Short backstory of what's been happening this past week. I went to my first local trans support group meeting. Went full girl mode. Which is a rare occasion for me. No makeup, which I'm sure counted against me. But I still felt relatively comfortable being there. Made a couple of friends. Got invited out the next night for a "girls night out" at a local gay bar. So any transgender girl was invited. Transsexual, Crossdresser, Drag Queen, etc. So I decided I really wanted to go full blown, bought some new makeup, went full girl mode. First time ever. Felt great.

Got invited out again tonight to a trans-karaoke night. It was a blast, I didn't sing, I'm too shy. But I made more friends. I went with these friends to an ihop, fully girl mode, makeup and all. First time I really went into the general public like that. Not a single awkward stare. I was told I pass just fine, one of the girls was shocked that my boobs are a 38b at only 9months HRT. She couldn't stop looking at them. I was flattered 

So now we get to the point of why I am frustrated. When I am out with my friends, I can be myself. They know me as a girl named Samantha, and no baggage from knowing me in the past.

Sure my entire family is supportive. All of my friends (from pre coming out) are supportive too. The only person who doesn't seem to be entirely supportive is my grand father and I could really care less what he thinks, he's also racist.

But like I said, my entire family is 100% supportive. I'm lucky, I count my blessings. But I find it difficult to be myself around them. When I am out with my friends, I don't feel uncomfortable at all, I am accepted and it feels sooo good. But around my family, I find it very difficult to be myself. I feel constrained, so I fall back into what I think they are more comfortable with. I lose my girly sounding voice, and speaking habits. I am even uncomfortable to wear basic girl clothing around them.

I don't know why I do that, they say it's no problem at all, and even if it is that they'll adjust. But even with this wonderful and supporting family, I'm still afraid that I am going to make them uncomfortable. And I find it so frustrating. Because it feels like I have 2 persona's. 1 with my family, and another for all of the other parts of my life.

It's like being part time in all of the wrong places. And I want so badly to be full time before the end of the year.

For TLDR:
I'm basically full time now, just started this week. But I am still uncomfortable around my family who is fully supportive. I revert back to an old, false persona, and I find it frustrating.

Be gentle with yourself honey, it is hard, you have had a lifetime of acting one way with them. It is a hard habit to break.

It will come, perhaps start small and chip away at it.

Congratulations on going full time! That is quite an achievement!

I so understand that.

To me too, it feels like the hardest habit to break ever. Though still pre-HRT, the relation habits that were formed between my entire family (we're not a big family but a very close one) and myself always feel like the hardest to reforge. It's like overhauling the one place where you were always accepted for who you are by actively redefining your role while for them there is no need for it, since they accept you as you are anyway. To me it always feels like a catch 22 situation 

So yeah, it's very frustrating at times. But I guess when taking it one step at a time, it'll work out fine

Emma

Like Nicky says, you've been acting most of your life. It's quite easy to be yourself with new friends. Good older friends will accept you because that's what real friends do. But family, you can't choose your family.

LOL.. I know THAT frustration.
My Mom lives out of state and hadn't seen me in 10 years.

A few years ago I made the cross country trip with my daughter to visit.
I knocked on the door and waited patiently as she came to open the door.....
And instantly reverted back to her little boy.

The last time was at my brothers wake. Everyone, including people I hadn't seen in 20 years were there.
Not a blip of any thing other than me being female. Even my parents freinds.

Thanks everyone, for the support. I didn't really plan a specific date for going full time, I just know that I wanted to do it before the end of the year, and it just sort of happened.

I've been taking small steps with my family, and this morning I realized that I'm not really all that different around them. I talk differently, and dress differently some of the time, but that's just about it.

They tend to get the pronouns wrong a lot. He and His. And when they do, I sort of go "who are you talking about?", and they catch it and correct themselves. They'll get it eventually, I just hope they don't mess up in public.

I was recently out in guy mode, before going full time, at a grocery store with my mom. And she was said something to the effect, "Oh he can carry the bags.... err she", and I was like, OMMGGG I can't believe she just did that in public, she totally outed me. But I got over it. Because I know she doesn't do it on purpose.

*hugs*, love you guys ^.^ Talk to you later.

I understand how you feel ; I do the same. Whenever around strangers, I feel really good being "mistaken" (because I don't consider my body anything female yet) for a female. But whenever around people I am familiar with, I feel shy and uncomfortable and kind of force myself to act manly. I hate it, and I am at the exact same loss as you are D:.

 Samantha,
We have lived our whole life being ultra concerned about everyone around us. Making sure they like us, making sure they are comfortable in our company. That's just who we have taught ourselves to be. Even though your family is supportive , you feel this incessant desire to be for them, the person you think they may prefer. It's not that you need to feel more comfortable with yourself . You need to feel comfortable in taking what life has offered you, and what your family is giving you . You have cared about others, feelings , now it time to care about yourself. You deserve it, you are a good person.

    Hugs, Erocse

Of course it's going to be frustrating hun, while you haven't changed who you are as a person, your relationship with you family has altered. I think for your part, that if your family are supportive just be yourself around them. Both you and they have to get used to this new relationship, if you don't break the habit it will just stick which would be baaaad.

anyway, I'm going to have to go through this at christmas as it'll be the first time i've seen my family in 6 months, i'm just going to brazen it out. hehe

I can understand what that's like... 1 month into HRT and I am slowly trying to unlearn a lot of things... but its going to take a while...

I'm no psychologist but I guess its largely due to how we have become accustomed to behaving around certain people due to several years practice and when we are nervous about how they will react... we sub-consciously tend to fall back into old habits as it tends to be more comfortable/familiar

Sometimes all it takes is time.. don't worry I am sure we will all get there someday (and to those who have already got there... I'm so jealous!  )

::hugs::

I know exactly what you mean about separate personalities.  I'm the same way around my parents and it's really irritating.  The only difference being I'm not full time and they haven't seen me as a girl yet.  I think the only thing you can really count on is time... eventually you'll get over the awkwardness around them and they around you.

Unrelated:  38B? Lucky

Hey sweet girl you have received a lot of good advise and support in this thread. Be patient with yourself it will take time to adjust to being you around your family. Think of it this way, you are very fortunate that your family accepts you for you. Many of us do not have family acceptance.

Quote from: Jalene E. on November 20, 2010, 06:01:34 PM
Hey sweet girl you have received a lot of good advise and support in this thread. Be patient with yourself it will take time to adjust to being you around your family. Think of it this way, you are very fortunate that your family accepts you for you. Many of us do not have family acceptance.

I know. I am verrrrryyy thankful that I have such a great family. And yes, thank you everyone for the advice. I took the plunge and decided to stop pussy-footing around them. I have some other stuff to talk about but I'm going to make a new thread.

And yeah, 38b and still growing. I'm actually scared that they'll get to be above a C. I'd be happy with a C, but a D+ would be bad. I hear horror stories of uncomfortable straps and back pain. Realistically, a C cup is good enough for me.

This exact situation has been by far the most frustrating part of the post coming out process for me. It's just plain hard to "let go" around those whom you've had to be someone you're not for so long. I always end up feeling like I've undermined everything I told them when I came out by not acting much different right away.

I know it will get better with time, just one of those things I guess. Sounds like you're having a good go of it though; I think like most of transition, the first few steps foward are the hardest.

~Sara

We have lived our whole life being ultra concerned about everyone around us. Making sure they like us, making sure they are comfortable in our company.

God, that must suck.  I mean I'm sure it makes you awesome people and all that, but you can't make everyone like you because people are fickle, stupid, smart - you know, they are humans and can never really be pleased.  Moreover, the longer I've been taking trips around the sun, the more people I've met that I'm damn happy about them not liking me.