Hi all.

How do you correct someone who misgendered you when you just met and whom you're going to be working with?

I just met this lady and we seemed to hit off until she identified me as 'she' to someone else. I know it's an honest mistake but I didn't correct her then and I'm not sure how to rectify the situation. Should I just wait until she refers me to in the wrong way again? I don't want to bring it up out of the blue. And what do I say? (I don't think I've ever corrected anybody as to my gender before). Do I just interject 'he' or 'him'? Or do I say 'actually, I'm a guy?' How would a non trans person handle this? I'd rather do it in a way that doesn't make it obvious I'm trans. And I don't want to make her feel bad or think about it too much. So, how do you do it without making the other person feel bad or making it obvious you're trans?

I thought about saying 'it happens all the time' but would that sound suspicious?

I'd pretend I didn't hear the first time she said it and wait until she does it again and just say "he" or "him."

Or if you hear her refer to you as she you can go "who are you talking about?" and if she says you look at her like she's gone crazy.

The first time, I just let it go like I didn't hear it.

The second time, I ask something like "Are you talking about me?" And if the person says yes, I look at them like they're a little crazy, and say something like "I'm...not a she." They typically fall all over themselves to apologize.

I usually go with what Osiris and Kyril said. If not I just get an innocently confused look when it happens and say "she?" Usually the person looks me up and down then acts embarrassed and corrects themselves.

Essentially the same.

If you bluntly correct her there and then, you will likely put her back up and possibly get some grief from the other person.

If, later, when you're both alone, you might say something like, ' By the way, I heard you say she back there, Probably just a slip of the tongue, but I'm a he.' Followed by a quick smile.

Being non-trans, I might actually have some intelligent input! If I slipped up, I'd want to know sooner rather than later. It's just in your presentation is all. If you're discreet and polite you should haveno trouble. Most people will be embarrassed at learning they've misgendered someone- you can't protect 'em from that. Since the moment has passed you're prudent to wait until it occurs again before correcting her.   

personally, i'm really shy about correcting people, so i tend to not do it unless i'm going to see them again.
usually, i just say, i'm actually male and prefer male pronouns... i've never had someone second guess me, even when i didn't pass very well.
i've also found that people apologize profusely when they've used the incorrect pronoun... people don't want to create social awkwardness.

I'm still adjusting to correcting people, so not much advice. But I do have a story... the first time I did was with a waiter who had been calling my mom and I "ladies" a few visits in a row. One time we visited, he wasn't waiting on us, and he still came over to see how us "ladies" were doing. I should have corrected him before, but that time it reached peak irritation for me. When he next walked by I raised a finger and said, "Excuse me sir? I'm not a lady." I managed to do this in the most feminine tone of voice possible, making me wince and turn a bit red, and my wrist became limp partway through. Overall giving an enormously female impression, at the very least flamboyantly gay. He'd seen me on days I doubted my passing. And guess what? He didn't question it. He apologised, walked on, and later corrected himself when he used the wrong pronoun. Minimum awkwardness.

Lesson learned: people are going to assume you know what bits and pieces you have, and that there's no reason for you to lie and mildly embarrass both you and the other person. Cis-people have the same problem sometimes, it just happens. And that's basically what you can say if they seem flustered - "don't worry, it happens."

Nero,
Just take her aside and tell her nicely that your a guy. That the best way.
She will feel embarrassed enough now, so don't postpone it.
If you do she will wonder why you didn't correct her.
That's mine opinion anyway.
Jillieann

If it's fleeting due to quick conversation or similar, I let it go the first time. Otherwise I politely say, "I'm a he, actually" and smile, or, "I'm not a ma'am, actually, I'm a sir" if it's a commerce situation. Half the time I'm inwardly fuming but outwardly I am always polite and friendly to people about this.

I do feel it's important to catch, though. I'm still in school so this is not a comparable workplace story, but in one of my classes this semester I was referred to as she/her a few times by one of the students and did not correct it at that time. And it SPREAD in that class. At one point after I was speaking and making a point, another student followed up and referred back to my comment and used she/her, which the teacher then also used. At that point all I could do was speak up and say, "I'm a dude, actually" in as friendly a manner as I could, but having to do that in front of the whole class was kind of daunting. (The student then apologized and was clearly very embarrassed, and I said it was cool)

Anyway, I'm trying to say that if you don't catch this kind of thing immediately, it will continue and other people will start to do it, and it's just ugh.

I interject with "he" or "him" until it sticks.

For random strangers or someone I just met, usually an 'excuse me' in a guy's voice is all it takes, or a simple, she? I'm a guy works.   Those that mis-gender you might be picking up on something subtle, but nothing that doesn't happen to similarly built cis-males.

That said, there is a client I've seen twice now at work.  Gender neutral name (used mostly for males but could easily be used for females, and is a nickname for a female name).  When I speak to this masculine appearing person, I think she, because to me this person looks and dresses like a butch lesbian and has some feminine mannerisms.  Everyone else at work uses male pronouns and have never even questioned the gender of this individual.  I do wonder but won't ask.  Maybe I'm seeing stuff because I'm trans; maybe this individual is trans, maybe he's just a guy with some feminine mannerisms.  If I had to use pronouns I'd probably use male ones, and see if I were corrected.

Jay

Quote from: Seven on November 16, 2010, 07:58:14 AM
With most people, I don't bother. The opinions of random peons I'll only ever meet once don't matter to me because there's been no time to establish if the person is intelligent enough for his/her opinion to be worth notice.

I sort of agree with this statement, though I tend to leave it up to the beholder. I'm not picky about pronouns and I sorta feel like I'm above labeling myself.

A while back, I was able to correct a couple of people nonconfrontationally, by referring to myself as a guy or by using male pronouns to refer to myself. Sometimes you don't get a good opportunity, but it's great when it works.

I had one or two students in my class who were misgendering me, and I had to do some grammar instruction one day, on pronouns. So I used myself as the example and used "he" and "him" and "his." I was about two and a half months on T and had started teaching that class when I was about six weeks in, so there was a lot of confusion about me. I think I managed to swing a couple of those students over to the right pronouns, although I still had a couple who just didn't get it, even after I rubbed their noses in it.

Or, once, a cashier told another employee that she was about to ring me up--she used the female pronoun while I stared off into space and pretended not to hear--and she turned to me and asked me if I would mind waiting while she looked something up. I said something like "Sure, I'm a patient man."

Once I had to take my car in for servicing last year and had called the service desk on the phone--or maybe I was talking to AAA by telephone, I don't remember now--and the representative asked me for an account number or a phone number or something and looked me up in the computer. I could swear that he asked me if I was Ms. Arch, and I pretended to mishear him. I said, "Yeah, this is Mr. Arch." Worked like a charm. He called me "sir" after that.

You might be able to think of a couple of possibilities in advance, just in case the opportunity presents itself.

I really don't know how cis people react when they are misgendered. My ex was read as a girl a couple of times--he was very young-looking and kind of femmy--and he would just look amused until the person heard him speak and made a correction. But those were casual encounters with strangers, not people he was going to work with. So I just don't know.

I think everyone has practically said the same thing for me... though non mentioned much about how one feels.

When I get called "she" I get flaming mad. And put on the spot. If I'm with someone (esp my mate) and I correct the person, I feel flustered, like I'm being judged by the person I'm with (my mate has reprimanded me for always correcting).
I don't know, I just feel really agitated because it happens all the damn time. Even now with a deeper voice and all, I still get called "ma'am" and "she" and I just want to explode and start punching people (I do have anger management issues).

I normally say "he" when they say "she" or something, but I'm usually ignored. Pretty much just ... yeah. Anger.

If it's someone who knows me and they don't correct themselves I politely correct them with the proper pronoun. Sometimes people don't get it though, and I have to take drastic measures. One classmate did this 3 times within a minute, being corrected each time, so I shouted out "SHE!" firmly and loudly to make it clear that I was not impressed by his behavior.

If it's someone I don't know I politely let them know that I'm a woman, in which they usually apologize for their error.

So, Nero, do you have a follow-up report about this coworker? I'm very interested to hear how things are going.

Me too Nero.
What's up with the coworker thing?