So yesterday one of my mum and step dad's friends came round and wanted to know if I was up for a drive. She kept asking how I am and saying if I ever want to talk to get in touch.

Anyway, we went for this drive somewhere and I mentioned a friend I was meant to be meeting. She then asked if it was [friend's name] and then how did I feel "when he changed from a girl to a boy?".

I'd told my mum about him out of necessity some 2+ years ago and also told her under no circumstance was so to tell anyone because he didn't want anyone to know. So she told her husband, my brother, this woman seems to know about him and probably others too...

What part of 'do not tell anyone' do these idiots not understand? Yet at the same time, they never ever want to talk about my being trans. So it's okay to talk about someone else's medical history, someone they've met a handful of times?

My friend in question moved into a rural area where there was almost no shops for a few miles simply so he would have a fresh start to live his life. He doesn't need them ruining everything he's spent years building. (Not that, I suppose, they 'can' ruin it but you get my point.)

So needless to say, a combination of them not respecting my wishes and my friend's privacy, the woman/family calling me 'he' and other awesome pronouns made me pretty upset. And I apparently still am.

I'd already lost the respect I had for either my mum and step dad for the way they handled my transition. I also knew they didn't listen to what I have to say and instead favour belittlement and treating me like a child. And now apparently I can trust them about as much as I suspected. Wow.

But then again, if you ask my family, this friend 'brainwashed me', took me 'away from' them (I lived with him and his family for a couple of years) so they're probably within their right to do this. And according to my step father 'everyone is doing it' (i.e. 'becoming' trans) so y'know, I don't 'have to' do it.

So I'm pretty annoyed, dysphoric and upset. And apparently beginning to rant so I'll stop here.

Wow clare, sounds like a tough time. Sometimes you need to rant, so rant away!

Have you sat down with them and tried to actually describe how you feel, and make them understand? I suspect you have, but it never hurts to try.

I can understand your frustration. As an alternate point of view, during my own coming out I never asked a person to keep what  I said from their spouse/partner. While I knew that I could lose control of the information once the spouse was told, I never felt that it was appropriate to ask spouses to keep information from each other. Often times a spouse is someones primary emotional support, and by telling them not to say takes away an important part of that persons ability to cope and process information.

Quote from: SamanthaFLA on November 27, 2010, 09:40:58 AM
Wow clare, sounds like a tough time. Sometimes you need to rant, so rant away!

Have you sat down with them and tried to actually describe how you feel, and make them understand? I suspect you have, but it never hurts to try.

Indeed!

I've tried to sit down and explain it all. Specifically how I feel. I even tried writing letters, providing information and even stories about other people. None of it seems to take.

I tend not to nowadays because they're frustrating and their answers are more likely to annoy or upset me than anything so it isn't worth the effort.

My mum has said once or twice she's 'trying' and wants me to be happy. Then recently I was informed I don't know what I'm doing by my step dad. That it's 'expensive, time-consuming and irreversible'. That I haven't thought it through and he isn't 'convinced' it's something I 'need'.

Still being in the denial phase after two years and trying to dictate how I should live my life has got rather tiresome.

Quote from: katgirl74 on November 27, 2010, 10:42:11 AM
I can understand your frustration. As an alternate point of view, during my own coming out I never asked a person to keep what  I said from their spouse/partner. While I knew that I could lose control of the information once the spouse was told, I never felt that it was appropriate to ask spouses to keep information from each other. Often times a spouse is someones primary emotional support, and by telling them not to say takes away an important part of that persons ability to cope and process information.

I can see why she would tell her spouse if it was relevant, but it doesn't really have anything to do with them. Not someone else's transition. It seems a little odd that she hardly talks about my transition to him so why would she someone else's?

Regardless, to then tell people who really it doesn't concern (that is, their friend), that's not appropriate. No matter how much they try to convince me otherwise, the bottom line is that they didn't respect his privacy or my wishes and favoured to gossip about someone's medical history (which suggests to me they don't see it as a bonafide medical condition).

It is said that three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead.  When one other person knows they seem duty bound to tell it to another.  And of course it is always begins "Now don't tell anyone, but ...".

Is it an invasion of privacy?  You better believe it is.  But once something is told, it will get out.  You can only do some much damage control.

All you can do is live your own life, on your terms.

Quote from: Janet Lynn on November 27, 2010, 01:48:12 PM
It is said that three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead.  When one other person knows they seem duty bound to tell it to another.  And of course it is always begins "Now don't tell anyone, but ...".

Is it an invasion of privacy?  You better believe it is.  But once something is told, it will get out.  You can only do some much damage control.

All you can do is live your own life, on your terms.

Quite true. But since the information about my friend being trans wasn't relevant to them, what gain is there from telling someone who has nothing to do with it beyond mere gossip? I mean, it doesn't exactly come up in every day conversation.

Nonetheless, a lesson is learnt from it all! I think honestly the best thing I can do is get away from them. Not necessarily cut them out of my life, but see them on my terms. If they still can't accept my own transition then I'll probably re-evaluate that and be less forgiving of their unwillingness to even attempt to accept me (or my friend).

what happened is really quite sad... I can understand how frustrating it is when someone you trust betrays it ... she may have felt the need to tell her husband but everyone else? .. maybe she was just venting...

Hope everything works out both for you and your friend...

::hugs::

Quote from: Vibes6 on November 27, 2010, 01:59:33 PM
what happened is really quite sad... I can understand how frustrating it is when someone you trust betrays it ... she may have felt the need to tell her husband but everyone else? .. maybe she was just venting...

Hope everything works out both for you and your friend...

::hugs::

Yeah... They never were good with boundaries it seems. I'm amazed it took me until a few years ago to see what my family are really like though. I guess you never know something's missing if you never knew about it.

I mean I can see why she might tell her husband. But it's that she then told everyone else in some trivial fashion. Didn't even feel it might be a good idea to tell me she's been talking about my friend behind his back.

They've already 'banned' him because he's trans and has 'brainwashed' me. Seriously, you can't make it up. I think it was actually him who told this friend, which is even more galling.

Thanks, me too. I'm pretty much just ignoring them as best I can and trying to transition regardless. It's working so far, despite the comments and toxic atmosphere. Here's hoping I can scrape enough money together to get my own place.

Hi Clare, you did not mention in your posts in this thread, but have you tried having your mum, stepdad, and you sit down with a transgender therapist?  I think that would help some of the issues.

It was pretty sad about your friend, but maybe there is a bright side to that.  Let me explain.

I have been trans my entire life, but was uber afraid to come out.  Several years ago, I was living with this evil bitch (okay, she did me a favor, maybe slightly less) and I made her promise to not tell anyone about me under any circumstance.  Well, she told her family and part of mine.  Once I found out that she blabbed, all the fear and embarrassment that I had vanished, just like that.  I then started the transition and cannot believe that I waited for so long and had a black cloud over my head for so very long.

Yes, it is better to know who your friends are, even in your family, and who is not, sooner than later.  Coming out helped me in this respect too.  I almost feel that I was reborn on that date.

My mother is exactly like that, too. Icannot expect to tell her something and not have the whole family know about it. It sure is annoying.

Quote from: sarahla on November 28, 2010, 12:32:59 AM
Hi Clare, you did not mention in your posts in this thread, but have you tried having your mum, stepdad, and you sit down with a transgender therapist?  I think that would help some of the issues.

It was pretty sad about your friend, but maybe there is a bright side to that.  Let me explain.

I have been trans my entire life, but was uber afraid to come out.  Several years ago, I was living with this evil bitch (okay, she did me a favor, maybe slightly less) and I made her promise to not tell anyone about me under any circumstance.  Well, she told her family and part of mine.  Once I found out that she blabbed, all the fear and embarrassment that I had vanished, just like that.  I then started the transition and cannot believe that I waited for so long and had a black cloud over my head for so very long.

Yes, it is better to know who your friends are, even in your family, and who is not, sooner than later.  Coming out helped me in this respect too.  I almost feel that I was reborn on that date.

I suggested it but I can't see it really happening. They're happy to just not talk about it and hope it goes away. Which doesn't sound like it's the healthiest approach to a situation. But I guess everyone is different. Actually, I'm in the process of moving GIC so whenever that happens I may suggest it again. I mean I know the team I'd be moving to and they seem really lovely so I don't see they'd have any issues with it.

Yeah, I see what you mean. It wasn't that he's embarrassed about being trans as more he doesn't want it broadcasting to everyone in the city. It gave me an insight though into how much I can trust them with sensitive information.

And, now that you mention it, I was a little afraid too prior to learning more about trans issues (and meeting aforementioned friend). Now, despite all the hardships I've had to endure (both by family and elsewhere) I've come to realise you have to do what you have to do. You can't live your life wanting to please everyone because sadly, you won't.

As for the bit about feeling reborn and being almost a different person, I've heard that a few times. I know from my own experience I've learnt a lot about myself in the past year or so as a result of transition. In spite of everything, I think I'll be a stronger person for it - not to mention happy!

Quote from: A on November 28, 2010, 02:58:12 PM
My mother is exactly like that, too. Icannot expect to tell her something and not have the whole family know about it. It sure is annoying.

Sorry to hear that! Hope that hasn't impacted too much on transition and your life. Still, at least you know where you stand with regards to how much you can trust her... Yep, annoying is one word for it!

Quote
You can't live your life wanting to please everyone because sadly, you won't.

That is so very, very true.  It is up to each of us, especially in the trans community, to be strong and to do what we have to so that we can be happy and explore what that means.  I have tried the path, still am to a large degree sadly, to make people happy as much as possible, but that is impossible.

Sadly, life is not so black and white, especially if you are married and want kids and a family.  I do agree with my endo that I had several years ago, when he told me that my future cannot be judged by my past, as i was never myself.  I lived a lie.

I do feel reborn in some sense, but not in others.  The weight of the pain lingers.  I see the past.  There is the pain of passing too.  I pass sometimes, but not in others.  Passing is not an on/off switch, sadly.

With each step I worry will the next step be a mistake or not.  I keep thinking about SRS.  Can anyone think more on that subject (yes/no/yes/no/yes/no) than I?    Yes, that is a ways a way.  Heck, even going back on hormones is a choice.  Hormones is the easiest, yippee!  The problem with SRS is that there is no "undo".  It is hard to feel feminine walking into a men's locker room at the gym.

I am definitely a stronger person now than at any time in my past.  Worries of money and other stuff do not worry me so much anymore.  I used to be terrified, uber-terrified of talking in public.  I was uber-terrified of many things.  Having to deal with gender and come out to my family, especially my father made all the other stuff seem silly and trivial.

Happiness, for me, is a journey.  I compare myself to other girls and I have a long way to go.

It is best to transition as early as humanly possible.  That solves a lot of problems.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.   It takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing and rise up against your parents, but still respect them.  It is sad that they do not want to go to therapy.  They might lose a daughter, which will be sad.  They are already losing a precious weeks and months of your life.

If I were a mom, I would never want to miss a day of my child's life, as one can never get that back.  I would want to be part of his/her life.  I keep hearing about parents killing off their children because they are trans, which is a time, when they need their parents support the most.

I told my father a few years ago.  He pretends that I never said what I did.  I always hear "he" and male pronouns.  Hear?  We can count the number of times that I see him these years in one year with just a couple of fingers.  Did I mention that we live less than a mile from each other?  (Okay, might be a bit more, but very close.)  I do not even remember the last time he came to my place.  It was not better before I told him, so nothing new under the sun.   I hope that your parents will come around.  They make a huge mistake.