Hi all  ,

Having begun reading other intros and posts on various forums,
I thought I would wait until I knew exactly how I wanted to
introduce myself.  However, since it will never totally convey
who I am, and nobody's perfect anyway, here goes. 

My name is Sandra, and in the part of the gender continuum
between CD and TS,  I am closer to being a m2f hetero CD,
but perhaps about 1/3 of the way between there and TS.
Strong early paternal disapproval led me to repress almost
completely the woman within until I had a "lightning-bolt"
insight at the age of 40!  My earliest interest was makeup,
but of course once I started down the primrose path, there
was underwear, outerwear, jewelry, wigs, accessories, etc.
Most people, including my birth family (I've never married)
--except my accepting sister who is a nurse--know me as
a 61 yo, 5'6", 153-lb bald guy named ABCDXYZ.

I am a member of Tri-Ess, but also an open group called
the Chicago Gender Society.  Having had Chronic Fatigue
Syndrome for 15 yrs, I don't have the energy to attend
sponsored events as often as I would like, but I do dress
a lot at home--recently for 48 hrs straight and taking a
couple of short walks outside during that period.  A couple
of totally accepting women friends have been a Godsend!

Joining Susan's was kind of part of a natural progression
toward accepting the diversity within myself and wanting
to have the freedom to converse with others on just about
any topic without being told that I've just strayed into a
forbidden area (understanding, of course, the limits of good
taste and respect for others).

Life lessons learned:  I have learned and am still learning
that it's not only OK but necessary to be and express
fully who I am, as long as I am sensitive to the reasonable
needs of other people.  What makes the world a special
place for me?  Seeing it through the eyes of my entire
being!  If I am fully aware of myself, then all of me is open
to experiencing all the beauty around me, as well as passing
it on to other people!

Great to be here and look forward to meeting you!

Sandra

welcome, well since i am still in my teen years i dont know how much we can rel;ate but there are people here around and your age so you will have people to talk to^^
and enjoy yourself^^
i edited this, i meant teen. lol

Welcome to Susan's Sandra.

I hope that we can help in solving some of the issues you may be dealing with.  There is a wealth of experience and advice here so don't be afraid to challenge the members, ask for advice and just generally participate.

Be sure to read the rule and take time to explore the site especially the new Gallery area, as there is a ton of information to sift through.  Our Wiki is our knowledge base so you may want to search through that area.  We also have a very active chat area, and an extensive links section.

Lots to see and do but most important of all is to relax you're among friends.

Steph

Thanks to Kyomi (please see reply #12 to your posts) and
to Steph -- those helpful hints should take me a long way
toward becoming more familiar with the information, the
options, and the people here at Susan's!

Sandra

Hi, Sandra!  Welcome!

Hugs & smiles
helen

Hi Sandra,

   Welcome!!

   I'm only curious, but did you do any cross dressing or make-up before you had your awakening at 40?

   I am really happy for you that you have found some supportive friends.


Peace,

Rebecca

Welcome  This place is purdy great, eh?

Welcome, Sandra!

You've come to the right place.  Look forward to hearing more of your story.

Kristi

Rebecca,

Thank you for your warm welcome!  Your question about
whether I did any crossdressing or makeup before my
awakening at 40 is quite relevant. 

Once when I was very young, maybe 7 or 8, my family
visited my grandmother (my mother's mother) on a hot
Sunday in the summer.  Grandma asked whether my younger
brother - this would make him 5 - and I would like to play in her
small inflatable wading pool in the back yard.  We said that
we hadn't brought our swimming trunks.  But Grandma said
that was no problem, because a female cousin had recently
visited and left some of her clothes in the laundry.  Grandma
had washed the clothes, and we could wear some of our
cousin's panties.  I don't recall my father's reaction, but it
couldn't have been positive!  Apparently, however, Mom and
Grandma convinced him that there was no harm, so my brother
and I took Grandma's suggestion and played in the pool.  I do
recall that wearing this garment somehow made me feel more
alive and peaceful.  But not too long after that, something
that was taught in my religion class made me confuse that
juxtaposition of the male and female with giving consent to
"impure thoughts" and feelings, so that good feeling I had
must have been a sinful pleasure!

Perhaps during that same summer, my brother and I had been
given a water-color set to share.  One evening after dinner,
we went to the bathroom sink to get some water on our
brushes and proceeded to make up our faces as we per-
ceived that women did.  Very garish--red lips and cheeks,
black eyebrows.  We were having a ball and laughing our
heads off.  We ran into the kitchen, where our father was
still at the dinner table, drinking his coffee and reading the
newspaper.  We said, "Look, Daddy," and the very instant
he saw us he became enraged (no hint of "isn't that cute")
and yelled at us to take that off and never to do that
again.  He didn't hit us--never did--but his anger could
seem like a sudden eruption of a volcano.  The fear of his
anger was enough to keep me in line for years!  (And be-
cause he thought what we did was so shameful, and be-
cause he--like so many of the generation who fought WWII--
was not able to talk to us about whatever feelings we were
having; there never was any explanation.)

I know these actions that I (and my brother--tho I was
probably the first to be interested in both cases) took
were quite small and might have seemed irrelevant to
most observers; but they both put me in touch with
something--I knew not what--that was full of wonder.

There were a few other things I did along these lines
over the years because I simply felt compelled to do
them.  During my late 30's I bought some clown makeup
and went to a Halloween party as a clown.  But I also
used those (again garish) colors when I was "home alone"
because again I felt compelled.  From the age of 37-40
I was in counseling for the recurrent, serious depression
I had been experiencing since the age of 20.  One Satur-
day night near the end of this period of weekly counseling
(with an excellent woman counselor) I had made up my
face and, looking in the mirror, instead of thinking that
I had once more perverted (psychologically) my mascu-
linity, I had this insight.  As I said in my intro, it hit me
like a bolt of lightning.  It was as if the Creator of the
Universe had personally revealed to me the words that
I said, "Part of me is a woman!"

The word "->-bleeped-<-" came to mind, and with it all the
negative things I had heard about "those people."  But
this insight was so powerful that I knew it was absolutely
true and that none of those negatives applied to me. 
That belief was confirmed soon at the public library when
I read the first few pages of "The ->-bleeped-<- and His
Wife" (this was 1986), by Virginia Prince.  From there the
interest in clothes, etc. just seemed to follow automatically.

Perhaps I have made a short story long, but that's the answer
to your question! 

Thanks, Rebecca, for asking,

Sandra (P.S. While I have been writing this, 2 more posted replies
           have appeared.  Brady, thank you for your welcome, and
           you're right, --"This place is purdy great"!  And thank you,
           too, Kristi.  You just got the chance to hear more of my
           story.  I hope it's not more than you bargained for!)

Oops, Helen, I unintentionally omitted you from my follow-up!
Thank you so much for your welcome and for the hugs and smiles.
The same backatcha,

Sandra

Welcome to Susan's Sandra
you have found a warm spot near the fire. thanks for sharing your story with us. I must admitt that i was hit by a bolt about a year ago. and still have not setteled on a "label" but crossdresser will do for now. Nice to see a Tri-ess sister here
Hugs
KateAlice
AK-6690-K

Hello Sandra,
I wanted to add my belated Welcome.
It's good to have you here.
Your words

QuoteSeeing it through the eyes of my entire being! 
If I am fully aware of myself, then all of me is open to experiencing all
the beauty around me, as well as passing it on to other people!

That is my desire too.
And although my exerence was different my body is still tingling from your words

QuoteAs I said in my intro, it hit me like a bolt of lightning.  It was as if the Creator of the
Universe had personally revealed to me the words that I said, "Part of me is a woman!"

That does resound so true in me too.
I to am a person who realized, just a year ago that part of me was a woman.
I'm 56 and she is just over 1 (but a very mature 1 year old)
We are bi-gender and now learning to live together. We have nother choose.
Why God made us this way we don't know. But we are both determined to be what he made us.
Again it is good to meet you.

Jillieann and JR

Hello Sandra and Welcome to Susans!

Thank you for your introduction.  There's plenty of valuable information here, so please feel free to explore all the forums of the site, get familiar with the site rules and visit the wiki which contains wonderful articles on tg-related issues.  Enjoy your stay Sandra!

tinkerbell

thank you for the response, Sandra.

It was very clear and parallels what I went through a little bit. I found it helpful.


Love,

Rebecca

Kate Alice,

The welcome I have received does feel like a "warm spot
near the fire," which is something I'm sure you are glad
for on many days of the year in Alaska!  And it is nice
to meet a Tri-Ess sister here!

Jillean/JR,

You noted that at 56 you find that Jillean is "just over 1
but very mature."  It seems that the older we are at  "onset,"
the more quickly "she" grows up!  You mentioned that even
tho you don't know why God made you bi-gendered, you are
both determined to live together.  Some have said that if they
could take a magic pill to make the "feminity" go away, they
would.  If someone asked me, I would say, "not on your life"!
As I grow in the joy of being all that I am, I would not give it
up for anything (even if it were possible!)

Tinkerbell,

Thank you for your kind welcome, and I am already enjoying
my stay.  That photo is fantastic--if it is of you, all I can say
is--WOW!!!  If it is not, all I can say is, WOW!!! [EDIT -
1/11/07 - I hope that last remark was not seen as too forward
or "getting personal."  A different way of saying it would be,
"Whoever that young woman is (in the photo that showed at
the time) that picture is absolutely stunning!" -- Sandra]

Rebecca,
 
I'm glad to know that that you have found parallels between our
experiences. And I love the photo of "7 of 9"!  I am quite a trekkie
(not to the point of having an extensive knowledge of minutiae),
and she is one of my feminine "role models."  The overall look,
that is.  I would have to be delusional to think any amount
of corsets, makeup, etc. could ever make me look like that!
By the way, I have to tell you about a coincidence.  I have a
large collection (or should I say a cluttered apartment full) of
fashion magazines, one of which is the November 1999 issue of
"Mode."  I just read an article there by Brian Alexander called
"Lust Grows Up--our writer thinks about sexy and decides it's
about more than sex."  On p. 84 he says, "I have heard middle-
aged men wrapped in locker-room towels have a serious discus-
sion on the physics of the extremely snug costume worn by
Jeri Ryan..."

Cheers,

Sandra

Sandra,
No way would I want to take a pill either.
I don't need to be fixed I'm not broken. But just becoming who and what I should be. But it is a struggle and is not made easier by my family that doesn't understand. Thank be to Susan's a safe haven, support, friendship, and more.

Jillieann and JR