I don't think I can do this anymore.
I'm not as brave as all you guys, I can't stand surgery and I still hate my legs for the several self-inflicted scars in my legs I did experimantily. You can't see them but I know they are there.
I accidently came accross some surgergy pics for bottom surgery and it really shook me.
My girlfriend was the only one who really supported me but now we split up mutually because it did't work and now I want her back but I don't want to try too soon incase she thinks i'm taking the piss but what if I end up being too late? Urgh women are so confusing.

I even have a therapist who specializes in the gender thing but i'm ill and I can't see him at the moment when I need him more than ever. I've developed a crush on a new friend but I am worried it's just in my head but at the same time I can't keep away from her, I feel so content talking to her and I am privately a little processive. She's straight and has a crush on the guy who hurt my ex. (despite coming out to her she still strongly reguards me as female)

There was a girl who Hollyoaks whos transgender and has cuts all over her arms and she can pull off being a guy and I actually felt unbeliabley jealous.
I accidently took the pill irregularly for my periods and I have'nt stopped bleeding for an entire week. Any longer and I swear I will tear out my uterous with chopsticks.

Away from the point, I don't think I am strong enough to go through this- I cut my hair but I feel so fake. And it feels like everyone knows it when they see me too. FakerFakerFaker. I look nothing like a guy and I know it. I can just about endure it but I can't live as a female for the rest of my life but I don't want to be a scarred man who can't do everything any other man can. Feeling inadequate.

I don't know what to do- I'm miserable. Shedding many manly tears for both me, but especielly my EX. Thinking about it without her I would'nt have made it this far. I can't do this alone.
-Kieran

You're going to be OK. It sucks when you break up; but you've got to be yourself, with or without her. There's lots of other ladies out there to love.

Here, watch this, it always makes me feel better.

Argent, your not alone, we might not be there but you do have friends who support you on here. Transition isn't for everyone but it sounds like it's what you want. Take time to think about it. A lot of guys get upset, stressed, and questioning during that evil time of the month. Wanna know a secret? I'm terrified of needles and surgery but the fear of living like this for the rest of my life is so much greater. It took a long time to realize that but maybe you're the same way. Like Janet says

Quote from: JanetLynn on November 20, 2010, 11:17:06 PM
It does not take bravery or courage to transition.  It takes fear.  The fear of spending one more day in the wrong gender. - Janet

You're not fake. You're transgender so although your body might say otherwise for now you are a man. Give it time, talk to your therapist and remember, just breathe.

Aegir that song is gonna be stuck in my head all night!

Hey, you seem like you have a lot to deal with right now. I've been going through similar things. I feel like that a lot of the time. Like a faker. Like I could never live up to the expectations people have of men. That I would fare better as a woman, because I can pull it off. But I think a lot of people on this site would agree that just because you may physically pass as the gender you were born, doesn't mean you emotionally and mentally pass. That is how you know what you are. What feels right. You can't deny who you are on the inside, and until you come to terms with that, it's not an easy road. I'm still on that road. I tell myself every morning that I can't change for anyone, and that I am the way I am for some reason, whatever it is, and that I need to embrace it. Yes, it would have been easier if I was okay with being a girl, but I'm not, I never will be. And I fall into self destructive habits if I deny my feelings.

You are so brave. You are brave for posting this. For being honest with yourself. The bottom surgery pics are pretty intimidating, and they scare me too. I don't know if I'll ever get bottom surgery, I've been reassured by many that it's not for everyone, and over time, most can find ways to pass without it.

Talk to your ex when you feel calm enough. Tell her what you're feeling. Let her know if she needs time to think, she should have it, but that you would like to talk things out.

There are ways to pass more, but it all starts on the inside with confidence. Really, if you have confidence in being a man, it exudes that masculine aura you want.

Hope this helps. I'm always here. PM me if you like.

Thank you very much, I feel better now and I hope it continues into today.

I don't feel too brave... I feel if I was brave enough I would'nt have to think twice about changing myself and I should'nt be so damn afraid of every damn thing involved and be a man about it.
If I become a guy I would have to have bottom surgery, my body dyphoria is very strong it would have to be all the way. ><; I would definately have to get over my scar and surgery phobia by then.

I'm afraid to stay like this, but right now I keep to my habit of bareing it untill something bad happens which sets of my dyphoria 10X worse than when I am content and I distract myself. Periods set me off even if I feel like the happiest guy ever. I don't know if anyone else gets that? :/

One thing I do hate is being so emotional, I feel like I definately have too much emotions and they explode messily. My mum can always tell when I am down because I bring out the man clothes.
It's funny the things that remind me that I am indeed a guy; I am always been told by mum and pastor that I am a girl and i'm just very confused. (Sounds like someone trying to convince someone they are'nt gay) In my class the other day the teacher just casually mentioned some typical male pyschological traits- I had every single one. Including the tendancy to over-estimate self and being impulsive to the extreme. I was cheerful thoughout the whole lesson after. I blame that posted video for this random happy memory.

I tried to speak to my ex about it but she is being difficult about sharing her feelings- She said today that she wished she had someone to think about to a love song which hurt. She said she still loved me two days ago when we broke up.Though she has said she feels its pointless to try and keep her feelings for me now we are over and would'nt elaberate. She also said she is relieved and she felt like she should have split up ages ago but she did say she felt very sad but did'nt dwell on it too much. I have no idea how to interept that at all!

Don't confuse brave with foolhardy or fearless.

Brave is going ahead despite the reservations.

Let the girl go, you have enough to deal with right now.

Quote from: Argent on November 21, 2010, 12:28:04 AM
I don't feel too brave... I feel if I was brave enough I wouldn't have to think twice about changing myself and I shouldn't be so damn afraid of every damn thing involved and be a man about it.

Change is something that even the most stereotypical guy is afraid of. It's a human thing to fear change, and big ones at that. Every day there's things told about surgeries going wrong and this and that. It happens. Putting yourself down isn't going to help, pick up that chin. K? <3

Quote from: Argent on November 21, 2010, 12:28:04 AMIf I become a guy I would have to have bottom surgery, my body dysphoria is very strong it would have to be all the way. ><; I would definably have to get over my scar and surgery phobia by then.

Again. A huge change. I understand surgery scare though. My first one was getting my wisdom teeth out. My second.. and last one... was my top surgery. My father had died and been brought back after 45 minutes of death due to surgery and I have heart problems as well. I was scared to ->-bleeped-<-ing death. But you know what? I did what I was told to do by the surgeon. And I was just fine. Both times. And omg was it a relief. Having the top surgery was just like getting those painful wisdom teeth removed. I just felt so much better.

I also have phobias... though not on scars (and no longer on surgery). There's creams and gels they hopefully would give you that would help get rid of your scars. Kelcote is one of them. Super effective. And listening to what they tell you to do to help reduce scarring is key too.

Quote from: Argent on November 21, 2010, 12:28:04 AMI'm afraid to stay like this, but right now I keep to my habit of bearing it until something bad happens which sets of my dsyphoria 10X worse than when I am content and I distract myself. Periods set me off even if I feel like the happiest guy ever. I don't know if anyone else gets that? :/

I totally get that. In fact, I'm having it right now. My period is going on it's 15th day. All these days I've been feeling more and more suicidal and thoughts of self harm, even down to just getting a lone and going to some sketchy surgeon to get things removed, but I try to stay in check. So I totally understand this.

Quote from: Argent on November 21, 2010, 12:28:04 AMIt's funny the things that remind me that I am indeed a guy; I am always been told by mum and pastor that I am a girl and i'm just very confused. (Sounds like someone trying to convince someone they aren't gay)

Forgive this rudeness but... that's very selfish, uncouth, and harmful about them. And downright idiotic.
Don't listen to them. They aren't listening to you, nor are they trying to understand... is what I'm gathering from that sentence.

Quote from: Argent on November 21, 2010, 12:28:04 AMI tried to speak to my ex about it but she is being difficult about sharing her feelings- She said today that she wished she had someone to think about to a love song which hurt. She said she still loved me two days ago when we broke up.Though she has said she feels its pointless to try and keep her feelings for me now we are over and wouldn't elaborate. She also said she is relieved and she felt like she should have split up ages ago but she did say she felt very sad but didn't dwell on it too much. I have no idea how to interpret that at all!

I think it's time to move on. It doesn't really sound like much good will come from this. Maybe you guys can still be friends, but it's painfully obvious that romance isn't going to be there in full. Trust me, there's plenty of girls and boys who absolutely love transguys and accept them with all their heart, minds and souls.

Courage is not the absence of fear (I forget who said it)

Many thanks for all the support! (Especielly to Samson and BloodLeopard)
I was not expecting so many replies! X_X But i'm glad.