I need to get this out there. I keep seeing people posting about their significant others - especially the guys, and most especially the gay guys - with language that deeply concerns me, because so many of us seem to be in relationships where either our significant other is controlling and abusive or we're failing to stand up for ourselves or set boundaries and thus allowing ourselves to be controlled. I've been there and done that. The results aren't pretty.

So, just some points that I think ought to be common knowledge, but may be undermined by female socialization and/or by low self-esteem:

- You don't have to do what your partner says. Ever.

- Good people, people who are worth being in relationships with, respect people who stand up for themselves and set limits.

- Your partner doesn't always know what's good for you. Be wary of anything that's suggested "for your own good" if it makes you uncomfortable. Be especially concerned if something "for your own good" 'just happens' to involve something that your partner would derive pleasure from.

- Being trans or having any other medical condition or disability doesn't make you inferior. You are not less of a person or less of an equal partner in your relationship because of your issues.

- You, and not your partner, are the ultimate arbiter of what's done to your body and legal identity. Your obligation, if any, to make concessions and compromises for the relationship stops where "the relationship" ends and "you" begin.  Your name, your gender, your clothing, your physical appearance, your medical treatment are not appropriate areas for your partner to dictate. If they don't like who you are, then...well, that's the problem. Not you, but their dislike of you.

- Nobody ever has the right to demand that you perform a sexual act that makes you uncomfortable. This means anything from nude self-photography to penetrative sex to BDSM. No means no.

- If your partner is making sweeping negative judgments about your psychological health, competence, life skills, intelligence, moral character, or anything else, that is emotionally-abusive behaviour. If s/he is using these judgments or your reaction to them to control your emotional state or your behaviour, this is a dangerous situation.

Sometimes we all do things for our partners because we love them. And we can make individual judgments about what exactly we should or want to do out of love. But it's really important not to slide into the language of "my partner wont let me" or "I have to" or "he's making me." If that's not how you feel, then using that language is undermining the loving character of your decision to do what they want. If you really do feel like you're being made to do something, then you're in a bad situation and you need to either stand up for yourself or get out.

I've noticed this myself and I didn't know how to address it without offending anyone.  Now that you brought it up I'm going for it.  lol

Basically the way I see it is that even though we are male minded the majority of FTM's were raised female.   To avoid offending anyone I'm just going to talk about myself and if someone can relate then mission accomplished.  In simplistic terms I was raised to be deferential to men and to do what it took to make them happy.  Even at the expense of my own happiness or comfort.  This especially come to light when I started to date and the expectation became clear that if they paid for dinner I had to provide a sexual service of some sort.  Throw on top of that my all consuming need to be loved since my parents failed me.  Put those together and you get me sobbing away the night because I felt dirty through and through.  Quietly though so I wouldn't disturb anyone.

When I slowly came to terms with my gender identity I really started to look at this.  With my partner I would go into explosive rages because all the resentment would build up inside of me to the point it had to go somewhere.  He is a good guy and did not intend on making me feel inferior but I did just because that is the way I was taught to be around men.  So both him and I got use to a sort of uneasy relationship where he tried to treat me like an equal and I wouldn't let him because I didn't feel that I could be.  That became just the way it was and what we both expected.  You just come to love the walls of your prison cell even in your own head.

The first time I ever really stood up to him is when I decided to start my transition.  I was terrified but I knew deep down in my heart this is what I had to do for myself.  For once in my damn life because before that I was either working to please my mother or my current relationship.  It was dramatic.  He left me a total of 3 times I think.  Then came back a few hours later crying.  He thought my personality had changed but what really happened is that I was allowing myself to be who I was for the first time ever.  Our relationship was gotten much better since then.  Much better then it ever was. 

I'm an introspective person and I can look back and see all of this.  Once I was able to see I was able to start changing my pattern of thinking.  Here's a fact.  Men want to be loved just as much as woman.  Men want to have connection and friendships just as much as women.  I was taught as a child the men are these emotionless lusting machines and that is just not true.  Thank heavens for that.  The majority are not out to get you if you don't obey every word they say.  Yes they are taught to suppress their feelings in order to not be singled out but that doesn't mean feelings are not there.  Their need to be respected being paramount. 

As a FTM I needed to put aside all of preconceived notions if I was going to interact with guys in any sort of meaningful way.  I realized that I was a man and always had been.  Which means that they way I think and feel is the way other men do too.  To a certain degree of course as everyone is wonderfully different.  Which was a shock to my system when that sunk in.  I was able to have empathy and tolerance for men and not just trepidation around them.  For after all they are just like me and not these scary frightening mini gods.  I don't know if I'm alone with that but I swear that's how I use to think. 

Now I show respect to everyone and demand the same back in return.  If I don't want to do something then it doesn't happen.  Most people don't flip me off and walk away forever.  We make adjustments together and come to a solution if it's worth the trouble.  I have respect for myself and I gave that respect to others because that is what I deserve as a human being.  That's what any other person deserves as well.   

That was all rambling and such.  Thanks for reading                   

QuoteThis especially come to light when I started to date and the expectation became clear that if they paid for dinner I had to provide a sexual service of some sort

Ouch.

This is why I didn't like letting a guy pay for dinner...I didn't know what he thought he was buying with that, and while at the time I was pretty indiscriminate...I wasn't a hooker, and I was working full-time, so I didn't need to get fed.

(Not to be mean to hookers or anything, because they have a rough enough life as it is, but it wouldn't be my first career choice.)

Since I once accidentally took a straight girl out on a date, I sort of thought of a better analogy:

Buying a person a meal, if you want to think about it, is more like buying a lottery ticket than a bus ticket.  In other words, you're putting in for the opportunity to go (ahem) on a trip, not the guarantee.

In the case of the straight girl, it was like me buying a ticket on a lottery I couldn't win...but we did end up being friends after that, and my heart wasn't broken. 
I was disappointed, because she was just absolutely earth-goddess gorgeous... but oh well.*shrug*

Sad thing is, I know I'm in an abusive relationship... but I don't want the relationship to end, just the abuse.
And it's not with another male, it's with a female.
Every type of abuse has been done onto me. And I have to admit, I was abusive too in the past. I've been able to control myself and realize I have a choice on my actions for about 2 years now without much damage, however she still goes at full force.

I want to be with HER, just not her abuse. And I'm always scared to say anything to any type of doctor or councilor, because I don't want her to go to jail.