I joined the site today. After a long time of lurking unregistered, I felt that Susans was my only hope right now of meeting people like me and getting support.

I'm a FtM transsexual. I'm dealing with feelings of up and killing myself, because I cant stand living inside this body. I'm a guy, not a woman, and I'm sick of being trapped. I've always been boyish since I can remember, even as a kid I played with boy's toys by choice, despite the disapproval of my mom. Chose boy's clothes when I was old enough to buy my own stuff. Now I'm older, I've dealt with depression and anxiety all my life, an eating disorder the past few years, and adding to that the constant pressure of wondering, "do I pass today"...well I'm not doing well.

My mom refuses to let me take antidepressants prescribed to me by my regular doctor, and won't let me see a psych. for my depression. I recently came out to her as transsexual, and she blames herself for being a bad parent and making me that way. I cant get it through her thick skull that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING TS OR TG AND ITS NOTHING SHE DID. Sure the two of us have a history of an abusive mother-son relationship, but I've forgiven her for that years ago. I can't live with hurting her like that, and I can't live being bio female.

I guess I pass, I get sir'ed alot, even at work where we wear nothing but a tshirt. I bind, and take DHEA supplements until I can start hormones without my mom having a say. I just feel utterly WRONG. I'm not a woman. I think about death everyday, lament on it. I've attempted suicide a few times and have mutilated my genitals, feminine parts of my body in the past and continue to do so. I don't know what to do. Turned here for support. On other sites, I don't get much understanding but I can see why, as TG isn't something most people know about or if they do, reject it as just messed up and stupid.

I'm hoping to meet some people who maybe, I can get to know? Who are going through the same?

Thanks all
Matt

Hello Matt,
It is good to meet you and I'm glad you have stop lurking.
Welcome to Susan's.
There are other ftm's here.
I'm a bi-gender. And for most of us it is not an easy life. Please hang in there.

If you haven't already please read the site rules at:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html if you haven't already.
Then check out the Wiki, with ton of info on the gender topics. Oh and check out our chat and links section too. Have a great read.
Welcome to Susan's.

Jillieann and JR

Welcome Matt. I'm Brady. Glad that you signed up with Susan's!

I'm an FTM as well. You said that you were a lurker, so you probably read that I am gay. BUT I know what you are going through though!

As for your mom, give her plenty of information and time.  As someone on here once told me, let her ask all the questions she needs to.  She will accept it better if she understands it better.  Let her know that it's not her "fault" and treat the subject lightly for a little while. I know how hard it is dealing with parents who are unaware of transexualism. I am wanting to cut my hair into a fauxhawk but my dad (who thinks all women should be the most feminine they can be) would ridicule me for it.  But, all I can say is be brave.  Plus, now that you are on Susan's, you have a family that you can always depend on. I've come to know that over the past few months. Try as hard as you can to work it out with your mom. Maybe even see a family counselor. If you can't work it out, then deal with it in the best way that you think is possible. Hopefully she will come around.

As for anti-depressant pills, are you over 18? If you are, really, there is nothing she could do about it.  If not, then talk to her about a psychiatrist that you could see, that she approves of. Then, if the psychiatrist prescribed the drugs, your mom would know that you really do need them.

I think all transexuals at one point in their lives have had a feeling like "There is no way out, I am trapped in this body and that's it."  Wrong.  There is a way out. Until you can start HRT and surgery, there are alternatives. My family has no idea I am transgendered. But, I just ordered a binder and I have several articles of men's clothing. I even bought a man's watch yesterday. What I am getting at is, even though it's not changing my body physically, doing little things like purchasing binders or men's clothing helps me cope. I know that I am doing all that I can at the moment and that things will get better.  Even though it seems like a long time away, be patient.  It will work out for you.  Whatever you do, don't hurt yourself in any way. That will only cause more physical and emotional stress on yourself.

Well Matt, I'm glad you have come to Susan's.  Not only can you get great advice here, but you have so many people who care about you.  If you ever need to talk PM (personal message) me anytime. I will try to help in every way possible. Glad to know ya, Matt. Take care.

-Brady-

 Hey Matt!

Hello there.  Yeah, stopping by here will be a good thing.  We have a bunch of FTMs here, One hade his top done last year.  I'm MtF so not all that familiar with all the pros and cons of the other side, but we all have a few basic problems that are commonly shared and experienced and we talk about these thngs, just start making your own points when you see something that entrests you, on both Male and Female {???) forums, just pay attention to how the subject has been going first though.

Things are gonna feel like it's all moving slug slow in the beginning, but you know the saying "If you want wet feet, find a river to cross".  In a little time you feel natural at it among other people and that worry is behind you forever.  Do it all only whn you are no backing off sure though it's what you want. It's a life to live and you gotta live it right to be happy at the end of it all.

Stick with what you know to be the truth

Terri

Hello Matt and welcome to Susan's!

Thank you for your introduction.  There are several FTM's in different stages of transition here at Susan's, so please don't hesitate to ask questions.  I'd suggest that you take a sec to explore all the forums of the site, review the site rules and visit the wiki and reference library which contain plenty of valuable information on trans-related issues.  We welcome you as a new addition to our family and look forward to your future posts.  Enjoy your stay!

tinkerbell

Hi matt!  Stay on for a bit you'll be suprised at the interaction, amazing topics, and info!
Ricki

Hi, Matt!

I'm pleased to make your acquaintance!

WELCOME ! ! 
helen

Thanks.

As far as passing goes, I've gone as far as is possible (short of actually starting hormones and getting top surgery). Yet, my mind still screams that its not enough. Any of you guys ever felt that way? How did you hold out? I'm having a tough time and I dont know. I hate fighting the urges to just jump infront of a semi already. How did you guys deal with the dark side of things? (by guys i mean all of you, lol)

Matt -

Yes, I have felt that way.  Usually, if I'm alone and in a bad mood I think like that. What I do is either hang out with friends, the ones you know accept you, or, go on Susan's    It really helps you cope with transexuality and you know that you are not alone.

Well, the way I see it. I can't kill myself, and neither can you.  Why? Because then you won't ever get to experience life post-HRT and surgery.  The way I see it, it's good motivation. If something is going wrong, you can just look forward to HRT lol and that usually makes it a lot better.  I know you feel very trapped inside and you don't want to wait any longer for HRT or surgery, but trust me, it will come one day.  You can make it happen. I mean, you said you have several suicide attempts.  Is it worth giving up your life instead of waiting a few years? Then eventually getting to live out the rest of your life as a man? Call me crazy, but I don't think it's worth it.  Just give it some time. And remember, don't throw yourself in front of a semi before it happens    because then you would never know what it's like to go through complete transition.

If you ever feel down, you can always come to Susan's. It really does help a lot, always.

-Brady-

I do not have a secret matt..  I wish i did i would share it! with everyone!!!
many days get me down but i try and stay busy-work a full schedule-keep a busy social-activity calender, and so on...
I have some (a very minute few) close-nit friends for support, susan's, and well myself-my experiences-my goals-what i want&do not want....
Gotta get up and put the pants on one leg at a time or the skirt whichever fits...(ya i pudge out in the winter too much eating not enough activity-unless you consider lifting a glass of beverage to your mouth activity>?hehe...
Keep trying is all people can do and work towards a goal or create one then work towards it..
What do you do to satisfy your time?  Do you have a support group or friends or family?  I thought a part of what you posted below was interesting...

Quotehe blames herself for being a bad parent

you posted this about your mom and interestingly i had a very immature and agressive attitude and "blamed my parents for this gedner dysphoria" for a long time..
I came to terms with that a few good years back, but it just goes to show you?
You seem to have logical thinking (This is a blonde -me- trying to tell you it sounds like you are smart) the way you typed your post and so on...
The mutilation things does not work i think some members here have some profound stories of how bad that is, does not solve the issue...
I feel terrible i wish i could help you and me and everyone esle...
Stay active in the sight-post and reply and see what things you can get out of the good people here....that helps!
are you not old enough to get prescriptions on your own?
Ricki

Hi Matt. Welcome to Susan's

I'm Ethan, a gay pre-everything FTM, and I can understand you as much as any one person can understand another. Yeah, it really sucks sometimes...and it never feels like it enough, but you gotta hang in there. It really is worth it.

Sometimes I get depressed, because I probably won't be on hormones for another 5 or 6 months, and I've been trying since June to get it(had problems with my therapists ) then there's family problems and all the other, normal stresses of life...sometimes I think, "What's the point if I know I won't be happy for so long!?" and I don't think that I can survive until the next good day comes along. Turns out, the good days happens soon than I expect and I sometimes feel a bit silly about my emo-ness...

It gets better, dude. It better! 

Hi Matt

Welcome to Susans.

Those of us that are TS fully understand how you feel right now. Wrong body, wrong life, stuck in a prison that at times you feel like there is no escape from. A wall built around your life stopping those everyday things that seem so right and you long to do.

Self mutilation, suicide.. yeah many of us have been there and lived to tell the tale and we are the fortunate ones. The wall comes down, brick by brick and then you step through.

That you can pass without hormones is great, hold onto that, build on it and become the Man you are inside.

Buffy

Quote from: Buffy on December 29, 2006, 03:00:55 AM
That you can pass without hormones is great, hold onto that, build on it and become the Man you are inside.

Yeah...thats one thing I've always been thankful for. If I looked more feminine I dont know what I'd do

hehEHEHEEH, yeah, well, I'll tell ya first rate how to build masculinity.  First person in a room looks at you a little crosseyed, simply very flamboyantly, Flip Him Off.  A few times of doing that, you'll be as masculine as they come.  Hell, girly features are regarded for a lot of us.

Terri

hehe..
that was good Terri-G!
Spit, hack, make mean eye contact, grab yourself between the perverbial legs (the fake adjustment routine, sort of like revving your engine before a race..Gawd that was bad... )
hehe... Nothing further i think from me would be best at this time, hehe.....

Ricki

What your mother is doing to you is completely and utterly sickening and reprehensible.
It reminds me of my mother, who claims she's the most open minded, smartest person in the universe and when I came out to her as male, she threw me out of her house like the enormous cow she is.

Your mother can't stop you from taking a prescribed drug. She may say 'No' and deny it and whatever else but in the end, you can do what the law says you can do, and taking drugs prescribed to you is a RIGHT, not a privilege that someone else can deny you, regardless of whether you fell out of them or not.
There are ways you can see a psychologist without your mother being able to intervene. Look into it around your community: You have the Internet, one of the most viable tools for procuring results on anything you want worldwide. Even if you are a minor, there are youth counseling services that you can go to discreetly.

In basic, there are things you can do. Your mother cannot stop you.

I had to leave my parents at a young age due to a lot of reasons, and you may have to, too. But that's something only you can decide.
Being a Transsexual is one of the hardest roads in life anyone can have.
And I say have, not take.
Transsexuality is something you're born with, not a disease or imbalance.

Quote from: Ricki on December 30, 2006, 08:06:32 PM
hehe..
that was good Terri-G!
Spit, hack, make mean eye contact, grab yourself between the perverbial legs (the fake adjustment routine, sort of like revving your engine before a race..Gawd that was bad... )
hehe... Nothing further i think from me would be best at this time, hehe.....

Ricki

I'll try this. I never realized what I'm doing, the mean eye contact especially and spitting...fake adjustments...haha...I do it already. Guess I'm alright with the male mannerisms already lol.


Draeden...I wish I could leave her. She absolutely refuses to get me any kind of help. Even as I was standing infront of her, pills in hand, suicide note she was already reading...and all she could say was, "I'll get you help". Of course, she didn't. That was a few days ago. I guess nothing short of dying will call to her attention that she needs to be the adult, and I don't particularily want to die...I'd just like to feel like life's worth living enough to not be depressed all the time etc. I'm gonna take the steps to do it without her permission, unless she really does want me dead...and in that case...too bad.