In reading many of your posts I find myself feeling compassionate because so many feel alone. In getting to know Erocse better,  seeing so much of her recently that I did not know,(even if we had been together for so long); I realize that she was alone for a long time with this information. It has made me look at people around me and see that, in fact,  each one of us is alone in our own head. What we choose to share or let people see is only a part of us. Essentially we are alone. A person may be famous with vasts amount of money or a poorly beggar on the street but we are alone in our own minds. Knowing this fact, gives you common ground with the famous person or the beggar. It is a fact. We don't know what insecurities, demons, or drives anyone else has. ( Unless they share) Yet we can be confident in the fact that everyone has them. So when you are feeling down or insecure, the person next to you may not have the same baggage but they do have their own.

The awesome part about Susan's is the sharing. By sharing your journey here you are no longer alone and there are so many with common ground. Now you have family and friends. Again I will thank all of you for sharing!

What a profound post-

I'm intimately familiar with loneliness. It's an emotion, like fear or anger, that is hard to observe. I find myself running from my loneliness toward to company of others that might be able to relate. There is always grasping for the empathy of others to somehow externally cure our human condition, which is suffering.

But look at this impossible task! Here we are, fascinated by this indescribably complex and simple awareness of existence. We cannot help but talk and describe the infinite spectrum of our observational existence with the minute, finite, and terribly inadequate structure of human language.

But each moment we are given the chance to observe. Observe! Look how these emotions, sensations arise, only to fall away. Why become attached to an emotion or sensation when it is so ephemeral?

This is where it becomes difficult. We are attached to our suffering! We run from pain towards pleasure!

Observe without judgment and the label of "negative" or "positive" emotions drop away, leaving them to be experienced. Just sensation. Look! They arise to fall away. They arise to fall away.

Annitcha!

A long time ago lonliness was a way of life for me-then someone came along and took me out of that world-my wife who does love me. She doesn't understand what I go thru and says she doesn't want to but I question that. I can only hope that we can eventually be as close as you two are. I have fears of exposing too much information to her because I am afraid that she couldn't bear it. As I have said in some of my other posts- I am still subject to my own fears and insecurities. Your level of honesty I really appreciate and thank you for!
Randi

I can so relate to the loneliness.  I have be alone most of my life.

Being alone gets to be a way of life.  A soul sucking way of life.  Going through transition is slowly reversing that soul suckness.  But I never really thought about it the way you have put it forth.

Thank You for sharing Mrs. E.

I have always been alone and still feel alone in some ways, I am glad for this forum, it's one of the very few places I have that offers support. I have friends here as well and that helps in its own way. I thank you for your post.

I feel very alone right now. For many years I was alone with my secret. Then I let my wife of 15 years and just about everyone else we know the secret I had been carrying for so many years. I definitely feel closer to my sisters and other friends as they now know that part of me. However, it has estranged me from my wife. We still care for each other and live together for the time being. No animosity. Most people can't tell anything has changed between us, but at home, where we were most intimate, it has changed. She filed for divorce last week, so I will be on my own for the first time in my life. She says I am free to do what I need to do. To me it just seems scary and lonely. Maybe even abandonment. I have never even kissed anyone besides her. I wish we could have had the love you two seem to have. Ours couldn't survive my need to transition.

I am really sorry Melody. I love Erosce.  I would regret giving up Erosce, a perfect companion for the unknown? How could that be promising or good?  Some people leave because they don't want to be percieved as different. The fact is we are all different. In some way, somehow we are. The times are changing and media and people are much more open about these things. I believe it is my destiny to be Erosce's wife. I would not want to side step destiny and miss the boat. I spoke to Sandy today and we talked about how being on the right track feels so good. It does feel good to stand up for yourself and others who deserve it.  I look forward to being more than the person I was. I think of this as an opportunity to help the world around me grow and help myself grow as well. I believe the world is a bit archaic and that the more of us that stay together, the faster the road gets paved for acceptance.  If your wife would like to talk I would be happy to listen and share in hopes of helping. Has she participated with you on Susan's?   You can send me a message if you would like. Keep us posted. Again I am sorry.

It breaks my heart to hear how scared and secluded my SO has felt throughout his life. He is one of the most courageous people I have ever known. His shyness stems so much from his GID, and I am glad he is confronting it now. I love him more than words can describe, and I can't imagine feeling such a loneliness within myself.

I just want to give every single person on here a hug. You each deserve it for the courage and support you offer everyday!

Hugs & Love!

Jackie

Mrs. Erocse, you are very sweet. Thank you for the offer. While I do think you may have a point about not wanting to be different, she also fears me becoming a straight woman and leaving her. She also cannot see herself being intimate with a woman. I wish I could tell her I won't become attracted to men, but many have experienced that happening to them. I can't do much about her lack of attraction for women. I wish it were otherwise. But again, thank you.

yes I'm alone now and almost always have been, i know what it's like. might as well say I've always been really isolated and alone. raised myself psychologically because my dad wasn't that interested in being a dad and my mom wasn't emotionally available. even with my first girlfriend we never saw each other because we live in 2 different areas of the state. all my fellow trans-guy friends are all in different states, other areas of the state, or in Canada and i can't hang out with them in person, all this on top of my job sucking to high heaven it makes for a very lonely depressing life so I'm glad for Susan's place and a couple other sites so i can connect with other transgendered people at least only digitally is better than nothing.

sadly i hardly ever see or hear about couples that stay together after the husband or wife transitions or tells of wanting to transition for reasons that have already been mentioned above. I'm sorry to hear about you and your wife Melody

Quote from: Melody on November 11, 2010, 09:07:33 PM
Mrs. Erocse, you are very sweet. Thank you for the offer. While I do think you may have a point about not wanting to be different, she also fears me becoming a straight woman and leaving her. She also cannot see herself being intimate with a woman. I wish I could tell her I won't become attracted to men, but many have experienced that happening to them. I can't do much about her lack of attraction for women. I wish it were otherwise. But again, thank you.

Melody,
I have followed your posts. I can only say , as so many have said already, I am truly sorry to hear your wife will not be staying.

  Mrs Erocse had, and sometimes still has, the same concerns as your wife does. In fact last night after your post she was inspired to question me about the same issues. Luckily she has allotted me the opportunity to show her my devotion.

   Today most marriages do not last, let alone one with a partner that has revealed themselves to be transgender. If either spouses stay together for the wrong reasons , the marriage will be unbearable, and eventually end. If however the marriage can end amicably. You may just end up with a wonderful best friend. As is the case with allot of late transitions. This is what I hope for you, to come out of this feeling good. Because you are, as well as your wife maybe, a good person.

   Last week I was panicked over the thought of loosing so many of my family, that I have been close to. I was worried about being lonely. I know I have my wife and kids. But I felt like there was going to be this huge void in my life. But I now am feeling like because of the newly created void. I have will have so much more room in  my life for new friends and adventures.

   Here is my saying, but I wish you to have it.

   (My cloud does have a silver lining. It's just a bit tarnished at the moment. Nothing a little polish can't fix.)

     Hugs an best wishes, Erocse

Noah I am thinking of you and wishing you a good day too. I wish I had all of the answers. Is it  possible to plan to move to the part of the state where your girlfriend lives? Or vice versa?
**HUGS**
I will be looking forward to reading your posts.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Erocse

Thank you Erocse. I have every reason to believe that my wife and I will be good friends. I was a bit blind-sided by the divorce because until then she had said that she would give it time to see where it goes. She seemed to change her mind overnight. Be that as it may, things are proceeding in a friendly manner.

Quote from: Janet Lynn on November 11, 2010, 07:00:07 PM
I can so relate to the loneliness.  I have be alone most of my life.

Being alone gets to be a way of life.  A soul sucking way of life.  Going through transition is slowly reversing that soul suckness.  But I never really thought about it the way you have put it forth.

Thank You for sharing Mrs. E.

I have to second this.

I'm currently battling a bout of severe loneliness, but I have a few wonderful IRL friends who are helping me and it's really awesome to have them to help me through this time.  After months of being almost totally alone, at least outside of a school setting, I'm starting to overcome this.  I'm also feeling more comfortable with myself now because I'm able to present more as myself.

Anyway, thank you so much for posting this!

I've had the loneliness issue for a long time.  The extreme social anxiety I experience doesn't help.

Thank-u Mrs Erocse for that post. Not many wives are as u are. Reading ur post was at a good time for me. Last night was one of those nights with zero sleep. Fear and feeling alone surrounded me all night. Although so similar, still every situation can be different. My wife, as u know, just lost her mom, and  she feels as though she has lost her husband. She's a wonderful person and has pretty much always supported me with my G I D. But has her moments, and thats
the case right now. Not sure what's next, but time will tell..

Mrs. Erocse:

That is such an insightful statement.  Both my "daughter" Christa, and I lost people close to us due to suicide.  Neither left any note.  And all we can do is speculate as to why, and still feel like we missed something that could have helped.

We did not, nor can we ever now, know what darkness was within them that drove them to this terrible act.  They, as you said and like we all are, alone inside our own heads. 

You also mentioned something in our conversation that stuck with me as well.  "Be kind to yourself".  That which is within our craniums is all we will ever have, so be nice to yourself.

Thank you for that.

-Sandy

A very timely post because the holiday season is when many people feel lonely. In the LGBT community is even more prominent. Whatever we can do to make the holidays less lonely, we need to do it. I reflect on many many things and am thankful for so many good things in my life.

Gennee

Found on PostSecret. Says it all really.

oh gosh! woops i meant my first gf but i broke up with her about early august and haven't talked to her since. we were kind of on and off, her being confused, terrified of commitment, i think it had a lot to do with being raised in a really religious background and the whole "being gay is a sin" she actually told me she agrees that she's going to hell....seriously. but she really started distancing herself after only a month or 2 after getting back together february, never calling, e-mailing, answering her phone or returning my calls because she was "too busy" and in may, gave her the money for a chest binder because i was too afraid to buy it online myself, she kept saying she would but never did and i never got that money back. she'd even get real pissy when i asked her for the money back, she either loved pulling me along, being manipulative only to hurt or dissapoint me later or she really did have good intentions but had waaay too many problems, oh well I'm never seeing her or talking to her again anyway. good riddance, lol

so that was just example what it was like while we were still a couple. adding it to the other sad parts of my life. oops