Well, as life would have it I found out today that although I am pretty smart( self assessment based on huge ego) I did not expect to feel what I have felt today. Today was my first ever visit to the therapist. Driving to the appointment all sort of emotions stirred up in my head, I kept on telling my self, "get a grip, you've been on this road for nearly two years, have experienced being out in public have been involved in discussions on the forum have a website with astonishing visitor and followers count and yet you feel like a kid on the first day of preschool"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh girl, I was shaking.
I walked through the doors to the waiting room, no one there, on the doors leading to the office hang a sign "IN SESSION". The building sits adjacent to the church in the back of the property and apparently there was no one around except for the patient inside. I sat down and waited. Few minutes have passed, the door opened and this cute girl with colored hair came rushing out and disappeared through the exit doors. Inside the room stood a small silhouette of a woman. She is a hug-able, cuddly 50ish lady of petite disposition and PhD on the wall. Gender specialist involved in the field since it was discovered. She greeted me handed an application and sat me down on a comfy swivel reclining chair. On the application questions such as do you use sugar, alcohol, caffeine struck me as odd but there got to be some connection between sugar and spice :-)
We started to chat, she said that initially we will be allover the place as it always is and then we shall settle into more of a systematic nitpicking I suppose. We talked about my mom, her pregnancy, conditions during pregnancy, about my sis and how we relate and differences/similarities between us.
Astonishing was the fact when she enlightened me to the newest scientific numbers available as to the gender dysphoric occurrence in population. One in 700-1000 is afflicted with some form of gender identity dysphoria including M2F and F2M.
Then she asked me to turn to face the mirror and tell her whom do I see in the reflection, Duhhhh............."Dr I do it everyday and still see a guy"
She went on to describe this disconnect and emphasized the importance of allowing possibility that I may look very feminine despite what I am letting my self to see.
She went on to describe the mechanisms behind human observation and quite interestingly said that woman get attention from both females and males where males get mostly attention from females and only occasionally from other gay males. So the exposure factor grows in female mode. She pointed out my height of 6' and said that society sees tall woman as aether an athlete or a model. We went on to discuss few more topics and the time was soon up. I hugged her and went on my way out. Ever since leaving the premises I started to feel overwhelming sensation of calm. Sort of justification of sorts you can only get from your parent, I didn't expect this to happen. As I said at the beginning of this thread, I may be smart but I don't know everything and as the girls here have been suggesting for ever, this was one of the best decisions of my transition to date.
