Had the most serious talk with my wife so far this evening.  I basically said that everything I've been doing for the past four months has been for the purpose of gathering information and aligning with resources - the support group, therapist, friends, etc., and that all of the experiences I've had (cross-dressing, exploring my self with the therapist, etc.) has only tended to confirm what I already knew, and that the therapist is pretty convinced that when I have my assessment, the diagnosis will be pretty clear.  I didn't have to say I would transition, she could infer it from what I was saying and how I was saying it.  And she is very upset, and very angry.  She kept repeating "I have nothing now.  Our entire marriage was bull->-bleeped-<-.  I'll be alone.  I'll have no-one.  It's not even a divorce situation."  And I said that if we did divorce, then it would be, and she said no, she doesn't want a divorce ("That's just not gonna happen.")  Basically she's sort of in shock and anger at the same time, and of course she hasn't had time to figure out how she feels or what her options are.  She is NOT supportive - not at all.  But she doesn't see any value in her seeing a counselor or therapist to help her sort out her own feelings - she just doesn't see how that could "make anything better."  Basically, in her view, I'm throwing away everything we've worked our whole lives for.  And she is bitter about it.

But for now, I'm not moving out, she's not throwing me out, and I assume (for now) she'll want us to keep up appearances for the kids.  But I also think (and I'm going to reconfirm with my therapist tomorrow) that at this point, I SHOULD tell the kids, so they can know what the undercurrents are all about - they're GOING to notice things, how can they not.  And they can support their mother.  I would love to have their support, but I think I can hardly hope for that.

So my situation will now probably start going to hell in a handbasket, slowly but surely...

I have no point of referance so I can only offer a hug and my sympathy.
**hugz

Colleen, even though there are no children in my situation, I know exactly what it's like to have an angry, bitter and unsupportive SO. My SO continued to live with me for 8 months after the fact too. That was sometimes complete hell. I also sometimes fear of what my ex-SO might do to me. However, it does get better- it really does.

It's always really tough when we have a spouse or longtime SO. They go through alot too, even if they are supportive. I envy the people who don't have to deal with that, but it is what it is. No matter what happens remember to stay true to yourself. If it doesn't work out remember that you both did have good times together and I'm sure you gave her much happiness. Things change and people change though (especially us ). Some things don't last forever. This I had to realize.

I hope your children are understanding. If not I hope you do have supportive people in your life. Aside from my SO everyone else seems supportive. I hope it stays that way. The road we take is difficult, harder for some than others, but keep sight of your goals and the woman you really are.

I put off transition or even changing anything because of fear of what others would think and do. It killed me inside- to the point I felt like I was no longer living life. I've lived my whole life for others, now it's time for me to live for myself. I'll help those around me understand the best I can, but you can help someone only as much as they'll accept it. Keep trying, but if you should reach a point where you know it's pointless then you can say at least you tried.

Sorry to hear that Colleen.  My ex and I went through a period where we cohabited, but it was really rough.  We were in two separate parts for the house and she would never even talked to me.

Children only care that they are loved and cared for.  It does not matter how you look or act it is only that you love them.  You and your wife, if you stay together, need to make sure they know that no matter what happens between Mom and Dad, that they are safe.

Good Luck Sis.

I'm sorry Colleen, but I guess you kinda knew this was coming. Chin up, try to stay positive and hugs. Try to remember that you WILL be happier at the end of this. You life is NOT going to hell in a hand basket. Your life is just starting. It will be rough. Very rough even. My wife and I had a hard time and she accepted me right away and supports me. However, we have finally arrived at a place where we are looking forward to our future and starting to see the happiness that is possible for our life. Even though she won't go, your wife desperately needs to go to a therapist. It concerns me that she immediately took divorce off the table. I think she has a deep fear that she can't make it without you in life. Maybe once you tell your children, all of you can help to convince her to see someone. Is there someone in her life that she listens to that you might be able to recruit to your cause?

Remember, your Susan's family is rooting for you and we care and understand. I care and understand and am in a similar situation with a long standing marriage and a son. You have to be strong for what is coming, because I won't lie, it is going to suck hard for awhile. You WILL pull through and things WILL get better. Have faith and heart. I believe in you.

like lots of other MtFs I've beeen there, seen it and done it.  But you never know how things will work out so basically its one day at a time.
Next time round we need to be born as girls then if we turn out to be TS we will transition young and single.

Thanks, everyone.  Of course, what I posted wasn't the whole story about last evening.  First, to avoid any confusion, note that my three "kids" are 19, 24 and 27.  So the convo last night ended when the oldest two came home from work (they all still live at home, and the youngest had to work last night).  My wife quickly went into the washroom to compose herself, then afterward she went out and got pizza for supper, and the four of us spent a rather normal suppertime.  After doing the dishes, the rest of the evening was also pretty normal, including my wife and I sitting on the couch watching TV with a couple of the kids, and she was even sitting right next to me, not apart from me. 

As we were going to bed, we kissed each other, hugged, and said "I Love You" to each other (I started), and then as usual, I rolled over facing away from her and tried to go to sleep.  But within a very few minutes, I was thinking about everything that had happened, and everything that had been said, and the sadness of possibly losing her, and I started crying.  I tried to cry silently at first, but very shortly I was sobbing, and shaking the bed a bit.  Then, she moved over close to me, put her arm around me, and comforted me.  That's when the dam burst and I sobbed uncontrollably for a long time.  And she was consoling me the whole time.  Afterwards, we lay in each others' arms for a while, just being together and caressing each other.  So that was a rather unexpected ending to a very strange day...

Colleen.

However negative your wife may be, there seems to be a lot to work on there. I know many others have had negative experiences, but your relationship could still work.

For both your sakes.

Hello Colleen,
As someone in a relationship too, I know you're going through some very difficult times, and the seas may stay rough for quiet some time. Give her some time to get over the initial shock and always keep talking. Maybe talk to the kids when emotions have settled down a bit. Try to stay positive, you'll arrive where you need to be!
Good luck,
Marleen

From what I gather it 'seems' that she understands that your transition is going to happen and the fact she said divorce isn't an option and didn't threaten you with divorce if you continue with transition makes me think she at least accepts it on some level. At least this is what I think.

obviously she still loves you

Quote from: cynthialee on October 19, 2010, 08:57:04 AM
obviously she still loves you

Yes, she does, and I love her dearly.  I just hope that will help and not just make everything more painful.  I had a therapy session today, and the therapist said that the connection we have may not change the outcome (of our relationship), but it will make it more meaningful, and that's a big thing.  There are more difficult conversations yet to come - I will need to start laser beard removal soon, and I will want to epilate my arms and legs (and bum!), and shave my armpits.  All of these things will once again smack her in the face.  And there's not a lot I can do, other than to go gently, and demonstrate my empathy for her as I do.  And keep the lines of communication open, if I can.  I just hope it's enough.  Thanks, everyone for your support.

Love is what keeps my home together. I cannot do everything I want to do but she is aware that I need to do certain things to be happy and for now she can tolerate me. Conversely, for now I can tolerate her wishes and needs and will show her that I love her just as I always have.
Bye for now,
Randi

Well, I just told my 24-yo son.  He was very loving and supportive.  His only question was, "What does this mean for you and Mom?"  I didn't sugar-coat it or make any promises.  I said it's too early to know, but that obviously Mom married a man, and she's having a lot of difficulty with this concept, and will need all the love and support they can give her.  He said "Don't worry, Dad, no matter what you look like, nothing could cause me not to love you.  You'll always be my father."  And he hugged me when I cried, and comforted me.  I assured him that anytime he has any questions, on ANY topic, or anything he wants to talk about, I will give him answers that are completely honest.  He was very appreciative, and said he had great respect for me that I was able to tell him something like this, and that it showed great respect on my part for him.  And he completely agreed to keep things under his hat until I have a chance to talk with my daughter (27) and his younger brother (19), and reassured me that they will also be supportive.  I am SO blessed to have such wonderful kids!  I do realize there will be difficulties ahead, but I also think if we can face up to them as a family, we will be stronger for it. 

Collen;
That is awesome news!
I am so happy for you!

That's wonderful news about your son! I knew you were worried about it. For me the whole transitioning thing has actually brought me closer to other family members as well. I truly think that if people journey with you through transition it can make the relationships and family stronger.

Quote from: Radar on October 24, 2010, 07:10:06 PMI truly think that if people journey with you through transition it can make the relationships and family stronger.

Thanks, Cynthia and Radar.  I do think that without transition, I would never be able to have a truly intimate relationship with anyone, because there'd always be that secret.  I was even keeping it from myself.  Even now, things are already so much more open for me - I am really, really hopeful about the future...

Quote from: Colleen Ireland on October 24, 2010, 07:55:47 PM
Thanks, Cynthia and Radar.  I do think that without transition, I would never be able to have a truly intimate relationship with anyone, because there'd always be that secret.  I was even keeping it from myself.  Even now, things are already so much more open for me - I am really, really hopeful about the future...

I think you are absolutely right about that. I have become so much closer to my sisters, family members and friends because of this. I even feel this stretches into the spiritual. That is great news about your son! I am so happy for you that it went well. I was hoping that it might. I also hope the rest are as supportive as your son suggests as it could be a great help with your wife. Good luck as you prepare to break the news to the others.

Your son's reaction is really wonderful, two more to go; you'll be just fine ;-)

Thank you, Melody.  And I haven't forgotten about your offer, it's just not time yet to broach that topic.  Soon, perhaps.  This week I'm gonna concentrate on talking to my other two kids, and since the first went so well, I think I can be a lot less afraid, but I'm still going to approach the task with great care and empathy.  Once I'm out in the open, I'm hoping my wife will also feel a great weight lifted, and maybe she'll be better able to move forward in her own journey.  At the very least, she'll be able to grieve in her own way in her own time, instead of having to keep up a front for the kids.  I'll keep y'all posted...