I am laying in bed right now in tears. The wife is going to see a lawyer this morning to start the process of divorce. She says she still loves me and is not abandoning me, but it feels a lot like rejection from this end. Like I am being put in a dinghy to be set adrift and the only thing left to argue is how many supplies I will need to survive for awhile. A part of me is in shock. I really just don't know what to say or do. From 15th anniversary to divorce in three months. Stunned, I'm just stunned. 

I was shown the door and packed and gone in three weeks from coming out.
it was an interesting experience but does explain why I'm a little jaded about the excuses some people put forward for not transitioning or the difficulties it brings.
she may think twice before signing the final papers once the reality of the situation she will be in sinks in.
at least now you know you can go forward as there is no way either of you can turn the clock back.

My wife and I are still trying to find a way through all this ... and I'm as ambivalent as her about the whole thing ... As much as I desperately want the love and support of my family, I also feel a strong need to be free to be who I want to be without constantly worrying about their reactions, or feeling concerned that i am causing embarrassment or shame ... and that may require me to go it alone.

In the meantime, I also feel that I have no automatic right to my wife's continuing love or support. She married someone she believed was a 'normal' man. Now she is having to cope with a husband who is very seriously contemplating transition into womanhood. As it happens, she has been incredibly understanding, all things considered. But even so, she's perfectly entitled to feel that the marriage contract has been broken ...

BTW .. this is just my marriage I'm talking about here: not seeking to comment on anyone else's ... and Melody, I'm so sorry that you're upset an I quite understand how lonely and vulnerable this would make you feel  ...

Quote from: Melody on October 22, 2010, 09:43:57 AM
I am laying in bed right now in tears. The wife is going to see a lawyer this morning to start the process of divorce. She says she still loves me and is not abandoning me, but it feels a lot like rejection from this end. Like I am being put in a dinghy to be set adrift and the only thing left to argue is how many supplies I will need to survive for awhile. A part of me is in shock. I really just don't know what to say or do. From 15th anniversary to divorce in three months. Stunned, I'm just stunned.

Melody my heart goes out to you  .

I'm sure that you were aware of this possibility even if only from reading the posts of others on here, but I know that it is still a terrible shock when something like this actually happens and goes from being a possibility to a very real certainty.

I wish I could wave a wand and make it all go away, but the reality is that the best I can do is assure you that you will get through this.

When things look bleak for me I always remind myself of the old saying that the night is darkest just before dawn. I don't know if it is actually true, but somehow the idea that it might be always manages to keep me going for long enough to reach that dawn.

You will survive, and if you find yourself on your own be confident that you will find another partner. In many ways, though it may not feel like it now, this can be a new beginning.

So chin up - and be brave.

Jenny x.

Awwww  Melody.  I am sorry to hear this news.  But it is a 50-50 shot as to whether or not the marriage survives.  You feel hurt and maybe even betrayed.  But then again she may also.

Having been through the whole thing myself.  I would recommend getting a lawyer yourself.  I wish I had, because I agreed way to quickly to things she wanted to go through with the divorce.

It hurts now, but it does get better.  And you might even still be friends.  My ex and I are somewhat friendly.

This too shall pass, sister.

Huggles.

I'm sorry to hear this Melody. I'm not in quite the same situation, I've got a 2 year grace period. What you said about feeling "like I am being put in a dinghy to be set adrift and the only thing left to argue is how many supplies I will need to survive for awhile" sounds like how I'll feel when my time's up. I hope things get better.

I really just don't know what to say or do

Well I have no idea what you should say, but I sure know what you should do.  You should get a lawyer NOW!  And as long as you have to get one, get the meanest, nastiest shark you can find.  Lots of people go through this process 'stunned' and then get really stunned when they find out they have lost everything they currently have, and a huge % of what they are going to make.

Melody.

My compassion and empathy goes out to you, at this time.

Lilacwoman. Thank you for that insight into your own problems. I know precious little about you but feel a lot of compassion for you.

While I do understand how many partners feel when someone transisions, we all married, for better or worse. Granted they may not have known beforehand, then again, there is so much we don't know before we marry.

We cannot be expected to live in misery because they can't accept part of who they discover, we were, all along.

If I may add.

Read #6

Melody, I'm sorry things went this way but not surprised.  I only know one couple that has (so far) survived the coming out. 

But whatever you do, don't get caught up in the guilt thing.  I've seen so many TGs take on all the blame and then get taken to the cleaners in court.  Like Kat said, find a GOOD lawyer, a really good one.  Don't accept one just because he or she is LGBT friendly.  You need one that is well versed in divorce and who will fight for your rights.  Once that decree is set in court, you'll be saddled with it for a very long time.  I've seen it and it's ugly.  And if you try to go back after you've transitioned, you'd better hope your judge isn't a phobe.  Do it right the first time!

This isn't the end of the world but most likely the beginning of a new life.  Divorce is tough even when you know it's right but you will get through it and come out happier.  I, and everyone I know who has been through this, have.

@ Melody:

E-hugs to you.  This is SO sad.  I'm facing this myself relatively soon.  Look, I'm at work right now and cannot talk because of that, but I'll be back to encourage you tonight. 

@ Julie Marie:

Great advice, Julie.  Sad but true.  The two Julies and Rejennyrated and Alison and couples like you are very fortunate to have found one another ... VERY FORTUNATE!  Yes, I have an idea of what you went through to get to that point though.  I've been in a near-suicidal funk as of late (Janet Lynne can confirm this!) due to all of this ... losing everything so late in life and not being financially set.  Top it off with being disliked, unloved and the harsh real world we all face, and it's difficult sometimes. 

Enough of that.  I'll be back tonight to try and help out Melody.  She needs us now.  Thanks to everybody for encouraging her.   

Melody:

Nighttime and done working.  Look at these great comments people have made on your behalf.  Your second post about your wife being the main breadwinner but wanting an amicable separate and divorce is GOOD news, actually. 

If at all possible, avoid lawyers and lawsuits.  Nobody wins in those situations ... except the lawyers ... by taking EVERYBODY to the cleaners with huge and unwarranted legal fees.  Before I did this medical work I'm in now, I was a paralegal for several years ... after getting out of DJ-ing to get married and get stable.  My point?  The legal profession rooks people, pretty much. 

Try to work it out peacefully and equitably with your wife.  My wife feels pretty much like your wife does:  She did NOT marry a woman.  This ->-bleeped-<- HURTS, honey girl, and it goes with the territory.  I'm discovering that there IS a life on the other side of all this and a darned GOOD life awaiting you, me and anybody and everybody else willing to just see it through.  We are transitioning in SO many ways.  Just see it through.

@ Octavianus:

Great comment, man.  Righteous sentiment.  You rock, dude.   

bye

Thanks everyone. We are in a somewhat different situation in that my wife is the breadwinner and has always made more money than me even when we both worked. We have already worked through our assets and made preliminary agreements as to what we are dividing and how. I will also have significant time with my son. I am far from being "taken to the cleaners," in fact I will be walking away with a lot of her assets, but I won't sign anything that strays from our agreement. We still truly care and love each other and just want to see the other happy. It is perfectly possible that I will remain in the household for awhile even after the divorce.  Basically, the lawyer is just there to file the necessary court papers to codify our agreements. However, it is still a divorce and a rejection of some sort. I am hurt by this. If I sense things going off the rails, I will make sure to protect myself.   

Melody, I can't give you any advice on this matter but like all other beautiful people here I would like you to know that I think about you and wish to support you through this.
It is a hard time and like others pointed out before the grief comes from both sides. You feel naturally rejected by her, but she also has her sexual preference. If she feels she can't be married to a woman there is nothing to do about it. You are still the same person but her view on you has undoubtedly changed. At the moment you might want to try to salvage the friendship out of this relationship because you have spent so many years together. Feelings grown in this period won't go away that easily.

You will be stronger in the end for this.
I have been through a divorce that was amniable, (Not over trans issues.) and even if all parties are agreeable it hurts like hell.
Best of luck Melody.

I'm really sorry to hear that Melody, my heart and prayers go out to you.  I'm single to this day, because I've always feared that possibility when the day to transition would come. As far as a lawyer goes you should grab one as suggested.

*Hugs*
Sincerely, 
      Kayla

Aw, sister, my heart is breaking for you.  I am expecting a similar outcome.  I'm planning to tell my kids about me this weekend, perhaps, and I half-expect that will be the trigger that blows everything to hell.  I can't help it - I have to be who I am.  I know I can't really prepare for the emotional pain that's coming, I'll just have to endure it, as you are.  {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Melody}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}  Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.  No words of encouragement can really help, I know, but I live these days by the following phrase:  "Despite the stormy weather in which I find myself, I choose to believe in the rainbow."  May your rainbow not be long in coming, honey.  Please keep posting here and let us know how you're doing.

Melody,
I am sorry that you have to face this now. I have never felt prepared when these times come up. I too have a spouse who is the principal breadwinner for our household. My wife and I have also had similar conversations recently but it hasn't gone any further than discussing divorce, financial issues, etc... that is after the yelling & crying stopped. We are actually getting along much better than before these talks and can actually stand to be around each other for extended periods of time-that is saying alot believe me. I am not saying it will be that way for you but time may smooth things out for you both when the reality sets in.
Bye for now,
Randi

There is really not much animosity between my wife and me. There were a lot of tears, hurt feelings and some yelling earlier, but that is pretty much over now. We are just left with a sadness. It just basically comes down to that my wife is not attracted to women and can't see herself married and romantically involved with one.

Quote from: Melody on October 22, 2010, 06:35:35 PMIt just basically comes down to that my wife is not attracted to women and can't see herself married and romantically involved with one.

Mine hasn't thought it that far through yet, but I'm certain our outcome will be the same, for the same reasons.