Considering the jokey nature of the title, I'm deadly serious and sometimes wish that my family would just totaly reject me so that I wouldn't have to put up with some of the rubbish that comes out of their mouths.

The main culprits are my mother and older sister. When I first told my mum, she was not shocked at all and said that she had always known that there was something but couldn't put her finger on it. I never told my sister but apparently she guessed and asked my mum about it. I had not seen her since starting transition so it was a big suprise for her to have just come out with it.

I have seen my sister only once since this and as that was at a family funeral and not the time for a discussion about my gender issues but she was okay. However mum is now saying that my sister and her had been talking and my sister had said that she thought that I was just depressed about our dad dying 21 months ago and was being led astray as I had never shown any signs of this as a child (oh yeah, I spent the majority of my teens wearing both of their clothes and my sister even caught me doing this! But no, no signs at all!) it was clear that my mum kind of agreed with this, so I asked her to name one specificaly masculine thing that I liked to do as a child, she couldn't name one.


I appreciate that they are trying to look out for me and don't want to see me make any big mistakes but I really could do witout the amateur psychology, there is only one person in my family with any real training/knowlege of psychology in my family and that's me!! Depression and grief can indeed do some powerful things but I know full well how long I have had my feelings for.

I have had long periods of estrangement from my family due to my inability to communicate with them about anything real in my life, so to have finally taken the plunge and trusted them enough to tell them, I can't help but feel that this is a kick in the teeth. I wouldn't mind if I was younger and had no knowlege of the big bad world , but I'm 39 years old and have had more ups and downs than a rollercoaster.

Sorry about the rant, it must seem very childish but this and another thing (financial not emotional) have left me feeling as though I can't trust anyone, and a part of me just wants them to leave me alone.

One brother didnt talk to me for 20 years. Stopped just after I transitioned.
I just spent the last 30 minutes on the phone with him. He was still in high school the last time I saw him, the next time was 2 weeks after I had surgery.

Some times it takes a while. GID is destructive thats for sure.

That they are talking to you is a good starting point. A while back, I met a (new) girl who showed me the bullet hole where her father shot her. Dang....

Your success and changes in attitude will prove to them (over time) that it is the right thing for you.

My personal experience is that family have the hardest time of all accepting things. Don't be surprised that your sister "saw no signs" - she's probably defined part of her image of "teenage boys" by watching you, and so your behavior naturally falls under the behavior of "normal boys".

Where an objective third party could see the signs immediately, and wonder how your family could possibly avoid noticing, your family is much more likely to just see a normal kid acting normally within their assigned gender role.

My experience has been this:
Person I only just met: "Yes, I see - I think you could pass easily even now with just some different clothes and some makeup." (And usually unprompted.)
Person I've known for years: "What? Well, I don't really see anything feminine about you."

People who've known you for a while have a predetermined image of you. Coming out to them is asking them to set aside that image, and build a new one. It's natural that they'd resist. But they'll come around - most of them do. Just be patient and open with them - let them know how you feel, what exactly transition does to you, and give them time to cope. But keep reminding them, so they can't lull themselves back into the old image.

That's the best I can do - I'm still working on my parents. But I'm making progress - at least my dad no longer seems convinced there's something else behind all this, and I'm trying to take to take the "easy way out" ...

My sisters are perfectly fine, and have been since they've known (around 1.5 months) but my parents still have really big issues, even one year later. Oh well, we'll see how this plays out and when they'll come around. I'd have them if they'd have me.

Millie, you are not alone in this by any means.  Several of us have had similar experiences.  My experiences are rather close to your own.  My folks (adoptive parents) and I never could discuss anything of significance in my life.  They didn't want to hear it ... ever. 

It's like they had a script for me written in their minds.  As long as I played to their script, everything was fine.  Deviated from it even a little?  All hell broke loose.  Ridiculous.  I just had to walk away and not look back.  So sad.

While I'd like to offer you some wise words or some great cure, I cannot, because I don't have any for this situation.  All you can do is all you can do.  If they can't handle it, it's THEIR problem.  Too bad it affects you as profoundly as it does. 

Like you're doing, just live your life in your own way.  They'll come around or they won't, but none of it is your fault.  That doesn't help much, I know.  Sorry.  We just have to accept people as they are and not as they should be.  Easy to say.  Hard to do.  Hope it all works out for you.

Quote from: MillieB on November 30, 2010, 07:32:36 PM
I have had long periods of estrangement from my family due to my inability to communicate with them about anything real in my life, so to have finally taken the plunge and trusted them enough to tell them, I can't help but feel that this is a kick in the teeth. I wouldn't mind if I was younger and had no knowlege of the big bad world , but I'm 39 years old and have had more ups and downs than a rollercoaster.

I can totally relate, although "estrangement" might not be the right word for it.

Here is my story. I came out at 16, a week or so after my 16th b-day, my dad was totally accepting and helped me find the things I needed to do in order to transition. He thinks of me as his daughter and doesn't try to blame anything for it, he just accepts it as who I am. He loves and cares about me deeply. He is a very liberal person.....when it comes to me anyway.

Everything else he is a rampant conservative, even supports the Tea Party and Sarah Palin. This sucks because I am just the opposite. I can't really talk to him about anything real. Somehow, someway politics gets in there. I can't talk to him about all the transgender books I have been reading lately, because they all have a pretty liberal bent to them. I can't point out to him that the Tea Party and Sarah Palin hate me just for being me. Or that the people he supports will only make it harder for me to be accepted, because that will turn into a fight and he will deny it anyway and probably say I have lost touch. My dad and I use to talk about everything and it really feels like I can't anymore because politics get in the way. Don't get me wrong, I still talk to him, but its not like it was when I was growing up. I love my dad, but his views drive me nuts!

Love them for what they can give you and try to ignore the rest. That is really all we can do. <3 *hugs*

My brother is the only family member I am currently out to, and he is fine with it, I talk to him on the phone long periods about it all, and he never tries to talk me out of it or tells the rest of the family.
When I told my brother in person I was really nervous, I thought he would properly be fine with it but I was still a bit afraid that he might not be. Anyway he just turned on his office chair, raised one eyebrow, said "ok", turned back and continued his game.

I am just hoping that I will get a good opportunity to tell my mum before Christmas and that she will be ok with it. Not telling people close to me is really killing me.

Milllie

In the case you describe, I get the strong impression that your sister is trying to mark out her territory. Grappling around for explainations like that is kinda desperate, if you think about it.

She is trying to push you out of what she thinks is her territory and which she feels you may be invading.

Sorry to get all psycho-analytical here. It seems to come across quite strongly.

  Millie,

  The reaction from family can be quite baffling to say the least. I think their reaction is obscured by their  desired to be in denial.  I think of the cliché, "what they don't know, won't hurt them". I think they would prefer it to say, "what I don't know, can't hurt me". With parents, by them not knowing, it   alleviates the amount of guilt they may have. Because they always feel that they could have done something , had they only knew. They are so wrong.

    As for me, for years now at every get- together. There was always allot of teasing by my brothers about how I dressed , how I wore my hair and how I looked feminine. Then when it comes out, everyone's jaw drops and they all say the same thing..... "we are so shocked"  "I wish we had only knew"  "we had no clue you were going through this",  "if we only knew we could have gotten you counseling".

   A person can not change overnight. It is very obvious to us, you have been this person for quite some time. I mean , my god, I can tell by just looking at your avatar.   You are and have been that person a long time.

  I'm with you, "Family who'd ave em "

    Hugs,Erocse

Thank you everyone

I think that I've got a bit more perspective now and can see that there is a lot in what has been written that is true, about my sister feeling as though I'm invading her territory, (she felt this way when I was born!) and that there may be some guilt over the fact that there were some pretty obvious signs that went ignored. Also that no-one has rejected me or shot me!

The other thing that I have realised is don't forget to put on your hrt patch before having a heart to heart with your mother! It really knocked me about mood wise and I'll not be making that mistake again. It has taken until now for me to feel relatively sane.

It will get better I'm sure, it's just been a crappy 2 weeks!