Stop you from caring for yourself? I think I have some bad dysphoria but I don't cut. Sometimes I just get so mad and want to break things (I do actually, and it makes me feel like a monster). I get suicide thoughts sometimes. I skip brushing my teeth sometimes. Getting out of bed is so hard in the morning. Sometimes I want to never wake up. I wish I woke up one day as a boy. But I've only cross dressed once or twice (wear guys clothes) because I don't want to get caught. I have visions of meeting the girls of my dreams. I keep fantasizing about our wedding and having kids one day and being a father (though the father and kid part isn't possible at the moment). Currently I don't go to school since I graduated several months ago from high school. I am trying to figure out what to do with my life because everyone's telling me different things and I'm trying to figure out what makes *me* happy and what *I* want to do, though funny how I'm not happy at all right now. I know I should see a doctor about this or some sort of therapist but I don't want to bring myself to that point. I HATE feeling angry though. I want to feel happy again which is something I haven't felt in a while partly due to family crap and now this. My main question: can dysphoria cause you to stop caring for yourself? Second question: is there some sort of advice online I can get rather than going to a therapist or doctor?

Yes, I would think that dysphoria may cause feelings like that. I mean, I can't diagnose or judge anything too much, but it makes sense. If you aren't happy with your body or the way you were born, that would cause restlessness and discomfort. That eventually causes frustration, that develops into anger. I've experienced mild stuff like excessive anger, but never suicidal thoughts. When you get tired of getting angry, I suppose your mind would turn to suicide or depression. To me, it sounds like you're experiencing depression because you're having to supress who you are to everyone. You have great dreams and goals in life, but you feel like you'll never be able to achieve them because you don't have what you need to be who you are.

Unfortunately, I don't know if you can get legit legal or medical advice from the internet ever (if that's what you're asking). All of us here don't mind giving you advice on what we know, but even though it could be helpful, I don't think its a equal substitution for a therapist or doctor. A therapist is trained to keep you focused on your positive aspects, and see whats possible in your life, and it might make you feel better to hear that you're okay froma certified someone.

May I ask why exactly you're uncomfortable with seeing a therapist? Because the way you worded it makes it sound like you think it's "giving in" in a sense. If that's the case, then I really have to encourage you to see someone, because I used to think the same way. Having outside help isn't at all a bad thing or giving in. Until I saw someone, I thought anyone who went into therapy was weak and couldn't handle things on their own. But really, I learned that therapy isn't about weakness, it's about getting some extra tools to help you better take care of yourself.

I'm sorry if I misinterpreted you and it ends up I'm preaching to the choir, but I want you to be happy, because I have been (and still am sometimes) struggling with the same problems you are with not taking care of myself, and I just wanted to tell you what helped me.

I basically just want to ditto what Espenoah said.  I was in almost exactly the same place a few years ago, and I only agreed to seeing someone after almost doing something really stupid.  I really wish I had gone sooner.
I think that there are some therapists who take online clients too, if you'd be interested in that.
We all want you to be happy too.

It sounds like you have a lot of overwhelming feelings going on, and I know where you are coming from. Before I started the transition process I had many of the same feelings, a lot of the time I lacked motivation to do anything with my life and would sleep for half the day and not go to work.

I think that the best thing you can do is go to a therapist. Finding a therapist and going to the appointment can be really scary, but it was the thing that has helped me most. I put it off for years, but like Lee said, I wish I had gone sooner. A therapist can help you analyze the anxieties you are having and figure out what path is best for you to take. T-Vox has a list of trans-friendly therapists by state. If you're worried about cost many work on a sliding scale, my therapist gave me a very low rate after I explained my financial situation. And if you go to one appointment with a therapist and don't like them, no one is making you go back.

Good luck with everything, and like other people have said, there is a big online community of transpeople who have gone through the same things and are rooting for you.

Quote from: Lee on December 09, 2010, 03:14:15 AM
I think that there are some therapists who take online clients too, if you'd be interested in that.
We all want you to be happy too.

I am glad you all want to be happy and there for me. And, I am VERY interested in the online therapists. Care to share where I can contact one?

Quote from: Espenoah on December 08, 2010, 10:08:20 PM
May I ask why exactly you're uncomfortable with seeing a therapist? Because the way you worded it makes it sound like you think it's "giving in" in a sense. If that's the case, then I really have to encourage you to see someone, because I used to think the same way. Having outside help isn't at all a bad thing or giving in. Until I saw someone, I thought anyone who went into therapy was weak and couldn't handle things on their own. But really, I learned that therapy isn't about weakness, it's about getting some extra tools to help you better take care of yourself.

I'm sorry if I misinterpreted you and it ends up I'm preaching to the choir, but I want you to be happy, because I have been (and still am sometimes) struggling with the same problems you are with not taking care of myself, and I just wanted to tell you what helped me.

Maybe I am giving in and I am not aware of it, but that is definitely not how I wanted to make this sound. I've been feeling like this for quite a while now. It's all a big blur and I can't remember when it started. It is geting bad. I am starting to notice things like today. My first day in this new program that gives you job experience and job skills. I had to do some paper work and where it said Name: __________________ and gender: () Male () Female, I really wanted to put my prefered male name in and check off male. But I didn't want to cause confusion/drama because I don't pass at all as a male. Perhaps I will look into therapy.

Unfortunately, I don't have any experience with these people, but I know that some guys on here do.  This site lists a number of people who work online, but hopefully someone will be able to share one they have spoken with and liked.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

Lee, argh!!! My dad messed around with the parental controls on the computer and it stops me from reaching unknown websites. That being said I have no idea why it lets me onto Susan's but not that link. And I don't have a laptop so unfortunately I cannot access it at the moment! But I do promise I will find a way to get to it...   

That sucks 
Here's the info from the site, though I don't know if their websites will work for you.  If not, let me know, and we'll figure out something.

John D Moore LCPC, CADC
Secure Online Web Consultations
E-mail: john@johndmoore.net
Website: http://www.johndmoore.net/
Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor. Works with TG individuals to help them sort through the myriad of emotions and stress. Must be a resident of Illinois.

Gender Therapist Online
"We are a Gender Psychotherapy resource dedicated to the needs of individuals with gender identity disorders and other related issues..... Providing therapy to the Trans-gender Community for gender related issues and assessment of readiness for hormones and SRS, leading to a report and letters of recommendation.
We currently have many clients worldwide who find our service invaluable, as they live in isolated areas, have not the resource close to where they reside. Prefer the flexibility and availability of the service, the non-face to face contact. being able to use our services from the comfort of their home, or are simply reserved and shy. All of our therapists are fully qualified, U.K. registered and possess many years of experience and fulfill the requirements of the Dr. Harry Benjamin Standards of care. This is an online and Worldwide Service"

Dr Carl Bushong
Transsexual, Transgendered Care. Consultation by long distance telephone. Dr. Bushong calls you. He also sets up Testing for hormone therapy. Price $125.00 per 50 minute hour. Service is provided Worldwide.

Caroline Gibbs, LPC, NCC
Transgender Institute
7140 Wornall Road, Suite 203
Kansas City, MO. 64114
Phone : (816) 305-0943
Fax : (816) 216-7177
Email : gibbsassist@yahoo.com
"Gender therapy in office and online using the SKYPE camera. (For those choosing online therapy with Caroline she will provide you with a SKYPE camera free of charge.)"

B.E. Budd, Ph.D.
699 B Piedmont Ave, NE
Atlanta, Ga. 30324
Phone : (404) 873-5517
Email : bebudd@bebuddphd.com
Website : http://www.bebuddphd.com/
Online Therapy via Skype Web Cam and in office therapy.

Dr. Lori A. Jespersen, Psy.D
Phone : (707) 328-1268 between 9:00am PST and 4:00pm PST
(Every effort will be made to return inquiries from the Midwest / East coast promptly, though an initial e-mail may provide the quickest response time. Thank You!)
Email : drljespersen@gmail.com
A few pages from Lori's Website : Transgender Page the practice of Teletherapy Explained Lori's California Clinician License California Consumer Notice and the Price List
"I am a licensed clinical Psychologist in California, offering online, web-based positive/affirming psychotherapy to the transgender community. My work includes both private practice and work amongst incarcerated transgender individuals. Sliding Scale Fee Available."

Melissa Leonhardt, MA NCC LPC
Licensed Therapist
North Carolina
" I am a licensed professional counselor that is a lesbian. I have been in a monogamous relationship for 18 years and we have an 8 year old son via artificial insemination. I have 17 years experience in counseling children and families. In the past 6 years I have opened my own online private practice that serves the GLBT community exclusively. I do relationship counseling, counseling for depression, anxiety, etc. I also counsel transgendered individuals who are seeking HRT or SRS. My fees are affordable and services are confidential. Counseling is provided to the GLBT community by a member of the GLBT community. This is where to go if you are having problems with depression, anger, anxiety, relationship issues, etc. I also provide recommendation letters for hormone treatment and SRS in accordance with the WPATH. Counseling is provided online via secure live chat. Affordable prices and NC Medicaid is accepted. For more information Email : brandnewdaycounseling@gmail.com or visit my website : http://www.brandnewdaycounseling.com "

Wow man thanks this helps a ton!!

No problem at all.  Good luck!

Dysphoria can indeed make you stop caring about yourself. Mine was so bad at one stage I didn't care about my life, my hygiene, anything. I would constantly try to self mutilate, also pick at sores or make sores on my breasts. I made them bleed really bad which freaked out my parents big time. You could see the blood through my shirt. It just got really bad for me. I'm glad I got over that stage but I still have the dysphoria but its calmed down a lot now I know I can do something about my gender issues and transition.

Quote from: KamAus on December 10, 2010, 12:56:49 AM
Dysphoria can indeed make you stop caring about yourself. Mine was so bad at one stage I didn't care about my life, my hygiene, anything. I would constantly try to self mutilate, also pick at sores or make sores on my breasts. I made them bleed really bad which freaked out my parents big time. You could see the blood through my shirt. It just got really bad for me. I'm glad I got over that stage but I still have the dysphoria but its calmed down a lot now I know I can do something about my gender issues and transition.

Oh man, who knew other FTM's did that too, there was a time during a deep depression a few years back where I did that, I had a few small zits on my breasts and turned them into big, bloody holes.  I just thought of it as an absent-minded compulsion back then, but I guess it had a deeper meaning.

Back to the OP's question though, some my worst depression phases where I couldn't get out of bed were rooted in my gender issues, or rather my body's issues with my gender, as I see it sometimes, haha.  It wasn't until I started dropping weight with the eventual plan to transition that my moods started picking back up consistently. 

I think even if transition's a way off for you, finding a therapist or even a close, supportive friend to talk things through with could be beneficial for your mental health.  Keeping things all bottled up usually just causes more anxiety and depression.

KamAus, jeez that sucks man. I am glad your dysphoria is getting better. I don't know if this had a deeper meaning for me, but, a long time ago (before my transgender feelings came up and I started wishing to be male), I had a dream that my breasts were bleeding.  It grossed me out so much. I woke up, and my heart was pounding and my mind was racing from the dream. Maybe it did have a meaning and it was in my subconcious or whatever.