I feel ugly and miserable. All the time. But it isn't just that I feel ugly... I feel detatched from the person I see in the mirror. I don't see me at all.  I never have.
    I'm 20 years old, and an untransitioned transgender female.
I recently have a boyfriend who accepts my being transgender, seems to be 100% dedicated to me to. I should feel some happiness, right? but--- I feel nothing. I'm obsessed with my ugliness.
I live on my own, and attempting community college but overwhelmed with making rent every month school attempts are just useless right now. That also has made me quite unhappy, but it is what it is.
   I can't transition because of money issues, confidence issues, and my circumstances in general. I'm so unhappy and stressed about my ugliness that I am sick all the time. I know that I am clinically depressed and have body dysmorphic disorder which explains alot. I have attempted to get help for my BDD but I was told "since I am transgender  that I shouldn't waste my money or time because they've worked with BDD patients in the past with GID and had no luck." That was an OCD center in LA. I was willing to pay alot of money when I tried that awhile back. Since then I've been to gender therapy which lasted a few months but I ended up not going anymore. I'm still depressed and so obsessed with my ugly appearance.. i'm sick of therapist shopping, i just don't have the time or money at all anymore. Apart of me wants to break up with my amazing boyfriend because i can't seem to understand why he's with me and it is driving me insane to the point of paranoia about his motives. I don't know what todo. I'm so ashamed of being transgender.. I'm so jealous of people who aren't. I just want to die all the time. I'm constantly fantasizing about killing myself but can't seem to bring myself to do it.
In regards to this pathetic cry for some advice, what I want most in my life is too just feel some kind of happines.. or understand what it even means to be happy.  I'm watching everyone i can recall from highschool go off and chase their dreams while I sit here not only literally stuck but emotionally stuck. I want to goto art school but fear wasting my money because of my depression. I recently tried to draw something again to express how I feel and came up with this tragic scribble and stupid metaphor but otherwise I think it kind of expresses my inner feelings.  (click to enlarge)
-aaron.

You're pretty much mirroring all the thoughts I had a few years ago and up until not too long ago to be honest.  I had a heck of a time managing transition with school and timing everything appropriately.  I went through four therapists so I also feel your issues of not enjoying shopping for them all the time.  It's such a long dedication before you can really find out if they work well with you or not. 

Just try to remember one thing though, the situation that you're currently in is temporary.  I always used to tell myself "No it's not because I'm stuck with this for my whole life."  The thing is, not that I can look back on that, sure it's something you will have to live with but it doesn't have to control you and won't once you get to a certain point in your transition I feel like.  It's variable from people to people of course.  I haven't really been fulltime that long but it's a really good ease of life now.

Of course, the best things in life you always have to work the hardest at in order to achieve.  You need to recognize what's positive that you DO have going on in your life right now.  You have a boyfriend who obviously cares.  Take that as a positive aspect of your life; someone to help you and that you can talk to and also a person who is able to be close with you.  You're in school, and that's really useful because it is a necessity for the rest of your life.  You're also young, so if you decide to move forward with transition you have so much to look forward to still in life.  Just take things one day at a time and eventually everything will fall into some place with some hard work.

Try and draw out a plan of what you want in life, and then how you can achieve that.  Work towards it slowly and before you know it you'll be right at the end of your plan.  A lot of people have been where you have been right now.  So don't give up and just keep going.  PS you're a really good artist and I enjoy your drawing :]

Couple of questions:

- Have you applied for disability payments? (SSDI or similar) You may also be eligible for Medicaid or another low-income health insurance plan that can pay for therapy.

- Are you in a location where you can get treatment by informed consent? You seem confident in your TG identification and seem to have separated it from your other issues fairly neatly. Some research has found significant evidence of psychological benefits, including a lifting of both depression and dysphoria, in trans women upon administration of antiandrogens. It may not work for you but it's worth a try since nothing else is working.

- Are you in a location where you can access a sliding-scale clinic for mental health counseling? Many cities have mental health resources for uninsured low-income LGBT people.

And a comment: I think your drawing is fantastic. Often, the best creative work comes out of times of emotional pain and turmoil - which is cold comfort at the time, of course, given that when you're depressed and hating yourself you have trouble appreciating your own work. But I want to encourage you to keep drawing and using your art as an outlet and saving your work in a portfolio even if you decide not to go to school right now. Some day, when the depression lifts, you may find that some of the things you created during this time are of great value either in themselves or as an inspiration for a bigger project.

Also: You're only 20. You quite literally have your whole adult life ahead of you. It's OK to take a few years right now while you're young to straighten things out. It'll help in the long run. Trying to rush and do things you're not ready for (school in particular) can just result in crashing and burning and having to pick up the pieces years later. You don't have to operate on the same timetable as your friends.

Art school will probably do you enormous good. You will have the opportunity to completey express yourself and who you are.

That's what Art school is.

Good luck.

PS. Your drawing is amazing.

Torn,
I'm sorry for what you are going through. But (maybe it's of little consolation, but still...) you're not alone: I had your same feelings about my appearance and my face in particular around a year ago. I had this "feeling" whereas I was not seeing, feeling, moving my face, but rather a mask over which there should be my face. I was in fact terrorized because I thought my face resembled a doll's so much, I'd never be able to pass as male (which was not that true, but my mind was a distorted glass). I remember one vivid dream in which I was a porcelain doll and my face started to crumble from the edges, like in those horror movies...I like drawing as you do and made LOTS of those kind of drawings here and there.

Since then, having overcome my gender issues, I no longer feel my face as alien. I still wish it was more masculine and adult-looking, when I'm around strangers I'm perceived to be 5 years younger than I am, but I'm not complaining (too much). And about Art School, I have to differ: it actually made my issues worse than they were (there was also the fact mine was a crap school, bear in mind). It was like giving a knife to a self-harmer. I'm studying phisics now and I like it very much, a solid, no-nonsense kind of school might benefit you. Feel free to pm me anytime, I'll surely answer when I can.

I also want to add that if you hit rock bottom, and I mean, really bottom, you can not but go up. But you'll realize it when you get a little higher 

    Aaron

   Your sketch is GREAT !! I have worked with artists  now and then. A lot of times I can't understand what they are attempting to convey. Your sketch makes allot of sense. It's how we have all have felt at some point. Happiness is within your grasp, you just have to reach out and snatch it.

   Your so young. It's like you are a blank canvas and you wield the palette. Let yourself find happiness in the fact you, at twenty,you know who you are. I was one of those people you see "chasing there dream" (they're not as happy as they let on) And here I am thirty years later, trying to understand the things you already know about yourself.

    I have never seen an "ugly" transgendered person. A Person that expresses there inner most deepest feelings outwardly for the whole world to see, is a beautiful person. Self expression is a very desirable quality . Your boyfriend sees that in you. Let yourself experience the kindness he has to offer. You deserve it.

    You should pursue a career in art. Your good at it.

    Erocse
 

I am new to this site. My significant other is Erocse. I viewed your post and wanted to take the opportunity to tell you that you are definately not ugly. I cannot see behind your fingers, but you have lovely hands with graceful long fingers and young fresh skin. I can see nice eyebrows. Only a portion of your lips are visible but they reveal a nice shape. I am amazed you would think of yourself as ugly.
I admired your artwork as well. It is very good.
Wishing you good feelings and a happy life.
Mrs. Erocse

Depression is an absolute bastard, but it can be beaten.  I finally have freed myself of it after 40+ years off and on. 
From what I could see of you, you are no more ugly than the rest of us, and anyway there is always cosmetic surgery.
If you can find a therapist who can get you to be brutally honest with yourself you can make big changes, but it takes a bit of courage or sheer bloody mindedness to open up to yourself, it is worth it in the end.
Neat drawing too. 
Being here is a good step forward, I am sure from what you have posted that you can sort things out in time.

Hugs, Sandra.

My best to you.  You CAN transition ... if you want to.  Everybody here has given you great advice, especially Kyril who is wise way beyond his years.  Most of us on here felt like you do at one time or another.  Your in the right place here at Susan's.  You'll find accurate information and great people here to support you in becoming your true self.