[forgive me for posting this here, but the 'post-op' subforum seems to be for immediate post-operative concerns, besides it seems like it would be best to post it here where more could see.]

I have a question for people who transitioned long ago (1+ years), are you still saddled with the apathy and guilt fueled depression. Not-Regret! mind you but just shellshocked from what life had thrown at you? I would also love to hear about more recent transitioners or pre transitioners if they have given it some thought.

I'm almost 2 years post op and completed a long drawn out grey transition it feels like eons ago but I'm still living with the cost to this day. Not once in my entire life have I regretted any of my actions in regards to transition, but the emotional strain and money cost me a highschool degree, college degree and foothold on my future. It wasn't a matter of energy, difficulty or anything... I simply did not have the emotional strength or shielding some have to still be super accomplishers pre/during transition. All my effort was devoted into savings and keeping suicidal thoughts at bay.

And thats the thing, I really don't give a ->-bleeped-<-. Now post transition I still get hormonal but I'm no longer depressed. I have a longtime live in boyfriend who I know loves me with every fiber in his being and my surgery turned out as good as I could hope. Careers, aspirations of accomplishment, I could give a ->-bleeped-<- because I seriously feel like someone who has lived their dreams and is content to drift on till kingdom come. But I feel guilt from this, my parents instilled it into me as many first born males that I was to conquer the world or die a failure. Also the one thing I want is to raise some kids, but I do not have the money necessary to be approved to adopt and every time I gear up to become the superhuman adopters must be, stress slaps me with that "i've been through enough BS for one lifetime" feeling. Kids I guess are not for me because of that.


What should one do, because when I really think deep down inside its others people expectations making me unhappy, I do not feel empty and with time I feel more and more alive. Perhaps I'll blossom years from now, or perhaps I'll just live my life out as it is. I'm just as content with either. 

I actually suspect its just 'life' apathy....

Rather than something specific to being a gal with a TG past?

And as you have so much that is positive going on....I'd savour that.....lol

I dare say if you were born in the middle-ages then life would have been a whole lot more grim indeed....

Anyone's life simply comes down in the end to what the 'do'......

Not what the procrastinate about...... (simples)....

Quote from: Cruelladeville on October 09, 2010, 04:15:28 AM
I actually suspect its just 'life' apathy....

Rather than something specific to being a gal with a TG past?

I agree with Cruelladeville i left school with no qualifications, couldnt hold a job down because of the GD and after transition 23 years ago when i was 24 i lost all the feelings of depression and became content with life. I driffted along doing not much at all. Looking back it felt like id finished some big long race and wanted to rest but felt like id got to the end and didnt have a goal after but was happy to just wander on and be happy.
I did feel like i should be doing something more with my life but had got to where i wanted to be, living with my boyfriend who i meet 2 month after transition and enjoying been as housewife. Then 8 years in had a burning desire to make something more of my life. I got intrested in desktop publishing as a hobby and this grew into a printing bussiness which only lasted 3 years but was fun and gave me confidence in myself to go out into the big wide world and get a real job.
After doing agency work for a short time my last agency job was working in a warehouse which i realy enjoyed the people were fun to work with and i ended up with a full time job which after one year i applied for an internal vacancy as a IT hardware engineer with a company car and decent wage.
What i would say is just enjoy what you have for now you have put a lot of effort into getting this far have an emotional rest you will know when your ready to move on and you dont owe anyone anything in this life and parents are pleased just to see us happy and in a stable life.

Look at what you have and love it 

OUCH!

BOTH the original post and reply by Cruella could have been written about me at times in the past. 

To answer the question though, 26 years on from SRS, no I am not saddled by any apathy, guilt, or shell shocked in any way, but it did take me some while to understand what I really wanted from my postop life.

I did get the adoption blues though... That is a really tough one to crack - because if you pursue it they will rake over all the coals of your transition... AND you will have to take the risk that they only need to find ONE person who is prepared to lie, because they didn't approve of your transition, and say that they don't believe you are suitable to be a parent, and you will find that you face a huge struggle to get approved. I'm not saying it can't be done... but it is tough.

In the end fate presented us with a nice compromise though when the son of a friend kind of went off the rails in his teens and we began to unofficially foster him at times to give his mother a breathing space. Gradually those fostering periods became longer until twelve years on (now an adult) he lives with us and considers us as his second parents.

And yes - I am the firstborn of Upper Middle class parents. Privately educated, drummed into me from the year dot that i belonged to the class who were born to rule, or at very least born to marry and bear the children of those who rule! (Niether of which I was properly equipped to do)

And yes - I still am WAY too good at procrastination, otherwise I would be writing now and not dawdling on here. 

So:

You need to be kind to yourself!

You to spend time figuring out what YOU really want from your life.

You need to believe that it really is what YOU want that matters and not what anyone else thinks.

Then you need to give yourself permission  to focus on getting it.

Danacee

I also had no qualifications when I left school, though my reasons and the outcome were a little different.

It's great that you've achieved your goal in that respect.

But take some advice and get back to education.

"Be prepared to lose everything. That doesn't mean you will, only that you should be prepared.  Only when you are, are you truly ready to transition."

That's what my therapist told me in our first session, almost six years ago.  And she was right.

It can be shocking when you see people who you thought loved you unconditionally walk out of your life.  Or people who you gave your life to forget all you did for them, call you selfish and turn cruel.  There are times you feel like "maybe I've gone stark raving mad!"

We are in people's lives because we are giving them what they want.  As soon as we stop doing that, things change.  Depending on what they need from you and how your transition affects that, they will act accordingly.  And that ranges from empathy to hatred.  For some of us, we can experience PTSD as a result of their reaction.  I honestly believe few people can endure what society puts us through when we transition.  It can be brutal, heartless, cruel and inhuman.

So, depending on what is thrown at us, it's perfectly understandable we might be reeling for quite some time.  The only thing we can do is get our minds healthy.  I've always been one to read positive mental attitude type of books, especially when I'm down.  That gets my mind back on track.  We can't change the world or how people act.  We can only change how we process that if we want to make it better.

Thank you all for your wonderful replies, they all help me and its always comforting to hear others speak of their thoughts on said conundrum. I have been very lucky with my family, and even my highschool friends have all approve in spades. Still had lots of fights with my mother and dad mainly because when they looked at me even when I was a kid they somehow didnt see what my kid sister, relatives...everyone else clearly saw.

I never gave up on education, like many of us I'm extremely well educated. Just don't have those papers to prove it. When we move to an area without such gouge tastic living cost I will surely be off to college. No degree is worth it to become a debt slave, specially when you have no idea what you want to do with it.