I was out last night and got into a conversation with two girls (GGs).  I figured they knew I was trans.  During the conversation I said something that indicated I was born male.  They both looked at me shocked.  "You were a guy?"  That stopped me dead in my tracks.  All these emotions started welling up inside me.  Can it really be?  Am I really going to be able to live as a woman without being called a freak?  I composed myself and told them the truth.  At first they were a little put off.  I told them how I had to do this and that this was not a charade.  After a while they seemed to understand.

Inside I was a mess.  For over 50  years I've wished for this day to happen and for over 50 years I've convinced myself it never will.  Last night I went from having fun, and just enjoying being out with people who accepted me for who I am, to an emotional wreck.  I couldn't function.  I Knew I had to leave.  I said my good-byes and left.  I cried all the way home.  I'm still crying.  I'm still a mess. 

When I finally found the courage to transition it was because I knew I could live life being seen as a transsexual woman.  Living in stealth was impossible.  I couldn't even think of life as a normal woman because I couldn't handle the disappointment when it didn't happen.

Men are blind.  Women pay attention.  To be standing there and talking to two women and they having no idea I was TS...  it's so hard to believe, but it happened.  On one hand I'm telling myself this is a great thing and I should enjoy it but on the other I'm scared to death.  Will I become a woman who crumbles when I get clocked?  I don't want that.  As a transwoman I'm strong.  I expect to get clocked.  But to live in stealth?  I'd love it but it's so hard to believe I can do it.

That moment has had a major impact on my life.  It told me it's possible to live a normal life as a woman.  The idea of that happening never occurred to me.  I wouldn't allow it because I'd be setting up myself for certain failure.  Now that it's happened my life has been turned upside down.  I haven't had FFS.  I haven't had GRS.  I haven't even had a trach shave.  I've had maybe 20 hours of electrolysis and a little over a year of HRT.  That's it.  I'm a walking billbard that screams TRANS!  But those two girls only saw a woman.  For that one beautiful moment I was one of them.  I was a woman.  It seems like a dream but it really happened.

Right now I need a friend, someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay.  The tears won't stop.  There's still a lot of pain inside that needs to get out.  But I can't let it out.   I'm afraid I'd never stop crying.

Sorry for dumping.  I had no one else to talk to. 

Julie

Hello Julie,

                   I understand how this would be so emotional for you. It is really a wonderful thing and it is something you deserve and should have. Do not take this as a negative. Some people will never clock you but some will.  You have no obligation to define yourself to acquaintences, just be yourself and enjoy yourself. You are very beautiful in your pictures and it is easy to see you passing with ease. Have a good cry and come back to us, we need and love you.



beth

Julie, now you may understand why so many of us choose our lives in stealth.  Why should we disclose anything?  It's no one elses business really.  I told you would get there ... you just remember that... I told you

Cindi

Julie,
   I think we all have that turning point in our lives. I think that you just had yours. You are a Woman and you don't have to tell the rest of the world about your past, only those that need to know. So be who you are.
Love Sheila

Julie!

I'm going to be a little selfish here.

When we first started exchanging emails and all the posts I've read from you, I've always felt you were some sort of uber-girl.  Someone who was so confident in their beliefs.  You were a rock.

And when we first met and went out to dinner at that restaurant, you so boldly just walked right in.  I admit I was a bit daunted being in your presence.  I felt I never could attain the level of confidence you had in being out in the world.  I started to question my motivations as a result.  I felt that if I didn't have the same strength of conviction that maybe I really wasn't a transsexual (that depressed me).

Then when we went out to dinner this last time, you said the same things about being out that night as I was thinking.  "Gee that place is *really* crowded!  I'm not sure I have the courage to go in there."

As you recall we actually had a wonderful time, right out in the middle of the restaurant no less!

But what it told me is that you are human.  You have fears too.  Much like mine.  And in a way I felt less worried about myself, because I felt less alone.  Knowing someone else had the same fears gave me hope.

What I'm getting at here, hon, is that I never saw you as anything except female.  Until you showed me pictures of you in guy-mode, I could never see the male in you.  You give off feminine "vibes".  More than just mannerisms, something intangible.

And knowing you have that gives me hope that I can have that too.  That is the selfish part.

The other thing I'm getting at is I'm trying to hold the same mirror up to you that you've tried to hold up to me.  BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!  You are a woman!  You always have been!  AND THAT IS THE WAY THE WORLD SEES YOU ALREADY!

Sorry to "shout" but it's hard to bitch-slap someone over the Internet.

Just a light reminder, sis.   

-Sandy

Thank you ladies for your concern and wise words. 

I mulled over this thing incessantly, trying to figure out why I was so emotional about this.  There were so many possibilities but what I realized was it was almost Christmas and for the second year in a row I wouldn't be spending it with my kids or any of my family.  They can't handle seeing me as I am now (except for two sisters).  And when those two girls saw me as female I knew right then and there that I would never turn back.  And that meant I may never spend another Christmas or birthday or any day with my kids.  Every time I thought of that and all the Christmas times we spent together, I felt this searing pain in my heart because I may never enjoy another of those times with my kids again.  If that is what the future holds in store for me, I guess I'll have to learn to live with it.

But someone "up there" must have been watching out for me.  On Christmas Eve my grandmother called.  She's in an assisted living home and really not able to leave anymore.  She invited me over for Christmas.  She too was looking at spending the day alone.  I told her, "you know I'm living full time Julie now" to which she replied, "Jimmy, Julie, it doesn't make any difference.  You're still the same person inside."  I melted.  I got there around noon, dressed in a nice Christmas outfit, and she looked at me and said I looked very pretty.  That was so nice.  It was the first time she had met Julie in person but you'd never know it from her reaction.  And she called me Julie the whole time I was there.  What a sweet lady.

She was feeling tired after the meal and needed to lie down so we had to cut our time together short.  Still, just being able to spend that time with family, as me, meant so much. 

When I got home around 2:30, a friend called.  She was recuperating from having her kids all weekend.  We talked for a while and then said she called to see if I wanted to come over for dinner.  Of course!  What time?  5:30-6.  Well I was already dressed and ready to go so I picked up a book and read, keeping an eye on my watch.  I think I got there at 5:35.  Hope I didn't seem anxious!

Another friend was also invited and the three of us sat and talked over wine and Christmas music.  She served lasagna for dinner as we continued to enjoy our evening together.  I had a wonderful time.  As I was headed home I realized how lucky I am.  I may not have been able to be with my kids but there are people in my life now who really care about me and accept me for who I am.  For that I'm very appreciative.

Julie

  

Wow, Juilie!

After reading your posts I thought you were invincible.  Nice to know you are human.  I like humans!

Peace,
Kristi

Quote from: Julie Marie"Jimmy, Julie, it doesn't make any difference.  You're still the same person inside."

What a wise lady your grandma is, Julie!

I'm very happy to know you spent Christmas with her...

tinkerbell