I am at school, and I just read an e-mail from him...he's being evicted on the weekend because his financial aid has been delayed for some stupid administrative crap. He has a low-paying job and is an A student. He doesn't have a place to stay yet. I offered to let him sleep on my floor for a couple of days, but my place is so small that I don't even know where I can put him. His grandma just died, his mother is going through major health problems (kidney failure and dialysis), and his only sibling is being an ass--the brother has been having trouble with my friend's transition, among other things. I am worried that the stress will exacerbate my friend's bipolar disorder.

I'm not really equipped to deal with this crisis. I've got my own issues. I am better off than he is, but my equilibrium is delicate. My stress is up and my insomnia is back. Things are piling up. I was near the breaking point this morning, and now this.

Today I wore purple and thought of all the young queer kids who were bullied mercilessly. On the drive into work, I thought about suicide. I figured it was just a stress reaction. I told myself to keep going.

This evening, after I read his e-mail, I thought about suicide again. I told myself that I can't help him out, or even buy him a hamburger, if I'm dead.

I don't want to be dead. But sometimes...sometimes I just don't know how to live. Don't know if I can.

I'm tired of seeing so many trans people struggling so hard just to be themselves and getting endless crap for it. I'm tired of being trans myself. I'm solvent at the moment, but I'm tired of worrying about money. I'm sick of being independent. I don't miss my ex, but I miss what we had together when we still loved each other. And I'm tired of fighting my demons, all the issues I regularly boxed up and denied and repressed until everything started crashing down on me and I had to come out and transition and become a single man.

I want to go home. I want dinner and my couch. I want my cat to strop my head and attack my bare feet.

But I'm ninety miles from home, and I can't drive like this.

Feeling a little better now. I couldn't work like this, so I walked around the building some. I'm still having trouble focusing, but I think I'm okay to drive. It's after eight. The traffic will be light by now. I'll turn off the radio. Don't need the distraction.

I hope I can get some work done tomorrow. I'm getting farther and farther behind.

Thank god I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow.

Take care Arch.

Gah, I was gonna delete this thread, but you responded. Guess I'll leave it up.

I'm okay. I can't work yet--I'm feeling too anxious, and my mind just isn't functioning--but I'm home and I'm safe.

Thanks for the support, Spacial.

My pleasure Arch.

And, it's any time.

Hope you keep us posted on how things are going for you. And that friend of yours.

I can really understand your dilemma. On the one hand, you really want to help a friend in real need, on the other, the effect might drain more of your resources than you have left to spare.

Each of us only has one pair of hands, to coin a metaphore.

I may be a wreck, but my friend really is a wonder. In one day, he took and aced four unit exams for his self-paced math class. He's still waiting to hear from financial aid. If he can just get a check tomorrow, he will be okay. If not, I'll be helping him move this weekend.

I wish I didn't have to teach tomorrow. I could really use a break. But, as Captain Hammer says, "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do..."

Hey Arch. I know its hard, and can't imagine what your situation is like as mine is so totally different. But you are one of the guys that i instinctively look for whenever i come here, you helped me a lot when i was new so now , if theres anything i can do....Keep checking in, we're here for you