Oh my goodness I've just realized why SRS is so important to me; beyond the obvious congruence issue.  I really want to be out to my friends (the ones who don't know my past).  But the inevitable question always comes up: So have you transitioned all the way?  It's at that point that I feel so limited as I have to say no.  I want to be able to say I don't have a penis anymore but really I'd be lying if I did.  I also feel like I'm holding back a part of me that I feel is important to share.  But I dare not bring it up until I complete the journey to the other side of the bridge.  I feel as repressed as I did back when I had to live in guy mode.  Everyone I meet assumes I have a vagina and I live in this state of irrational fear of others finding out I don't. 

This leads me to a question: how do I get over the fear?  $20,000 isn't just going to fall into my lap for surgery (and yes I'm trying my best to save up for it) so I need a way to get past this fear.  Can any of you relate to this?

It's nobody's business what's in your pants, dear, and a vagina won't help you pass any better with anyone other than an intimate partner.  I totally understand and relate to the desire for "the final step", but don't let it hold you back from living life to the fullest.  You're young.  It'll come.

I can't be the only one who thinks that people who ask that are extremely rude!  The question itself implies that there's one right way to transition and it involves surgery, which invalidates the identity of non-ops.  As Colleen Ireland said, the right answer to that question is that it's none of their business.  With a good set of undergarments and a bit of confidence, no one will be able to tell whether you've had SRS unless they hear it from your mouth.

It is understandable that you want to share this important aspect of your life with those closest to you.

But may I suggest that you are not ready for this. The evidence is that you haven't said it already.

In your position, I would definately not say anything at all. It really isn't their business or concern. Moreover, there are many aspects of our lives which we all hold back. That isn't being unfriendly nor untrusting. It is just common sense.

I, for example, have never told any of my friends on Susans' that I use to drive a 3 wheeled car. They don't need to know, so why should they?

Do you get my meaning?

A bit of mystery is what makes each of us interesting.

Maddie:

There are two basic parts to transitioning.  One is inward facing and the other is outward facing.

Outward facing transition is really the most difficult in terms of effort.  Integrating yourself into society as a woman takes a lot of effort.  Clothing, makeup, name change, government and financial documents and friends/family/general society acceptance.  Accomplishing that step is nothing to be ashamed of, it is quite a feat.

Inward transition concerns those physiological changes that we go through either as a result of HRT or surgery.  Much of this provides us with our inner peace and calm.  But little of the inner changes are visible to society.  No one knows, unless you tell them, if you are wearing breast forms or are tucking.

And in most polite conversation it really doesn't come up.  And shouldn't.  Is it polite to ask a man if he has a penis?  Or a woman who may have had breast cancer if she has had radical mastectomy and now wears breast forms?  Short answer is no.

Likewise in your day to day interactions with society as a woman, the guy serving you french fries or the girl at the makeup counter, doesn't need to know, or wants to know where you might be in your inward transition.  If they interact with you as you present yourself, that is all that is necessary.

If within a social setting among friends the question comes up, allows you to respond with a statement that discussions about ones intimate bits is out of order.  As it would be were a similar question be posed to a non-trans person.

It really is none of their business.  None, zip, nada!

I recognize your internal feelings of wanting to be truthful, especially after a lifetime of lying, but there are limits to what is discussed in polite company.

And I really commend you for wanting to live your life openly.  I made a commitment to do to that as well.  And it is, to my mind, a wonderful way to live.  But it also says that if they don't ask, you don't tell.  You don't have to wear a sign around your neck that says TRANSSEXUAL!!!  Also, I've found it to be very difficult to just drop that little fact into a conversation.

Now if you are talking about something more than simple interactions and you are bordering on a relationship that might become intimate, you have hit one of the conundrums that bedevils many of us trans people today.  Tell/don't tell... what to do, what to do...

That one, I'm afraid has no cut and dried answer and you have to feel your way through that particular minefield without tapdancing too much.

-Sandy

I empathize.  People do tend to ask a lot of questions.  Often, they get overcome with curiosity and don't realize they're being rude.  They probably don't realize that "Have you transitioned all the way yet?" is a very personal question.  I would respond by getting them to examine what they are saying and rephrase it.

"Have you transitioned all the way?"
"What do you mean by that?  Are you asking if I'm living full-time as a woman?"

This way they'll either turn to a more appropriate topic, or they'll be forced to ask you bluntly whether or not you've had surgery, in which case you can tell them it's none of their business.

That being said...  it WOULD be fun once in a while to mess with peoples' heads... 

A few weeks ago we had a guest speaker at our Gender Journeys group.  This person was working as a consultant doing sensitivity training for companies where a worker was transitioning in the workplace.  She described her own transition-in-place.  She basically worked as male up until she was ready to go full time, then she took a 3-week vacation and came back as female.  And... she had people asking, "So, how did the surgery go?"           According to her, people will ask the DARNDEST things!  Well, wouldn't it be fun to mess with them???      (just a little... )

As bad as it is, people only ask questions if they a) care, or b) are curious.

Maddie, I can so relate.  Yes to me, SRS is the holy grail.  I realize that many will say that I should already be at a point where SRS is just the closing chapter of a long transition.  Well it is, but it is also the last validation for me that this is so right.

I don't date because I still have that thing.  Once it has be converted I will be ready for the dating scene.  But I need that final step.

I am a woman through and through, but like any woman who is missing that certain part that affects her femininity, not have a vagina affects my femininity.

It's not that I mind anyone asking about it.  I'd be naturally curious about it if someone mentioned it in conversation.  The answer I would have to give is what bothers me.  That's why I keep my mouth shut about it.  For instance a guy I work with mentioned how you'd never know his cousin was born female.  It was the perfect time to say something but I didn't because I didn't want the question to come up.  And even if I didn't answer it I didn't want anyone there speculating about that sort of thing.  I guess it's easier to talk about the past life once all evidence of it is eradicated.

I guess it's easier to talk about the past life once all evidence of it is eradicated.

You are a trained engineer, you know that is impossible.

Well I can't get rid of my engineering degree but it's looking like I won't really be able to use it since apparently I'm a liability.

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on December 07, 2010, 01:20:02 AM
Well I can't get rid of my engineering degree but it's looking like I won't really be able to use it since apparently I'm a liability.

Don't understand. Can you explain?

It seems this and my other thread are trending toward a similar topic.  It's all explained in Proof of Concept.

There are a lot of ways you can use a degree besides the 'traditional' ones.