Hi everybody,

I am new to this forum and want to explain a little bit more about myself. I am a full grown man, living in the Netherlands. So please don't bother if I use wrong english grammar/words.

Why did I register to this forum?

I can't remember having problems with my gender as a kid. I did dress up as a girl maybe once or twice, but I think every boy does that. I didn't play with dolls, I played with cars. But since the age of 5 I have been bullied because I have different hair colour, because I am different? At that time I couldn't cope with it.. I couldn't say it to my parents, because I was ashamed of myself.

In the puberty, I have never looked and searched for my own identity. I never wanted to look inside, afraid that I would be bullied again. Nowadays, I really have problems, I say issues, with my identity. What do I want, whom am I, that kinds of stuff.

Now I come to the part why I registered to this forum. The more I like inside, the more I try to look for my identity.. The more I realize that I identify myself with girly things. For example, I look to other girls cloths, to other girls.. and I feel jealous. I hate buying male clothes. I hate buying clothes.. These feelings do confuse me. Furthermore, I want to be friends with other females.. in a friendly way. But it is not accepted because I am male. Some weeks ago I started removing body hair and it feels very good. I have another perception of my own body.

I am looking for myself and I could use a hand. I am interested what other people have to say, what their experiences are.

Greetings

Welcome to the site Veck  It's good to have you here. This forum is a great place to read around and learn other peoples experiences. I look forward to reading your future posts

Welcome aboard.  You will find lots of friends and good information here. 
One good thing about being in Europe is that you are only a short trip from Paris, Berlin, London, etc. Lots of opportunity to be yourself in places where no-one knows you until you feel comfortable.
Here I am 2 hours drive from the closest major city.

Sandra

Hi Veck
First of all I have to welcome you.
The feelings you have are very recognizible for me.
I had my operation 25 years ago.
I've also been bullied, because I was different too.
I'm also living in The Netherlands and if you want to do, you can mail me with all your questions, hope's and fears.
My mailadress is noticed in my profile, so you can write in Dutch.
If you need adresses, phonenumbers or anything for help in The Netherlands I will be glad to help you.
Do''t be shaming or blaming yourselves for your feelings but feel free to explore them.

love and hugs
annette

Hi Veck,

Welcome to our little family. Over 4100 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
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Hugs and Love,
Janet

Quote from: annette on November 13, 2010, 10:56:37 AM
Hi Veck
First of all I have to welcome you.
The feelings you have are very recognizible for me.
I had my operation 25 years ago.
I've also been bullied, because I was different too.
I'm also living in The Netherlands and if you want to do, you can mail me with all your questions, hope's and fears.
My mailadress is noticed in my profile, so you can write in Dutch.
If you need adresses, phonenumbers or anything for help in The Netherlands I will be glad to help you.
Do''t be shaming or blaming yourselves for your feelings but feel free to explore them.

love and hugs
annette

Thanks everybody for the understanding and friendly replies. It was a bit troubled how people would react on my post.

Annette, I would really appreciate it if I can mail you in dutch with my questions, emotions and findings. I can manage myself quite good in English, but sometimes I find it hard so say exactly what I really mean. As I am still new to this forum, i am not allowed to look at profiles yet. But I think I will be able soon :-)

I think I will open a new topic somewhere in the forum to give my thoughts, emotions and questions a defined place.

See you!

Hi Veck
Yes I know whar you mean, for me English is also a foreingh language and It is very hard to express yourselve properly. Sorry, I've forgotten that you can't view my profile.
If you want to mail use the following adres  annette8254@live.nl
Please feel free to write, I'm looking forward to it

hugs annette

Welcome Veck! This is a very inspiring site with kind and informed people.
We look forward to your posts.
Mrs. Erocse

Hello Veck,
Like you for years I knew something was wrong with me.
My internal wiring seem to be all messed up and my parents had to re-program me.
I felt as if I was a lesser person or even less than a person because of the way people treated me.
My dad had to teach me how to be a boy. He showed me how to walk, sit and even what kinds of games and toys that I should play with.  And all of the female things that I shouldn't and couldn't do.
I have hated myself for years.
But recently I have finally got the courage to look inside. I have learned allot about myself in the last few year. There is a women hiding inside and now she finally has permission to come out.
I hope the people here at Susan's can help you as they have helped  me.
I am so glad that you now have the courage to look inside.
Welcome to Susan's,
Jillieann

Hey Lilliean,

Thanks for your story. For me, it is very difficult to look inside. I am having a hard time to figure out which feelings and thoughts are true. I am really in doubt in this matter. For years someone builds a reference and suddenly everything seems to be mismatched. For example, as I stated in my earlier post, I feel something inside when I look to other girls, other girls cloths, etcetera.. For years now I am wondering what it means.. and I tried to talk to people about it, even a psychologist. But these people do not seem to realize the situation. they think that it is a problem with sexuality. But as I can see it right now, it goes much deeper.

Last weekend, I took the first step in telling my feelings and doubts to my parents. They took it very well. They see their son trying to find out his identify, but I doubt if they also realize the situation. But it is a little step and their reaction was quite comforting.

I look forward to the future..

Veck it is a good first step that is being able to share with your parents.
You are moving forward.
As far as looking inward it took me years before I had the courage.
Please continue and don't wait like I did.
It was scary at first but so much better for me now.
I'm so glad to know who I am inside and accept it.
Jillieann

Hi Veck

Indeed you are right about the psycologists, if they are not well trained in gender issues they think it has something to do with sexuality but it has nothing to do with that but more with identity.
You where very brave this weekend to tell your parents and I'm glad to hear how they picked up the news about you.
In this situation you can use all the support you need from friends and relatives.
according to Jillieann don't wait and find out who and what you are and how to interpret this feelings.
It is important in life to find the inner peace and happiness, most people, including me, heve struggled for years with it and that is such a waste of time.

hugs annette

Oh I so understand what you are saying. Same for me. Totally disinterested in boys clothing. Didn't care what i wore. I did not identify with girls either as a child but, my bestest friend for the first 3 years of my school life was a girl till I got shamed into hanging out with boys. Bullied too. Wow, This seems to be pretty common. Thank you for sharing. You have helped me put some more pieces of the puzzle together. Hugs

Hey dyslexi,

Thanks for your reply; I am glad that other people can recognize themselves in my situation, it gives me the feeling 'I am not alone' I am not certain if it is pretty normal, as you have stated.. I am trying to put the puzzle together myself. Yes, the feelings i have are true.. but I am not certain what they actually mean. It is a picture I have which I understand the better every day.

My mom bought all of my clothing when I lived at home.
The only thing I care was that it was plane. The only exception was that for most of my young teen years I would only wear white pants. I also had a fascination for Marilyn Monroe.
But I didn't want to be with her I wanted to be her I, could almost feel her emotions, and many of the other pretty female stars I saw. But at the same time I was embarrassed about it.
But for some reason I never put 2+2 together. If fact I had never hear of a transsexual until I was in my late teens young adult years.
Glad your moving forward.
Jillieann

Quote from: veck on November 16, 2010, 04:22:23 PM
Hey dyslexi,

Thanks for your reply; I am glad that other people can recognize themselves in my situation, it gives me the feeling 'I am not alone' I am not certain if it is pretty normal, as you have stated.. I am trying to put the puzzle together myself. Yes, the feelings i have are true.. but I am not certain what they actually mean. It is a picture I have which I understand the better every day.

Welcome, Veck!

Where are you? ... Im der Nederland?

Well, here's a truly great bookseller's website for you to look at.  It's worldwide.  Whether or not they'd have these books in your language I cannot say. 

There are 2 books available that are bound to help you sort your feelings and thoughts out.  Know what?  I believe once you read them, you'll have an "Aha!" moment ..., and your life, your thoughts, your feelings will come at once into sharp focus with crystal-like clarity.  You just might have an epiphany when you read these books and say to yourself something like, "My God!  They're telling MY story!  This is totally ME!"  Many of us have had just such moments ... while reading books like these.  Here you go ... the links to the books ... just click on 'em and check 'em out!:

Classic ... and great:

http://www.amazon.com/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism---Professionals/dp/0787967025/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1290143626&sr=1-1

Read the reviews!

New ... and greater:

http://www.amazon.com/Transgender-Explained-Those-Who-Are/dp/1449029574/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b

Read the reviews!

Honestly, I believe you would benefit IMMENSELY by getting and reading these 2 books.  Your choice.  Just a recommendation.  My best to you!    

   Lacey Lynne

Thanks for the advice Lacey Lynne. I just ordered them.. not at Amazone but at a other online web shop. I am very curious!!

..and the story continues.

Today I had another appointment with my shrink. For 1,5 year now, I am doing interviews, psychological tests and I have just finished a social skills training. It was to their opinion that, if I got more assertive, I could present myself (better). I went to the shrink because I had some work related problems (concentration, motivation, etcetera), bit I will leave that for now. I felt very frustrated because they didn't recognized my real 'problems', problems with identity. At that time, I couldn't say exactly how I felt, what kind of emotions I felt because I didn't recognized them.
So today the shrink started to talk about the training. I already pointed out before that the social skills training was not really use to me. So she start asking questions, and eventually we ended up talking about identity, feelings. She concluded the 'analysis' and she asked if I agreed..
Before I went to the shrink, I decided to tell her about me feelings, now really clear to me, and my viewings. But still I found it very hard to tell someone else. So when she asked if I agreed, I was preparing to tell her how I felt. So after a silence I said that something else is at hand. I was looking for the word and at that moment I was glad that I told my parents about my feminine feelings/part. I used the same story to tell my shrink about my feelings.
At the end, I was really relieved It seemed so normal to talk about it I felt really confident!!!

It was a big step, but I look confident to the future. It will be hard sometimes, but I have my parents to talk to and finally it seems I have found the right help (hopefully).

Sorry to bother you again, for me it feels really great having legs and chest shaved. I like it, I really do Unfortunately, it seems to grow quite fast, especially on the chest. Are there any trips??

Hi Veck
Well, after all, the assertive training worked out very positive for you because now you could tell them about your feminine feelings.
Tips for hairremoval, there are several options, prescripted medicins like spiro and androcur but they will decrease your testosteron level
or a beatysalon specialized in hair removal ( very expensive)or you could try the  creams like veet, it's quite cheap and they sell it in Holland in stores like Etos and Kruidvat but the last one is only temporarily.
But, temporarily is maybe just what is needed in this phase of confusing about your feelings.
I'll hope there are more people around with better tips but these are the only things I can think of.
anyway, a big hug for your courage, you've made a big step

annette