Things right now are going very good for me. I am working towards going full time.  I have recently come out to some but not all. I am out to my daughter , she is eighteen. She is a great kid and very supportive. Our relationship is better then it very was, and it was good before.

   We live most of the time in a small coastal town in Oregon. We are fairly new to this town . We moved her about three years ago.

   The problem is this. I did not plan to come out to anyone for at least another year or so. And I certainly did not expect to be going full time anytime soon. It wasn't easy, mostly because she is very shy. But my daughter was able to make some friends here. This is her last year in school and I don't want to mess it up for her. The friends she has are good kids, no drugs or drinking, but they all have expressed homophobic views now and then. Honestly I think she would trade then in for new ones if she had the opportunity. Because most times the relationship is very one sided. She is usually the one that puts the effort into the relationship. She's a great kid just very shy so it makes it hard to make new friends. She meets people on " my yearbook" and "my space" but I don't think you can really call them friends. If I do go full time I think she will loose the friends she has and they might even treat her badly when they see her around town.   

   I know I should just 'bite the bullet" and not go full time yet. I feel very selfish to even to consider it. Right now I am playing roulette, I go out sometimes. I know I am pressing my luck. I just get depressed when I can't go out En femme.  If I asked my daughter, she will tell me "it's OK and that she doesn't care if she looses her friends. She just a very giving and considerate person.

    Please don't think I am trying to solicit friends for my daughter here. But I wish I could find people like the ones I have seen here on Susan's. The young people here have shown more maturity and intelligences then I have seen anywhere. Even the depressed and dysphoric young people seem to know more about life and how to be a friend then the kids I have met elsewhere. 

   Any suggestion would be appreciated.

   Thanks, Erocse

Actually I don't think you should as you say it

Quotejust 'bite the bullet" and not go full time yet.

in fact I think your analysis is, if I may say so, at least partly flawed.

A valuable part of growing up is learning the difference between fair-weather friends and the real deal. Another important lesson is the ability to pick friends with whom you truly share values. Because of my unconventional childhood I learned these things at an early age. It means that when I get a true friend I really do value them, because I know just how fickle may people can prove.

I am sure your daughter, who as you say, is supportive, knows that you are not doing this deliberately. She will also learn valuable lessons abut friendship from the way that her current associates handle this. She may even choose to educate them somewhat to be less narrow minded. She will also learn to tell the wheat from the chaff in terms of her friendships which may even save her from being used and let down in her future life. Far from being a disaster this could be a really valuable lesson in life skills.

In short though this could be a challenge, it need not be bad.

If I may suggest, finding friends for your daughter might be a major mistake. By defination, we find our own.

The question erocse, seems to be, will this have a negative effect on your daughter?

I'm sorry, but you should ask yourself.

As Jenny said

QuoteIn short though this could be a challenge, it need not be bad.

Maybe you want to consider not underestimating your daughter - shy does not mean weak.
Just a thought.
Good luck
Kendall

Erocse,
           In high school, which was just a couple years ago for me, I struggled to find friends. I had maybe 20 good friends over those 4 years, if that. The truth is... I would not have changed those friends for the world. Struggling to find them was the best thing that could have happened. The point of my rant is that it might be better for your daughter to make close friends instead of the ones you speak of if they are going to ignore her over something as simple as her mother being transgender.

          My other viewpoint is that I would give up pretty much anything to see my mom not have to live upset or live a lie. She is my world and if your daughter feels the same then she wants you to be yourself and will gladly accept whatever comes. Maybe you should try sitting her down again and just tell her that it would upset you to have her be upset so you want the honest truth on what is best for both of you. If she says she's okay with you going full time then go for it! You're a great parent to be thinking so hard about this Good luck with whatever happens.

Don't underestimate your daughter. For that matter, don't underestimate her friends - they're young, they sometimes say thoughtless things in the abstract, but you might be surprised at how accepting they can be when gay/trans people actually become real and personal to them.

And to be honest I have yet to meet the teenager who'd reject an existing friend because of his/her parents. Small children may do that, or be forced to do it by their own parents, but teens are more independent-minded. (And if their parents try to make them stop hanging out with your daughter because of you, that'll just drive them to rebel against the injustice and hang out with her more)

When I was in high school, I was shy, and many of my friendships were superficial as you describe.  These "friends" and I respected one another, but I think we were mutually aware that we did not share the same values or interests.  I cared a lot more deeply about my parents than I did about these people.  I would have gladly given up these largely insignificant friendships if it meant that one of my parents would be happier.  Perhaps your daughter feels the same way.

 Thank you for your considerate responses. They are ones I didn't except or consider and they are very.  encouraging. I am so grateful to have a place like Susan's. It is so important to our community.

   Thanks so much, guys an dolls.
       Hugs, Erocse

Erocse-

Growing up in a small community I understand where you are coming from. I have quite a few close family members that are gay (including my sister), and I was heckled in high school because people knew that. However, if kids weren't making fun of me for that it would have been something else. Being a teenager isn't easy, and kids aren't nice. However, as Kendall said, don't underestimate the strength of your daughter. If she is anywhere near as intelligent and compassionate as you and Mrs. Erocse are she should be fine.

I also agree with Jenny, as a young adult you must learn to differentiate between friends and fair-weather acquaintances. If someone is willing to put her down or try to make her feel inferior because she loves her family, or because she isn't conforming to their norms, they aren't the kinds of friends she is going to want or need in her life. If my "friends" don't accept my choices or the choices of someone I am close to, I don't care. However, if they can't respect them then that is their issue and I don't need their negativity in my life.

If anything sit down and talk to her. The same as it is important for you to communicate with your partner it is also important that you keep the lines open for her. It seems like you are doing a great job with that! If you feel that you can't go full time because of the effects it may or may not have on her then that is your choice. If you need to compromise, do it in a way that you can both be happy. Otherwise, give it a shot. If she supports you, and you feel that she is being as honest with you as you are being with her go for it! 

In a way your confidence in going FT, and the happiness she will see in you, may cause her to hold her head a little higher and show her how to be proud of who you are. On top of that she is witnessing the unconditional love that you and Mrs. Erocse have- one of the best examples that you could give her as your child.

I know that my suggestions, and the suggestions of others here may not be your final choice. Just so you know though (strictly speaking as a nearly 21 year old girl who is still trying to find my own way) if I was your daughter I would be proud of you. You are doing nothing wrong by choosing to go FT when you are ready. You and Mrs. Erocse are not neglecting your children, nor or you denying them the love they deserve. Whatever you choose, your heart is in the right place, and I am sure that your daughter will understand that.

*Hugs*

Best wishes, Erocse. And do let us know how that goes? 

I dont know if this is an option by try www.meetup.com you will be surprised how many groups of people you will find who meet up on a regular basis so is that an option for you to meet up with other parents of kids who are transgender?

I know it isnt exactly the same but when I was around 12 or 13 my mother came out as lesbian. I was rather embarassed and worried what other people think.
Well it was pretty anti climactic. Yes a few kids did try and tease me over having a gay mom but they were the minority and their chatter was just part of the worlds background noise soon enough.
My real friends (although really bad eggs who got me in a lot of trouble  ) didnt care I had a gay mom. It just was.

@ Erocse:

Hon, everybody gave you such great advice.  Really, I cannot add anything to what they said, for they all said it so well.  All I can say is just keep loving her like you are already doing.  How wonderful that your family has cohesiveness like it does! 

@ Everybody:

Very wise words from all of you.  What a great crew all of you are!   

Yes you are a great crew! Thanks for your time and wisdom.

It's hard to say anything.

All are good advices...

I would suggest to have a serious conversation with you daughter about how she would feel, and how you feel. Serious in the terms, of... speak really freely, as freely as you will ever speak!

And as said... shy is not the same as weak...

and friends come and go... only really good friends stays... and sooner or later she will find out about it... this is as good a excuse as anything else...

Best!