It's been over forty years I have suffered from a lack of confidence as well as social angzity disorder .It's the holiday season and the malls are packed. Of course I don't have to tell you that. In the past you would not find me anywhere near a mall, let alone going to one this time of year. Well that has all changed for me, since my first day En Femme a couple months ago. I have been to more malls shopping these last couple months then I have been in my entire life, and I mean this literally.
In the past, if I did venture into a shopping mall with my wife. This is how it would go. I would first talk to my wife about the itinerary, I felt very stressed if I did know where we were going. That was difficult for my wife, as she would prefer to just stroll around until she found something that attracted her eye then go into that store. So after figuring out our itinerary we would enter the mall. I would walk beside my wife, slightly hunched over, head slightly cock toward my wife. As if we were have an important conversation, so as to avoid any eye contact by the passers by. All the while paying very close attention to the people in front of us. Always being the one to move out of the way. Always being the one to apologize for getting in someones way. So my wife would be walking down the mall and certainly not in a straight path not really paying to much attention to the on coming people. The whole while I am trying my best to keep up , moving out of peoples way apologizing as I go and avoiding eye contact. I am writing this and I am thinking "god what a nutcase I was". I just have to laugh at myself.
So my first day out En femme took place a couple months ago. I thought that my first day would be a tragic mess. But even so I thought I just had to do it. I assumed that not only I would have to deal with my social anxiety disorder that the lack of confidence I had would be too much to bare. But the desire to go out En femme was just too great. The first day out was just amazing. I can't explain just how amazing it was. There was no sign of any social anxiety disorder. And I was very confident all day long. I was so surprised at myself , it was too good to be true. I thought all this must be due to the huge amount of adrenaline that was pumping though my system. A couple days later I had a chance to go out again, same thing happen. It was a wonderful outing, but this time I had even more confidence. Again and again this kept on happening each time adding a little more to my confidence. I thought that just on some sort of emotional high and that I should expect things to get back to the way they were in a week or two. Well it's been a couple of months, I have been full time for over a month and there is no sign of any social anxiety disorder and I now have uberconfidence.
My wife , daughter and I went shopping at the mall again today. I say again because we went to a different mall yesterday. The mall was crowded but I took the lead all day long. I don't want this to come off as conceited or arrogant, but I feel I have taken the "backseat" for so long and have moved out of the way for so many people. That if they move for me after forty years of moving for them . Well I think this may be OK , under the circumstances. By 4:00 the mall was packed. On top of that we all had sore feet and we were tired. We decided it was time to leave. All at once we looked around at the crowds trying to figure out which way would be the easiest and shortest route back to our car. I decided there would be no pussy- footing around. I took the lead again. A little faster than normal but still a very feminine pace. I had a very feminine stride, head up, shoulder back, plenty of eye contact with the occasional smile. Purse over my left shoulder, right arm swinging. Patty and my daughter were in tow. I swear the crows opened up like Moses parted the red sea. It was amazing !!!
I know this may sound arrogant but you should have seen me just a few months ago. Weak, timid, no confidence, a real nutcase.
I wish I had only known being the person I wanted to be would have been so rewarding. I wouldn't have wasted so many years. But hey the party ain't over till you run out of beer
Hugs, Roxy
