So I came out to my parents like two months ago, and they told me it was fine nothing would change the fact that we are family etc but then they told me they want me to wait a year or 5 to live life and if I still wanted to do it I could etc. But I don't get why they want me to wait. I've thought about whether I'm trans or not for a few years, and as far back as I can remember I've felt female. Even when I identified as a gay guy I felt sad that I wasn't a girl. I've never been happy about being a boy. I even used to steal my sisters dresses and wear them, and my parents know about that. So I talked to them tonight to tell them I started hormones, and to see if they were ready to talk because I feel like it's something that needed to be discussed but they were not interested in anything but telling me to wait. They say I'm impulsive and that it's so expensive and they seemed to believe I won't be able to afford SRS, even in the future. So long story short, they are not happy or okay with me transitioning but they can't and won't try to stop me. They want me to wait. For whatever reason. Also my mom told me I'm not a girl and that she won't refer to me as she/her "I won't. Not right now."

I don't know what to do. I'm going to try my best to get a career set up so that I can become financially independent and move out. (I have two part time jobs that allow me to pay for hormones so far) I don't know how my relationship will be with my parents now or in the future when I move out but I can't imagine it being good. When I move away from this ->-bleeped-<-ty town I can't imagine wanting to come back and now they aren't giving me any reason to do so. I was planning on staying here for a few years, 2 or 3 but now I hope to be out of here by then! I know I have it a lot better than a lot of trans people but it really sucks living with parents who don't support you. My mom asked me if I thought about how she'd feel losing her only son etc and I said I don't feel like a son. And why should I care about how she feels when they don't care to much about how I feel about being a boy! Am I wrong for continuing hormones? I honestly feel like their reaction is giving me more motivation to move out and get laser etc. This all happened a few hours and I was such a mess when we were talking. I haven't cried that much in so long!


Anyways this is such a long thread, I'm going to end it with this; Please don't take this as an attack on my parents. I'm hoping they are just struggling with the idea and will come around eventually. Other people have had it worse with their parents, so I'm lucky. I just needed to get this out and thought I'd get some other peoples thoughts on what I should do. =/

Sometimes people just stop getting along; being family doesn't stop it from happening. If you've got to move out you've got to move out.

Quote from: Aegir on October 18, 2010, 02:11:13 AM
Sometimes people just stop getting along; being family doesn't stop it from happening. If you've got to move out you've got to move out.

That's what I'm hoping doesn't happen.

You are not wrong to continue hormones.

Keep talking,

this is going to be a struggle for them, and they don;t realise what they are asking.

Perhaps you could explain it in terms of pain. "I am living in pain and have for a long time, I don't want to be in pain anymore. I know this is hard on you, but I need your support right now" Also try sympathizing - it must be hard to lose a son. They are allowed to grieve.

Quote from: Nicky on October 18, 2010, 02:17:12 AM
You are not wrong to continue hormones.

Keep talking,

this is going to be a struggle for them, and they don;t realise what they are asking.

Perhaps you could explain it in terms of pain. "I am living in pain and have for a long time, I don't want to be in pain anymore. I know this is hard on you, but I need your support right now" Also try sympathizing - it must be hard to lose a son. They are allowed to grieve.

Thanks Nicky!! It's funny how one person can make you feel better after something like this by saying something supportive. I mean you saying I'm not wrong really helps me feel better about it. I don't feel like I am but I wasn't sure if I was just being thick headed.

I will give them more time and see how things go and maybe try to bring things up and see how they react when I tell them how I feel about it.

you're welcome!

It is a friken roller coaster an't it?

Just keep being your gorgeous self!

Quote from: Nicky on October 18, 2010, 02:44:41 AM
you're welcome!

It is a friken roller coaster an't it?

Just keep being your gorgeous self!

It is!!! =X I just can't wait to get past the beginning stage!
And omg thanks! You're adorable =D

Quote from: Nicky on October 18, 2010, 02:17:12 AM
You are not wrong to continue hormones.

Keep talking,

this is going to be a struggle for them, and they don;t realise what they are asking.

Perhaps you could explain it in terms of pain. "I am living in pain and have for a long time, I don't want to be in pain anymore. I know this is hard on you, but I need your support right now" Also try sympathizing - it must be hard to lose a son. They are allowed to grieve.

I was going to reply myself, but really could not have said it any better than Nicky, so I'll just second her!

Keep strong!

If it helps, just backup what Nikki says.

Roller coaster. Stick with it.

It would be wonderful if those closest to us would give us the support we need. But the reality is, for many, that this is going to be our journey.

Best of luck love.

Thank you Spacial and Marleen!! <3

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on October 18, 2010, 02:07:36 AM
So I came out to my parents like two months ago, and they told me it was fine nothing would change the fact that we are family etc but then they told me they want me to wait a year or 5 to live life and if I still wanted to do it I could etc. But I don't get why they want me to wait. I've thought about whether I'm trans or not for a few years, and as far back as I can remember I've felt female. Even when I identified as a gay guy I felt sad that I wasn't a girl. I've never been happy about being a boy. I even used to steal my sisters dresses and wear them, and my parents know about that. So I talked to them tonight to tell them I started hormones, and to see if they were ready to talk because I feel like it's something that needed to be discussed but they were not interested in anything but telling me to wait. They say I'm impulsive and that it's so expensive and they seemed to believe I won't be able to afford SRS, even in the future. So long story short, they are not happy or okay with me transitioning but they can't and won't try to stop me. They want me to wait. For whatever reason. Also my mom told me I'm not a girl and that she won't refer to me as she/her "I won't. Not right now."

I don't know what to do. I'm going to try my best to get a career set up so that I can become financially independent and move out. (I have two part time jobs that allow me to pay for hormones so far) I don't know how my relationship will be with my parents now or in the future when I move out but I can't imagine it being good. When I move away from this ->-bleeped-<-ty town I can't imagine wanting to come back and now they aren't giving me any reason to do so. I was planning on staying here for a few years, 2 or 3 but now I hope to be out of here by then! I know I have it a lot better than a lot of trans people but it really sucks living with parents who don't support you. My mom asked me if I thought about how she'd feel losing her only son etc and I said I don't feel like a son. And why should I care about how she feels when they don't care to much about how I feel about being a boy! Am I wrong for continuing hormones? I honestly feel like their reaction is giving me more motivation to move out and get laser etc. This all happened a few hours and I was such a mess when we were talking. I haven't cried that much in so long!


Anyways this is such a long thread, I'm going to end it with this; Please don't take this as an attack on my parents. I'm hoping they are just struggling with the idea and will come around eventually. Other people have had it worse with their parents, so I'm lucky. I just needed to get this out and thought I'd get some other peoples thoughts on what I should do. =/

You probably made the mistake of telling your parents "Mom, Dad, i want to be X"  yeah, they think you went nuts, i mean if out the blue my child came to me, i would also to be reasonable.  They want you to wait because they think its a phase you can grow out of so they dont want you to do anything because they think it will pass.  So, what you have to do is show them you have been like this your whole life, tell them stuff about your life they have seen and not seen to support it and show them this thing wont go away no matter how long you wait, the only difference will be the regret you feel for not doing it sooner.

Well when I told them I wanted to transition, I wrote a small letter saying I felt like I was in the wrong body and that I'd been going to therapy to get on hormones to transition to a female body. And I don't know how it could be out of the blue. I've always been really feminine and even stole my sisters clothes when we were little kids.

What I don't get is....If they aren't okay with me doing this NOW, but they would be in a few years...shouldn't they get over themselves now that they've realized I'm not going to wait, and support me anyways? I don't know what to do but I feel like I won't have a relationship with them anymore.

Quote from: Nicky on October 18, 2010, 02:17:12 AM
You are not wrong to continue hormones.

Keep talking,

this is going to be a struggle for them, and they don;t realise what they are asking.

Perhaps you could explain it in terms of pain. "I am living in pain and have for a long time, I don't want to be in pain anymore. I know this is hard on you, but I need your support right now" Also try sympathizing - it must be hard to lose a son. They are allowed to grieve.

Fantastic advice!  Nicky rocks.  I have nothing to add, because she's said it all very nicely right here.  Get your HRT and give them time.  Don't disown them, girl. 

Let your love light shine.  Yeah, it's way easier said than done, but just love them openly as much as you can.  It's a good way to win them over with very few words.  It will take time though.  They are grieving, just like Nicky said.  Shine your Love Light on the folks, girl.  Let it shine (The vid has a drop-out in the beginning ... stay tuned ... great song ... August 1969 ... WAHOO!):


You're not weird.  You're not immoral.  You're not nuts.  Your curing your pain.  Hugs, girl!   

Quote from: Lacey Lynne on October 22, 2010, 11:53:16 PM
Fantastic advice!  Nicky rocks.  I have nothing to add, because she's said it all very nicely right here.  Get your HRT and give them time.  Don't disown them, girl. 

Let your love light shine.  Yeah, it's way easier said than done, but just love them openly as much as you can.  It's a good way to win them over with very few words.  It will take time though.  They are grieving, just like Nicky said.  Shine your Love Light on the folks, girl.  Let it shine (The vid has a drop-out in the beginning ... stay tuned ... great song ... August 1969 ... WAHOO!):


You're not weird.  You're not immoral.  You're not nuts.  Your curing your pain.  Hugs, girl!   

Thanks Lacy Lynne. Hugs <3
I feel like it'll be a struggle until my parents come around but I'm willing to take that on.

Hi Britney,

I think we all have to look at life from each others point of view. Your family thought they had a boy child. Hopefully loved and cared for, and sounds as he was. But the boy was never a boy. I identify very well with this. When you come out  we are  hoping or expecting acceptance and love and help and 'Oh, Gosh I have a new daughter, Father go and paint her room' "Britney and I are going clothes shopping" No it's total shock. Horror. What have we done wrong. I've got a pervert as a son. Do we take him to the ER or to a psychiatrist.

We feel, not knowing these thoughts, happy we have come out,. Finally, we think,  I can be accepted as the female I am. Goddess that was tough, but we got through it. Then the tidal wave.

You know what you are, you know what you need to do. You are doing it.

JMO
Cindy

Quote from: CindyJames on October 23, 2010, 02:50:05 AM
Hi Britney,

I think we all have to look at life from each others point of view. Your family thought they had a boy child. Hopefully loved and cared for, and sounds as he was. But the boy was never a boy. I identify very well with this. When you come out  we are  hoping or expecting acceptance and love and help and 'Oh, Gosh I have a new daughter, Father go and paint her room' "Britney and I are going clothes shopping" No it's total shock. Horror. What have we done wrong. I've got a pervert as a son. Do we take him to the ER or to a psychiatrist.

We feel, not knowing these thoughts, happy we have come out,. Finally, we think,  I can be accepted as the female I am. Goddess that was tough, but we got through it. Then the tidal wave.

You know what you are, you know what you need to do. You are doing it.

JMO
Cindy

I know you are probably right but I don't get why they are so shocked! I never acted like a son or a boy. I half expected them to disown me when I came out, so it's a relief that they still "love" me but words don't mean anything when their are no actions to prove it. What hurts the most is that they are saying "You're refusing to see this from our side!" etc but they are doing the same. I can't really see how they feel as I have no kids. but I am trying :S They just aren't even trying to accept it which hurts.

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on October 23, 2010, 11:15:16 AM
I know you are probably right but I don't get why they are so shocked! I never acted like a son or a boy. I half expected them to disown me when I came out, so it's a relief that they still "love" me but words don't mean anything when their are no actions to prove it. What hurts the most is that they are saying "You're refusing to see this from our side!" etc but they are doing the same. I can't really see how they feel as I have no kids. but I am trying :S They just aren't even trying to accept it which hurts.

I know the feeling well. I think 90% of us do. Sadly the only people who could'nt accept me were my parents. One reason I left the UK to come to Australia. My sisters had no problem. My eventual wife had no problems. When I came out to my whole Australian family there was instant acceptance. So much in fact one sister in law just said. 'Oh. I've known that for ages'. The other said 'You're Gorgeous".

Hopefully as you develop into Britney they will see their daughter and accept her. At least they haven't disowned you.

And always remember, you have another family as well. One that will never reject you; will never have any problem in understanding your issues. And are always here for each other.

Hugs Honey

Cindy

Parents are strange. (just like us really!)

My own accepted the situation when I was a young child and helped me to live pretty much the way I wanted right up to my late teens when I visited a therapist who told them they had made it to easy for me. They then started with all the doubts. Turns out initially they had thought it was just a phase and that if they didn't make a big issue out of it then I would grow bored with it and change back.

Later when I retransitioned as an adult my family initially said many of the same things as yours are doing. Only my mother was slightly more understanding, for reasons which I didn't understand until years later when I saw her medical records and realised that she probably had a good idea of my undeclared intersex status which my step-father and rest of my family didn't.

My point is, what parents say can and does change over time. Also what they say, and what they do may actually be two entirely different things. Most people have no experience of this. They cannot imagine it. Yes you may have been thinking about it since birth, but they can't know that so to them it will seem as though it is very sudden and unexpected.

When faced with major change most humans go through five phases. - There may be more but these are the major steps.

Initial apparent easy acceptance (false). They act like this is no big deal. This is the equivalent to trying to disarm the threat by making friends with it. "If I appear un-fussed perhaps it will all go away"

Denial (they act as though nothing has happened until something reminds them of reality)

Hostility (they will fight or argue with whatever seems to be the cause of the change and try to wriggle out of it or find some way to put it off)

Recrimination (they try to find someone to blame for the situation)

Acceptance (they finally come to terms and start being rational)

You are somewhere between steps 2 and 3 - but eventually things will move on.

Sadly the VERY WORST thing you could do is show doubt and/or delay. That way lies madness and regret. If you go back on your transition then you signal to them that they can bully you out of it and every time you try again they will be hostile.

Also time goes on. Whilst it is perfectly possible to get a decent result as a later transitioner many do not and the odds in your favour are HUGELY increased below the age of about 30. This is a thing best done whilst you are young. Sadly biology means that it IS a rush.

To someone older saying wait 5 years may not seem like a long time as past 30 time seems to slip by at an alarming speed, but when you are young 5 years makes a LOT of difference.

So as everyone else has said - what ever you do DO NOT slow down pr give up.

Just remember that as you change so too will your parents. They can't imagine viewing you as female now, because with the greatest of respect, to them you aren't... YET!

But when they start to see changes, at first you can expect hostility, but then ultimately they will eventually accept the evidence of their eyes. I've seen it a hundred times. Trust me, for a while it may be rough, but eventually (unless you are one of the very unlucky few) it will be ok. Just give it time for the penny to drop.

Cindy! Jenny! You're posts give me so much hope. I'm so glad I found susans I don't know what I'd do without you guys here <3
I really hope my parents do come around. =/

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on October 24, 2010, 04:31:01 AM
Cindy! Jenny! You're posts give me so much hope. I'm so glad I found susans I don't know what I'd do without you guys here <3
I really hope my parents do come around. =/

Absolutely agree.  Jenny and Cindy blew me away too.  Very briefly, I'm one of those for whom it truly is too late and who started transitioning too late.  Since coming out west, I've been atrociously betrayed, swindled and used, rejected by the LGBTQ Community and given the brush off by a gender counselor. 

You've got to ask yourself:  "Will transition make my life better or worse?"

For me, honestly, it's the latter.  Good old mom always told me that I'm too nice to people and that they will take advantage of me.  Mom's a prophet.  Aside from being too old, I really don't have the financial strength to see the process through the right way and to have a good life afterwards.  The vast majority of later transitioners who go on to good lives have ready resources, ample pensions, few debts.  All in all, they're all set to enjoy post-transition life.  Not all of us are so well-set. 

START TRANSITIONING AS YOUNG AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN, if transitioning is really what you want.   

Thanks, gals ... I very much needed to read these posts too.