*snif* thanks *snif*

Thanks Arch and everyone! You've made me feel much better with your words. 

When I started dating my boyfriend, I was very on-the-fence about my gender and things of that sort, so I didn't tell him about anything having to do with that and he just viewed me as a woman.

Once I felt comfortable enough with myself, I told him, and although he was a little thrown by it (He suspected but thought it was just him over thinking it) he accepted me completely as I am. He embraced the fact that I was a man, and told me he was there for me.

He views me as a male, but loves my body as a female, and they can go hand in hand with him. Because of this, and my fear of going under the knife, and of that kind of commitment, I have remained non op. Also, my mom doesn't know, and yeah, I would have some severe explaining to do.

It honestly eats me up every day that I can't look the way I want to, but I know that, as of right now, it's not the right thing for me. I'm still really young; I just started college. I want to have the freedom to feel comfortable should anything change with me. I also might want to have a child (awkward as a man, I know, but I want to have the option.).

Hmmmm, boyfriend, in college, willing to sacrifice immediate satisfaction for possible better future- sounds like you are coping very well indeed.  You will have some dysphoria, some angst.  While you are in college you can probably access therapists, meds, etc.  Get your head right relatively inexpensively.  Take advantage of everything you can and enjoy.  You will have a long life, knowing what of it is worth.

My main coping mechanism has been just getting really comfortable with the fact that there's actually nothing "wrong" with me. I'm a unique individual and I'm lucky enough to have a partner who accepts me the way I am.

I put off my transition until after my grandfather died, because I was the only male in the family who had a career and a future and he was immensely proud of me.
It wasn't easy at all. It involved a lot of alcohol, a lot of sex with women who I wanted to BE rather than be with, a ton of escapism via video games, tabletop and LARP roleplaying, closet crossdressing and daydreaming about what life would be like after transition.
Probably the crossdressing helped the most - but it was also quite depressing having to go back to being male after the clothes came off.

Quote from: CaitJ on December 19, 2010, 08:14:18 PM
Probably the crossdressing helped the most - but it was also quite depressing having to go back to being male after the clothes came off.

My therapist suggested that as a coping mechanism (and despite a past history that included that), my initial reaction is that it would just make the feelings worse right now becuse I would "just be a man in a dress".

Quote from: regan on December 19, 2010, 08:16:17 PM
My therapist suggested that as a coping mechanism (and despite a past history that included that), my initial reaction is that it would just make the feelings worse right now becuse I would "just be a man in a dress".

The ritualism of dressing up, doing makeup and having some 'girl time' to yourself can actually be very cathartic. I used to combine this with hanging out online in chat rooms where I was only known as female, or roleplaying female characters in online games and tell people that I was female IRL.
The escapism of falling into my female personalities took the edge off the 'man in a dress' feeling. One of the worst things you can do pre-transition is sit in front of a mirror for too long, as you fixate on your male features and catastrophise about your future ability to pass and compare yourself to other trans people.

In fact, comparing yourself to other trans women in later stages of transition is one of the most destructive things you can do - each person is totally unique and making comparisons will only make you feel ->-bleeped-<-ty about yourself.

How are you doing, Niamh?

Quote from: Arch on December 20, 2010, 01:37:33 AM
How are you doing, Niamh?

Thanks for asking! 

All things considered I am doing well. I've no reason to complain. Lately I have been getting down a bit but I always find ways to cheer myself up and make myself look on the bighter side of everything. It's tough feeling like I am stuck in this inbetween world, of knowing that I want to present as female but having to 'keep up appearances' for the time being. But I will battle though as always and it will only make the day I find do start living as a woman all the more sweet. After all I can't put my life on hold just because of this one lil thing now can I?  Thanks!

Hi Niamh, It appears to me that you are coping very well-considering. I have a wife and son at home who depend upon me to be who I am now. And I made a vow to be with my wife over twenty years ago and have not forgotten this even though it sometimes causes me pain. I just take one day at a time and try to not stress over those things that cause me pain or things that I can't readily change. When things get to where I am overly frustrated I go see my therapist and this has always helped.

Randi

I'm glad you're hanging in there, Niamh. You can always come to Susan's for some vibes. I hope we help some.

Yes, it certainly does help to come on here and know that there are so many people who are where I am or have been here and have come out the other side. That gives me hope.   

Quote from: Randi on December 20, 2010, 04:10:34 PM
Hi Niamh, It appears to me that you are coping very well-considering. I have a wife and son at home who depend upon me to be who I am now. And I made a vow to be with my wife over twenty years ago and have not forgotten this even though it sometimes causes me pain. I just take one day at a time and try to not stress over those things that cause me pain or things that I can't readily change. When things get to where I am overly frustrated I go see my therapist and this has always helped.

Randi

Hi Randi, is transition on the books in the medium term?

Yah, I am coping well. You have to really, work, earn money, but food on the table. I have grown and changed so much in the last few years, ever since I first came out, and I know I am a better and stronger person. I have come to love myself and that is so important. Too many young trans people rush into the process without first coming to love and accept themselves.

I haven't completely ruled it out but realistically speaking-I don't see it happening. As long as I can carry on and keep things on an even keel (status quo) I will do this because to do otherwise would be financial ruin not only for me but for my family and I just can't do that to them. So, I can put what I would do about my gender issues aside for the greater good of all concerned. It isn't always easy but for now it works.

Randi

Quote from: Randi on December 22, 2010, 06:59:51 AM
I haven't completely ruled it out but realistically speaking-I don't see it happening. As long as I can carry on and keep things on an even keel (status quo) I will do this because to do otherwise would be financial ruin not only for me but for my family and I just can't do that to them. So, I can put what I would do about my gender issues aside for the greater good of all concerned. It isn't always easy but for now it works.

Randi

I admire that. I wish you all the best in that.

naimh

Didn't you use to have a rather nice avitar photo?

Apologies if i'm confusing you with someone else.

I'm surprised I've never responded to this post in the past.  I'll make this fast:

1) I learned what triggered my gender dysphoria
2) I did my best to first avoid my triggers, then confront them one by one, learning to control the dysphoria from each
3) Because I'm not perfect at it, I still don't go places that too powerfully activate my triggers.
4) I never forget what condition I deal with or pretend it doesn't exist.  I am open with all of those whom I can afford to be.
5) I have at least one confidant, in this case my wife, but also several friends.  If I need to talk about how I feel, I have people I can.

That's how I make it.  I can give more specific details if you'd like.

Quote from: interalia on December 22, 2010, 10:39:38 PM
I'm surprised I've never responded to this post in the past.  I'll make this fast:

1) I learned what triggered my gender dysphoria
2) I did my best to first avoid my triggers, then confront them one by one, learning to control the dysphoria from each
3) Because I'm not perfect at it, I still don't go places that too powerfully activate my triggers.
4) I never forget what condition I deal with or pretend it doesn't exist.  I am open with all of those whom I can afford to be.
5) I have at least one confidant, in this case my wife, but also several friends.  If I need to talk about how I feel, I have people I can.

That's how I make it.  I can give more specific details if you'd like.

I really don't like this 'trigger' business; it's treating GID like PTSD from rape.
Which I think is really, really wrong.
I find it really offensive in fact and would really like you to stop using that word in reference to GID.

Quote from: CaitJ on December 22, 2010, 10:42:12 PM
I really don't like this 'trigger' business; it's treating GID like PTSD from rape.
Which I think is really, really wrong.
I find it really offensive in fact and would really like you to stop using that word in reference to GID.

Trigger is a common psychological term not limited to PTSD from rape, though I'm sorry it offends.  I refer to a trigger as something external that causes me to feel gender dysphoric.  Perhaps there is a better, less offensive, word someone might suggest that still brings across the same meaning?

If there isn't a better word, you could always ignore my posts.

EDIT:  I don't want to ignore the existence of my triggers - they help me to understand why I feel the way I do and what makes me feel that way.  It also really helps me to change my response to those triggers so they become manageable.  It would be irresponsible for me to not acknowledge them.

Quote from: Laura91 on December 22, 2010, 10:54:46 PM
That sounds like a more sensible idea instead of telling people what to post.

Perfect. I can smack-talk about people, then just tell them to ignore my posts. Brilliant!

We all have to deal with this in the way that is best for us. It is not the same for everybody and we really should try to be more tolerant of one anothers differences without trying to force our wants upon others who struggle from time to time too, (edited because I don't want to be offensive)
Interalia-I get what you said and relate totally. I appreciate your point of view and have learned a great deal from your previous posts-Thanks.

Randi