel like talking... my therapist is only next week, I have a huge uni exam tommorow and so all my friends are studying.

Sometimes being in a male body hits me really really bad with depression. I look at the mirror and, though of course I regonize myself, I know I am not myself. After this, I usually get philosophical and go thinking things like "why, really -why- is this happening?" and "If this is not myself, and I hate what I am looking at, why do my friends give me incentive towards being a male, considering they are friends in the first place"

Then I go to the shower and it's when it gets bad. It can and has been traumatic for me, because I keep looking down at breasts that don't exist and sometimes I try to find a vagina that, of course, doesn't either. I remember when I was a teen I got erections fairly easily at shower and they were horrible, and sometimes I'd just not shower because I would rather be filthy than face myself. Now, I stay at the shower, sometimes I try to pull my pectorals together to create some cleavage but, of course, its all a depression trip that I get into and it's hard to pull myself out of.

If I am shaving, sometimes I shave frantically wishing to rip my own skin, and the facial hair, off. So at this point I gather all the willpower I have and shut the psychologic struggle off, finishing my shower right there. I already managed to damage myself at this point though, so I feel a strong urge to start crying and letting it out. I can't cry however, even if I really try to force the tears out. I feel extremely anxious, my heart beats so fast it looks like I will have an ischemic event, my palms begin sweating and my air is cut out, I begin breathing like someone who's having an asthma attack.

It fades away on its own, and I go to my living room and think about what happened, what is happening and what I must do. The perspective that someday my body will match my mind is soothing, but right now my reality has not been fleeting.

What I must do now is get back to my books or I will not pass the exam.

You go seek a therapist....

That has a good understanding of TG issues...

And you join a real physical group to meet other at the same point as you....

Then you figure out your not the 'only person that has had to deal with this.....

And if lucky you get to find a way through....

Good luck....

Quote from: Maiara on October 06, 2010, 12:42:59 PM
I am feeling well today, but I was horrible yesterday. Anyway, I don't have anything to ask with this post, I just feel like talking... my therapist is only next week, I have a huge uni exam tommorow and so all my friends are studying.

Sometimes being in a male body hits me really really bad with depression. I look at the mirror and, though of course I regonize myself, I know I am not myself. After this, I usually get philosophical and go thinking things like "why, really -why- is this happening?" and "If this is not myself, and I hate what I am looking at, why do my friends give me incentive towards being a male, considering they are friends in the first place"

Then I go to the shower and it's when it gets bad. It can and has been traumatic for me, because I keep looking down at breasts that don't exist and sometimes I try to find a vagina that, of course, doesn't either. I remember when I was a teen I got erections fairly easily at shower and they were horrible, and sometimes I'd just not shower because I would rather be filthy than face myself. Now, I stay at the shower, sometimes I try to pull my pectorals together to create some cleavage but, of course, its all a depression trip that I get into and it's hard to pull myself out of.

If I am shaving, sometimes I shave frantically wishing to rip my own skin, and the facial hair, off. So at this point I gather all the willpower I have and shut the psychologic struggle off, finishing my shower right there. I already managed to damage myself at this point though, so I feel a strong urge to start crying and letting it out. I can't cry however, even if I really try to force the tears out. I feel extremely anxious, my heart beats so fast it looks like I will have an ischemic event, my palms begin sweating and my air is cut out, I begin breathing like someone who's having an asthma attack.

It fades away on its own, and I go to my living room and think about what happened, what is happening and what I must do. The perspective that someday my body will match my mind is soothing, but right now my reality has not been fleeting.

What I must do now is get back to my books or I will not pass the exam.

Heh, welcome to being TS.  I was the same way, i dont know how many times i cried in the shower, but i will say this, once the HRT starts working and things start happening the longer it goes the easier it becomes, you look down and you do see breasts, eventually hips, butt, curves, only reminder that remains is whats between your legs, and after surgery even that goes away.  Then you are in the shower to just take a shower, and when you get out, you look in the mirror and see a girl staring back. 

I am only on HRT 1.9yrs.  It was not until this last week i have looked at myself and my body and found it hard to find anything male about it.  Even I, who was really critical of my appearance no matter what people tell me, am starting to feel good about how i look.  So in time, i am sure you will to.  Go see a therapist and take it at your own pace, its a long road, and a difficult road, but its worth it.

Maiara

For me, gender dysphoria tends to get worse when under stress like exams.  Others have reported the same.  Probably not a universal feature though.

I go on SECOND LIFE and get on Susans, and rant all night, till I listen to my music and go to sleep.


There's a tg place there, called the "TG RESOURCE CENTER", and like usually 3-6 people on there, if not, wait 10-15 minutes they show up.

Then rant rant rant, rant and rant.
I choose this option if I need a communication, and not a forum thing.

My therapist had an interesting suggestion yesterday when I was telling her how bad it gets sometimes.  She said "How about if you think of yourself as 'Colleen in drag' when presenting as male?"  Interesting idea, but so far it doesn't get me very far.  Thing is, think of how a normal person would feel if dressed up as the opposite sex and told to interact in public.  They'd feel downright uncomfortable, wouldn't they?  Well, I think that's a pretty good description of dysphoria - I'm dressed up as male, and forced to interact with the world that way.  But there it is for what it's worth.  Today wasn't as bad as yesterday.

Quote from: Colleen Ireland on October 06, 2010, 05:24:39 PM
My therapist had an interesting suggestion yesterday when I was telling her how bad it gets sometimes.  She said "How about if you think of yourself as 'Colleen in drag' when presenting as male?"  Interesting idea, but so far it doesn't get me very far.  Thing is, think of how a normal person would feel if dressed up as the opposite sex and told to interact in public.  They'd feel downright uncomfortable, wouldn't they?  Well, I think that's a pretty good description of dysphoria - I'm dressed up as male, and forced to interact with the world that way.  But there it is for what it's worth.  Today wasn't as bad as yesterday.

I like that idea, Colleen.. I had to go out yesterday in full guy mode, something I haven't done in months and it left me feeling like death.. Next time I need to do it again, I might try looking at it as Kelly in drag and see if it makes me feel any better about it..

Quote from: Colleen Ireland on October 06, 2010, 05:24:39 PM
My therapist had an interesting suggestion yesterday when I was telling her how bad it gets sometimes.  She said "How about if you think of yourself as 'Colleen in drag' when presenting as male?"

I thought it was "in drab".  Presenting male is like living in black-and-white, while real life is in full, vivid color.

- Kate

Quote from: K8 on October 06, 2010, 07:45:44 PM
I thought it was "in drab".  Presenting male is like living in black-and-white, while real life is in full, vivid color.

Yes, I like that expression, too - it seems completely appropriate.  Of course DRAG = "DRessed As a Girl", so DRAB = "DRessed As a Boy", but it also seems descriptive.  I just know that when I'm dressed, I feel happy, alert, sociable, in short "Right", and Fully Me.  When I'm not dressed, as you say, it's just a black-and-white existence.   

Quote from: Colleen Ireland on October 06, 2010, 07:50:48 PM
Yes, I like that expression, too - it seems completely appropriate.  Of course DRAG = "DRessed As a Girl", so DRAB = "DRessed As a Boy", but it also seems descriptive.  I just know that when I'm dressed, I feel happy, alert, sociable, in short "Right", and Fully Me.  When I'm not dressed, as you say, it's just a black-and-white existence.

lol never thought of drag/drab that way as acronyms.

drab to me is all that clothes you have in your closet that doesn't match fashionably at the moment...  doesn't matter if it's girl or boy stuff

Quote from: Colleen Ireland on October 06, 2010, 05:24:39 PM
My therapist had an interesting suggestion yesterday when I was telling her how bad it gets sometimes.  She said "How about if you think of yourself as 'Colleen in drag' when presenting as male?"  Interesting idea, but so far it doesn't get me very far.  Thing is, think of how a normal person would feel if dressed up as the opposite sex and told to interact in public.  They'd feel downright uncomfortable, wouldn't they?  Well, I think that's a pretty good description of dysphoria - I'm dressed up as male, and forced to interact with the world that way.  But there it is for what it's worth.  Today wasn't as bad as yesterday.

That's a good idea. I kind of think of it as acting practice, except the curtain never closes

 I think it does get worse when you are under stress. But I'm getting up and doing it, makes it less stressful.
Every step is a step.

Cindy

I don't experience Gender Dysphoria and depression very much (at least to the extreme) but a few days ago that changed. I was under a bit of stress at work and my boss accidentally referred to me as 'he'. I have known him for 6 years and totally understand he will make mistakes and don't hold any grudges whatsoever against him for that. However, all of a sudden I saw 'man hands', man mannerisms, man legs, male voice (even though I have never worked on my voice it never hit me like this) and I sunk into a deep depression. Luckily I am a bit resilient and am now coming out of it.

All hope had totally drained from me and I didn't care about anything. It was horrific!!!!!! Must get myself back to my usual happy self.

I know what you mean, Dana.  I will be happy as a little clam and something will happen that reminds me that I lived male for so long, usually something involving my looks.  Fortunately I have quite a few friends to whom I can complain about it and they all dismiss my fears as unfounded.  (I don't know if they are telling me the truth or are just being sweet and supportive, but it doesn't matter.  )

My GID would hit me hardest when I was under stress.  I would retreat to cross-dressing in tough times, which made no sense to me since life would be even more stressful if I was discovered (or so I thought ).  As life settled down, my GID and need to dress would fade into the background again.

- Kate

So I did the exam lol

The exam was tough like a ex-boxing champion on the rematch to get the belt back. 53 questions, 16 pages, and crafted carefully for you to fail. Doing med school is a mental disorder itself 

So, I shut off my feelings to be able to study but they hit me really hard afterwards. I am feeling better today... I am getting a full body wax tommorow and I think it will have me feel better for a few days.

Quote from: Dee_pntx on October 07, 2010, 12:56:34 PM
My parents PISS ME OFF soooo much, so often!

I have been full time almost two years now.
NO ONE ever, ever gets my gender wrong anymore.

Except my parents.

They do it to me in public.  They will call me "David" and use male pronouns in public, when speaking to people like waiters in restaurants and such.

I had gotten past that BS of people calling me "sir" back in 2008.  Back when people would occasionally call me sir, I would get extremely depressed and suicidal.  I FINALLY got over that and I thought I was long past that.

Until I had to start going out in public with my parents.
They are driving me around to therapy, to my doctors, to my boob job and in a few months, with me to my SRS.

When they pull that BS it depresses me, badly.  It's like I'm being throw back 2-3 years.  All my progress is trashed and trampled in a matter of seconds.

It's humiliating to say the least.  They know better but they do it time and time again.
The reasons I am riding around with them are that I have narcolepsy and can't drive long distances and two, they are totally financing all of this.  Therapy, boob job and SRS.  I didn't ask them too, they offered to pay for it all so I said yes.

It's free in a way but I still pay for it by having to suffer all the BS embarrassment and humiliation they inflict upon me.

I'll be so glad when this is all over so I never have to go anywhere in public with them ever again...   

Heh, took me a year to get my mom to use gender neutral terms.  She doesnt refer to me as male, but i think she is struggling with saying HER so she uses gender neutral terms that could work for both sexes, its ok, she needs time, but she's trying.  My father, he just calls me HE all the time, he, stubborn old man.  It took a while with my mom, it will probably take just as long with my dad, but he did say he loved me, and even he could see how much happier i was and how much more natural i looked as a woman rather then a man, i think at that point he just accepted it, but before he said he wanted nothing to do with me, but later changed his mind, heh, thats the way he is.