I guess this is as good a place for this question as any. My question is: how does on cope with not transitioning despite badly wanting to?

I have told details about my situation before in other parts of this great website but seeing as I am still a newbie here I thought I would briefly give them here now. The reason I am not transitioning despite wanting to is that I have a loving partner who accepts me totally for the woman I am and is willing to stand by my side in tick and thin. She doesn't care what body parts I have or what gender presentation I give out and someone like that is few and far between. She's a real keeper. The reason she understands me so well is that she is a little gender-queer herself and has herself gone through the whole 'finding yourself phase' as regards gender and sexuality. She's identified at various times of her life as ftm, lesbian, tomboy, androgyne so she knows better than anyone else around me how it feels to be me, a woman presenting as a man.

However, it would be unfair to take all this support she gives me and not give something back in return. We both want kids and the best way to get them is to do it the old fashioned way. So I wait until the time is right to have kids and when they have come I can finally start popping those pink pills.

When I was 19 and came out to my folks as trans I was sure that I would be living as a woman by my mid-twenties. I mean, for a 19 year old, half a decade is a loooong time. However, it's true what they say, life never works out exactly as you think it would. I found the love of my life but it came at the cost of post-poning my transition.

I read about all the men and women who are getting on with their transitions and the rest of their life and I am so happy for them and I'd like nothing more than to join them but I can't right now and it makes me a little sad. (Actually, it makes me a great lot sad.) Of course, I am so grateful that I have found someone so loving and accepting. It's just that I'd love to have it all. I know, I am being greedy.

So, is there anyone here that intends to transition but can't right now despite wanting to? How do you cope with the every day? I would love suggestions and advice because it's getting to a point where I am being driven up the wall.

Not easy.

I tend to avoid synthetic drugs and operations, so that kind of speaks for itself.

Talk to people whoever they are and accept them... helps. I find it difficult here on susan's. actually. Not many sites do actually accept intersexuals... as they always seem to lean them into trans-something. The technical debate over gender and sex was really depressing. Being told how I failed this way or that way didn't help either.

Just wanted something more peaceful then having to get surgery to be a part of anything.

I'm not dead yet...

I don't plan to transition or take hormones but I am very happy as I am. My spouse knows about me and I will share with her about my being transsexual very soon. I will see a therpist in the near future.

I have felt this way for a long time and I don't feel that I need to transition in order to be happy. If you ever feel that you need to, go for it. I applaud you and support you.

Gennee   

niamh

In many ways, my own life is like yours.

One the one hand, I'm held back by an astonishingly patient and understanding wife. She is not unlike me but has a family who just wouldn't understand.

On the other, I know who I am.

I chose my wife. I have already given her my life. It's hers.

I can exprss myself, emotionally and mentally, with complete freedom to her. I have no interest in attracting anyone else.

One day, I would like to have the ugly bits removed. But she is my life. Susans' is my outlet.

That's my perspective.

I had a few years ago, a boyfriend that saw me as a lady. I never came out to him, but it was unnecessary because he saw through me. He really was a gentleman for me, and we loved each other a lot.

I think if it had worked out, I wouldn't transition. Having a person who loved me and saw me as a woman was really special, and I think I would have not taken these steps. Still, I have the feeling that if I did, he would have accepted it.

I whine mostly. Whine and never look down and pretend I look male and everyone around me is mentally retarded. Healthy? Of course not. I don't much care at this point though, it's working enough for me to function.

lots of fudgesicles


I also have someone in my life (starting our 14th year together) that I think I would rather keep then transition. She knows how I feel though doesn't fully understand because she's one of those girls that can't stand most aspects of being a female but wouldn't ever consider transition an option.

I only know how to cope on a day to day basis (those can even fail sometimes), and those skills are different for different people in my opinion (though the fudgesicle is a universal coping skill for many people).

your not alone.

I had to wait a few years due to medical constraints. I didn't cope well at all. But I knew what was coming if I just continued to take my meds and get better. I didn't lose hope.
Niamh, do you have a sort of time frame for when you can begin? Number of kids to have, etc? Sometimes that helps.

I should think that if you actually plan to transition after meeting certain goals, your coping mechanisms would be somewhat different from the set you would need if you had decided to never transition at all. So I'm with Nero. Set up goals, timetables. If you're not in therapy, think about whether it would help you at this point. Support groups might be helpful or not, depending on people's attitudes. Keep reminding yourself that you WILL transition--just not yet. Keep reminding yourself WHY you're not transitioning yet, and keep telling yourself how happy you'll be when you do. But try not to focus too much on the transition as destination; think of the whole thing as a process. Family first, transition second. You will get what you want eventually. Perhaps adopt a daily mantra that keeps you on track. Maybe meditate?

Thanks everyone for your help. Reading it all has made me feel much better! 

Quote from: Arch on October 10, 2010, 11:19:44 PM
I should think that if you actually plan to transition after meeting certain goals, your coping mechanisms would be somewhat different from the set you would need if you had decided to never transition at all. So I'm with Nero. Set up goals, timetables. If you're not in therapy, think about whether it would help you at this point. Support groups might be helpful or not, depending on people's attitudes. Keep reminding yourself that you WILL transition--just not yet. Keep reminding yourself WHY you're not transitioning yet, and keep telling yourself how happy you'll be when you do. But try not to focus too much on the transition as destination; think of the whole thing as a process. Family first, transition second. You will get what you want eventually. Perhaps adopt a daily mantra that keeps you on track. Maybe meditate?

Thanks Arch! Lot's of nice ideas and tips in there.

Quote from: Nero on October 10, 2010, 04:29:43 PM
Niamh, do you have a sort of time frame for when you can begin? Number of kids to have, etc? Sometimes that helps.

That's a good point. We plan to have our first at this time two years from now. We'd really like to have two kids and with two years inbetween that sees me starting transition at this time four years. I'll be soon 30 at that time. So yah, 4 years from now. I can make it 

Quote from: perlita85 on October 10, 2010, 04:00:58 PM
Would I do it again, I mean delay the transition, yes, yes, yes, a million yes, becaouse out our marriage 4 wonderful children exist in my life.

The idea of having a family sustains me also.

Quote from: LivingInGrey on October 10, 2010, 03:37:28 PM
your not alone.

It helps somewhat to tell myself that.

Quote from: gennee on October 09, 2010, 03:34:36 PM
I have felt this way for a long time and I don't feel that I need to transition in order to be happy. If you ever feel that you need to, go for it. I applaud you and support you.

Thanks Gennee.

I have a situation similar to yours, though I am much older.  Hormones, support from wife, and having a bit of money, keep me going.  My financial situation would change dramatically if I transition.  I do just enough to keep under the "unacceptable bar", which has gotten higher since I have been pushing on it a bit.  My personal experience with people in my ts support group is that transition turns into a disaster, at least financially.  Out of four, none kept the job they thought was theirs for over 4 months. That tends to produce bad vibes and shocks to relationships, no matter how strong they are, which then go down hill.  If I could retire with a bit extra I might attempt it.

Recently, "in transition" is how a close individual described me to another. Surprised me since I'm just being me. My smile in return was probably unexpected. 

About the same time, in a repurposed fashion technicality, I explained I have no intimates. "Remember that royal purple teddy at the thrift store we found when we looked for a... "

*blank stare*

Said to self, "maybe a picture would help." Goggle'd the phrased, and the first image popped up just fit the moment....   (I shouldn't link it yet I'll link this one...)
http://depthperception.deviantart.com/art/Twinkles-and-her-gourd-housie-70740404

Hmmm.... The words "fashion" and "technical", used together, may inspire some unbelievable localizations in non-genderized words, as already experienced by those thought such opposites exists in the social/anti-social imaginary divide. (/me makes sure to somehow reiterate this imagination somehow in chit chat).

If like me, I get overly quiet when stuck in a zombie-lala-land. An easy target, that moment, of all others, just for someone else to claim "nothing has changed." For the figure-of-speech (auditory) types that want to understand how this is coping either-way, just imagine someone described me as "possibly and very improbably loud". ("Computer, initiate diagnoses on this memory upload, especially try to recollected every perspective just to live immersed in each moment, as somebody might get curious enough. And, Computer, attempt to augment their reality to be more sensitive.")

*hugs available where appropriate*

"Life is a journey..." or maybe a told story... it sinks in eventually... pm me anytime otherwise for odd wisdom   

Another thing. Before I started HRT, I talked as if I wasn't in transition yet. My therapist corrected me and said that I had started my transition. My mind was made up, I was making certain changes in my life, my mindset was different.

So you might want to think of yourself as in transition right now. You just haven't gotten to the HRT stage yet.

Could you maybe start electrolysis, or something like that? Or have you already?

Quote from: Arch on October 11, 2010, 02:36:50 PM
Another thing. Before I started HRT, I talked as if I wasn't in transition yet. My therapist corrected me and said that I had started my transition. My mind was made up, I was making certain changes in my life, my mindset was different.

So you might want to think of yourself as in transition right now. You just haven't gotten to the HRT stage yet.

Could you maybe start electrolysis, or something like that? Or have you already?

That's an interesting take on the whole issue. We seem to be caught up on transition as a physical thing but it has psychological beginnings. Seeing it like that, I have already started and have been in transition for 5 years now. Electrolysis is on the cards. I just have to gather the money together for it. Thanks for that. Made me smile.

This remembers me of what my therapist told me.

He went and said I was too focused on the physical aspects of things, to the point that being refered to with male pronouns didn't bother me. Anyway, myself, I am not on HRT yet, I don't know when I am starting, but I am transitioning. Working on your voice is transitioning and electrolosys too.

Even learning how to dress or walk on heels is transitioning. So I think anything you do towards that goal counts, and focusing that one day you will achieve it does helps a lot.

When I have my anxiety and depression attacks I try to focus that one day this will all be different and I will be actually living. If I don't do it I go into some sort of pit that is hard to climb out of. So, just the perspective of being a woman one day is soothing for me.

I hope what I said is helpful peace.

I agree with what Maiara and Arch are saying here...

The fact that you are even considering any aspect of transition means you are in a form of transition.

Stopping the GID monster seems to be almost impossible, so coping is more common  .. we feed it scraps to keep it quiet, without ever really knowing how big it is growing in the background ... Like any good monster, the more we feed it the faster it is likely to grow until it devours us.

Finding the right balance to buy time is highly individual, and a therapist can often lend a steadying hand in the process.

Good Luck niamh



Chrissty

This feels to me more of a discrete sense into gender and sex differences among us. How many feel there are more senses than differences? Deeper look...  (consider this my long blog for the day i said i write yesterday...)

If there were more perceived differences than senses, that's just like declared overloaded.

By any kind of transition there are patterns of these differences. They may have never ended. There may have been no start.

Someone is "in between" two genders/sex.

Someone else is "among" other genders/sex.

I've noticed some habits in people where they pull out the dictionary, look up the first definition, and seem to have an attitude the dictionary is authority and everything else to argue is semantics. To take every word I've known and grew up with and to try to put them in some other non-"technical" yet beautiful, pretty, soft, delicate, subtle, calm, tropical, solid dirt words is like, like, like a constant argument with myself. We could double-entry audit the minutes that go by as any improvement made today seems the only improve needed. "Think; don't think." "Try to think 5 seconds more." There's difference! We live in a world where the words are black and white and do not seem always in color. "Think!" There is no dictionary that says "Now in color!" Or, "now in C#!" My my not so naive knowledge of the environment is an easy target to abuse, so these discrete infinitesimal differences in sense need differences to sort them, instantly. Logic instances where everything physical about them is crystallized. Works, and executes! Science of Execution 101...  1) kill; 2) "think outside the" sphere to not be killed. Wake up one day and overcome that thought to stand up and smile. We thought about this and decided among an ordinary experience. When all is possible and you know there is no mistake but what I mean by "alive", I am nothing. That finite universe we experience of an ordinary world here, there, is the only dictionary I had to know. Each age is more chance at the ordinary. There is no purpose. Maybe choose one if you get bored and know there is a reason to write... and write. Look how much they wrote in the dictionary, and they don't need them all in there with every possible combination of suffix and prefix. They could list the root words, and then list any special exceptions to how the prefixes and suffixes augments the word tenses. Student government my think they have something to say if the scientists over in the agriculture wanted a debate the English language as an object oriented environment.  Weeee, havne't done a long paragraph like this for awhile. It's here, the dictionary. Words are delineated by space. These are shorter words. Genetic DNA sequences reveal much more then 1, 2, 3, no don't have to count beyond, it wasn't instant like something from nothing. If people are alive then maybe they might choose their gender as space. Testimony of another virgin dictionary far, far, away in that down to Earth nature.

"As i will not be a master; as i will not be a slave; that's is my idea of democracy."

Wait, that's an example of an easy to make someone feel like they failed. Quickened, mental abilities should at least sense a difference. Call these abilities common sense, or maybe call them based on unique discovery, or let who is alive choose. If there are 100 years thought normal in an ordinary life, each year pi something around, then the days are your flavor. Every day, whoever says "fail" to another should fail themselves. Two wrongs make a single fail. Even undirected, then fail undirected. Maybe doesn't seem to mean anything to you this life, yet there is someone here that knows everything means something.

Even nothing.

I think that's what I consider my main gender... nothing. Like space... without the universe... no... beyond that. Whatever happened that made me look at so many perspectives about this helps others reflect on each other and somewhere in there is me. There are very weighty sense of who I am, so I find it hard to agree with being confused. Now I do get confused, like I said above, easy target. Nothing doesn't transition to something, as here is an example of a common thing. Sense of nothing. Let's not wonder who is gonna ask "how did you learn that." Been there done did.

From nothing, two paths that I like to keep some kind of meaning are the colors pink and blue. This can't simple be called useful. This is beautiful and the word useful is only +1 beautiful and beautiful words are +1!

I doubt anybody would want to make "auditory" and "visual" into genders, yet I can't deny possibilities of how this happens. This is the infinite mind with mental quickness of an instant. Only imagine the gender seen as to cure blindness or deafness. That is not cool or fashionable. I'm gonna assume there is truth that a scientist in the agricultural field does care if you think nature influenced your identity where you felt you needed as choice.

That's life as a gift, and someone ignored someone. Let's not let whatever end you need to define be the absolute end of all. Doesn't happen. What happens is this nothing thinks of something, and it happens like that to bring you into this world and out of this world. We can all do this in an ordinary way, ....

... some find that ordinary near absolute impossible. This close! "Be natural" heard. Ok, new challenge, taken, all is possible. Done. Whatever "anything" you wished from me is possible, yet don't think death or absolute destruction. Science, you can't prove life until you prove death. We don't die; I can say in this ordinary way. If you really want to prove it...

... or cope ...

... find your own will to live.

This means this much to me... virginity. The virtue of virginity is not easy to do ordinarily. This virtue is here in this infinite chaos. We know this because we found balance.

We found balance with a one time simple quest of virtue. "Can you hold onto this much for me?"

Have you ever held onto nothing? I am nothing.

Every word here positive... I'll prove it with every motherly instinct that's either just me or somehow is mine. I'm scared. Be scared. Live the moment. Those senses, and differences, are needed.

These words... from my heart. Parents get to talk life story to their kids. These stories that I have to share no body seemed there to listen. I hate these moments where truth becomes lost truth. That's my drama. Recover lost truth. This is no ordinary love. The infinite possibility there never was such biology. Somehow biotechnology would seem affected. Stupidest idea ever... breath heavily and hard if heart stops. Proven... ticks again. I know the difference between stupid and dumb. Being stupid is a cure to dumbness. Let's not get too carried away, as hard to talk around the sense of sex. Take that affect and this affect and a tree doesn't seem to let me feel so alone.

If there was no change there would be no physical existence. "Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own?" -- garbage

Quote from: spacial on October 10, 2010, 06:58:30 AM
niamh

In many ways, my own life is like yours.

One the one hand, I'm held back by an astonishingly patient and understanding wife. She is not unlike me but has a family who just wouldn't understand.

On the other, I know who I am.

I chose my wife. I have already given her my life. It's hers.

I can exprss myself, emotionally and mentally, with complete freedom to her. I have no interest in attracting anyone else.

One day, I would like to have the ugly bits removed. But she is my life. Susans' is my outlet.

That's my perspective.

This!!

Although my wife doesnt have any family besides her mum. My family would never understand.

Plus, communication is key, always ensure you both know how each other is feeling/coping.

Quote from: Chrissty on October 11, 2010, 05:12:04 PM


Good Luck niamh



Chrissty

Thanks! 

...then there's the Arch method of coping, which I don't recommend: take anything trans and anything else that bothers you and stuff it in a box. Come out of the closet partway a couple of times and then go back in. After twenty years of active repression, come thiiiis close to exploding into a million pieces. Instead, crumble into forty-two pieces and spend years putting yourself back together.

Whatever you do, my dear, try not to do anything like this. Better to be in some pain but to address that pain head-on every day.

Take care.