Hello everyone!
My name is Ren, and I'm a transitioning FTM. I'm currently attending therapy session here in the sunshine state and I'll be moving away from my abusive family after twenty three years of living in self denial. There came a point in my life where the walls just came down. I was sick and tired of trying to be everything I wasn't. Instead of returning to my true self, I attempted for years to be a ultra good girl- I even donned a skirt! But my attempts at acting female were so deep in the stereotype that eventually, even my best friends said "You're not yourself and it shows". I have and will always consider myself a man. I spent my childhood years blissfully ignorant that I was any different from the cute boys and the fellows I hung with.
Then, puberty hit. I became increasingly depressed and thought many times of suicide- the idea that I could never fully be a man haunted me. In my tiny middle-of-no-where town, you just couldn't achieve your dreams. At the age of 16, my parents had a brutal divorce and I left with my mother. Coming to FL has been one of the best and worst parts of my life. I gained a brother rather fast- not by blood, but a fellow man like me who I would lay my life down for. We're brothers my spirit and we have stuck through the thick of things together; he's also the man I'll be sharing a apartment with (one that caused us to joke about how we'd be 'those guys', because I'm very much into my men and he's exploring his sexuality).

It took a while but a few months back, after multiple attempts to hide my feelings, I came out to my family. I had hope and a moment of belief that they might accept me...
Then it came crashing down. Once more my family turned on me but this time, they cast horrible remarks and have made it a daily habit to remind me of how disgusted I make them, how I am and will never be human in their eyes if I continue down the path I am on.
To that, I say now with my head held high, ->-bleeped-<- Them. This is my life and I'm behind the wheel at last. I will no longer sit by causally watching them tear down everything I cherish and I will no longer look into my closet realizing every piece of male clothing I've purchased with my cash has been stolen and donated to Good Will.

This is the introduction of my acceptance- the life I spent way too long pretending I couldn't live. I'm a man, heart, mind, and soul. Someday soon, I hope to align my body with the passion I have inside.
The name's Ren, and it's a pleasure to finally be a part of the family I was always meant to find.

Welcome to Susan's, Ren.  There will be some guys along soon to welcome you and let you know that they have stories similar to yours, but I welcome you from the distaff side.  In the end, we just have to be who we are.

You've probably made the biggest, most difficult step to becoming you.  Congratulations!  There will be difficulties ahead, but we get stronger as we go.

Settle in.  I look forward to what you can contribute to the conversation here.

- Kate

Welcome to the site Ren, I'm glad you found it     I'm from Florida as well though hopefully moving soon. I'm so sorry that your family is like that You've found a second family here now. K8 is awesome and there are many other amazing guys and gals on here. See you around the forum man 

K8, Michael,
I thank you for the warm welcomes. I have three more weeks and I'm leaving my abusive family for good- something my therapist is thrilled about. The poor woman even offered to shelter me if I needed it. She's like an old friend/mother who actually loves me for me.

I'm really looking forward to becoming involved in the community as a whole and I hope I can contribute as I take the path ahead of me.
Again, many, many thanks.

Welcome to Susan's RenM. Pff, couldn't you have registered a day later ? You would have been the 4500th member, haha.

No such thing ; I'm happy you're here now !

I'm sure you will feel good here. Also, I'm sorry for your family. Mine is not very supportive, but yours is... Ugh. Yup, "ugh" is the most constructive description I can make of it.

Thank you, A. My therapist says that I've not realized the abuse because I live in it but having actually said what goes on to her, it's sort of opened my eyes to all the ->-bleeped-<- I've put up with. Like, if someone else told me "Oh, my family threatens to wax my whole body because I'm ugly to them since I'm starting to prepare for living my life as my true self." I'd be like, "Dude, get the hell away from them!" but since I was raised with this negativity meant to replace love, I thought it was normal. Having my brother and close friends is what pulled me to the state I'm in- one which is headed for real happiness that I'm mentally prepared for now.

Hi Ren,

Welcome to our little family. Over 4400 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation Rules
  

Hugs and Love,
Janet

Thank you, Janet. I'll be sure to check out those links. I think I might of missed a couple before I join! Hahah.

@ Ren:

Man, welcome to The Family here ..., and we ARE a family.  We accept you with opened arms.  Like K8 said, other transguys will be along to welcome you too.  Michael Alexander is one of them, and one of my favorite bros here on Susan's Place.  Most of these transguys here on Susan's Place are young and smart just like you.  You'll absolutely fit in here.

Also, even though I'm a transwoman and am older than you (... muchly so ...), we have one thing very much in common:  Messed up families.  Bro, get the heck away from 'em like you're doing.  They'll kill your self esteem and mess up your life.  If you can, become financially self-supporting and self-reliant.  I'm sure you're doing that.  Great idea.  You'll be your own man. 

Look, none of my business, but is your therapist in Pinellas Park, Florida perchance?  My therapist is/was.  I lived in Florida for years and years. 

Settle in, man.  You're among family now, and a great family it is.  Sure, we're just a virtual family on the Internet, but you'll be amazed how cohesive and helpful a family it is.  Just be yourself, 'cause you're awesome. 

   Lacey

Thank you for the kind words, Lacey! It's great to meet supporting members from both sides and everywhere in between.
My only downside is that the company I work for/transferring with temporarily is ultra conservative. As in, I came to work with my hair dyed blond on whim and they freaked out. Granted, no one else got told they had to change their hair to a 'natural' shade or be fired but then again, obviously, I'm not a preppy girly girl like they want. I've had multiple bouts of this kind of singling out and other employees have gotten more pissed about it than I have but because it's from management staff, I feel I can't take any real kind of action- I need a job to pay for therapy, to transition fully. My hope is that once I'm settled in Fort Myers, I'll be able to work at a local Starbucks as I hear they are very supportive.

My therapist is actually located in Miami and is encouraging me to attend her group gatherings come January. She hopes it will be a way for me to openly mingle with like-minded individuals and make friends since it's just a big gathering of fellow brothers/sisters. If I'm lucky, I'll have enough money to buy some new clothes and attend. The only downside to Fort Myers? The rent ain't cheap, even with 3 men living under one roof. However, provided I score 25 hours a week at my current job, I'll be covered.

As for my family? I feel ashamed to even call them such and I would never in my life wish anything like them on anyone. They can't show proper love and I was often the outcast growing up because I would suck up to my grandmother (she actually abandoned me at the mall once when I was 13. She left me there by myself, with no way of reaching her, while she drove her little minion out to dinner. Two hours later, she magically 'remembered' I wasn't in the car when they were half way home after having ate red lobster). Course this is the same woman who I no longer speak to and who kicked me out of out town church when I was 12 because I wouldn't obey her rules and teach her class. Luckily, with the divorce of my parents, she's out of my life. I inherited my mothers crazy mother, my granny, though, who is just as bad if not worse. She readily barges into my room and tells me how ugly/disgusting/stupid I am. Aaaah, such love. My therapist told me she's amazed I know how to be sincere and have turned out so well. I confessed to her it's because I had very close friends and I expressed myself in writing/art/music. It keeps me sane!

Ah, but I'm rambling!
Anyway, thank you again for the greeting. It's wonderful to be met with such warm words.

Hi Ren

Wecome to the forum dude, after so many years of misery, a new life can start.
you're not lonely anymore, now you've got friends from all over the world.

hug
annette

Thank you very much, Annette. It's a real pleasure to have found so many like-minded people. I can only hope to continue making friends so easily.

Thank you, Jennifer.
I still have a very long way to go! Due to the negativity of my family, I've allowed my body to slip. I'm not in terrible shape per say, but I know my cushioning came from my mood of 'I don't care anymore, I'm too ugly to be loved' that my family pushed upon me. Luckily for me, my brothers have pulled me from my slump and I'll begin working out again once I'm free from this cage. My goal might be a strange one but it's always been in the back of my mind- I want to be to a point in my life, a happy man, where I can be myself and get back to me. I gave up so many loves because of the nature of my family that I never realized I was strangling my own talents. I also know leaving them will be hard because their abuse is what I equated to love. Thankfully, my therapist is extremely kind and more than willing to hear from me at any point in time. She wants me to keep in regular contact with her after I leave this mess because she knows I will go through a 'withdraw phase' that is likely to leave me feeling like a zombie. While I don't look forward to this feeling, I'm ready to make the leap of faith and begin living as the man I was always meant to be.

Hi Ren

I'm too ugly to be loved' that my family pushed upon me, you wrote.
does n't your family know that the real beauty of a person is inside ?
You look like a strong man to me, with a lot of courage and I'll think you're gonna make it and you will be the man you are.
You have a lot of strenght and perseverance, and you'll get all the support from your (new ) friends here.

love
annette