So here's a typical conversation around my house:

Wife: "Honey, what's wrong?"

Me: "Nothing."

W: "No, seriously! what's wrong?"

Me: "(sighs) I said nothing."

But at this point in time, what's really running through my noggin is this:

Me: "So you really want to know why I'm upset? Okay.....I went to the grocery store today and while I was there, I happened to see a really attractive lady. Instead of my first reaction being 'Wow, is she ever hot!', it was 'Gosh, she's really pretty.....I wish I looked like that.' Followed ten seconds later by 'OMG, her boobs are huge! wouldn't that be nice?......tramp. May her huge, perky boobs give her back pain by thirty. (bonus points if anyone can identify the source of that quote). Nice shoes, though.'" I should note that this example really, honestly did happen to me last night. 

And of course this was then followed by literally hours of frustration which just sort of degenerated into an overall sadness, which led to my story....I'm pretty sure that whatever answer I cobbled together wasn't really good enough to make anyone believe that nothing was bothering me. Heck, I'm pretty sure that I didn't even believe it!!

Please, please someone tell me that this sort of mental dialog is NOT evidence of me just cracking apart at the seams. This is normal, right? for whatever normal is?

hugs,

--Tina

yes its normal - for TS and idiots who think boobs is just for sex.   

Sounds pretty normal to me. The only I can get myself out of that cycle its to look at a before and now picture, remind myself im getting there and hope

Oh yes, this mental dialogue happens all the time for me. Most of the time I breakdown and end up telling them anyway, but sometimes I just have a huge discussion that goes on in my head. A lot of the time this happens for me because I really don't know how to articulate it properly or I think it is stupid to talk about and that I'm just being over sensitive and no one really care or understand. It sucks, but yes, it happens.

I got those thoughts, when I was about 12 or 13.

I was on the school bus. It was a small affair, 18 seater I think. We were going somewhere important, I know this because we were all in our No.1s, which basically meant we had to be incredably uncomfortable and looking smart. Anything else wasn't an option.

Anyway, it was a really hot summer day. We got stuck in traffic in this large village. While sitting there, two girls, abiut 14, 15, came walking down the street. Now this was 1968. They looked good. Fashionable but not over done. Really nice.

Needless to say, a bus full of boys, aged between about 11 and 15, you can imagine what most were thinking. But I was thinking, wow, I wish I looked like that.

Now I can identify with how you feel, because I felt quite bad myself. I really expected my weird feelings to disappear as I grew up. I thought that being a girl was just part of being really immature and silly.

That thought upset me a lot. Because things weren't going to change.

But I was in an all boys boarding school, where deviancy of any kind just wasn't tolerated.

Yes it is normal.

I'm attending university at the moment and it drives me up the wall seeing so many pretty women around with such nice figures. I just want to hide in a hole and never come out. It really batters your self-esteem because you're just no longer proud of your own body anymore. It is comparable to women reading beauty magazines, afterward they feel like crap because they will never be so "pretty".

It's the testosterone that made your body into something you didn't want it to be. It's a self-image issue that you have to deal with and cope with. I have to say I still haven't come to acceptance of my body yet. I hate it. Maybe one day I'll love mine and so will you so that we don't need to stare at other women and be jealous and envious of them.

@ Miss Tina:

Well, I'm no expert, by any means, but I'd say your feelings are quite normal ... for transsexuals.  Lord knows, I have these exact same feelings ... every single day.  Because my job has me in front of a computer screen all day long, after work I go to the mall, go to Starbucks and ditty bop about the mall while slowly and gingerly quaffing upon my Venti of straight-black bold ... just to get out and about.  Besides, I LOVE fashion, style, window displays, and the mall is THE place if you love these things. 

Well, what do you see at the mall?  You guessed it:  Women!  Sigh ... oh, man.  I get SOOO depressed ... for the exact reasons you mentioned.  Somebody on this forum rightly says it's my own darned fault that I bum out.  Why?  Because, I'm not looking at the average women which most of them are, truth be told.  I am looking at the: (a) young (b) babes!

When I see them, I realize I'll always be a PPF (piss-poor facsimile) and will never even begin to approach their natural feminine pulchritude.  Jan tells me to compare myself to women MY AGE!  Yeah, she's right.  Easy to say; hard to do.  The bodacious young babes are what I long to be, and I cannot ignore them. 

No, hun.  You are NOT alone in doing this.   

Definitely not alone  in doing that.  I was in a huge shopping complex in Melbourne yesterday revelling in all the shops we don't have in this town, and started to feel the same. 

I happened to see a woman approaching my own age working in one of the clothing stores who's appearance cured me instantly. 
She was , let's say, somewhat large and had stuffed herself into a too-small  leather or vinyl mini-dress, and I looked at my own reflection in the window and realised I didn't look too bad after all. 

Better a bit unattractive but with a bit of style, than what I saw. 

Quote from: justmeinoz on December 04, 2010, 11:04:00 PM
Definitely not alone  in doing that.  I was in a huge shopping complex in Melbourne yesterday revelling in all the shops we don't have in this town, and started to feel the same. 

I happened to see a woman approaching my own age working in one of the clothing stores who's appearance cured me instantly. 
She was , let's say, somewhat large and had stuffed herself into a too-small  leather or vinyl mini-dress, and I looked at my own reflection in the window and realised I didn't look too bad after all. 

Better a bit unattractive but with a bit of style, than what I saw. 

Rock on, girl!

Funny you should say that.  When I compare myself to women MY age (older than hell), actually, I stack up rather well to the genetic females ... even look better than most of 'em.  Still can't help wanting to be a YOUNG BABE!

Like, am I greedy, or does anybody else feel this way?  Thanks for your great comment.   

you are nuttier than a fruitcake, Tina.  Only crazy people have conversations like that.

inner voice:  Do not

me:  do to

iv: do not

me: whatever.


We all do it Tina.  It is perfectly normal.  It is said that if you talk to yourself you are crazy.  But that is not true.  One can even argue with oneself and still be sane.  But if one argues with one self and loses, you're nuts. 

I remember this so strongly.  A few years ago I was at a major store, David Jones, in Adelaide. The shop assistants all seemed to have short black skirts, pretty legs and white blouses. I was so jealous, I could hardly function I was close to tears. I think that was the final straw. Years and years of wanting to start living at least PT as the woman I am kicked in. I could no longer stop and just dress at home. I had to take the next steps. Thank Goddess I did. Now it's a different feeling/conversation. Oh that's a nice combo, like that shoe style. I think I'll try doing my eyes like her. Cute handbag. Wonder how she gets her lips looking so shiney. etc etc etc.

And increasingly: He's cute. Nice bum.   


The world does turn.

Cindy

I have many of these, uh, self-conversations. Mine are usually about useless stuff, though.

"How would I react to someone asking me out ?" - "Who cares ?" - "...But what if ?" - "Maybe I'll... no, wait, I wouldn't have the courage to... Or maybe..." - "Hmm, I shouldn't forget that I'll probably panic" - "Ah yeah, panic. I guess I'll just go with the flow then... Oh wait, who cares, no one is going to ask me out."

"If I were in a Saw-like situation, would I just wait for the ticker to end ?" - "Who cares, I'll never be in one." - "Some psychopat might be inspired by the movie." - "I guess... Well, I probably would wait. Dying from having my head split in two seems pretty painless compared to massacring myself to find a key."

"I wonder if I would cry if I were raped." - "Why would I ? I have trouble to cry even if I want to." - "Well, maybe the pain and dysphoria about it would trigger it." - "Maybe, who knows." - "Or maybe I would become violent and try to hurt the assaulter." - "I doubt it." - "Why am I wondering about this ? I mean, who would want to rape ME ?" - "Good point."

Etc. I talk to other people in my head a lot, too, like, uh...

"Aren't you wasting your perfect body in that prostitute's outfit ?"

"Omg, if you're going to waste all that money, give it to me."

"How can she drink, smoke, take drugs sometimes and say bad words all the time and have a better life than me ?"

"Give me your freaking job, you incompetent imbecile."

"Omg, that young boy is so feminine. If he started HRT right now he'd be so successful."

Happens all the time Miss Tina!! Yes, that mental dialogue can be consuming... Sometimes I have conversations in my head while trying to predict what a person would say back to be... Almost like I am having a conversation with them.  I emphasize with you on the point of not being about to say what you really are thinking, and having to substitute it was a lie... And finally, yes me too!! Though I am attracted to these girls, I get immensely jealous looking at them.  Really frustrating!

Thanks so much, everyone!! It's wonderful to know that I'm not half the fruitcake I feel like, what feels like ALL the time now.....

Hmm.....topical holiday self-deprecation!! Now if only Santa could bring me flawless skin and hair.

Oh well, a girl can hope!!!

hugs,

--Tina

Quote from: forallittook on December 05, 2010, 01:21:34 AM
Happens all the time Miss Tina!! Yes, that mental dialogue can be consuming... Sometimes I have conversations in my head while trying to predict what a person would say back to be... Almost like I am having a conversation with them.  I emphasize with you on the point of not being about to say what you really are thinking, and having to substitute it was a lie... And finally, yes me too!! Though I am attracted to these girls, I get immensely jealous looking at them.  Really frustrating!

Absolutely, girl!  Like, I can SOOO relate to this as you say above and do exactly the same thing.   

@ MissTina:

Girl, you are NOT a fruitcake.  You are "A-okay" just the way you are!   

fruitcake   I LOVE IT. . oh i am bipolar so the only person i talk to is my other self.. like whats wrong with that. . oh its ok don't listen to them.. they do love you even though you think they think your crazy. . but i am crazy and so whats up with that?? Its ok i understand.. relaxx now time will heal all things  .. oh ok thanks i needed that.. 

yea what the first person wrote above .. i totally agree