I'm six months post-op and am finding that I'm struggling a bit.  I realize that I am far better off than many, but that knowledge doesn't seem to help.  I think these are my issues:

I told myself over and over that transition would not solve all of my problems, and it didn't.  I knew that I wouldn't be transformed – that I would be pretty much the same but free to live as a woman.  This has been true, but for some reason I thought my life would be more different.  (Yes, I'm happier, more stable, friendlier, more open, etc., but for better or worse I'm still me. )

I never thought I would make a passable woman, but I do.  I never thought I would be more than homely, but I can be moderately attractive.  Still, I'd love to be prettier and have a more feminine shape and all that.  I'd be happy to be a woman of 40, but I know that will never happen.  Even though I'm doing far better than I'd dared to hope, I'm having trouble adjusting.

All the swelling and aches are gone.  The area between my legs feels more like just another part of my body than it did.  I haven't had an orgasm yet although I've come close, and I often dribble when I pee.  I love my new configuration, but I had hoped that it would be easier to operate.

I love my little house and living alone, but sometimes I miss a partner – someone to share my life with and talk to about mundane things, someone to take care of and be taken care of by.  I have lots of friends and talk to them, but that's different.  I was married for half of my life.  Some of it was really nice but some was really awful.  I tell myself that I should enjoy my freedom and I do, but sometimes...

And that scares me.  I'm not a young woman.  My body is not all that attractive, with my small breasts and aging body and the remnants of having been male.  I am a widow with a grown daughter but have never been with a man.  I am essentially a virgin.  Yikes!

I have a complicated background, some of which was built up because I was nominally male.  I didn't live through those things as a woman.  Sometimes I have trouble talking to people other than friends.  I can translate a lot of my history, but the sheer bulk of it as male seems to weigh me down.

Thanks for reading.  I feel stupid for complaining when I know so many struggle with far bigger issues.   But it helps me to write this stuff down.

- Kate

Writing things down does help.  Its a lot better than keeping things in and having worse depression.  I understand and appreciate every one of your thoughts.

kate.

Thank you as well. I really appreciate the trust you have, to share these inner feelings.

Each of these feelings is part of you, your own experiences, your own life. In time, as you have done so so often with other problems, you will learn to come to terms with these.

The final stage in your recovery, in anyone's recovery, coming to terms with your own limitations. The final stage in your recovery process. Then you can start to live.

Take care precious Kate.

I know what you mean Kate. I have been facing many of the issues you wrote about as well. I wish I had something helpful to say but I don't, all I can say is that you aren't alone. I know that you are a strong woman Kate and I have no doubt that you'll resolve most of those issues (I say 'most' rather than 'all' because you were right about one thing; you can't go back to 40) to your satisfaction before it's all over... then you can tell me so I can do it too! 

Dr Day diagnoses post project blues.

You arrived, it's done, all that effort comes to an end, and now we face the question what now, and at the same  time you also face the realisation that even though you got there, life goes on and the challenges don't end.

Just remember that life is full of surprises. Never make the mistake of assuming that something won't or can't happen. It sometimes happens in a way that you didn't expect, but trust me on this all things are possible to those who believe.

So you are a virgin - all the more attractive and flattering to the lucky man (or woman) who gets the privilege of unspoilt goods.

And don't worry about feeling anxious or complaining even those few of us who have been luck enough to live the majority of our lives in our correct gender can still have our what ifs and if onlys so you wouldn't be human if you didn't have the occasional moment of anxt! It's quite normal.

Hi Kate,

Quote from: K8 on November 08, 2010, 02:41:48 PM


I told myself over and over that transition would not solve all of my problems, and it didn't.  I knew that I wouldn't be transformed – that I would be pretty much the same but free to live as a woman.  This has been true, but for some reason I thought my life would be more different.  (Yes, I'm happier, more stable, friendlier, more open, etc., but for better or worse I'm still me. )

I too made sure that this was ingrained prior to my surgery.  I'm much happier and much more tolerant to negativity than I was before, although it (the negativity that's prominent in big cities ) still gets me down at times.  Some days are good, some days not so good.  Sometimes people treat me well and sometimes people don't--today was one of those.

I'm not sure why, but I do get noticed more.  At times from seemingly well adjusted people, mainly females who smile and acknowledge me and, at other times, by creepy men who oogle me up and down as well as strange, brooding women who stare at me intensely without expression.  For some reason I'm more able to tolerate this now than I was before.

Quote
I never thought I would make a passable woman, but I do.  I never thought I would be more than homely, but I can be moderately attractive.  Still, I'd love to be prettier and have a more feminine shape and all that.  I'd be happy to be a woman of 40, but I know that will never happen.  Even though I'm doing far better than I'd dared to hope, I'm having trouble adjusting.

I'm with you here.  Me?  Passable?  I guess so.  I mean, no one has referred to me as sir or dude for a very long time.  Attractive?  I'm not sure.  If I was attractive, one would think that I would have at least one person interested enough or brave enough to ask me out, but no one has.  I will say this, though--I like what I see in the mirror and in my photos whereas I didn't before.  I work hard on my body and that is my saving grace--still, I've lived in Toronto for six years and I haven't even had so much as a meaningful conversation with another human being.

Quote
All the swelling and aches are gone.  The area between my legs feels more like just another part of my body than it did.  I haven't had an orgasm yet although I've come close, and I often dribble when I pee.  I love my new configuration, but I had hoped that it would be easier to operate.

No aches, just swelling--but everything seems to be falling into place at just two months.  I'm beginning to understand what people mean when they say that it is feeling more and more like a part of their body--eventhough the clitoris still feels like a perma-erection and can be quite irritating at times.  I have orgasmed--Sunday to be exact--and that gives me the comfort in knowing that everything works as intended.  My urine stream is straight when seated but, if I have to hover ala public restrooms, it sprays.    But, like you, I too am loving every minute of it.

Quote
I love my little house and living alone, but sometimes I miss a partner – someone to share my life with and talk to about mundane things, someone to take care of and be taken care of by.  I have lots of friends and talk to them, but that's different.  I was married for half of my life.  Some of it was really nice but some was really awful.  I tell myself that I should enjoy my freedom and I do, but sometimes...

I too love living alone, but I do wish I owned rather than rented.  As for a partner?  Well you can never miss what you've never had.  You are very fortunate to have a network of friends to talk with and who accept you--I have no one.

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And that scares me.  I'm not a young woman.  My body is not all that attractive, with my small breasts and aging body and the remnants of having been male.  I am a widow with a grown daughter but have never been with a man.  I am essentially a virgin.  Yikes!

Scares me too, Kate.  That is why I probably work so hard at keeping myself fit--not for vanity but for the assurance that I will be able to take care of myself as I age.  I've pretty much resided myself to living the rest of my life as a virgin.

Quote
I have a complicated background, some of which was built up because I was nominally male.  I didn't live through those things as a woman.  Sometimes I have trouble talking to people other than friends.  I can translate a lot of my history, but the sheer bulk of it as male seems to weigh me down.

I have no trouble talking to people since the surgery.  The problem I have is finding anyone who is willing to reciprocate.

Quote
Thanks for reading.  I feel stupid for complaining when I know so many struggle with far bigger issues.   But it helps me to write this stuff down.

Don't feel stupid, Kate.  You are a beautiful human being with a beautiful soul. 

Surgery in my head, wasn't much more than a haircut. If I wasnt happy with myself before surgery, I'd feel the same afterwards. But then, I lived full time for 20 years before surgery.

Knowing who you are is the most important thing. Easy to type, but hard to know.
Each of us, given another day to live, strive to perfect who we are, whether we know that or not.
I know how I reacted to something yesterday, and how that reaction affected others, for good and bad.
Today, I could try to correct the poor response, and tomorrow, strive to handle similar situations better.

You sound at a loss of direction. You know who you are, but unsure of tomorrow. Thats a challenge for every one, not just us.

Hi K8, Even though I have yet to have SRS, I long for that day and I want you to know that you are an inspiration to me. I read and appreciate all that you have to say here, I think you are witty and would be a lot of fun to be around, AND you get bonus points for riding a motorcycle! I also think it would be a very fortunate individual indeed who gets to spend quality time with you. Hold your head high and know that We Love You, Dear One!
Randi

Kate,
You have your head screwed on straight in my book!  I am not post op yet, but I know many of the feelings you are talking about in some ways. I won't ever pass well at all,  not as good as you are I am sure.  Congratulations on your progress, you are an inspiration to many!  You have come a long way.  Way to go sister!
Hugs,
Amelia

Kate,

No our problems don't disappear when we transition, they just become clearer because we see them as our true selves.  But you now have a new kind of life to enjoy.  Women our age may not be supermodels, but there is some one looking for us.  And you will find that person, dear sister.

Kate you are so great to share. I am sorry that you are feeling down. It is human to succumb to those feelings at times.

Quote from: rejennyrated on November 08, 2010, 05:03:13 PM

Just remember that life is full of surprises. Never make the mistake of assuming that something won't or can't happen. It sometimes happens in a way that you didn't expect, but trust me on this all things are possible to those who believe.

Rejenneyrated said it, and is right.   

Erosce and I enjoy reading your posts. You are smart and considerate. Thanks for all the support you have given us.
We are wishing for you good things and happy days.

Quote from: Janet Lynn on November 08, 2010, 07:45:30 PM
Women our age may not be supermodels, but there is some one looking for us.  And you will find that person, dear sister.

Listen to Janet, hon. There are a lot of men out there of a certain age who don't want the young things. And even some younger guys too. And like Jenny noted, I think your virginity will make some guy feel special. And in some ways, as a new woman, you have a lot more fresh youthful energy than other women.

I understand where you're coming from. I too have a bit of post-project blues like Jenny said. It's like my whole life led up to this point, and life was on hold for me in many ways and now here it is, it's all done. Feels sort of unreal. I'm like Bambi coming into the world on wobbly legs again.

Hi Kate....

Yep winter blues.... can catch all of us out! I'm still having problems (minor) with a wound heal time on my rear.... and am back on Augmentin... for now.

Meanwhile I'm juggling next and final trip to take me through to ma happy-clappie 60's..... with a final surgery....much like twenty or so years ago.... i did a load back-to-back then that was it. Finito... Where a bursts of activity led me to a much better way of life....

Cept then healing was a hell of a lot faster!

I'm also trying to fit in managea long-term relationship, and changing careers too, so no peace for the wicked sums up my current situation.... and tis stressful for sure.

But if I'm feeling at all low, the gym is the place I find my solace.... so I stick the iPod ear-bits in... and go work slugg it all out for an hour or two.... free Endorphins and toning what a great combo..... 

And when I was fed up of being single (solo) some years back... with too much lone time-out evenings I simply joined a few select (straight) dating sites.... and did a month or so on all... and contacted the chaps I liked the look of and was well matched with - most responded! And many I met.... till one stood out..... we clicked and still date.

But I didn't wait passively for this to happen....self-starting in the end creates better luck than waiting....

So work on that.... it will bring results I promise!

(And chin-up lovely..... you will make someone very happy, for sure)

Thank you for all of your kind replies.  It really helps to know others go through this, too.

I think the main problem is that somehow I thought that it would all be over once I had surgery and healed.  The big push of transition is over, but I'm still figuring out who I am.  All of my life I've wanted to be a woman, but I thought I would never have the opportunity.  Even going into surgery it seemed too wonderful to be true and that something would happen to prevent it.  I never planned for this part of my life.

Thank you for your support.  It means a lot to me.  

(And I'll let you know if I manage to hunt down Mr. Wonderful. )

- Kate

I find myself a bit down when I'm not around people.  You might try joining a group or trying something new.  Local colleges often have some interesting evening classes.  I enjoy yoga.  Maybe plan a trip? 

Quote from: K8 on November 09, 2010, 07:33:37 AM
Thank you for all of your kind replies.  It really helps to know others go through this, too.

I think the main problem is that somehow I thought that it would all be over once I had surgery and healed. 

Yes Kate, many of us do go through this--more so than will freely admit to it--but I think the real problem lies within those who embellish their lives which makes many of us feel small, insignificant and useless.

I was talking to Erocse and suggested you were down. She and I both know how important you are to the transgendered community. You are well spoken and a good example to us all. Life can be filled with ups and downs. After being so up about transitioning I imagine down is an inevitable feeling. Then leveling off, only to go up again. It seems to me that is how the roller coaster of life goes. I hope the morning is good and the new day brings you up. I hope someday we have the priveledge of meeting you too.

Quote from: K8 on November 09, 2010, 07:33:37 AM
Thank you for your support.  It means a lot to me.  

(And I'll let you know if I manage to hunt down Mr. Wonderful. )

- Kate

And if he has a brother...

-Sandy

Hi Kate
Don't worry girl, I think everyone will have such a period in live after transition.
You know, all the time there was one goal, to force the surgeon to take his knife and make you a woman.
Now the goal is achieved you are looking for a way to make sense to your live.
It will take some time, it took several years to become a woman and it will takes some time to get use to your new life.
I have had that time also after transition, all the time of transition I had a back-up from my therapist in the gender center to lead me on the road to transition.
After surgery I was on my own and it was feeling a bit lonely.
But time goes by and I was getting used to my new life. In the beginning I was thinking "do I am passable" but after a few years you don't even think about it.
Take your rest and cry once and a while, after all you've been in an emotional rollercoaster for such a long time.
And when you think you have rested and cryed enough the good life will start and you will be suprised what kind of opportunities there are in life.
In the mean time you'll have my support, it's a long distance in miles between us but very close in thoughts

love
annette

Post-project let down.   

Time to find something new to focus on.  A new hobby, join a book club, something that gets you out there living life as Kate.

FWIW I'm in the same boat. Even before transition, every few years I get very restless and feel the need to move on to something else.  I'm way past that time, mostly because I was distracted these past few years with 'the transition project.'  Now that that is all done, the boredom has surfaced again and I need to find something to do.

So, I planned an impromptu trip to meet someone new, planned a vacation after Christmas, am looking for a new job that will get me closer to my ultimate goal of being able to do volunteer work, etc.

I think your issues have nothing to do with your being trans/having transitioned, but that you now need to find another focus.  As the cruise lines and Nike say, Just get out there!  Just do it!


Jay