Hey everyone,
Over the weekend when I heard that Monday was national coming out day in the US I decided to write a letter to just about all the rest of my friends that I cared enough to tell about my transition. It was just time to tell the rest of my world and it was a great relief. The response has been all positive, at least from those who responded, which is the great majority of people. I was very, very happy to get such a good reception. The best part is that I reconnected with two very good female friends, including my best friend from college. I had forgotten how good it felt to talk to her. Having girlfriends is very important to me right now as my wife can't fill that role and any other female friends I have come across since I married are really couple friends or the wife's friends. I have found that they don't fit the bill. You can forget about my straight guy friends. They are supportive and I love them, but they have a hard time understanding and they can't help in the areas in which I need help. I have enclosed my letter below. I apologize for its length, but I was trying to be thorough.
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As some of you may know, my father passed away earlier this year and it caused me to reassess my life as it stood today and where I wanted to be in the future. My father had a great weight he was carrying at the end of his life. He often would burst into tears at the smallest thing. I often suspected he had something hidden that he would not share and I have come to find out my mother felt the same. This resonated deeply with me and only added to my grief when he passed as I knew that I also had something I never shared with him, or indeed anyone. He died never knowing the truth about why I was so sad all the time. About why I wasn't happy despite having achieved the American dream. So today, on National Coming Out Day, I have resolved to tell all of you. I am transsexual and will be transitioning to female over the next year and a half to two years.
I know this is quite shocking and sudden to some of you. The image you have of me doesn't fit what I have just told you. I also know that maybe some of you will not approve and maybe even reject me. However, one doesn't do this sort of thing without being prepared to literally lose everything. What you saw of me was what I allowed you to see since I learned from early on what was and what was not acceptable for a boy to do and say. Since around the age of 8-9 or so, I have known I was different than other boys. I was attracted to the feminine side of life and would often pray that God would change me so that one day I would wake up and be female. I didn't have words to describe these feelings and I didn't understand them. I never told anyone about them and they filled me with shame because I knew it just wasn't acceptable by society, by my religion and (I feared) friends and family. I became withdrawn and very guarded about myself. So I explained the feelings away and pushed them aside. I studied psychology to try to explain myself to myself. I tried filling my life with things. I ate too much and generally took poor care of my health in what amounted to slow suicide. I just didn't acknowledge my feelings and ignored them. I got on with my life and got married and had a child. But I couldn't ignore my issues forever and eventually they came back ever stronger. I finally reached the point where I could not go any further.
So, at this later stage of my life I am doing what I can do: acknowledge how I have felt inside and accept myself for what I am. As I mentioned earlier, this means that I will be transitioning over the next year or two. This is a long process with checkpoints that are built in to allow me to back out if I should wish. I have already crossed the first major threshold last week when I secured approval from my therapist and endocrinologist to begin hormone therapy. At some point of my own choosing in the future, I will undergo the Real Life Experience which requires me to live in the role of my chosen gender for a year before any approval for surgery would be granted. Surgery also requires a letter of approval from my therapist and a second letter from a PhD level psychologist. Along the way, there will be many, many hurdles for me to overcome from the basic things girls learn during puberty to how I will fit in society as a woman once I get to that point. Frankly, it is scary and I hope some of you will be willing to give me a helping hand or two along the way.
Please know that this is personally devastating to me and my family. I would not do this if I literally could not live like this any longer and unfortunately (my wife), (my son) and myself will all be paying a steep price. Also please know that it is not something I undertake lightly or without great consideration. In the few months since I first shared this with (my wife), she and I have cried more tears than most see in a lifetime, have spent more late night hours talking than most married couples will ever see in their marriage and have logged more therapist hours than I care to add up. However, very sadly and with great regret, this is not a journey that she will be able to take with me to the end as my wife. Recently, we have come to the conclusion that we will divorce. We still love each other and our son and will both be involved as he grows and matures, but we need to be free to find our own path to happiness in life. I cannot ask her to live a half-life with me and she cannot ask the same of me. I have faith that when all is said and done, we will end up in a better place than we would have otherwise. We pray to God that this will be the case and I hope those of you that are inclined will share in that prayer with us.
I know that this does not cover everything and that many of you will have many questions and will want to reach out to us. I ask that you keep calls to a minimum as it can get overwhelming. I will do my best to answer any email inquiries. However, I will try to cover some of the main questions I typically get below:
1. No, I am not attracted to men. Yes, I know this adds yet another layer of complication on things as that essentially means I will be transitioning to become a lesbian. I can't explain it. It is just who I am and how I feel and it is not that unusual for transsexuals. To throw another thing on the pile, it is not unheard of for MTFs (male-to-female) to go from heterosexual male to heterosexual female once they transition. Why that happens, nobody knows. There has been speculation it might be the brain chemistry changes under the influence of hormones, or that they are now free to express a long suppressed preference. I have no idea if that will happen to me. I can only tell you how I feel at present.
2. I married (my wife) because I loved her and wanted to build a life with her. We built quite a beautiful life together. I still love her and probably always will, but I can't ask her to love me back as she did before. It is not in her nature. I cannot even express how sad this makes me.
3. No, we have not told (my son) yet. Please keep that in mind when discussing this with us or other people if you wish to do that.
4. I don't know the exact timing of our separation and divorce yet, but it will not be a long drawn out process. We want to get on with our new lives.
5. Yes, I have really always had these feelings, but I didn't fully acknowledge them or get help before. All I can say is that the capacity of the human mind to deceive itself and suppress emotion is unbelievable. Especially when the cost will be everything you have ever known in life. I regret this more than I can say and can only ask forgiveness from all of you and my family for not being completely honest with you or myself.
6. I was a really good actor. I knew what was expected of me and delivered what everyone wanted to see. It was not easy and the strain manifested itself in all sorts of nervous ticks and habits from chewing my nails to eating too much to a compulsion to keep things clean and orderly. I needed control since I had parts of me that I could not control. Not surprisingly, these ticks and habits have largely gone away. I like things clean, but I haven't cleaned the house in three weeks right now. I stopped chewing my nails and I have lost nearly 20lbs. This is part of what has given me the strength to go on as I know I am on the right path. A very surprising side effect has been that my vitiligo seems to be affected. Parts of me seem to be re-pigmenting themselves in a more aggressive manner than I have ever seen. When you consider that vitiligo is the self-destruction of ones own pigment making cells and that it is greatly influenced by stress hormones in the body, it makes sense that self-acceptance has brought a change here. At least to me.
7. Yes, I know I seemed happy, but I wasn't. Many of you just saw me for a limited amount of time. Many of you saw me during particularly diverting times like trips to the movies, sports activities, dinners, vacations etc. I could forget my troubles during those times. Even then I showed stress by being too quick to anger or maybe placing way too much importance on things like winning. I am sorry if I ever hurt your feelings with my brusqueness. It was never about you. I did the best I could.
8. You will be quite surprised with how I end up looking. We all notice the transexuals who are just starting out and haven't quite mastered things yet. A great many people who transition are undetectable. Some of those I have told about me have been quite surprised to find out that they knew another MTF all along. Only conversations that were spawned because of what I am going through revealed this fact.
9. I intend to change my name to Melody Maia (pronounced Maya). I intend to go with D as a nickname, which is convenient since many of you call me that already. For those of you who are my Facebook friends, in the next few months I will be deleting (my old) profile. Please let me know if you would like me to send you a friend request from my new profile.
10. I don't know where I will live yet. It may be in Texas, it may not.
11. Yes, (my wife's) family knows as does mine. I have not blind-copied everyone on this email so that it will be obvious who I have told. Please do not tell anyone that may live, work or have contact with people in my neighborhood of XXXX, Texas. I don't intend to come out here anytime soon so as to make things easier on (my wife) and (my son). Indeed, depending on when I leave, some people here may never know. Please do not forward this email on to others. I chose each of you for a reason and I ask that you respect that.
Anyway, I am sorry about the length of this, but I do hope you read it all. This is very important to me and my family and we will be facing unique challenges in the future. I hope you can understand that and are willing to stand with us as we go on this journey. Thank you.
