Agh! I'm sick of this ->-bleeped-<-ing cycle.

I'm an on again and off again anorexic. Its my way of coping with my depression, when my world feels a bit topsy-turvy. Its been a good month and a half since I last starved myself, I lost a good 10 pounds before regaining a bit of common sense. I weighed myself every day, skipped breakfast, lunch, dinner if i could. I tried to restrict myself to a 200 calorie diet or lower a day.

Now, 5 weeks later, I'm back to my normal weight, but falling into my dang moods again. I can't eat anything, unless its chocolate. Then I feel guilty, try and force-barf it up, but no matter how long I spend in front of that toilette, nothing comes up.

I can't stand this. No matter what is the real issue with me, be it family or school, it always just ends up in my body issues box. I over eat, I don't eat, I count, recount, calories over and over again. Sometimes i feel like its what my entire world revolves around. I'd rather be dead than fat.

Sometimes I think the reason I don't pass is because I'm too curvy. I want to starve the thighs, the bat wings and the butt off myself. I want to be bones, I hate how soft my body is. Then my brain starts working again, I realize that if I go to long, I could end up killing myself (which sometimes doesn't sound that bad. I mean, its not like you feel anything after death, i hope), and I snap out of the pro-ana mindset I'm in.

I need a bit of advice. To others who've crushed there eating disorders, HOW'D YOU DO IT? Something that helped you get past this shallow disease. Links to help sites are more than welcome. This year I want to crush this never-ending diet.

I'd say working out may help especially if you enjoy it and want to gain muscle. If you workout, eating really helps muscle wise and plus I believe it is never good to work out with no calories in your body. Also after you workout you can be hungry and something with a high amount of protein (whether it is a protein shake or a meal with lots of protein) can help out with gaining muscle from that workout. But this is just my opinion and it may not work for everyone.

i haven't beat it. and honestly, i have little intention to. i have been able to make it more manageable, that's about it. PM me for contact info if you'd like to talk, i'm not on here often.

I've had an on again off again ED for six years. Obviously, it's near impossible for me to beat. I lost fifty pounds and now my weight kind of balances out, but if I gain more than a few, I freak the ->-bleeped-<- out. It wasn't until recently when I chipped my tooth-my molar-eating ->-bleeped-<-ing HASHBROWNS that I started to get worried. Well, and whenever I'd puke blood. Working out helps for me, but that can lead quickly into all sorts of other dangerous ->-bleeped-<-. Do you have a counselor or a friend or someone you can talk to?

Quote from: aydan_boy on October 29, 2010, 09:28:17 PM
I tried to restrict myself to a 200 calorie diet or lower a day. 


I can't stand this. No matter what is the real issue with me, be it family or school, it always just ends up in my body issues box. I over eat, I don't eat, I count, recount, calories over and over again. Sometimes i feel like its what my entire world revolves around. I'd rather be dead than fat.

Sometimes I think the reason I don't pass is because I'm too curvy. I want to starve the thighs, the bat wings and the butt off myself. I want to be bones, I hate how soft my body is. Then my brain starts working again, I realize that if I go to long, I could end up killing myself (which sometimes doesn't sound that bad. I mean, its not like you feel anything after death, i hope), and I snap out of the pro-ana mindset I'm in.

I was never anorexic or bulimic, my mother has been bulimic for most of her life because of slow metabolism which runs on her side and this unfortunately has hit me too. I've never eaten too much, but without aerobic exercize I'd be fat (and have been for 3 years because I was too busy with genius school to exercise); I have to eat healthily to stay fit (if I didn't have my metabolism I'd happily be vegetarian but as I am I cannot afford it). This is my advice and/or experience:

it may take a while when you firmly decide to eradicate your eating disorder to completely do it, but it can be done.

• Eat WELL. You are what you eat, so neither eating too little, too much or too bad will do. Try to eat enough proteins, carbohydrates and fat and be careful of where you get them from. Say yes to vegetables, white meat, integral bread and low-fat fish. They are healthy. Try to reduce junk food but if you really crave it you can eat it once in a while.
• When you feel you have eaten too much, don't vomit. You must live with the consequences you have brought on yourself and besides it will only worsen your metabolism in the long run, which is VERY BAD. So it's a very stupid move both for its intended purpose and the way you treat yourself. If you are still worried, you can do some aerobic exercize to burn fat, as long as it doesn't become another neurosis (remember: slow but steady is the key)
• Don't ever kill yourself, no matter the way you choose (by starving or else). You might feel nothing when you're dead (and even that is not certain), but your loved ones won't. That's the worse thing you could do ever.
• When I tried the hardest with passing, I exercised everyday to burn the fat on my thighs and eventually, with carefully chosen clothing, they were passable. Was it worth it? NO! For some stranger to read me as male, yes, it was pleasurable at first, but not something fundamental. After all, if you aren't really FTM, it won't matter, and if you are, you should still be male, no?
• You may feel life is purposeless...and as you think that life goes on and flees away, and you'll never live.
• You must know what the important things in life are. An old "friend" of mine was in the emo scene, he was a classical perfect emo boy for whom many girls had the hots for. But he was so obsessed with his beauty he became close to anorexic in order to mantain his painfully thin image and once said he'd committ suicide if he got too fat or too old. Meanwhile, kids with progeria http://www.progeriaresearch.org/ still live and seem way happier than him.

My disorder is probably eating too much! 

Barbie~~