I have been experiencing extreme body dyshoria lately with a certain part of my body, guess which part, and I don't really know how to deal with it. I have had dreams lately that normally wouldn't be a problem, but lately have been extremely triggering and upsetting. They are dreams of an erotic/sexual nature. I really hate it and whenever I feel movement down there lately I feel physically ill. It has been very hard to ignore. Touching it is even just to go to the bathroom, the one thing it is really good for at this point, has even been a problem lately.

I have thought of tucking before, but honestly that just makes me more aware of it. I find tucking very uncomfortable and only serves to make me think about it more. I have seriously thought of removing it myself, because I find it so disgusting and can't get the surgery yet. I'm in college, so I am a poor college student, and I also really can't afford to take the time off that is need after the surgery. I realize that I also need it, ironically enough, for the surgery and that is really the one thing that has been stopping me from removing it myself. At this point I would settle for my testicles to be removed, at leas then the thing that produces T would be gone. I'm just not sure how to deal with this. The dysphoria has only gotten worse lately. How do other transwoman handle this? Any advice you could give would be most wanted.

Another issue is how my cis friends have responded when I tell them about it. They always say it is the same thing as them hating parts on their body. The problem is its not. No matter what a cisgender person hates about their body its still doesn't change the gender they are in others minds. Having what I have is a constant reminder that at any moment, if it is "discovered", I can have my gender invalidated and challenged by people. I try to explain that to them and they don't seem to get it. Most of the time I just let it drop, because it doesn't feel worth it. I'm not sure if this is the best way.

*sigh*

Hi Honey,

I think we go through this at times. Cutting it off isn't a good response, I tried and fainted (many many years ago) and as you say it is your vagina in waiting. I keep my area totally clean shaved/waxed/lasered, depending on the bits. I use a nice perfume on it to keep me happy. Sometimes I tie a cute ribbon around it/them to make it more feminine. I always pee sitting down, knees together so you don't see or feel it. And of course wear pretty panties. I know some girls only ever refer to it in female body parts, as you go onto HRT and specifically AA it tends to be less responsive so you don't wake up with the morning disgust.

But unfortunately we just have to keep going. I'm sure our FtM brothers put up with worse. I realise that is cold comfort.

Cindy

Thanks for the kind words Cindy. I just wanted to say that I have been transitioning for 4 years now, so yeah the thing is pretty much dead, but its still upsetting. It still works a little bite in that sometimes I can feel it get hard and it sickens me. Even when nothing is happening I have been having that reaction. Touching it to go to the bathroom, I do sit down, but you still have to touch a little bit and its just sickens me lately.

Be strong girl.

No one knows what it is like to be TG. Except us.

I did have a phase of colouring it with nail polish, I do not recommended it

Hugs Sweetie

Cindy

I also thought of cutting it all off myself for a number of years. Once, many years ago, I was given one of those supersharp knives, I stood there with the ugly bit in my hand and tried to psyche myself up to do it. I really wanted to, so much. But didn't.

I'm so pleased I didn't. At best, I could have died. At worst, I would have been in terrible pain and done untold damage, leaving me disabled for life.

Sadly, I still have th ugly bits, but hide them with pads. I've been doing this for many years. I really don't care what it looks like to others. It stops it moving. It makes me feel much more secure. And when I look in a mirror, i see round instead of a lump.

QuoteI have thought of tucking before, but honestly that just makes me more aware of it. I find tucking very uncomfortable and only serves to make me think about it more.

Maybe getting rid of the twins would help.  I had an Orchidectomy over a year ago, and it does make tucking a lot better.  So does wear a pad.  As I get closer to SRS, I don't have the dyshoria over it.  It will become what it should have years ago.

What's there to do? Just wait it out.

I have no good coping mechanisms or strategies, so all I can say is "hold on". It's not gonna be there forever. It's just there for now, temporarily.

I try to pay it as little heed as possible. I can't avoid it entirely, unfortunately, but I try. The one thing that helps is distancing myself from it - it's not a part of my body, it's just a graft, or tumor, and will be gone as soon as can be done. I never, ever refer to it as "mine", either - I have a closer and better emotional relationship to my water bottle. And I'm considering replacing my water bottle.

@ E: I don't think of it as mine either and that works most of the time, just not lately. I still don't think of it as mine, but it has just been hard to ignore lately. Its like it is taunting and laughing at me and wont leave me alone.

@ Janet: I would love to get those evil things that produce T removed from my body, but sadly, I have no money to do so. I have heard about using a pad to help with making it less noticeable and not being able to feel it, but I am not sure how that works exactly (this is also directed at spacial)

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

Quote from: themadwomyn on November 29, 2010, 04:00:22 PM
@ E: I don't think of it as mine either and that works most of the time, just not lately. I still don't think of it as mine, but it has just been hard to ignore lately. Its like it is taunting and laughing at me and wont leave me alone.

Ever try theatening it? "You may think you are safe, but one day... one day, I'll get you! And your little dog, too! MWAHAHAHAHAAAAAH!"

Sorry - just trying to make you feel better :/ .

Quote from: E on November 29, 2010, 04:14:24 PM
Ever try theatening it? "You may think you are safe, but one day... one day, I'll get you! And your little dog, too! MWAHAHAHAHAAAAAH!"

Sorry - just trying to make you feel better :/ .

Lol, thanks, made me laugh. I do that mentally everyday =P

I have been through the exact same, and were reaaaaally close to cut it off. Like you, I kept myself from doing so, because of the need of it for the surgery.

Like it has already been said by one-letter girl number two (yeah, 'cuz I'm the number one and all [alphabetical order]), you can hardly do anything but wait. Try to keep as much of an active life as you can, because it will help make transition faster. Once you are on hormones, this piece of meat should matter at least a little less. Also, keeping more of an active life, like in all depressions, helps you try to focus on something else.

Don't worry if your dysphoria seems too extreme when it comes to...Well, I don't think we need much any clarification. Eventually the dysphoria will come to an end , and at the very least, try and have some faith in that. I had the same which included some self-mutilation with pins at the age of thirteen. Nowadays, my coping method is reminding myself to hold in there because in hopefully less than 2 years, the dysphoric portion of my life will be over. I also need to see progress in other areas, like hair removal, HRT, etc. in order to keep my mind of the feelings of dysphoria. Plus, I need to keep the donor material intact.

I have been on the hormones for 4 years and yeah they do help. It is a very rare day when that ugly, disgusting thing is "up" in the morning. I have school to help keep from going to crazy, but sometimes I just feel like staying home and not going to class. I haven't been, but I have really felt like doing it on a few occasions. I don't because I refuse to let it win. I am very stubborn that way.

Also Limbo: The pins thing sounds tempting, luckily I don't have any otherwise I would consider it. Also, I have seen progress in the hormones lots. I am now a B cup and though I wish my breasts were a little bigger, I am overall happy with them.  I'm positive it has shrunk a lot over the years which also makes me happy.

I wish I could get out of my body and not have to deal with it.

Quote from: themadwomyn on November 29, 2010, 06:45:20 PM
I wish I could get out of my body and not have to deal with it.

Sometimes, I'm glad I don't believe in reincarnation, 'cause then I'd be very close to the edge of suicide at times. And sometimes, I wish I did.

I understand how you feel. Luckily, that too will pass - again.

@ themadwomyn: Sorry, I didn't realize you have been on HRT for a long time, and at what point you were at in life. About my attempt at removing the offending body parts, I'm lucky I was too scared to use a knife, and instead puncturing myself with pins down there. Even at that age, I was thinking about how I was going to cauterize the wounds with a piece of metal (could have been a kettle, or any other metal object) heated over the stove, as that probably would have been necessary had I used a knife. I don't think I have the mental fortitude/weakness to do that in the present. I was very mature at 13, and for all the worst reasons. My childhood ended very early To try and make light of this, here's a thought of mine: I realized you can lose your 'innocence' far before you lose your virginity.

Some words of wisdom paraphrased from a high school English teacher of mine: "Everything is temporary. Nothing may look the same afterward for better or for worse. Just remember that your present situation is temporary."

Quote from: E on November 29, 2010, 06:57:21 PM
Sometimes, I'm glad I don't believe in reincarnation, 'cause then I'd be very close to the edge of suicide at times. And sometimes, I wish I did.

I understand how you feel. Luckily, that too will pass - again.

Not sure I believe in reincarnation either. I believe in karma I have seen it at work lots of times. Pretty much the only thing I really believe in at the present.

@ Limbo: No worries, I was just making it clear that I have been on them for awhile. I didn't mean it to be mean or anything, sorry if it came off that way. That is a very wise English teacher indeed    I am for sure a lot better than I was in high school and before I came out. Also, sorry your childhood ended very early *hugs*

Oh, don't worry, and sorry I made you feel that you hurt me in some way. Nah, nothing wrong with what you wrote. It just sort of makes me think about your situation just a teensy bit differently. I have a quite few F-ed up stories from my teenage years, but that's the starting point as well as the most extreme example. (I should make a blog post about this.)

Yay for blog posts! I have a blog too! The last one I wrote is about this issue. http://diaryofamadwomyn.blogspot.com/ I have found it helpful in some situations to write about this. Sadly, this issue was not one of them =(

Quote from: themadwomyn on November 29, 2010, 04:00:22 PM
I have heard about using a pad to help with making it less noticeable and not being able to feel it, but I am not sure how that works exactly (this is also directed at spacial)

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

I have actually used two different versions of this.

The first was while I was living as female, in my teens. I basically sewed some underwear which had a thicker pad at the front, a thin strip beween my legs and more padding on my rear. It extended to my waist so I could pin it above my pelvis. That was necessary to prevent it falling down under its weight!! I used thick, smooth cotton. I could have used some good quality elastic or a support garment, if I'd had either.

Some experimentation will be needed. The front didn't need to be as thick as I first thought. I seem to recall I used two layers of cotton. But the pad does need to go down quite a bit into the crotch, to get the right effect. The front effect was designed to actually push the ugly bits in, rather than create a pocket. So, a bit of sewing down the centre is needed.

The rear, it was important to have the curve starting from quite high up, though, since I only wore skirts and dresses, it didn't need to come completely down to my hips, if you see what I mean. Though it does need to come down far enough that I was sitting on it.  But again, the thickness doesn't need to be as much as might seem. I think it was about 4 layers in the middle, tapering off, top and bottom.

After i had the shape perfected, I sewed a tacking stitch through the material, all over, to hold it in place and stop it bunching into lumps.

I think I managed to get it right in one morning, as I recall. Though I had experiemented before.

The next version started in my 40s. A slight incontenance problem returned. Nothing serious, just small amounts occasionally. But I started buying pads which fit into my underwear. Male underwear are useless, like most male things, too loose. Female underwear are quite snug and keep the pad in place. These pads are quite thin and shaped almost like a figure of 8. They are designed for all day wear, though I do need a moisturiser. Probably because of the absorbant effect of the material. But I do suffer quite a lot from drying out in my front area for some reason, anyway.

In both cases, the pad simply creates a rounded contour, where previously it was the ugly bit. But of course, the later version does nothing for my rear.

I believe there are contour underwear available. I think it was CindyJames who mentioned them. I did ask her where she got hers, but don't think she saw the message.

Failing that, if I were to try this again, I would most likely use a panty support garment. I'd create the pads, probably from cotton and push them in.