Every time I get the opportunity to come out to my mother, I freeze up and lie. 

I told her that my dad keeps talking about gay people and expects me to laugh, and then I started telling my dad about my one gay friend, the transguy that went to my school last year, the school crossdresser...and how my dad thinks that transkids don't know what they feel and shouldn't be allowed to make such a decision when they're so young (which pissed me off because I couldn't say anything.)

I told my mother that I'm just waiting for one of the kids in my dad's side of the family to grow up gay because they couldn't even handle when my uncle married a black woman (who is a good person, mind you, not that they care.) Then, I suggested, what if they had a transkid in their family. My mother said that my dad's side of the family would freak out and that it would be one thing for someone in that family to be gay, trans would be something worse for them.

Then, I started going on about transpeople and basically the mentality and stuff (well, from what I've observed here and my own feelings), and my mother said, "Are you gay?"

My heart sank slightly, and I said "No." - which is true - "Why?"

Then, she asked, "Do you have problems with your body?"

That right there. I really wanted to break down and say yes. I really wanted to say that it causes me so much distress that I can't handle it and that it causes me to self-harm. But for some god damn reason, I said, "...Sort of."

After that, my mother said, "Good. You're a normal teenager. You know, you could be a sex therapist."

And then she went on about how I understand the feelings of gay and gender-different, I guess -  I can't think of the word I'm looking for - people and that I'm open-minded and that I could help them or something.

Damn it. I keep screwing up and lying. I really want to tell her, but I get nervous and freeze up, and then something in me tells me to lie, but I can't stand it anymore.

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.   

Edit:// Also, before we went through my room, I forgot that I had my binding stuff in a shoe box and I freaked out because she was just about to come into my room to help me find what I was looking for, and I freaked out, stuffed all of my binding stuff into my backpack for school and took it downstairs so she wouldn't find it. 

Dont beat yourself up over this dude. It may take some time before you can tell your mom.

One thing I have learned is coming out is a process.

Sounds like a good conversation with your mother.  Each time you have one it builds comfidence.  I imagine that your mom will be okay with it all ... and that you need to be more confident about it yourself before you put all your cards on the table.  The time will come.

Shoot, I had a son tell everyone he was trans before me ...and I had been wanting to say it for years to my wife.  However, watching her deal with our son I gained confidence.  I have since come out to her and lots of other folks but it took me years!  Sounds like your progressing just fine...what is comfortable for you.

Coming out is rough, especially if you are pretty sure your family won't take it well. Don't be so hard on yourself.

I had a chance like that too with my dad at age 12 where he asked me similar questions.  I froze up and lied too, I knew his reaction would have been horrible.  18 years later I finally told him the truth =/.  I know how frustrating it is to wish you had just sucked it up when you had a great opportunity, but you shouldn't feel like a failure by any means.  Many (if not most) of us dealt with the same thing.  It is scary because you know that telling the truth will change your life forever and you won't know how much for the good or bad until you take the leap.

Don't be so hard on yourself, it takes time. I had a few failed attempts before I told my mom and after each one I felt awful and so angry at myself I couldn't stand it. I eventually wrote her a letter, stuffed it in my pocket and went to her house determined to do it.

I was so ready to talk and so scared, but my mom wasn't having any of it when I tried to direct the conversation toward my feelings; she's not so much into the "talking about your feelings." About an hour into my attempt I broke down in tears, and even then it took another half an hour before I had the nerve to break out the letter; I remember just sitting there, crying and shaking the whole time.

That was 5 years ago and it's still kinda hard to talk to her about things even though she knows and is generally ok, but I'm working on it.

So don't take it too hard, it's just part of the process.

~Sara

BTW- You totally look like a guy I went to school with back in the day, like you two could be twins... seriously.

Quote from: Miss_Anthropic on November 25, 2010, 08:39:20 PM
Don't be so hard on yourself, it takes time. I had a few failed attempts before I told my mom and after each one I felt awful and so angry at myself I couldn't stand it. I eventually wrote her a letter, stuffed it in my pocket and went to her house determined to do it.

I was so ready to talk and so scared, but my mom wasn't having any of it when I tried to direct the conversation toward my feelings; she's not so much into the "talking about your feelings." About an hour into my attempt I broke down in tears, and even then it took another half an hour before I had the nerve to break out the letter; I remember just sitting there, crying and shaking the whole time.

That was 5 years ago and it's still kinda hard to talk to her about things even though she knows and is generally ok, but I'm working on it.

So don't take it too hard, it's just part of the process.

~Sara

BTW- You totally look like a guy I went to school with back in the day, like you two could be twins... seriously.

Yeah, I've been thinking about writing a letter. From what I've heard of others doing that, it seems to have gone over well. Though my mother is one of those people that you tell her, she denies it, and then you never talk about it again. So a letter might work.

Actually, breaking down and crying in front of her would probably work better because then she'd realize how badly I have to transition.

BTW - Really? =D That's awesome. Made my day.

Quote from: Devyn on November 25, 2010, 09:36:12 PM
Yeah, I've been thinking about writing a letter. From what I've heard of others doing that, it seems to have gone over well. Though my mother is one of those people that you tell her, she denies it, and then you never talk about it again. So a letter might work.

Actually, breaking down and crying in front of her would probably work better because then she'd realize how badly I have to transition.

BTW - Really? =D That's awesome. Made my day.

My mother is exactly the same way! The fact that I kinda abandoned my transition plans for a few years didn't help my case with her either; things just went away totally in her mind. I've recently brought all of it back up to her; it's been tough.... like coming out all over again, but quite a bit better than last time. She just doesn't want to discuss feelings in general, partly because she doesn't want to deal with her own feelings and partly because it's a skill set she never really developed.

Just be persistant, that's the only thing I know that helps. I think the fact your mom was asked the questions she did tells a lot; from here it looks like she'll handle it ok. As far as the rest of the family situation, I'm in exactly the same boat there.... it's  something I'm still working out a plan for myself. If you come up with anything, let me know!

~Sara

If there's one thing I've learned, being a shy and private person who doesn't like to talk about himself, it's this: It's a lot easier to say nothing than to say something.

Next time you get another opening like you got, when you freeze up, just stay frozen. Don't try to answer, to cover up/drop hints. Just stay there, like a deer in headlights, and let her see the look of panic in your eyes. You do that long enough, she'll start digging deeper, and eventually it'll be easier to just tell the truth than to come up with a convincing cover-up.

Quote from: kyril on November 26, 2010, 11:38:29 AM
If there's one thing I've learned, being a shy and private person who doesn't like to talk about himself, it's this: It's a lot easier to say nothing than to say something.

Next time you get another opening like you got, when you freeze up, just stay frozen. Don't try to answer, to cover up/drop hints. Just stay there, like a deer in headlights, and let her see the look of panic in your eyes. You do that long enough, she'll start digging deeper, and eventually it'll be easier to just tell the truth than to come up with a convincing cover-up.

You know, that is really good advice for shy people.  I never thought about it that way, but I suppose I came out in a very similar manner to almost everyone I've told so far.  I sort of led the questions until they got close enough that I felt comfortable coming right out and saying it.  Or sometimes until they asked me if I was trans before I thought they'd connected enough mental dots.